Tag: Tel Aviv problems

The Daily Freier Movie!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the finest 6 minutes of cinema in the history of …. cinema: “American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years.

 

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Pride gone. Now Let’s Get Real

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/5/2017 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Sheinkin: I am sure my dad would be surprised at dating today – he met my mum at a Valentine’s Day disco in Liverpool – asked if she wanted crisps. She did. They were married for 40 years. Maybe it was Bamba.

Today, have we gone completely nuts? The gay world, literally. If a shared love of crisps belongs to a bygone era, at least let technology be accurate. As a sexual navigation app, it fails. Often.

Here’s Juan Carlos, he is from Chihuahua, Mexico. Oh. Does the Number 63 Bus go there? Can I use my RavKav? Waze says no. Once, someone in Cairo messaged me because his GPS said I was around the corner. Maybe we were once ‘one’ in Canaan. But in 2017? Not so much.

As the technological retreat gathers pace, they are now setting up special wards at Ichilov Hospital for people getting carpal tunnel syndrome from swiping through Atraf at 20 profiles per minute. I should know…. I was just in outpatients. Swipe, scroll, drool, click, next. I could not help marvelling at the talking nipples, zooming in on their bathroom mirror to see if they have used Windolene (you can tell a lot about places and people from their bathrooms, they say). And then, the Sears catalogue of the obligatory selfie at the gym – the new photo booth of the 21st century. I tried. Called someone over to help me lift the 50kg bar bell…….. aaaaand that’s why I was really at Ichilov.

Host?” has become the new hello; the winky emoticon as close to a technological marriage as possible. I am rather partial of the little embarrassed one with deformed jazz hands. Spellings go out the window. ‘Have u got plans?’ Yes: You, Me, Shopping, Oxford English Dictionary. If you know how to use a comma, marry me. Just tell me what crisps you want at the wedding.

I am still a little old-fashioned.

Guy that saw you get stung by jellyfish really really wants to pee on you now

Jellyfish Daily Freier(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/2/2017 at 2:15 PM

Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Ouch that really stings! OMG this really really hurts! Jellyfish I hate you! I really really hate you! But wait, there’s a guy waving at you from the shore and it looks like he wants to help you. Only in Israel!

So he’s looking at the sting on your arm. This really really hurts! But he said he can make the pain away. By peeing on the sting. Wait what? And what is it about this City and Pee?

But you’ve heard about this before. I mean, it sounds familiar. Just happy that he was able to respond so quickly to help you. Like, really really quickly. But what’s with the binoculars around his neck? Almost like he was scanning the beach. And why does he need TWO water bottles? I mean, we all need to stay hydrated. But he seems, like, really really hydrated.

So he’s telling you that he needs to pee on the wound. Right. Now….. But wait. The lifeguard is coming over to you. And this Good Samaritan Dude is not happy about this at all. So the lifeguard just sprayed some vinegar on your arm. Wow that feels really good! But Mister Pee just stormed off in a huff.

Wait. Now he’s scanning the ocean with his binoculars. OMG somebody in the water just screamed that they got stung. And now he’s running into the surf and waving at her.

Welcome to Israel.

Tel Aviv man with filthy car now pretending he just got back from Midburn

Guy with filthy car now pretending he just got back from MidburnBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/6/2017 at 7:15 PM

Tel Aviv, Maze: So the guy down the street with the filthy car has now come up with an ingenious plan that does not involve actually cleaning his car: subtly letting people think that he just got back from Midburn down in the Negev. Midburn, the Israeli version of Burning Man, ended last Friday. And Midburners are pretty excited about…. TELLING YOU THAT THEY WENT TO MIDBURN.  So everyone who was there is currently telling their friends, relatives, lovers, ex-lovers, supermarket cashiers, cab drivers, former roommates…. basically they are telling EVERYBODY that they just got back from Midburn. And one of the coolest ways to tell people you went to Midburn without actually telling them is to drive around town in your dust-covered vehicle, fresh from the desert.

So the guy down the street? You knew something was up when he started walking to and from his car carrying an umbrella, hula hoops, and light sticks. Also he is suddenly wearing cowboy chaps and a hat made of feathers. And what’s up with the sun goggles? It’s all rather Mad Max Thunderdome. Yet it appears to be working, as he is currently leaning against his car and chatting up two lovely Dutch tourists who seem to be totally buying this סיפור משוגע.

This is crap. It’s like he is just making up sentences using random words like “facepainting, dreadlocks, swing-set, amazing DJ from Luxembourg, sunrise, shaman, hydrating, sense of community, moccasins, and unicycle.” And once again, the biggest insult is that it appears to be working. Not only are the beautiful Dutch guests impressed, but a hand-painted VW van just drove by, honked, and gave him the thumbs up.

Well played, fake Midburner. Well played.

(DISCLAIMER: We just found this car while walking around and made it part of our story. If this is your car, we meant no harm. And for 50 Shekels plus a beer, we will wash it for you.)

 

 

Tel Aviv woman intrigued by all the hot, polite guys in town this week

 

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 6/4/2017 at 5:15 PM

Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: OMG did you see that guy? I mean even though he isn’t wearing much clothes, what he IS wearing actually matches and wasn’t found on a Tel Aviv park bench. And he’s in A-MA-ZING shape too! Then again,  so are a lot of guys here.

But wait, you’ve sat next to him now for 15 minutes and he’s being so NICE to you. And not a “let me buy you chasers and try to bang you” nice but actually, like, NICE. Come to think of it, it’s been almost a half hour now and he hasn’t even made a move on you. What a breath of fresh air! Normally, a Tel Aviv guy would have already tried to go up your shirt and/or invite you to his cousin’s wedding in Holon next week.

Wait, they’re playing great music now and he wants to dance! OMG pinch me! Not really a Cher fan, but this song is pretty good! And this guy has some amazing moves. Really feeling the vibe between you two right now. OMG do you think he’s going to try to kiss me on the dance floor? I mean, like, as soon as he finishes dancing by himself in the corner.

OK so he didn’t try anything on the dance floor. But that’s totally cool. Again, it’s nice to be with a guy who takes it slow. Wait, his friends from out-of-town just showed up at the bar. And they are all really cute! And not afraid to take risks with fashion! I mean, I don’t think his Canadian friend Steve is even wearing pants. Also, it seems these guys have been friends for a long time. Because they are acting really…. close. But that’s great. Just feeling really relaxed and safe with these guys.

So now the club’s lights are on and everyone is going home. Wonder when he’s going to pull a move on me. Wait, where is he? And where is his friend Danny? I just saw them, where did they go? Maybe he forgot his hat. OK, I will just wait for him outside.

So it’s been three hours now. What the hell?

Scientists baffled as Tel Aviv now 100% covered in spliff smoke, but “everybody’s out of weed”

Daily Freier Tel Aviv IsraelBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/2/2017 at 11:20 AM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: Israel’s greatest scientific minds are stumped by a strange and disturbing anomaly of the Natural World: the complete and total coverage of the city of Tel Aviv in a haze of smoke from cannabis/tobacco spliffs, despite the fact that everybody in town is “totally out of weed.” The Daily Freier decided to turn to our science advisors, Gideon and Alex from the Technion, for an expert analysis.

What we are looking at is a possibly limitless source of renewable energy.” explained Alex. “If the matter in question, i.e. loosely rolled cigarettes containing a mix of tobacco and cannabis, can simply exist outside of the realm of matter being created or destroyed, then we may be on the cusp of something amazing. It would be like discovering a perpetual motion machine. Only cooler.”

Gideon agreed with Alex, but with an interesting theological twist. “One can be committed to science and reason, yet also believe that our Universe was created with Intelligent Design. Specifically, the concept that spliffs continue to materialize in Tel Aviv despite the universal absence of cannabis begs the question: Is this a modern miracle in the same venue as the miraculous Chanukah oil that lasted 8 Days? Like, Nes Gadol Haya Po?” Gideon was quick to mention that this theory is not confined to the Jewish Community. “I was just speaking to a priest in Jerusalem, and he likened the current state of affairs in Tel Aviv to the Wedding Feast of Cana where Christians believe that Jesus turned water into wine…. Except this must be bamba into cannabis. Or something like that.

When the Daily Freier pressed the scientists for a possible alternate theory, they insisted that their hypothesis would stand up to peer review. “Our data is sound. Something incredible is happening in Tel Aviv….. either that or everyone is just full of crap and secretly hoarding their weed stashes for themselves.

Newest Instagram Craze? “Hot Israelis cutting you in line”

Hot Israelis cutting you in Line Daily Freier 1

(Photo Credit: Lee Saunders)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 4/19/2017 at 3:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Geula: After the success of “Hotdudesandhummus“, the various “Hot Israeli Army girls“, and “Hot Israeli guys” pages, Israel and the entire Jewish World are going crazy for the newest Instagram phenomenon: “Hot Israelis cutting you in Line“.  The Daily Freier walked the streets to find out just what the buzz is all about.

As we walked past Geula Street, we immediately saw an opportunity to submit a photo of our own, as a rather dapper guy (named “Guy”) was busy sidling himself toward the front of a long line “because I just have a question“. And the reaction to Guy’s chutzpadik ranged the spectrum. At the back of the line, Neve Tzedek artist Dalit was not happy at all. “Who does this man think he is? He is acting like he owns the place……It’s as if he thinks that having amazing facial hair gives some sort of privilege.

Hot Israelis cutting you in line Daily FreierOn the other hand, alert local Ronit S., whom Guy eased past in line on totally false pretenses, was rather smitten. “The way he just walked parallel to the line pretending to talk to the stranger in front of me before easing in the line between us. This guy is an expert line-cutter.” Ronit noted as she twirled her hair and looked at the line’s latest intruder. “Also he seems kind of familiar. I think we might have umm…. nifgashnu… in the Army.

With the success of  “Hot Israelis cutting you in Line“, the developers plan to roll out several other pages for the Summer season, including “Hot Israelis hitting you in the head with a speeding matkot ball“, “Hot Israelis parking their cars on your sidewalk“, and “Hot Israelis almost knocking you over with their electric bicycles“.