Tag: Ulpan Gordon

The Daily Freier Movie!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the finest 6 minutes of cinema in the history of …. cinema: “American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years.

 

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American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 Years

Jeff Schwartz 2By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/27/2016 at 5:45 PM

Tel Aviv, LaSalle: Today the Daily Freier shares a story of setbacks, the Triumph of the Human Spirit, and an inability to memorize basic verb forms. Now entering his 8th year in Kita Bet, Oleh Not-So-Hadash Jeff S. is still unable to pass the end of course exam, and is thus trapped inside of the Ulpan Gordon Language School in Tel Aviv.  The Daily Freier spoke with Jeff during his 10 AM break.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong” wondered Jeff.  “It just feels like I’m in some sort of rut. I mean, my Hebrew hasn’t really improved since Obama’s first Term, but then again my conversational Russian and French are really getting good!”

Despite Jeff’s failings as a student, the dedicated faculty have not given up on him. When he finally mastered Past Tense Verbs last year, the teachers threw him a party. “It was kind of like a Bar Mitzvah.” explained Ulpan Gordon’s Principal, wiping away tears. “And when he made the Bracha on the wine, he was just as illiterate as he was back in 2009.

Unable to graduate and thus depart the premises, Jeff survives from day-to-day on the snack bar, occasional birthday cake, and emergency rations from the U.S. Embassy Citizens’ Services Section. Various Birthright tours passing through drop off messages from his family, as well as Hebrew flashcards.

The years of isolation have taken their toll on Jeff. He currently makes cultural reference from the 2000’s Decade, to include “Friendster“, “You’re Fired“, and “The OC“. He is currently unaware of Post-First Generation iPhones. His “Arrested Development” quotes are still funny though.

Jeff has become somewhat of an institution at Ulpan Gordon. His current teacher, Shirli, is in fact the daughter of his first teacher in 2009, Nava.  “B’zrat HaShem, some day my granddaughter or grandson will teach him.” mused Nava. Shirli also shared her mother’s affection for Jeff.  “He gets along really well with my family. My five-year old Uri adores him. But lately, Uri’s been expanding his vocabulary and finds their conversations somewhat limited and a bit boring.”

In addition to Jeff’s friendships with the faculty, he has managed to maintain somewhat of a social life as well. In 2010, Jeff dated, married, and got divorced from a French Olah in his class. Nava explained the situation to us. “We held the reception in the auditorium. We had soda, cake, and a slide show. It was actually quite tasteful.” In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier contacted Joane, Jeff’s ex. “I really enjoyed class with Jeff. But he was never there for me to help around the house.”  explained Joane.

Many people wonder just how this tragedy has been allowed to go on so long. The Daily Freier contacted the Misrad HaKlitah (Ministry of Absorbtion) to find out. “Normally, recent immigrants are only granted 5 months of free Hebrew lessons.” explained Uzi, from the Front Desk. “But we really just want to see where this ends up. So every 5 months we extend his benefits.  We actually have a bit of a betting pool going.” Uzi then lowered his voice to a whisper and leaned in closer to us. “By the way, just curious, but when you saw him, was he able to name all of the Hebrew Vowels yet?”

The Daily Freier then contacted Nefesh B’Nefesh to demand answers on how they allowed this situation to continue.  A Dati Leumi woman from their Jerusalem Office named BatSheva or Elisheva or JustSheva answered our phone call. “Whenever an Oleh from North America stays here more than six months without moving back, we consider this a win.  So he’s really good for our statistics.”

UPDATE: The IDF mounted a clandestine operation this evening to rescue Jeff from Ulpan Gordon, as they have a Squad Leader position in their Olah Hadashah Code Talker Unit that needs to be filled.

 

 

 

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Eyal Golan opens new class for Olim at Ulpan Gordon

Eyal Golan opens new class for Olim at Ulpan Gordon Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: backtotheroots.weebly.com)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/19/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, LaSalle: Taking part in an innovative program of the Misrad HaKlitah aimed at welcoming new Olim and helping them adapt to Israeli culture, famous singer Eyal Golan opens his class in Ulpan Gordon next month. The class will take place once a week and will help students to learn Hebrew in a fun way by translating and singing songs of the popular singer (a Mizrachi style hand clapping tutorial will also be provided).

On behalf of Mr. Golan, his spokesperson Roy told us a bit about the education program, which is rumoured to be quite hands-on. “The program is based on Eyal’s albums and divided into several levels:

1. Look at me (הסתכלי אלי) – Levels Alef and Alef Plus
2. You touched my heart (נגעת לי בלב) – Alef Plus-Plus students, who have learned past tense
3. Soldier of Love (חייל של אהבה) – Level Bet
4. Whisper in the Night (לחישה בלילה) – for Advanced Students, personally selected by Eyal

This class is more suitable for single women, but other students are also (sort of) welcome.” added Roy. Mr. Golan’s Insurance Provider still has not signed off on his participation, due to certain totally unfounded rumors in the past. However, many female students at Ulpan Gordon are already thrilled and getting ready to hold a protest in Kikar Rabin to support the program.

Are there going to be any tests to join the class? “Eyal looks forward to seeing all students at his classes, but French and South American accents seem to be more inspiring for him. You know, he has already gotten tired of Russian accents.” said Roy after a few free shots (chasers we mean!) of Arak.

Cofix launches Aleph-Bet Soup for Olim

Cofix Aleph Bet Soup Olim Daily Freier Israel

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/8/2016 at 4:10 PM

Tel Aviv: Battle-scarred and cash-strapped Olim have found an unusual ally in their challenge to master the Hebrew language – budget coffee retailer Cofix. The ‘Starbucks for the Poor’ chain has this week unveiled a new product – HASH – or Hot Alphabet Soup in Hebrew, so that Olim can eat and learn at the same time.

Early signs are promising and threatening to the more traditional routes of learning at one of the city’s many Ulpan language courses.

For a cool five shekels, the hoards of new arrivals can get ahold of a menu designed to help them get past level Aleph before their 60th birthday. The menu boasts the delightful:

1. Mem-estroni, filled with croutons showing the difference between Final Mem and Samech
2. Chicken soup for the Shin
3. C-Lamed Chowder
4. A noodle soup with different noodle lengths to help novices understand Yud (Baby Final Nun), Vav (the middle brother) and Final Nun himself.

Admittedly, I felt a little sensitive about ordering ‘HASH’ at a coffee shop. This is a liberal city but it ain’t Amsterdam.” said Luton-born Oleh Roy Freeman. “Still, it is a good start. I also bought some falafel in the shape of vowels. This was all really welcome because just last week I asked for a glass of water (Cos Mayim) but instead demanded a Cus Mayim. [This is a family newspaper so the non Hebrew speakers will need to look this one up themselves- the Editors] ….. The waitress was not too horrified.

Canadian Morty Caplan added: “What a great idea. Easily beats a book for learning. I haven’t learned the letters since my Bar Mitzvah, some 50 years ago, and it showed when I wandered into AM:PM to ask for a punnet of strawberries. While grapes – anavim – is only one letter away from what I asked for – aravim – it was a little embarrassing as apparently Arabs don’t come in punnets. I forgot my receipt in a hurry.”

In response, Ulpan Gordon pushed the boat out and bought a packet of biscuits and some Fuze Tea for their Class Bet.

Israel admits that Hebrew Vowels are just a 50 Year Prank on Olim

Daily Freier Vowels Aliyah

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 5/16/2016 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem, Givat RamGovernment and Academic sources, speaking at a Conference held at the Academy of the Hebrew Language, made an astonishing admission today: that the use of Vowels in Hebrew is just one giant punk on Olim.

Honestly, we never thought it would go on this long.” chuckled Professor Binyamin M.  “After the Six Day War, a lot of Western Olim started showing up to volunteer, and some of the Kibbutzniks thought it would be funny to tell them that there were special invisible dots and lines underneath the letters that they can’t see but that they must say. And they went along with it!  I guess the Emperor really wears no clothes.”

President Rivlin, who was on site to present an award for the best new Hebrew playwright, couldn’t contain his laughter. “It’s all a joke! Kamatz, Patach, Segol. We even wondered if we could force Olim to draw a Tic-Tac-Toe Board, so we made up the Shuruk! Good times!

Vowels Shmowels

The Academy explained that when an Oleh does something particularly Israeli, they hold a secret ceremony and read them into the joke. Jessica, a Canadian Olah Hadashah who recently screamed at a man on an electric bicycle for 5 minutes without letting go of the 11 dogs she was walking, while eating a sandwich and keeping up with 2 Whats-App Group conversations before finally ending the argument and discreetly giving the man her phone number, explained. “So yeah, after my little “incident”, the head of Misrad HaKlita brought me to Hebrew University for the ceremony.” When the Daily Freier asked Jessica if she could describe the ceremony, she insisted that she had been sworn to secrecy. When the Daily Freier asked her if the ceremony involved hummus, she changed the subject.

Israeli Family cancels Paris Vacation & enrolls in Ulpan Gordon “because it’s kind of the same thing”

(Photo Credit: Our Friends at Ulpan Gordon Who Know That We Love Them Even If We Make Fun of Them)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/20/2016 at 9:20 PM

Tel Aviv: The Levy family of Rehovot are one savvy Mishpachah.  Looking at the financial cost of fulfilling their dream vacation to the City of Light, they opted for a far less expensive alternative: spending two weeks at Tel Aviv’s Ulpan Gordon language school.  “We really just wanted to immerse ourselves in the French experience: To hear nothing but people speaking French. Eat nothing but French food. To really feel like we were in a different country.  But between plane tickets, hotels, and tour costs, we just couldn’t afford it.” explained husband Danny. “And then we looked at Ulpan Gordon, and it met all of our needs. It basically feels like France but with better weather.”

The Daily Freier also  spoke with Danny’s wife Smadar in the school courtyard as she smoked cigarettes, drank coffee and chatted with her classmates in French during break.  “Our kids have been studying French in school for 3 years.  But they’re surrounded by too much Hebrew in the home and can never practice.  Ulpan Gordon fixed that.  The kids are able to cross-talk with their classmates in French the entire class. I mean, sure the teacher tried to get them to speak in Hebrew, but after a while she kinda gave up.

Danny and Smadar had to cut the interview short and return to class because they were scheduled to watch a Jerry Lewis film followed by a movie set in Netanya.

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