So the United States Embassy in Jerusalem decided that they want to be the Capitol of Buzzkills, because nobody can get appointments for nothing. We don’t want to say we called it, but back in 2021 we kinda called it. You see, the Embassy has been in a bit of a funk ever since they had to move from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. Then Covid arrived and the virus became the perfect reason for government employees not to do things like “their jobs”.
But now it’s 2023, and The People are restless. How do we know this? Because we’re Anglo Olim; and if there are two things that Anglo Olim love, it’s complaining and WhatsApp groups. Right now we are on a bunch of these groups, where Olim are complaining and sending around petitions demanding that the Embassy give us some appointments.
Will the petition do any good? Here at The Daily Freier we like to speak in riddles. So behold: a list of Ten Things that will happen before you get your appointment at the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem!
“Fiddler on the Roof” duet featuring Matisyahu & Roger Waters!
Kerem House thinks your idea for an event is just Too Crazy to work.
Soldier on your Taglit trip wants a commitment before things go any further.
Bartender works at Mike’s Place for over a month.
Hen Mazzig & Ariel Gold move to Spain together.
Allenby doesn’t smell like pee today.
“Asking for a friend” post on Secret Tel Aviv is actually asking for a friend.
“I’m going back to Ulpan next year!”
Your friend comes back from Midburn but doesn’t really have much to say about it.
(Based on a True Story! We changed the name of the Olim! And the dog!)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 9/3/2022 at 5:30 PM
Tel Aviv: The nation was rocked yesterday by shocking news that threatens the Zionist ethos of Aliyah to its very core. Responding to an angry email from Liami published reports, Israel’s Misrad Klita (Ministry of Absorption) admitted that the “Va’ad Bayit” does not actually exist. That’s right, the additional maintenance fees that Olim have dutifully paid each month to their Building’s “Superintendent” was just a giant prank/scam that Israelis have been playing on Olim since the 1970’s. The Daily Freier set out to get to the bottom of this disturbing story.
The Daily Freier met with recent British Oleh David S., the heroic Whistleblower who first uncovered this deception. “A woman in my Building yelled at me about all of the hair that my dog Fred was leaving in the stairwell.” David explained. “I told her that I pay 100 Shekels monthly Va’ad Bayit to my Landlord and that it’s not my problem. She stared at me for ten seconds and then told me that there is no Va’ad Bayit in the Building.” (Real World Editor’s Note: This. Really. Happened.)
In our Quest for the Truth, the Daily Freier then met with American Oleh Danny C. “Each month I get a note on my door explaining who owes Va’ad Bayit, what the money goes toward, and when the next Building meeting will take place. So on the day of the Building Meeting, I knocked on my neighbor’s door and asked where everyone else was. He looked at me like I was on drugs. I told him that according to the memo, this was where the Building Meeting was taking place. He told me that they don’t actually have meetings.” Danny stared into space for a minute and then continued. “I heard that he got in a lot of trouble for telling me the truth.” (Real World Editor’s Note: This. Also. Really. Happened.)
Finally, the Daily Freier spoke with one of the many perpetrators of the scam, Tel Aviv resident Irit M. “Every year we take the Va’ad Bayit money and have a party in HaYarkon Park with balloons and a Bouncy Castle for the kids.” Irit explained. “We wait for a day that none of the Olim in our building will be around. Sometimes we contact Misrad Klita and ask them to call the Olim in for fake ridiculous appointments about their education benefits or something.“
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we asked Irit just how this scheme was able to go on for so long. “Because you Olim are SO Gullible!” Irit chuckled. “I bet you still think that the Hebrew language has vowels!”
Istanbul: The nation breathed a sigh of relief this morning after news that Iranian agents in Istanbul had released an Israeli tourist unharmed. Jeff Schwartz, an Oleh Not-So-Hadash from Long Island, was freed after his poor grasp of the Hebrew language convinced his captors that he couldn’t possibly be Israeli. The Daily Freier spoke with Jeff as officials from the Israeli Consulate escorted him to Istanbul Airport.
“Everything happened so fast.” explained Jeff as he stared nervously out the window. “One moment I was wandering around the Grand Bazaar, the next moment I was blindfolded in a van.“
The Daily Freier asked Jeff exactly how he was able to pull off his amazing escape. “I really don’t know.” he confessed. “This angry guy in a ski mask kept screaming at me in Hebrew. I knew he was using future tense verbs, but I had no idea what he was saying. I kept explaining to him that I still hadn’t completed Kita Bet and that he should stick to present tense. Then he hit me with a wooden mallet and I passed out. When I woke up, I asked him for ‘afshar mayim’, but I think that only made him angrier. After a while they just dropped me off on the side of the road. A nice Turkish family took me home and gave me tea and let me use their Wi-Fi to make a phone call.”
While his captors are still at large, Jeff convinced them that he ‘just really really need to post my Wordle score before my family on the East Coast goes to sleep“, and thus was able to secretly record a blurry video of his interrogation. While much of the recording is completely unintelligible, the Iranians appeared to make some progress after they switched to using flashcards.
Soon Jeff arrived at Istanbul Airport and his waiting flight back to Tel Aviv. Jeff profusely thanked the Israeli Consular officials and they promised to read the whole story of his 12-hour ordeal by checking out Jeff’s Aliyah Blog. But they were lying.
Beit Shemesh: “There are Facebook friends who share memes and like your posts; but you know what makes a real friend? It’s the people who bring me stuff when they come to visit, or at least send stuff with their cousin.” noted Malky, a resident of Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph. “But now that Osher Ad sells Montreal Steak Seasoning and I don’t need to smuggle it from North America, how do I know who my real friends are?” Malky took a long sip from her coffee and looked into the distance. “I don’t.“
“Yeah, I know that you can find Montreal Steak Seasoning at AM:PM.” she continued. “But who has that kind of money? I have 7 kids. I made Aliyah for cheap Yeshiva tuition.” (Editor’s note: We’re sure there were good Zionistic reasons to….) “You think I’m going to waste those savings on Montreal Steak Spice and duck sauce? And no, Amazon won’t ship it here. My programmer husband built an algorithm to periodically check Amazon to alert me if they started shipping it here.
The next question we had for Malky is how a busy mom like herself discovered that Osher Ad was selling Montreal Steak Seasoning. “Someone posted on the group.” she replied breezily. “The group?!” we asked.
You see, the same Start-Up Nation ingenuity that taught us to nudnik the US Embassy for appointments also started a Facebook group so people can alert one another when Osher Ad has Kirkland toilet paper in stock…. or Skippy peanut butter, which they’ve been out of for AGES!
The Daily Freier research team confirmed that this group exists (What, you think we made it up?) and promptly asked about where to buy those nice big rolls of Kirkland paper towels.
“You know…” Malky reminisced. “This reminds me of something my Russian grandmother said they used to do when the Soviet stores actually had meat in stock . One of the ladies on her floor would knock on everyone’s door and everyone would immediately go to the shop. Things were so difficult back then…. nothing like now!“
Editor’s Note: This is our SECOND story obsessing over McCormick Brand Montreal Seasoning in less than 6 months. So our message to McCormick Foods is the following: “Pay Us.“
Jerusalem: Are you unemployed with time on your hands? We are seeking folks with excellent Attention to Detail (mild OCD is a plus!) and a good internet connection for an exciting new business in Jerusalem!
Our Start-Up Nation ingenuity has found a way to solve the most pressing problem facing Olim in Israel (no, not the shortage of Skippy peanut butter or Kirkland toilet paper at Osher Ad)…. the lack of available appointments at the US Embassy.
You see, some people saw Corona as a challenge to overcome, whereas the U.S Embassy saw it as an opportunity to DO NOTHING. For a year. Seriously, they’re handing out appointments like Willie Wonka handed out Golden Tickets to his factory (But without the winsome charm of the late Gene Wilder, ז’ל.)
For a modest fee, one of our customer service specialists (OK, they’re all Kollel wives) will sit on the computer all day periodically refreshing the embassy website until an appointment opens up for you.
Listen to what this satisfied customer had to say: “So….umm….. does that mean your next venture is to pay people to sit at Osher Ad waiting for the delivery of Kirkland toilet paper? I would totally pay for that. Amazon has been so slow these days with my toilet paper orders.“
We are looking to fill positions immediately. No need for a TZ number…let’s not get those snoops at Maas Hachnasah involved. (“Strictly a fanciful jest!” -The Daily Freier Legal Department). Forward all inquiries to our HR Department at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Nefesh B’ Nefesh is proud to recognize this week’s most effective Advisor for Aliyah from the United Kingdom! Meet “Jezza”, a pensioner from Islington who has done some amazing pro-bono work for our London office!
Jezza is no stranger to Nefesh B’Nefesh, having done a superb job encouraging Aliyah from 2015 to 2020 while working in the Westminster neighborhood of London. Yet this week Jezza really hit his stride, even appearing at a parade with a giant float depicting a grotesque hook-nosed man with demonic eyes! That’s our Jezza!
Yet we are not the only ones who appreciate Jezza. Apparently the busy men and women at Hamas also gave him a shout-out (Non-Satire Alert: This really happened.) In fact, this weekend some of Jezza’s biggest fans decided to drive around North London sharing their support for our amazing volunteer!
Jerusalem, Katamon: American Olim across Israel are puzzled by the bizarre behavior of their British, Canadian, and South African friends. You see, in the Diaspora we’re all Jewish. But somehow when we arrive here, the Israelis decide that we’re all “Anglo-Saxons” (really). Anyhoo, it turns out that Americans have less in common with their fellow English-speakers than one would initially suspect. The Brits and other assorted Commonwealthians are in fact all obsessed by potato chips (Wait… they’re called crisps? Really?) that taste like they fell in salad dressing at a picnic. And now a reasonable facsimile of those chips has arrived in Eretz HaKodesh.
“Look at them plotting their route of makolets; it’s like they’re planning the D-Day Invasion.” noted an American Olah named Dassie as she watched her roommates huddled in a Katamon Cafe. The object of their desire? Salt & Vinegar chips.
“Yesterday, I saw my roommate Hannah taking selfies in the supermarket like a teenager.” Dassie confided. “I’ve lived with this girl for 4 years and I haven’t seen her so excited since the time her cousin from Leeds came to visit and brought a suitcase full of Cadbury chocolate and PG Tips teas. Who makes such a fuss over something silly like that?“
As we sipped our ice coffee, we heard a ruckus in the snack section of a nearby kiosk, a British guy and a Canadian guy violently fighting over the last bag of salt & vinegar chips. The shocked kiosk owner remarked “Wow… A Canadian acting rude…. and a British guy showing emotion!Moshiach is coming!“
When we got finished laughing at this foolish reaction over silly potato chips, we accidentally told Dassie that we’re planning a trip back to the States this month and she asked us to bring back Ziploc bags, K Cups, Dunkin Donuts coffee beans, the new iphone, and some decent cleaning products.
Tel Aviv: “What am I doing for Sylvester? Am I supposed to know him? And why are we supposed to be doing stuff for him? I don’t understand!” complained recent American Oleh Alex P. “All my Israeli friends keep asking me what I’m doing for Sylvester…. and I literally don’t know what they’re talking about.”
Alex explained that this past week, all his workmates could talk about was this mysterious guy named Sylvester. “One guy said he’s making a Barbecue for Sylvester. Another guy is hosting a wine & cheese party for him. My supervisor said he’s going to the pub for Sylvester. He invited me to join, but I didn’t know how to answer. I like pubs, but is this Sylvester guy coming with us? Wait, maybe Sylvester knows that other mystery guy Alan?”
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we suggested that maybe Alex would understand his workmates better if he invited them out to socialize. “Yeah, I already tried that…and it totally didn’t work.” he explained. “I asked the guys if they wanted to do something fun for New Year’s, but they just laughed at me and said to ask them in 9 months.”
Tel Aviv: “It’s a hate crime! Ethnic discrimination! Racism!” cried Mindy R. “These stores and their discriminatory practices that make the food I like more expensive. It’s just because I’m Ashkenazi, isn’t it?“
Mindy, a Passaic native who now lives in Tel Aviv, tearfully described her experiences shopping for food at her local AM:PM supermarket. “These cultural micro-aggressions have got to stop!”
“They’re charging 21 Shekels for a tiny bottle of McCormick’s seasoning, and like 10 Shekels for a kilo of some random yellow spices I’ve never heard of.” Mindy complained. “Their motives are pretty obvious; they think they’re better than me and are trying to force me to be like them…. maybe I don’t want to serve yellow chicken and yellow rice and yellow vegetables for Shabbos like every Israeli I know? That’s why they made the jars of duck sauce so expensive, because they don’t want me to buy them! And yeah, I tried Amazon and Target but they don’t ship here.”
We headed to Mindy’s corner supermarket with her typical shopping list: jarred gefilte fish, duck sauce, and cream of mushroom soup (You know, the essentials!) in order to get the whole story from Rami the manager. “Am I racist against her? No way! That girl is one of my best customers; she easily spends 4000 Shekels every month!”
We asked Mindy why, if she felt uncomfortable at her local grocery store, couldn’t she just go to another store like Osher Ad? “I would need a car to get to a supermarket like that.” she said. “I would totally buy one, but groceries are sooo expensive.”
UPDATE: Stay tuned for tomorrow when this crisis migrates to Facebook and morphs into an angry rant on the popular page “Living Financially Smarter in Israel”!
Jerusalem, Rasko: “After years of complaining about America, my cousins made Aliyah…. both the far-right and the far-left one!” gushed Jerusalem resident Chana N. “It all happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to ask them to bring me a suitcase full of Q-Tips, Montreal Spice, and Ziplocs.They arrived yesterday and immediately started their Aliyah blogs!”
Chana scrolled through her Facebook feed looking for each cousins’ posts. “Every time President Trump did something she didn’t like, my cousin Leora would write ‘That’s it! I can’t stay in America, I’m making Aliyah!‘ ….So far so good, right?”
“But with my other cousin, Miri, it was the exact same thing except it was Obama and Pelosi…. They’ve been saying it for years.”
Of course, when pressed about actually making Aliyah, each cited some vague excuses about ‘Parnasa’ and asked when Target and Amazon were going to start shipping to Israel. But after spending years as “Almost Olim“, America’s current Bi-Partisan Balagan helped make up their minds!
The Daily Freier reached both Leora and Miri on a Zoom call at their Quarantine Hotels. After politely listening to their gripes about the hotel food, we asked each woman why she made Aliyah: was it because of their Zionist ideals, a sense of religious duty, or were they escaping antisemitism? Miri chimed in. “First week of September my cousin in Israel is sending her kids to school and our old school district is closed! I’ll do anything to escape from a year of distance learning… Anything!”
In a show of solidarity and unity, both Leora and Miri vowed to wear their Nefesh B’ Nefesh hats until Moschiach arrives.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.