Ithaca: Ariel Gold is not afraid to take a stand. As a member of Code Pink she has stood against American Foreign Policy on topics such as Iran and Saudi Arabia. She is a noted critic of Israel and has clashed frequently online with Israeli advocates. Yet today Ariel is taking on her most dangerous opponent yet: Standard Written English.
For quite a while, Ms. Gold’s tweets have suffered from a certain lack of proofreading, such as this one and this one. It got so difficult to track what she was saying that we developed an app to make things easier for everyone. Now Ariel has laid down the gauntlet and declared war on proper spelling, grammar, syntax and other tools of World Zionism. We caught up with Ms. Gold as she prepared to picket her local food co-op.
“The spellcheck function is just there to police my words. What is this, ‘A Handmaid’s Tale?’ Helllooo! We say No to Spellcheck, No to Grammarly, No to Proofreading! From the River to the Sea!” The Daily Freier could have sworn that the pink bullhorn in Ariel’s hand was not there at the beginning of this conversation, but we sort of just let it go.
The Daily Freier challenged Ms. Gold that maybe people would take her political positions more seriously if she performed basic due diligence on her tweets, but she was adamant. “Seriously? Did Hen put you up to this?The only thing to check is your Privilege!”
As Ariel left for her protest, we extended our sincere appreciation for her tireless work against the malicious stereotype that all Jews are clever.
Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has done it again, releasing an exciting App this week to great fanfare. ‘That’s Gold!’ is an application for Iphone and Android users that alerts you whenever noted BDS supporter/Deep Thinker Ariel Gold says or does something ridiculous. The Daily Freier wandered down to that WeWork office near Rothschild (no not that one, the other one) in order to meet the creators of this amazing application.
“With our ‘That’s Gold!‘ app, we provide our customer with a one-stop shop to stay up to date on the latest dumb shit that Ariel came up with.” explained lead engineer Pinchas G. “Our state of the art algorithm pulls data from Ariel’s Twitter feed, Code Pink press releases, and the comments section for Hen Mazzig’s pet rabbit’s Instagram page.” Pinchas feverishly typed a line of code on his Macintosh and continued. “The 2.0 version even has a feature that notifies you whenever she uses a Yiddish phrase incorrectly.”
Well if you think this App is selling like latkes in December, you are correct. The Daily Freier ran into a number of happy customers on Rothschild Boulevard.
“OMG This is A-Ma-Zing!” extolled Arielle (NOT Ariel) C. “This gives me something to do whenever the Daily Freier is going through Writer’s Block.”
Unfortunately, not all of the feedback was positive. The Daily Freier stumbled upon Alert Local Ronit S. as she desperately tried to silence her beeping Iphone at the coffee kiosk on the corner of Allenby. “Ariel just got into a one-way argument with Jason Greenblatt and now my phone won’t shut off…..thanks a lot.”
The Daily Freier looks forward to Ms. Gold’s inevitable response to this story, because it would no doubt trigger this app, thereby becoming the most Meta thing like ever.
Tel Aviv: The District Court of Tel Aviv has dismissed the lawsuit brought against El Al Airlines by Hatari, Iceland’s Eurovision Entry. You see, Hatari, a band of woke rich kids committed in their own special way to social justice, decided to wave the Palestinian flag because they couldn’t find Narnia’s flag during a live Eurovision broadcast. And Israelis, being Israelis, decided to throw some serious shade, culminating in El Al allegedly giving the band purposely poor seats and service on their flight home. Hatari then responded by filing a lawsuit, which was subsequently tossed out today. You see, El Al has this tiny, and let us just stress VERY UNDESERVED reputation for…. you may want to sit down for this….. poor customer service. We know… crazy, right? (Editor’s Note: Just to be fair, we called El Al’s Toll Free Number about this rumor, but the woman yelled at us and then hung up.) So the Court resolved that there was in fact no data set of “good El Al Customer Service” with which to compare Hatari’s accusation of crappy service. The Daily Freier walked down to the courthouse to get all the facts.
We spoke to Tamar C., a bailiff at the courthouse, who read from the Court’s decision. “It is the Court’s opinion that the Band Hatari, henceforth to be referred to as ‘the plaintiff’, did not adequately prove they were purposely and maliciously served poor food, because none of us in the Courthouse can remember receiving ‘a good meal’ from El Al…. not even Sarit from the cleaning staff, and her brother works in El Al’s catering office.”
When the Daily Freier noted that the plaintiff had accused El Al of purposely placing them near extra-rude passengers, Tamar continued: “It is the Court’s opinion that the ‘very rude’ Israeli passengers the plaintiff was seated next to would not even make the tryouts for Israel’s ‘Bad Travelers’ All-Star Team.”
Ramallah: Shock & sorrow permeate this West Bank city after residents learned that spoiled actress who would never dare pull her stunts on an Arab police force political prisoner Ahed Tamimi had eaten “Palestine” during her stay in an Israeli jail. Ms. Tamimi, who gained fame punching Israeli soldiers on film, had apparently eaten the geographic entity known as “Palestine” in between her second and third helpings of baba ganoush some time in late June.
The UN wasted now time scolding Israel for the unfolding tragedy, passing a Motion in the General Assembly by a vote of 147-2 (The United Kingdom abstained) admonishing Israel for giving Ahed “The Freshman 15”.
Meanwhile, Bree Skyfire-Williams, co-captain of the latest Flotilla to Gaza, was somewhat philosophical about the turn of events. “I guess this means she won’t need the emergency hummus and pita that we put in our cargo hold for her.“
UPDATE: Ms. Tamimi apparently is now launching a Book Tour in support of her memoir of imprisonment: “The Zionists made me add extra Tahina to my falafel“.
Excuse me, did you say that Passover celebrates the Jewish people’s flight from Egypt to Israel? OMG. Sorry, but I’m a little #Triggered by what you just said. Because it’s actually a stand against Colonialism and Islamophobia. No, really. It’s in our Haggadah.
Hey don’t sit there! That seat’s taken! What did you say? For the Prophet Elijah??? Oh don’t be silly. It’s for Rasmea Odeh!
So now it’s time that we wash our hands of the whole Farrakhan misundersta……wait, sorry. We’re just “washing our hands” washing our hands. With water. My bad.
Now it’s time for the Plagues. Go ahead and dip your finger in the wine (Don’t worry, it’s not from “Israel”!).
3) Gal Gadot’s popularity!
4) The cultural appropriation of Palestinian hummus!
…. Well you are simply taking away my voice as a Woman of Color and a Muslim in Donald Trump’s Amerika. And why are you even screenshotting my old tweets anyway? Is it because I speak Truth to Power? Like the time I told the CIA to “Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself”?
Yeah, I said it. Doesn’t give you the right to remind people about it though. You see, I’ve gone mainstream. Like “Hanging with Bernie Sanders” Mainstream. Like “Leading the #Resistance” Mainstream. Like “Promoted by Comedy Central” Mainstream. Is this real enough for you yet?
SCENE: a Budapest Jail, 1944. A female prisoner sits on her cot. Suddenly, a woman in a salmon pink blazer and magenta hijab materializes, Star Trek style.
Woman: Are you Hannah Szenes the Zionist?
Prisoner (with weary sarcasm): You can just call me Hannah. But yes. Yes I am.
Woman: Well my name is Linda Sarsour. And I have traveled from the future to inform you that you are not a feminist.
Hannah: Oh hey Linda. Of course, of course. I follow you on Twitter. And I guess you have a point. I mean, I only parachuted behind enemy lines to fight the Nazis.
Linda: By the way, did you know that Saudi Arabia offers 10 weeks maternity leave? Pretty good huh?
Hannah: Hey that’s great, but the Gestapo just said I’m going to be shot tomorrow at dawn because I won’t snitch. So, like not that relevant, know what I’m saying?
Linda: Whatever. I just came here to speak truth to power.
Hannah: Look, I appreciate that you stopped by. I really do. You’re the first visitor in weeks who didn’t click his heels like Ralph Fiennes in Schindler’s List. But did you bring anything to help? A nail file? I could saw my way out. Maybe a hair pin? I could stab the guard tomorrow.
Linda: Sorry, but this whole war is a bit too intersectional for me.
Hannah: I hear you. Listen, I’m going to try and sharpen my toothbrush into a shank now.
Linda: I need to leave this construct of weaponized whiteness.
Hannah: Great; thanks for stopping by. Oh and give Mufti Al-Husseini my regards.
Linda: You’re such a racist.
Hannah: Don’t let the steel door hit your tuchus on the way out.
(Linda dematerializes, Star Trek style. Fade to Black.)
Ramallah: The satire community of the Levant is in a state of chaos today as a prominent Palestinian blog made very serious accusations against the Daily Freier. The Daily Majnoon is a satirical site out of Ramallah that pokes gentle fun at the big things and little things in life. Famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters sometimes guest writes for them. Hanin Zoabi also writes a weekly column when she is not out sailing. The Daily Majnoon also serves as a sign of a thriving Palestinian civil society, for just as the Daily Freier feels free to mock Israeli leaders like Netanyahu, the Daily Majnoon also feels free to mock Israeli leaders like Netanyahu. Only in Arabic and stuff. The Daily Majnoon held a press conference in Ramallah this morning where they described this whole Naqba of a controversy.
The Daily Majnoon’s Web Administrator, Yusuf B., who goes by the username “Stillnotover1948“, explained their plight to the assembled journalists. “We are indigenous to this bandwidth, and have operated this website for thousands of years. And as proof I present to you these underwear labels, a set of keys to a file cabinet, and a menu from a hummus restaurant in Umm El Fahm.”
A journalist from the New York Times asked Yusuf if he would accept a deal where the Daily Freier gave up part of its bandwidth to the Daily Majnoon. Yusuf said he would accept such a deal, but would still retain the right of return to direct web traffic from the Daily Freier to the Daily Majnoon.
Reaction to the accusation was swift, with Haaretz writing a scathing editorial accusing the Daily Freier of Land bandwidth theft, cultural appropriation, ethnocentrism, and mansplaining. The editorial was read by thousands of people in Haaretz’s worldwide English edition, and as many as 27 people in its Israeli Hebrew edition.
In the spirit of compromise and good faith, the Daily Freier offered to help the Daily Majnoon find a suitable workspace where they could truly expand their operations. In Atarim Square.
London: The Daily Freier joins the Staff of Israellycool in mourning one Big Naqba of a Breakup: The end of the Roger Waters-Rula Jebreal Couplehood. The BDS power couple, who seemed to have more sexual chemistry than Yassar Arafat and his bodyguards back in the ’70’s that special spark, called it quits. Rula apparently spent the morning returning all of the gifts Roger had given her, to include 3 keffiyehs, some really good hummus from Jericho, and a sturdy shovel.