Category: John Forbes Kerry

In Honor of His Great Diplomatic Breakthrough with Iran, Daily Freier Renames Itself “The Daily Kerry”

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(Photo Credit: AP)

By The Daily FreierKERRY Staff

Last Updated 4/5/2015 at 10:46 AM

Lausanne: On the heels of the Secretary of State’s historic breakthrough in talks with the Iranians, the Daily Freier has decided to change its name to “The Daily Kerry”.  Editor in Chief Aharon Ben Yekutiel explained the Board’s decision: “After this amazing event, the world should know that when you think of ‘The Freier’, you should think of Mr. Kerry.  We are but a tiny newsblog, so it is an honor that ‘Freier’ and ‘Kerry’ become synonymous.” At first, the Editorial Board admits that it had doubts about the talks.  According to Middle East Correspondent Harun Hakimoğlu, “To be truthful, we were skepical that anything could really be accomplished by a man who once lost a Presidential election to a guy who did not have a complete command of the English language and who once fell off a Segway.  But he really went the extra mile to ensure that we have Peace in Our Time.”  Harun continued; “We were really concerned that the talks would break down over President Obama’s previous insistence that the Iranian military facility in Natanz be closed, and by the President’s insistence on the dismantling of the centrifuges.  But fortunately, that position proved to be in the same category as the Red Line against Syrian chemical weapons, ‘If you like your doctor you can keep him’, and #Bringbackourgirls.  So there was some, you know, flexibility.”  The Editorial Staff even presented the new name change to Secretary of State Kerry for his approval.  According to State Department Spokeswoman Marie Harf, Mr. Kerry actually voted for the new name before he voted against it.

Kerry Swings Support behind Hamas After Group Accuses Israel and Egypt of “Swiftboating”

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By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/21/2014 at 9:30 PM

Cairo- At today’s peace talks, in a stunning turnaround reversing 30 years of US policy, Secretary of State John Kerry sided with Hamas at the expense of longtime allies Egypt and Israel after Hamas informed Kerry that Egypt and Israel’s actions amounted to “swiftboating”.  According to well placed sources, the Hamas delegate said “Mister Kerry, our treatment at the hands of Israel and Egypt is similar to your treatment by those jealous and spiteful former Naval Officers during the 2004 Presidential Campaign.”, as a captivated Kerry nodded sympathetically. Egypt’s delegate to the talks, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated “I got to hand it to Hamas.  We got played. Straight. Up. Played.  At one point, the Hamas delegate asked Kerry how he kept in such great shape and insisted that he looked far too young to be a Secretary of State.  We just couldn’t keep up with their full court diplomatic press.”  When asked to explain this debacle, a frustrated Israeli rep noted “I dunno, I guess I knew we were in trouble when Hamas told Kerry that the Palestinians invented windsfurfing”.