(SPOILER ALERT: This is actually a thing.)
Oh hi there! So happy you could make it! Hey, what did you think of our mock Israeli checkpoint at the front door? Scary, huh? I mean, as if a Palestinian would ever disrupt a Passover Seder in real life, right???
Excuse me, did you say that Passover celebrates the Jewish people’s flight from Egypt to Israel? OMG. Sorry, but I’m a little #Triggered by what you just said. Because it’s actually a stand against Colonialism and Islamophobia. No, really. It’s in our Haggadah.
Hey don’t sit there! That seat’s taken! What did you say? For the Prophet Elijah??? Oh don’t be silly. It’s for Rasmea Odeh!
So now it’s time that we wash our hands of the whole Farrakhan misundersta……wait, sorry. We’re just “washing our hands” washing our hands. With water. My bad.
Now it’s time for the Plagues. Go ahead and dip your finger in the wine (Don’t worry, it’s not from “Israel”!).
3) Gal Gadot’s popularity!
4) The cultural appropriation of Palestinian hummus!
5) Israel cancelled our flight to Ben Gurion!
6) Free Ahed Tamimi!
7) Has anyone mentioned Trump yet?
8) [Insert Linda Sarsour’s latest Tweet here]
9) They’re moving the Embassy to Occupied Jerusalem!
10) I mean, Tel Aviv is also Occupied, but still.
Hey, you found the Afikomen! Guess What? We just made a $20 contribution to Marwan Barghouti’s commissary fund in your name!
Well that was some Seder, huh? Thanks for coming! Next year in Al-Quds!
(This story was first published on Israellycool in 2018)