Tag: Ahed Tamimi

Our "Cousins" September 6, 2023

Next Week’s Palestinian Hunger Strike is Sponsored by Tortit Chocolates!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6 September 2023 at 3:30 PM

Ramallah: With tensions rising throughout the region, Palestinian media stated today that their prisoners in Israeli jails plan a Hunger Strike starting next week. “The Palestinian freedom fighters incarcerated in Israel for their resistance to the occupation to start a hunger strike on September 14 in protest of repressive decisions against them.” reported the WAFA News Agency, which is apparently the Palestinian version of the Daily Freier (Ha Ha, Just kidding! The REAL Palestinian version of the Daily Freier is called the Daily Majnoon, and they still think we Occupied their Bandwidth.)

In related news, Tortit Chocolates is the Proud Sponsor of next week’s Hunger Strike! Tortit Chocolates rose to prominence thanks to Palestinian prisoner Marwan Barghouti, the phoniest Barghouti who does not have a PhD from Tel Aviv University. In addition to being a convicted terrorist, Mr. Barghouti is also a connoisseur of Tortit’s line of tasty yet affordable chocolate snacks. Back in 2017, Barghouti himself went on a Hunger Strike, but with snacks. He was caught on camera enjoying a delicious Tortit chocolate bar, but you can’t really trust the Right Wing Media that reported this, such as, umm, Haaretz.

In an act of Defiant Solidarity, former Palestinian prisoner/”Freshman 15″ Victim Ahed Tamimi proudly informed the Daily Freier that she too will go on a Hunger Strike, but then she asked us if we were going to finish our pizza.

Israellycool October 10, 2018

Ahed Tamimi Wakes Up From Nightmare Where She Was in an Arab Jail

Judea & Samaria– Everyone’s favorite soldier-slapping Woke Poster Girl has a lot on her mind lately. You see, Ahed Tamimi has had a recurring series of very disturbing dreams this week. Instead of doing time for slapping an Israeli soldier, Ahed dreams that she slapped a soldier of an Arab nation…..and the Arab nation reacts by…..well, let’s just say she doesn’t get a free Mercedes in any of these dreams. The Daily Freier skyped with Ahed and she spilled some serious tea.

“So yeah, I keep having these really creepy dreams.” explained Ahed as she absent-mindedly texted with Al Jazeera. “I slap a soldier that I think is Israeli, but when he turns around, I realize that he’s a soldier from a Brotherly Arab Nation in Eternal Solidarity with the Palestinian People. And yeah, he kicks the shit out of me and sends me to prison.”

(The Freier is on Israellycool today. Go check us out!)

Abu Mazen, BDS August 3, 2018August 3, 2018

Abu Mazen in tears: Palestine is gone “because Ahed Tamimi ate it”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/3/2018 at 6:45 PM

Ramallah: Shock & sorrow permeate this West Bank city after residents learned that spoiled actress who would never dare pull her stunts on an Arab police force political prisoner Ahed Tamimi had eaten “Palestine” during her stay in an Israeli jail. Ms. Tamimi, who gained fame punching Israeli soldiers on film, had apparently eaten the geographic entity known as “Palestine” in between her second and third helpings of baba ganoush some time in late June.

Palestinian Authority President shared his sorrow. “Never in the 14 years of my 4 year term of office have I felt such shame and humiliation. This is Al-Naqba 2018.”

The UN wasted now time scolding Israel for the unfolding tragedy, passing a Motion in the General Assembly by a vote of 147-2 (The United Kingdom abstained) admonishing Israel for giving Ahed “The Freshman 15”.

Meanwhile, Bree Skyfire-Williams, co-captain of the latest Flotilla to Gaza, was somewhat philosophical about the turn of events. “I guess this means she won’t need the emergency hummus and pita that we put in our cargo hold for her.“

UPDATE: Ms. Tamimi apparently is now launching a Book Tour in support of her memoir of imprisonment: “The Zionists made me add extra Tahina to my falafel“.

BDS, Pesach March 25, 2018April 20, 2019

Jewish Voice for Peace presents: Woke Seder 2018

(SPOILER ALERT: This is actually a thing.)

Oh hi there! So happy you could make it! Hey, what did you think of our mock Israeli checkpoint at the front door? Scary, huh? I mean, as if a Palestinian would ever disrupt a Passover Seder in real life, right???

Excuse me, did you say that Passover celebrates the Jewish people’s flight from Egypt to Israel? OMG. Sorry, but I’m a little #Triggered by what you just said. Because it’s actually a stand against Colonialism and Islamophobia. No, really. It’s in our Haggadah.

Hey don’t sit there! That seat’s taken! What did you say? For the Prophet Elijah??? Oh don’t be silly. It’s for Rasmea Odeh!

So now it’s time that we wash our hands of the whole Farrakhan misundersta……wait, sorry. We’re just “washing our hands” washing our hands. With water. My bad.

Now it’s time for the Plagues. Go ahead and dip your finger in the wine (Don’t worry, it’s not from “Israel”!).

1) Micro-Aggressions!

2) Trump!

3) Gal Gadot’s popularity!

4) The cultural appropriation of Palestinian hummus!

5) Israel cancelled our flight to Ben Gurion!

6) Free Ahed Tamimi!

7) Has anyone mentioned Trump yet?

8) [Insert Linda Sarsour’s latest Tweet here]

9) They’re moving the Embassy to Occupied Jerusalem!

10) I mean, Tel Aviv is also Occupied, but still.

Hey, you found the Afikomen! Guess What? We just made a $20 contribution to Marwan Barghouti’s commissary fund in your name!