Tag: BDS Fail

New App alerts you whenever Ariel Gold says something stupid

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/10/2019 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has done it again, releasing an exciting App this week to great fanfare. ‘That’s Gold!’ is an application for Iphone and Android users that alerts you whenever noted BDS supporter/Deep Thinker Ariel Gold says or does something ridiculous. The Daily Freier wandered down to that WeWork office near Rothschild (no not that one, the other one) in order to meet the creators of this amazing application.

With our ‘That’s Gold!‘ app, we provide our customer with a one-stop shop to stay up to date on the latest dumb shit that Ariel came up with.” explained lead engineer Pinchas G. “Our state of the art algorithm pulls data from Ariel’s Twitter feed, Code Pink press releases, and the comments section for Hen Mazzig’s pet rabbit’s Instagram page.” Pinchas feverishly typed a line of code on his Macintosh and continued. “The 2.0 version even has a feature that notifies you whenever she uses a Yiddish phrase incorrectly.

Well if you think this App is selling like latkes in December, you are correct. The Daily Freier ran into a number of happy customers on Rothschild Boulevard.

OMG This is A-Ma-Zing!” extolled Arielle (NOT Ariel) C. “This gives me something to do whenever the Daily Freier is going through Writer’s Block.

Changed my life!” enthused David S. “I really like the feature that alerts me whenever she takes a selfie with Neteurei Karta.

Unfortunately, not all of the feedback was positive. The Daily Freier stumbled upon Alert Local Ronit S. as she desperately tried to silence her beeping Iphone at the coffee kiosk on the corner of Allenby. “Ariel just got into a one-way argument with Jason Greenblatt and now my phone won’t shut off…..thanks a lot.”

The Daily Freier looks forward to Ms. Gold’s inevitable response to this story, because it would no doubt trigger this app, thereby becoming the most Meta thing like ever.


p.s. Yes, we wrote a similar story about Margot Wallstrom back in 2015.

p.p.s. With Margot retiring, we saw a chance to reuse a theme.

p.p.p.s. At least someone around here is bothering to recycle. What, do you hate the Planet or something?

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Iceland’s Eurovision Band loses “Bad El Al service” case after Court finds no history of good El Al service

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/27/2019 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv: The District Court of Tel Aviv has dismissed the lawsuit brought against El Al Airlines by Hatari, Iceland’s Eurovision Entry. You see, Hatari, a band  of woke rich kids committed in their own special way to social justice, decided to wave the Palestinian flag because they couldn’t find Narnia’s flag during a live Eurovision broadcast. And Israelis, being Israelis, decided to throw some serious shade, culminating in El Al allegedly giving the band purposely poor seats and service on their flight home. Hatari then responded by filing a lawsuit, which was subsequently tossed out today. You see, El Al has this tiny, and let us just stress VERY UNDESERVED reputation for…. you may want to sit down for this….. poor customer service. We know… crazy, right? (Editor’s Note: Just to be fair, we called El Al’s Toll Free Number about this rumor, but the woman yelled at us and then hung up.) So the Court resolved that there was in fact no data set of “good El Al Customer Service” with which to compare Hatari’s accusation of crappy service. The Daily Freier walked down to the courthouse to get all the facts.

We spoke to Tamar C., a bailiff at the courthouse, who read from the Court’s decision. “It is the Court’s opinion that the Band Hatari, henceforth to be referred to as ‘the plaintiff’, did not adequately prove they were purposely and maliciously served poor food, because none of us in the Courthouse can remember receiving ‘a good meal’ from El Al…. not even Sarit from the cleaning staff, and her brother works in El Al’s catering office.

When the Daily Freier noted that the plaintiff had accused El Al of purposely placing them near extra-rude passengers, Tamar continued: “It is the Court’s opinion that the ‘very rude’ Israeli passengers the plaintiff was seated next to would not even make the tryouts for Israel’s ‘Bad Travelers’ All-Star Team.

Tamar continued: “In addition, The Court finds that the plaintiff’s accusation of ‘targeted harassment’ from Ben Gurion Airport personnel was simply the established protocol after the band went through a Security Checkpoint and set off the Sanctimony Detector, also known as the Beinartometer.

The Daily Freier hopes that the current crisis does not harm the very vital Israeli-Icelandic relationship.

 

Abu Mazen in tears: Palestine is gone “because Ahed Tamimi ate it”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/3/2018 at 6:45 PM

Ramallah: Shock & sorrow permeate this West Bank city after residents learned that spoiled actress who would never dare pull her stunts on an Arab police force political prisoner Ahed Tamimi had eaten “Palestine” during her stay in an Israeli jail. Ms. Tamimi, who gained fame punching Israeli soldiers on film, had apparently eaten the geographic entity known as “Palestine” in between her second and third helpings of baba ganoush some time in late June.

Palestinian Authority President shared his sorrow. “Never in the 14 years of my 4 year term of office have I felt such shame and humiliation. This is Al-Naqba 2018.”

The UN wasted now time scolding Israel for the unfolding tragedy, passing a Motion in the General Assembly by a vote of 147-2 (The United Kingdom abstained) admonishing Israel for giving Ahed “The Freshman 15”.

Meanwhile, Bree Skyfire-Williams, co-captain of the latest Flotilla to Gaza, was somewhat philosophical about the turn of events. “I guess this means she won’t need the emergency hummus and pita that we put in our cargo hold for her.

UPDATE: Ms. Tamimi apparently is now launching a Book Tour in support of her memoir of imprisonment: “The Zionists made me add extra Tahina to my falafel“.

Jewish Voice for Peace presents: Woke Seder 2018

(SPOILER ALERT: This is actually a thing.)

Oh hi there! So happy you could make it! Hey, what did you think of our mock Israeli checkpoint at the front door? Scary, huh? I mean, as if a Palestinian would ever disrupt a Passover Seder in real life, right???

Excuse me, did you say that Passover celebrates the Jewish people’s flight from Egypt to Israel? OMG. Sorry, but I’m a little #Triggered by what you just said. Because it’s actually a stand against Colonialism and Islamophobia. No, really. It’s in our Haggadah.

Hey don’t sit there! That seat’s taken! What did you say? For the Prophet Elijah??? Oh don’t be silly. It’s for Rasmea Odeh!

So now it’s time that we wash our hands of the whole Farrakhan misundersta……wait, sorry. We’re just “washing our hands” washing our hands. With water. My bad.

Now it’s time for the Plagues. Go ahead and dip your finger in the wine (Don’t worry, it’s not from “Israel”!).


1) Micro-Aggressions!

2) Trump!

3) Gal Gadot’s popularity!

4) The cultural appropriation of Palestinian hummus!

5) Israel cancelled our flight to Ben Gurion!

6) Free Ahed Tamimi!

7) Has anyone mentioned Trump yet?

8) [Insert Linda Sarsour’s latest Tweet here]

9) They’re moving the Embassy to Occupied Jerusalem!

10) I mean, Tel Aviv is also Occupied, but still.


Hey, you found the Afikomen! Guess What? We just made a $20 contribution to Marwan Barghouti’s commissary fund in your name!

Well that was some Seder, huh? Thanks for coming! Next year in Al-Quds!

(This story was first published on Israellycool in 2018)

Screenshotting My Old Tweets is Racist, by Linda Sarsour

Linda Sarsour Israellycool Ayaan Hirsi Ali Daily Freier

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So can we get one thing straight? Screenshotting my old tweets is basically a hate crime. Worse than the NYPD. Worse than Netanyahu. I mean, it’s even worse than the NFL not giving Colin Kapaernik a job. Yes. It’s THAT BAD. Because when you screenshot a tweet like this one….

Dual-Loyalty-Linda-Sarsour-Israellycool

…. Well you are simply taking away my voice as a Woman of Color and a Muslim in Donald Trump’s Amerika. And why are you even screenshotting my old tweets anyway? Is it because I speak Truth to Power? Like the time I told the CIA to “Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself”?

Underwear-Bomber-Linda-Sarsour-Israellycool

Yeah, I called it. But still no props. Plus, why you gotta bring up old business anyway? Why you gotta go back in time and dredge up the past? I mean, that’s just straight up creepy. Creepier than Zionism….

Zionism-Linda-Sarsour-Israellycool

Yeah, I said it. Doesn’t give you the right to remind people about it though. You see, I’ve gone mainstream. Like “Hanging with Bernie Sanders” Mainstream. Like “Leading the #Resistance” Mainstream. Like “Promoted by Comedy Central” Mainstream. Is this real enough for you yet?

So that’s it for now, peeps. Don’t forget to catch me November 28th at the Jacobin Institute when I will teach you what is and isn’t anti-Semitism.

#StayWoke,

Linda

Linda Sarsour: Time Traveler

SCENE: a Budapest Jail, 1944. A female prisoner sits on her cot. Suddenly, a woman in a salmon pink blazer and magenta hijab materializes, Star Trek style.

Woman: Are you Hannah Szenes the Zionist?

Prisoner (with weary sarcasm): You can just call me Hannah. But yes. Yes I am.

Woman: Well my name is Linda Sarsour. And I have traveled from the future to inform you that you are not a feminist.

Hannah: Oh hey Linda. Of course, of course. I follow you on Twitter.  And I guess you have a point. I mean, I only parachuted behind enemy lines to fight the Nazis.

Linda: By the way, did you know that Saudi Arabia offers 10 weeks maternity leave? Pretty good huh?

Hannah:  Hey that’s great, but the Gestapo just said I’m going to be shot tomorrow at dawn because I won’t snitch. So, like not that relevant, know what I’m saying?

Linda: Whatever. I just came here to speak truth to power.

Hannah: Look, I appreciate that you stopped by. I really do. You’re the first visitor in weeks who didn’t click his heels like Ralph Fiennes in Schindler’s List. But did you bring anything to help? A nail file? I could saw my way out. Maybe a hair pin? I could stab the guard tomorrow.

Linda: Sorry, but this whole war is a bit too intersectional for me.

Hannah: I hear you. Listen, I’m going to try and sharpen my toothbrush into a shank now.

Linda: I need to leave this construct of weaponized whiteness.

Hannah: Great; thanks for stopping by. Oh and give Mufti Al-Husseini my regards.

Linda: You’re such a racist.

Hannah: Don’t let the steel door hit your tuchus on the way out.

(Linda dematerializes, Star Trek style. Fade to Black.)

Palestinian satire site accuses Daily Freier of Occupying its Bandwidth

Al Naqba, BDS February 22, 2017 Palestinian satire site accuses Daily Freier of Occupying its Bandwidth

By Mark Levy and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/22/2017 at 3:30 PM

Ramallah: The satire community of the Levant is in a state of chaos today as a prominent Palestinian blog made very serious accusations against the Daily Freier. The Daily Majnoon is a satirical site out of Ramallah that pokes gentle fun at the big things and little things in life. Famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters sometimes guest writes for them.  Hanin Zoabi also writes a weekly column when she is not out sailing.  The Daily Majnoon also serves as a sign of a thriving Palestinian civil society, for just as the Daily Freier feels free to mock Israeli leaders like Netanyahu, the Daily Majnoon also feels free to mock Israeli leaders like Netanyahu. Only in Arabic and stuff. The Daily Majnoon held a press conference in Ramallah this morning where they described this whole Naqba of a controversy.

The Daily Majnoon’s Web Administrator, Yusuf B., who goes by the username “Stillnotover1948“, explained their plight to the assembled journalists.  “We are indigenous to this bandwidth, and have operated this website for thousands of years. And as proof I present to you these underwear labels, a set of keys to a file cabinet, and a menu from a hummus restaurant in Umm El Fahm.

A journalist from the New York Times asked Yusuf if he would accept a deal where the Daily Freier gave up part of its bandwidth to the Daily Majnoon. Yusuf said he would accept such a deal, but would still retain the right of return to direct web traffic from the Daily Freier to the Daily Majnoon.

Reaction to the accusation was swift, with Haaretz writing a scathing editorial accusing the Daily Freier of Land bandwidth theft, cultural appropriation, ethnocentrism, and mansplaining. The editorial was read by thousands of people in Haaretz’s worldwide English edition, and as many as 27 people in its Israeli Hebrew edition.

In the spirit of compromise and good faith, the Daily Freier offered to help the Daily Majnoon find a suitable workspace where they could truly expand their operations. In Atarim Square.

When the Lefty-But-Totally-Not-Bonkers Tel Aviv Blog “+972” heard of the Daily Majnoon’s plight, they offered to give the Daily Majnoon two-thirds of +972’s bandwidth.

Palestinian unilaterally disengages from British Man-Date

Daily Freier Roger Waters Isn't Just Screwing the Jews Now

London: The Daily Freier joins the Staff of Israellycool in mourning one Big Naqba of a Breakup: The end of the Roger Waters-Rula Jebreal Couplehood. The BDS power couple, who seemed to have more sexual chemistry than Yassar Arafat and his bodyguards back in the ’70’s  that special spark, called it quits.  Rula apparently spent the morning returning all of the gifts Roger had given her, to include 3 keffiyehs, some really good hummus from Jericho, and a sturdy shovel.

(The Daily Freier Appears on IsraellyCool Today. Go on over and Check Out the Whole Article!)

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In big Win for BDS, Omar Barghouti brings bag lunch to Tel Aviv University today

Loose Seal

Buster Bluth

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/6/2016 at 9:30 PM

Ramat Aviv: In what experts are calling a huge victory against Israel, Boycott/Divest/Sanctions (BDS) Founder/Qatari Exchange Student Omar Barghouti has decided today to avoid the eateries at Tel Aviv University and instead bring a bag lunch from home. In between trying to replace Israel with a Palestinian State, Mr. Barghouti has found time to matriculate at the Zionist Entity’s Tel Aviv University, where he is a PhD candidate in the Chutzpadik Department (Ha Ha! Just Kidding! But not really!).

Mr. Barghouti, who normally boycotts Israeli media because they have cooties,  spoke with the Daily Freier after we put on a Rage Against the Machine T-Shirt and a keffiyeh and tricked him into thinking we were just another goofy Tel Aviv leftist from +972.  Mr. Barghouti then explained his moral stand against Israel. “Today I refuse to eat at the campus McDonald’s. I refuse to go to the cafeteria in the Sports Center with the nice ready-made avocado sandwiches. Nor will I go to the Aroma with those cute little chocolates that they give away with every coffee. Nor will I go to that debauched beer cart with all of the degenerates in the middle of the Campus Quad. No, today I take a stand and bring a bag lunch from home consisting of Osem chips, and leftover Burger Ranch from last night. Thus are the sacrifices of a Campus Revolutionary like myself.

When the Daily Freier told Mr. Barghouti that it was a bit rich to derive benefit from a nation he sought to dismantle, he replied  “My studies at Tel-Aviv University are a personal matter and I have no interest in commenting.” (NOT SATIRE! HE REALLY REALLY SAID THIS!)

When the Daily Freier asked Mr. Barghouti if he might build on today’s success and continue the food boycott tomorrow, he looked at us with disdain. “And miss out on Taco Tuesday at the University Food Court??? No I don’t think so.

Sick of the Middle East Balagan, Israel considers ‘MExit’

Knesset MExit Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/1/2016 at 6:10 PM

Jerusalem: In a world of naff abbreviations, memes and soundbites, the Israeli Knesset this week debated a motion brought by rebel MKs on the benefits of an Israeli ‘MExit‘: an exit from the Middle East.

Seeing how all the talk of a ‘Brexit‘ (British Exit) in Europe has engaged an apathetic British public from its political slumber and scared the bejesus heck out of the European Union, the Israeli PM agreed to the debate, which raged well into Friday night. Drunken new Defense Minister Avigdor ‘the Tom Jones of Odessa’ Lieberman cried into his vodka: “I don’t want to move but at least we would not have to find a lousy Eurovision entry. It’s humiliating. Like Arafat in a thong.

One of the more sensible suggestions was to charter 2,300 El Al flights, 43,000 kosher meals and take Israeli citizens on a junket to northern Thailand – where most seem to spend their post-army travels and run travel agencies.

Another suggestion was to fit all of the Holy Land inside two streets in a Shanghai suburb, which raised the prospect of Tel Avivians enjoying Chinese food that was actually good.

A third and more challenging option, was to transfer the Jewish people to Mars. Whilst this idea drew widespread support in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, and among the BDS movement, there was also a great deal of support WITHIN Israel as real estate giant Shikun & Binui immediately applied for planning permission to build affordable high-rises on the red planet. Marketing the development as ‘Eilat in the Sky,’ young Israelis were also excited, as it seems they don’t actually enjoy paying more than 4,000 shekels a month for a studio as large as a border collie. With nothing to grow, nothing to do and an atmosphere lacking breathable air, Mars is using advertising slogans from the Beersheba tourist board.  Discussions broke down after participants learned that the Palestinians claim Mars was actually originally theirs.

There was also excitement in Israel to the sweet idea recently proposed by a British MP that Israel should be moved to the United States of America. “It would fit inside New Jersey” shrieked one excited Israeli, in a three kilometer line for Green Cards at the U.S. Embassy.

Upon the news, everyone’s dreaded President-Elect Donald Trump escorted the U.S. navy to patrol the seas off Ellis Island, carrying a Monty Pythonesque placard saying: “What have the bloody Jews ever done for us?” before being counter-sued by his son-in-law Jared Kushner.

As morning rolled around, Bibi called UK Prime Minister David Cameron to see if he would consider a land swap. The UK would return to supervise the land of Israel while Israelis moved into their relatives’ homes in Hendon and Golders Green. Netanyahu also said Dana International could stay and sing for the UK in next year’s Eurovision. David Cameron, vehemently against a Brexit, was said to be considering such a sweetener.