Tag: Aliyah

“They want me to make Yerida because they want my Stuff!” Canadian Oleh now suspicious of his friends

They want me to make Yerida because they want my stuff by the Daily FreierBy Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/10/2017 at 1:30 PM

Ra’anabananarama: A Canadian Oleh has begun to suspect that his friends are subtly trying to get him to leave Israel so they can get a bargain on his stuff. “I complained on Facebook about a rude clerk at Misrad Hapnim.” David S. said. “What else do you do? You go to the ‘Keep Olim in Israel’ page to kvetch and wait for everyone to invalidate your complaints, tell you to learn more Hebrew, call you a bad Zionist and remind you how difficult things were in 1974 when they did Aliyah. I complained about the clerk and then in frustration said that maybe I should just leave the country.”

Oddly enough, David’s friends began to leave supportive comments about how he shouldn’t put up with such nonsense…. and asking whether he was planning to take his stereo, futon, electric bike, and yoga mats with him when he went back to Toronto.

Maybe I’m just being paranoid.” confided David. “But my best friend Avi saw my post, so he came over with beer. He was very supportive when I was complaining…..maybe too supportive….. He kept telling me that I don’t deserve such abuse, that maybe I’d be better off back in Canada. When I went to the kitchen to get some napkins, I thought I saw him measuring my couches…. that’s weird, right?

They’re lovely couches.” Avi admitted. “The last time I saw such nice couches was at Phillipe’s moving sale. Phillipe? He was my best friend until he moved back to France after a clerk from Bituach Leumi yelled at him….. really nice guy though. You see that bookcase? That was his….also the coffee maker. Oh and that area rug, which really just pulls the whole room together.

Avi admitted to the Daily Freier that he may have encouraged Phillipe to go back. “Look, if someone treats you badly, you gotta boycott! The only way government agencies will make a change is if Olim stop using them… you know, complain on Facebook and then leave the country in a huff!

The Daily Freier wanted to try to talk David out of his rash decision, but then we saw his futon, which is almost brand new and would be the first thing in our apartment that we didn’t find on the sidewalk.

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Oleh who actually converted his foreign Drivers License gives TED Talk

Daily Freier TED Talk

*Based on a true story!

By Emily Goldstein and Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/21/2017 at 2:20 PM

Namal Tel Aviv: Israel’s Olim Community turned out in their finest outfits at Tel Aviv’s upscale Namal Port for the event of the season: a TED Talk by a recent immigrant to Israel entitled “I converted my Foreign License and got a valid Israeli Drivers License”. Jeff Schwartz, an Oleh (Sorta) Hadash mesmerized the crowd with his story of personal courage and determination and the harrowing test of wills he experienced at Holon’s Misrad Rishui (Department of Motor Vehicles).

You see, back in the Old Days, Israel determined that somewhere on the Nefesh B’ Nefesh flight over here, Olim forgot the ability to operate a motor vehicle. Therefore, they needed to take a drivers test administered by bureaucrats who totally did not have a  lucrative side deal going with Israeli driving instructors. Anyhoo, thanks to the good people at Keep Olim in Israel, the law changed. And now it’s completely simple to convert your foreign drivers license to an Israeli one. HaHa! Just some “Only in Israel!” humor for you! The whole thing is still a total mess! And we love it! Because once again, this topic has rescued the Daily Freier from Writer’s Block! Here on Planet Israel, there are actually thousands of dedicated public servants in the Motor Vehicle Department. And each of them is very diligently observing to the letter of the law their own personal interpretation and philosophy as to what the rules “really” mean.

Before the speech, the Daily Freier was able to speak with Ada, the Clerk at the Motor Vehicle Department who gave Jeff his license. “We demand that you bring a valid foreign license as well as proof that you have driven for more than 5 years….. So he brought every drivers license he has ever owned from New Mexico, Florida, Oregon, and the American Military. He said he had kept them all “just in case”….. this man was a bizarre weirdo with clear hoarder tendencies….. I really respected that.

So by actually taking the bus to Holon and hanging out in the Motor Vehicle Department all day and leaving with a license… well Jeff is a bit of a folk hero now. And people want to know his secret to success.

He’s basically my role model” explained Grant, a South African Oleh as the crowds left tonight’s talk and stepped into the Tel Aviv evening. “I think he should be in some sort of  ‘Profiles in Aliyah Courage’ or something.

He’s so fearless!” explained an Olah named Melissa to the Daily Freier’s Emily Goldstein. “I really feel like I need to get to know him better.” Melissa confided as she absent-mindedly twirled her hair.

Due to the overwhelming success of his speeches, Jeff has several more TED Talks planned this winter, to include:

1) “I bought fruit in the Shuk without getting screwed on the prices”
2) “I have more than 2 Israeli friends”
3) “HOT cable returned my phone call”
4) “The cab drivers at Savidor Station don’t think I’m a freier”

Dystopian Novel depicts a nightmare future Israel run by Anglo Olim

Dystopia Anglo OlimBy Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/12/2017 at 6:20 PM

Ra’anananadingdong: Israelis were frightened to their very core this week with the release of a chilling dystopian novel depicting life in a future Israel that is run by Anglo Olim. The novel, entitled “Lo Hevanti” (second choice: “Avshar Mayim?“), tells the story of an Israel in the year 2021 that is completely run by recent immigrants from the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, South Africa, and Australia. The story takes place two years after all the other Israelis got so tired of listening to Anglos tell them how much better we would run things if we were in charge…..that they all just threw up their hands and told us to have at it. And the whole balagan turns into “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. Except with better lunch options. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier sat in on a Literary Salon in Neve Tzedek as they reviewed “Lo Hevanti” and discussed how scared they were after reading it.

The Salon’s hostess started off the conversation. “So the Anglos rule that any argument on Secret Tel Aviv that lasts longer than 10 threads must then go to the Knesset for resolution…… and then the Knesset passes a law outlawing anyone from buying or selling dogs…..it just seemed so….so…. real.  Also, when they got Nefesh B’ Nefesh to amend the Basic Law so it now said that ‘Everything must be convenient.’….I couldn’t sleep that night.”

Local artist Tzvi then interjected with his scariest moment in the book. “When the entire economy breaks down after Lone Soldiers start going door to door asking for free shit to furnish their apartments….. I actually stopped answering my door for 3 days.

“I really liked ‘Dudi’, the Sabra hero of the book.” explained Ido. “Like when he hacks into “Keep Olim in Israel”…… in order to try to keep Olim from staying in Israel.

Finally, Florentin poet Meirav spoke up. “Hey! No spoilers! I’ve only read up to the point where the Prime Minister orders MK Tuttle-Singer to stop blogging while a motion is up for debate on the Knesset Floor.”

 

 

Universe implodes after Olim complain about post by Oleh on Keep Olim in Israel complaining about complainers

Keep Olim Universe implodes complaints complainingBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/7/2017 at 9:30 PM

The Andromeda Galaxy: Time and Space no longer exist as a concept that we can understand, and it’s all because of Facebook! Today on “Keep Olim in Israel“, a Facebook community dedicated to helping recent immigrants to Israel, there was a post. By an Oleh. Complaining. About complaining Olim. And then people complained about it. Well this was all a bit much for the old Universe, which has lately been straining to keep up with Keep Olim, and at around 7:30 PM local time this evening, the Universe simply imploded, ending existence as we know it.

Reaction to the implosion could be felt across the Israeli Olim Community. Dozens of people posted on Secret Tel Aviv, with the top posts being:

1) “Hey did anyone just hear something?”

2) “When the Universe implodes, is there supposed to be a siren?”

3) “When do the buses start running again?”

4) “Hi my friend is 35 years old, really cute, and single. He is looking for a nice girl to enjoy the implosion of the Universe with. No smokers.”

5) “Can anyone tell me the best breakfast places in Tel Aviv?”

Despite the confusion with the implosion of time and space, there was an up-side as well. Theological questions that were long wondered about finally have an answer. While Jews don’t really believe in Hell, we now know that those who did bad things must spend an eternity sitting on the beach in the middle of an endless matkot tournament. Yet other things make no sense. Somehow despite the end of time and space as we know it, multiple Aliyah blogs continue to exist and somehow continue to generate new content, mostly about how the “big jerk at the Post Office keeps using the time/space continuum as an excuse for why my package from Ali Baba hasn’t arrived yet.

Also, as the Daily Freier hurtled through the endless void toward Gan Eden, we could have sworn we saw an old bearded guy holding the Book of Mormon.

“But if my parents make Aliyah, who will shlep my shopping to Israel?” American Olah sues Nefesh B’ Nefesh

Living the Dream Aliyah Nefesh B' NefeshDISCLAIMER: This article has been submitted by a guest writer and by no means represents the editorial opinion of the Daily Freier. ‘Cuz we mamash love Nefesh B’ Nefesh. Live the Dream!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/29/2017 at 3:30 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph: An American Olah-Sorta-Hadasha has served Nefesh B ‘Nefesh with a restraining order, stipulating that the esteemed Aliyah agency stay no less than 500 meters from her parents and “not to try to reach them on Pinterest.” Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph resident Sherrie M. has laid down the law with Nefesh B’Nefesh on behalf of her elderly parents. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is now barred from any contact or communication with Sherry’s parents for a period of 10 years. Speaking from her home, Sherrie explained how distressed she was upon learning that a Nefesh representative had spoken at their family Shul and was passing out brochures.

The fliers said ‘Live the Dream‘. But how do they know what my parents’ dream is? Maybe their dream is to stay in New Jersey and come visit me every four months with three extra suitcases of my online purchases. Did they every think of that? Huh???

They’re selfish! They’re only thinking about themselves and their agenda… shame on them for taking advantage of vulnerable older people like that!” Sherrie fumed while browsing Amazon for pumpkin spice k-cups. “You think two cases is enough? Or should I get three? What about Ziplocs?

Despite all the current drama, Sherrie assured the Daily Freier that she was reasonable and open to compromise. “I would be happy if they spoke with Nefesh once the restraining order is up. Besides, in 10 years Shloimie my oldest boy should be going off to YU. So you know, I will just have Target ship everything to his dorm and he can bring it to me during Spring Break, Summer Break, the Chagim, and Chanukah.

Using their online package tracer, the Daily Freier was able to follow an Amazon delivery truck to the Teaneck, New Jersey home of Murray and Rhonda, Sherrie’s parents. “Our daughter is a true Zionist pioneer and we are so proud of her. Things are difficult over there. Even Target is afraid to ship to them! So if we can help her by bringing a few things, it’s the least we can do.” explained Rhonda. “Imagine if she had to go to the mall. I mean, those are dangerous places! Our ladies tehillim group has been davening for that poor boy lost in Dizengoff center since 2015. Wait…. did he ever make his way out?

Just for Aliyah Day, I drive you to airport even though my taxi meter is broken

The Daily Freier celebrates Aliyah Day(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 10/25/2017 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Hello! You speak English! Where do you want to go? The airport? No problem. No problem.

What? You want me to drop you off at the train station and go to Ben Gurion by train? No. No. Very bad, the trains today. Very bad. I take you all the way to Ben Gurion. No problem.

So where you from? Los Angeles? My sister lives in Miami. Next time I visit her, I want to see Los Angeles, Yellowstone, and the Alamo. Rent a car. How far from Miami? Six hours?

Oh yes! Happy Aliyah Day! So why did you move here, you Big Shmuck? HaHa! Just kidding! Not Really! Anyway, Happy Aliyah Day! Olim are so special for me! You are Zionism, you know what I mean? That is why I keep working today even though it’s my day off. Also, even though my taxi meter is broken. Just for you, my friend. How much for the ride? Ehhhh…. You tell  me what you think a fair price is. You said 150 Shekels? I think 200 Shekels is more fair.

Happy Aliyah Day!

Canadian Olah “mildly annoyed” at being mistaken for American

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/17/2017 at 2:30 PM

Judea and Samaria: A Canadian-Israeli Olah has petitioned the American government for U.S. citizenship claiming that all the Israelis on her yishuv already believe that she is American anyway. Rivky K. has lived in a town 15 minutes north of Jerusalem for over 5 years and is known to everyone as ‘Rivky ha-Amerikait’ …even though she is not actually American. “Everyone thinks I’m American and all they want to do is kvetch to me about President Trump.” Rivky noted. “If I have to put up with that every day, I want all the other benefits of U.S. citizenship…isn’t that fair?

Rivky explained that the misunderstanding happened shortly after she moved to the yishuv. “I went to get my mail, nothing much… just 10 or 12 parcels from Next and Amazon. Svetlana, the doar [post office] lady spoke a bit of English and told me about “all the other nice Americans here” who she knew: Sarah, who had a baking supply store [editor’s note: Sarah is Australian] and Rabbi H. [yep…. South African] and Malka the seamstress [British… of course] Svetlana started calling me ‘Rivky ha-Amerikait’ but I didn’t have the language skills to correct her… so the nickname stuck”

It’s not my fault! I just wish there was a way I could communicate better with the Israelis here… you know, like if they improved their English or something.” she griped. “But I’m working on it! I have a great idea about setting up some kind of an intensive language-learning school for them… what do you think?