Wuddup Allies! Once again, Linda is here breaking it all down for you! So today we’re standing up to the Haters! Hey, did you see yesterday’s article in the Tablet? The article that said that me and Tamika Mallory hijacked the Women’s March? And that at the very first Women’s March planning meeting we shared what we learned from the Farrakhan Book-of-the-Month Club: you know, that Jews ran the slave trade? Not a bad ice breaker, right
Wuddup Allies! Who else is ready for Hanukkah? Great food! Games for the kids! Oh, and the part where you think it’s about Jews 2000 years ago fighting for a sovereign Jewish nation in “Israel”? Well that’s your White Privilege talking, know what I’m saying? So let me break it down for you. This Hanukkah I’m going to straight up gaslight you for 8 Crazy Days and 8 Crazy Nights! I already talked to the folks over at the Forward and They. Can’t. Wait! This week is going to be off the hook. Anyways, let’s get started.
Oy vey ist mir! Great to see you! So did you know my last name comes from the Hebrew word “Shomer”? It means guardian! So I’m a guardian of the Jewish people! I hardly ever tell this story, except at every single Jewish event that I’ve attended for the last 40 years. Oy gevalt!
So how’s my Yiddish schtick? Straight out of the Catskills circa 1958, right? You know, it gives me great naches! And it lets me pretend that I’m still the leader of a political party that hasn’t completely thrown Israel under the bus! LOL! Meshugeneh! So what’s my secret? It’s these magic glasses I wear! Let me explain….
(SPOILER ALERT: This is actually a thing.)
Oh hi there! So happy you could make it! Hey, what did you think of our mock Israeli checkpoint at the front door? Scary, huh? I mean, as if a Palestinian would ever disrupt a Passover Seder in real life, right???
Excuse me, did you say that Passover celebrates the Jewish people’s flight from Egypt to Israel? OMG. Sorry, but I’m a little #Triggered by what you just said. Because it’s actually a stand against Colonialism and Islamophobia. No, really. It’s in our Haggadah.
Hey don’t sit there! That seat’s taken! What did you say? For the Prophet Elijah??? Oh don’t be silly. It’s for Rasmea Odeh!
As a Progressive Jew, Am I Okay with Farrakhan’s speeches where he says that Jews are “Satanic”? Can we change the subject? Because to be honest, I would rather talk about something that doesn’t challenge my worldview. How about right-wing antisemitism? Wouldn’t you rather talk about right-wing antisemitism? That’s much more interesting than Linda Sarsour and Tamika Mallory defending Farrakhan.
Hey there #Woke People! Linda Sarsour and Tamika Mallory here and we are about to drop some knowledge on you! So have a seat and grab a coffee: it’s about to get Intersectional up in here! First off, we are about tired of certain folks out there saying we have a beef with Jews. That is just a Big Lie being pushed by a bunch of Likudniks drinking the Haterade! The real deal? We oppose Israel’s unjust and illegi…… OMG OMG! Is that Louis Farrakhan??? Giant FanGirl moment, know what I’m saying? Do you think we can get a selfie with the Minister? I mean, like, another one.