———–?
———————?
————————————?
———————————————————-?
—————————————————–———————?
1) Get more votes.
2) Win an Election.
Tag: Tel Aviv problems
Welcome to the latest addition to our line of Israel-themed Barbie Dolls! Roxy Cruz has taken time out of her busy schedule of pestering her Facebook friends about the virtues of Veganism in order to bring us this new character in her evolving North Tel Aviv Soap Opera! Back in 2020 we met Covid Meirav Barbie, Ken Yuval Melech HaShuk, Yuval’s European Wife Barbie, and Yuval’s girlfriend Barbie Sigalit. In 2023, Roxy introduced us to #GirlBoss Barbie Danit and her Ex Ken Ofir HaHatir. Danit’s story was so compelling that today we bring you her husband. So without further ado, please say hello to Ken Uri the Startup Guy!
Lives in Ramat Aviv with his wife Barbie Danit and their 3 children. Runs a well-funded Online Investment Startup which he created with the $3 Million that his father gave him after Uri gave up his dream of moving to Ecuador and starting a nudity hostel.
Uri wakes up every day at 5:00 AM for no reason at all other than to watch himself in the mirror and say his affirmations. Then he takes an ice shower before he goes to run meetings at his office in Ramat HaHayal, where Uri gives vague instructions to his managers and throw tantrums like a toddler.
Goes to ‘Sexy Fish’ with Ron on the weekends and has a secret relationship with Barbie Sadie, who he met at a Feminine Power retreat.
Has a picture of Elon Musk tattooed on his butt.
* If our readers make a big enough ruckus, maybe we can nudnik Roxy into creating the “Barbie Sadie” character!
** Please do not Google “Ecuador Nudity Hostel”.
Please welcome the latest addition to our line of Barbie Israel products! When last we caught up with our in-house designer Roxy Cruz, she had introduced us to Ken Ofir HaHatir. Today we meet Barbie Danit, who has a somewhat complicated “History” with Mr. Ofir HaHatir.
Also, our Legal Department asked us to remind all of you that any resemblance between our line of Barbies and actual people who may or may not live in or around Tel Aviv is strictly coincidental!
Danit lives in Ramat Aviv with her husband Ken Uri The Startup Guy, and her three children Prince, Lolla and Duke. Also their dog Steve.
Barbie Danit drinks green tea every day with her best friend, Barbie Shoshi, who is married to Ken Ron the Chef and is a busy mom and businesswoman. They both do two daily hours of meditation and manifestation, followed by one hour of affirmation and writing down their goals for the day. Then they go out in their yoga pants to run errands and attend business meetings. Neither of them do yoga.
Barbie Danit has a small store in Basel where she sells 400 shekel succulents because hashtag Bossbabe. However, as she made only 3270 shekels this month (before Vat), Ken Uri will be investing in her business again because it’s a new business full of potential that only started in 2017 and it’s also hashtag relationship goals. Though the ROI is low, Uri the Startup Guy invests because it’s better than the DYI candle business that she had before. Also because Danit doesn’t know what ROI stands for.
Barbie Danit is going to therapy because whenever she sees her Toxic Ex of 17 years ago Ken Ofir HaHatir, (every time she goes to his falafel business by accident), she has a panic attack. Ken Uri the Startup Guy pays for the therapy sessions.
*Barbie Danit Meditation Retreat Outfit and Xanax Pills each sold separately.
By Aaron Pomerantz & Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 5/22/2023 at 8:45 PM
Tel Aviv: Another chapter in Olim failing to acclimate to Israel has sadly just been written. Yulia the endangered seal came to our shores just weeks ago with high hopes. Yet she swam away yesterday, after an Aliyah process that those close to her describe as “difficult”.
Yulia began her journey with high hopes, with her own Instagram page dedicated to pictures of her “A-Ma-Zing” Israeli breakfast and cats that she befriended in Neve Tzedek. Yet almost immediately, things took a problematic turn. Her interactions with native Israelis proved difficult. At one point a local seal began pestering Yulia and lying about his military service, claiming he was “a Navy Seal“.
Trying to make sense of it all, The Daily Freier was able to reach out to some of Yulia’s friends. “This all happened so quickly. I just don’t understand.” lamented Yulia’s friend Jessica from Ulpan. “Is this because the French are coming next month?”
The Daily Freier also reached out to Yulia’s friend Zachary. “Yulia found a nice place on the beach and settled down. About an hour later, a realtor showed up and demanded 7,000 Shekels because he showed her the rocks.“
Yet there were many in the Community who reached out to Yulia and tried to “make it work” for her. The Daily Freier spoke with a Nefesh B’ Nefesh spokeswoman from their Jerusalem office named Bat Sheva or Elisheva or Just Sheva, and she described her efforts to find Yulia a nice beach on the Kinneret through their “Go North” program. In addition, two young ladies from Chabad stopped by Yulia’s beach every Friday and gave her Challah and some candles. Also, when some guy on the Aliyah Support Group “Keep Olim in Israel” made fun of Yulia’s Hebrew, Liami threatened to kick his ass.
Finally, The Daily Freier reached out to some other sea creatures who left Israel with broken dreams, Ethan and Shoshanna Jellyfish. “This doesn’t have to be the end.” explained Shoshanna. “Maybe Yulia can come back for a MASA program in the Fall.” Shoshanna thought for a moment and continued. “I bet MASA has a program for sea creatures. They have a program for everything!“
It’s been a minute, but the Daily Freier’s very own line of Israeli Barbie dolls are back! That’s right, the decidedly Tel Avivi dolls designed by our friend Roxy Cruz have returned! Previously we showcased such fan favorites as Barbie Yuval Melech HaShuk, as well as Barbie Meirav Covid. But now we are back with a brand new line of disturbingly accurate Barbie Dolls living here in Eretz Yisrael. So without further ado, please give a big welcome to Barbie Ken Ofir HaHatir!
Ofir works at a falafel place and shares an apartment with 2 students on Ben Yehuda street. His mother pays his share of the rent because she believes that he has dyslexia and has too many problems to hold a job (although he was never formally diagnosed), and dreams of his wedding (but never likes any of his girlfriends because she thinks they are all frechas and not worthy of him.)
He is a proud graduate of the “University of Life”. Ofir just Invited Barbie Taglit Debra on a date. He will take her to HaMezeg Bar and order only a beer and edamame because he has only 170 shekels to his name and he needs to take Barbie Sigalit on a date next Saturday. Also Barbie Israeli Spouse if she gets tired of Ken Yuval Melech HaShuk.
*If you call now, you will also get a free pair of Havaiana flip flops for Ken Ofir as well as the mug for his Nescafe.
**Box of antibiotics for Barbie Taglit Debra’s discomfort after unprotected sex with Ken Ofir sold separately.
Welcome back to “Dear Daily Freier”, an advice column run by the remarkably unqualified! This week we take the questions of our favorite pen pal, Sari Ellen, who has some issues with a certain jerk Transportation App….
Dear Daily Freier: Hi-oosh!! So last Thursday night, last minute, there was an ad in my girls-only WhatsApp group for a Female Side of the Moon/Cacao Ceremony/Sound Bath Ritual. Only 500 sheks!! WOW!! I hadn’t had a Sound Bath in a week, so I was, like, yalla!!
I paid. Got my e-ticket. Yada yada yada.
I quickly stripped off two layers of clothes; then added the big boots, nine chains and my shih tzu, Schmutzy. I was on my way.
Problem arose when I opened my Moovit app so it could do its thing directing me to the appropriate bus.
In the sweet early days when Moovit and I first got together, Moovit had been super supportive. I’d paid for the ad-free version and Moovit seemed genuinely fascinated by wherever I wanted to go. Moovit listened, he really listened. Noted my preferences. Repeatedly asked when, and precisely how, I yearned to arrive. I’d type in my destination and Moovit figured out the rest. We just worked. No interruptions. No digressions into Incognito Mode to sneak off with another rider. I didn’t think I was misreading the signals. Moovit seemed to be truly madly deeply focused on me.
I wondered, could Moovit be The One? The app of my dreams? Should I tell my folks in New Jersey? I couldn’t have been happier. Our interaction was satisfying, like pure pleasure. And so, last Thursday, when I told Moovit where I wanted to go, same as I had many times before, the only thing I expected was yet another smooth easy ride.
As always, Moovit set out the route from my home to the closest bus stop. Then Moovit told me when my bus would arrive. I did my share, too. Made it to the bus stop on time. Patiently waited. Six minutes. Five minutes. Four minutes. Three minutes. Two minutes. One minute. Then Moovit said “Now.” Y’know how that goes, right? My bus was coming “Now.”
Only no bus ever came. I stared into the distance. Gajillion trucks, buses, cars, vans, motorcycles, e-bikes, scooters. Everything but the bus I was expecting. I couldn’t believe Moovit would let me down. For another five minutes Moovit insisted my bus was coming “Now.”
And I believed. I really did. But then the word “Now” disappeared from my screen.
My bus was gone. Like how does a whole bus disappear? And how could Moovit have ghosted me like that? Without warning. Not one single waving red flag.
I’ve been very perplexed ever since. Is this the Universe’s way of telling me I should return to New Jersey? Can a bus be commitment-phobic? I mean, after all, we’re talking Tel Aviv. Should I keep waiting at the bus stop? Or, maybe, should I look up that bartender, Dudi, who offered me a ride to wherever I wanted to go…. whenever…. wherever….
Only not to his apartment, because Dudi says that his roommates are almost always home. Also, most of his roommates believe that they’re his kids, while another seems to think that she’s his wife.
Signed,
Good Vibes Only
Dear Good Vibes Only,
You should totally rebound with that sketchy app Waze who lives in the Shuk but takes his laundry home to his mom in Hadera every weekend.
(Editors Note: If you think this is the first time that the Daily Freier has used Tel Aviv’s public transportation system as a metaphor for boy problems, you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.)
(Based on a True Story! We changed the name of the Olim! And the dog!)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 9/3/2022 at 5:30 PM
Tel Aviv: The nation was rocked yesterday by shocking news that threatens the Zionist ethos of Aliyah to its very core. Responding to an angry email from Liami published reports, Israel’s Misrad Klita (Ministry of Absorption) admitted that the “Va’ad Bayit” does not actually exist. That’s right, the additional maintenance fees that Olim have dutifully paid each month to their Building’s “Superintendent” was just a giant prank/scam that Israelis have been playing on Olim since the 1970’s. The Daily Freier set out to get to the bottom of this disturbing story.
The Daily Freier met with recent British Oleh David S., the heroic Whistleblower who first uncovered this deception. “A woman in my Building yelled at me about all of the hair that my dog Fred was leaving in the stairwell.” David explained. “I told her that I pay 100 Shekels monthly Va’ad Bayit to my Landlord and that it’s not my problem. She stared at me for ten seconds and then told me that there is no Va’ad Bayit in the Building.” (Real World Editor’s Note: This. Really. Happened.)
In our Quest for the Truth, the Daily Freier then met with American Oleh Danny C. “Each month I get a note on my door explaining who owes Va’ad Bayit, what the money goes toward, and when the next Building meeting will take place. So on the day of the Building Meeting, I knocked on my neighbor’s door and asked where everyone else was. He looked at me like I was on drugs. I told him that according to the memo, this was where the Building Meeting was taking place. He told me that they don’t actually have meetings.” Danny stared into space for a minute and then continued. “I heard that he got in a lot of trouble for telling me the truth.” (Real World Editor’s Note: This. Also. Really. Happened.)
Finally, the Daily Freier spoke with one of the many perpetrators of the scam, Tel Aviv resident Irit M. “Every year we take the Va’ad Bayit money and have a party in HaYarkon Park with balloons and a Bouncy Castle for the kids.” Irit explained. “We wait for a day that none of the Olim in our building will be around. Sometimes we contact Misrad Klita and ask them to call the Olim in for fake ridiculous appointments about their education benefits or something.“
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we asked Irit just how this scheme was able to go on for so long. “Because you Olim are SO Gullible!” Irit chuckled. “I bet you still think that the Hebrew language has vowels!”
With Corona moving into our collective rear-view mirror, there are some A-Ma-Zing ideas for exploring this beautiful country of ours! Lots to see, Lots to do, Lots to eat! We have heard of some amazing tours starting this Spring. Unfortunately, we have also heard some not-so-good ideas… and it is our journalistic duty to Spill the Tea. So without further ado, the Daily Freier presents the Ten Worst Tour Ideas for Israel!
1) Locusts & Honey: a culinary tour inspired by John the Baptist!
2) Grab your numbered pottery shards, it’s Bingo Night on Masada!
3) “Find your way out of Dizengoff Center” long weekend adventure
4) “Let’s walk up and down all the hills in Haifa!”
5) “Ecce Homo”: We show you the hottest Gay Night Life in Jerusalem’s Old City!
6) Danny the Digger rummages through your trash and posts it on Youtube.
7) Afula, Afula, Afula!
8) “Festival of the Senses”: A Scratch n’ Sniff Tour of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station
9) Drink beer in Machane Yehuda on a Thursday evening! Wait, Sorry. This is actually Peak Nightlife for Jerusalem. Never Mind.
10) Sarah Tuttle-Singer leads a historical walk through Neve Tzedek but gets really baked and spends the entire evening looking for Tacos instead.
By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 3/16/2022 at 11:30 AM
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: It’s party time in Tel Aviv! That’s right, Purim starts tonight and your rooftop party is going to be Off. The. Hook. You got the food, the drink, the ice, the music. Nothing can ruin what will no doubt be a night to remember!
Except for this one thing… You’ve been texting with your girlfriends all day and it seems that each and every one of them has come up with an amazingly unique idea for a costume: Frida Kahlo! This could be worse than Prom Night.
Let us explain: Every woman in Tel Aviv has at one time dressed up as Frida Kahlo or thought about dressing up as Frida Kahlo. There are no exceptions. Also, every single bar in Tel Aviv south of Allenby Street has at least one picture of Frida Kahlo on the wall. Again, no exceptions. This is Science.
You can’t really blame them because the Frida Kahlo costume has a lot going for it. First of all, it’s not difficult to procure. Simply get a nice vintage dress. Put your hair up. Some women might need to draw exaggerated eyebrows unless they’re Persian. Go to the Shuk and get some random flowers or fruits and just put them in your hair. And there you are, Frida Kahlo!
Plus, there is just something exciting about dressing up as an artist who was portrayed by Salma Hayek, had lots of Jewish friends, and may or may not have shtupped Trotsky. This costume is truly an all-around winner. Except now you are stuck with a slow-motion disaster movie that will be filmed on your roof. Knowing glances, dramatic exits, crying drunk texts. This could get bad.
You call your best friend for advice, but she’s busy waiting for her Mishloach Manot package from Telegrass. Hey, maybe some of your guy friends can help you out with this! Wait, never mind. Every single guy you know is busy procuring a tan blazer, black turtleneck, stubble, and black tortoise shell glasses in order to become the Tinder Swindler for Purim. You keep telling yourself that they’re doing this ironically.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 7/22/2021 at 5:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Ibn Gavriol: Tel Aviv: Tel Aviv residents “in the know” are facing a dramatic new reality: You don’t need to work for Wolt to be a total dick.* The city has re-discovered a Tel Aviv icon named Dan who is proving once again that being a total dick is a state of mind that should not depend on working for a company where the drivers appear to be encouraged to run over pedestrians on the sidewalk, block bike lanes, and ignore crosswalks.
You see, the Daily Freier first met Dan G. in 2015 when he refused to give in to the Knife Intifada and instead kept going about his business of being a jerk. Next, we caught up with Dan in 2019 when he proved that with an e-scooter, one did not actually need a car to park like a dick. But now Dan is taking a stand once again, insisting that he does not need to work for Wolt to maintain his credential as a total zayin. The Daily Freier caught up with Dan to hear his side of the story.
“You see that?” Dan asked, motioning to a Wolt driver jumping a curb and almost hitting a woman before blocking the sidewalk with his bike and walking into a restaurant to grab an order. “That’s amateur hour. Call me when you double park your car, walk into a supermarket, then cut the line claiming you were there before and just left for a moment.”
The Daily Freier asked Dan if he felt that the proliferation of Wolt drivers doing mildly sociopathic things was diluting his own personal brand of being a dick. “That’s a good question.” Dan mused as he stood in the bike lane forcing cyclists onto the sidewalk. “The Covid epidemic and the rise of takeout food allowed a lot of these guys the opportunity to get paid while making life difficult for others. But what’s going to happen after Corona?” Dan thought for a moment as his unleashed dog chased another dog. “They’re going to learn that their blue insulated delivery bag was just a crutch.”
As the Daily Freier ended the interview, a Wolt deliveryman asked us to step off of the narrow sidewalk into the street so he could pass more easily. Dan stared at him for a moment in silent awe.
“OK, now I’m impressed.“
*But it helps.