By Chava Ewa
Last Updated 1/12/2020 at 11:30 AM
Jeru: Comfortable American Olim are definitely NOT looking forward to giving up their Pesach tzimmer in order to bring about the Messianic Era. How do we know this? The Daily Freier wandered around Machane Yehuda this morning asking random Jerusalemites if they were really truly ready for Moshiach.
“Of course I pray for Moshiach, it’s right here in my siddur. Don’t let anyone tell you that I don’t daven from my siddur properly.” said Moishy L., resident of The-Neighbourhood-Formerly-Known-As-Har-Nof. “You’re asking me if I want Moshiach to come? For sure I do, but like maybe after Pesach…because we’re renting this awesome Pesach tzimmer with a pool and a jacuzzi.”
“Of course, we want Moshiach and the Beis haMikdash… but like after the summer.” chimed in Ruchie, Moishy’s wife. “We already paid for our oldest to go to Yeshiva Extreme Sports Camp in America for bein hazmanim… do you realize how much that cost?? We’re Levites, and it would just be a shame if he had to leave camp because he was called up for Temple service.”
“But wait!” Ruchie suddenly exclaimed. “Does that mean we might need to leave here because Moshiach will tell us where each of the shvatim will live? Because I just spent three months shipputzing my kitchen! For sure I want Moshiach to come, but don’t you realize how long I spent picking out these tiles?”
“The Rambam tells us that even though he may tarry like the Amazon delivery man, Moshiach is definitely coming.” advised Rabbi Avi G., “If you want to be prepared for when we can offer the Korban Pesach, you’ll need my Haggadah.”
The Daily Freier can now confirm that although this post is satire, the Haggadah is very real, bearing the approval of the Chief Rabbi of Israel, David Lau and the badatz has carefully checked each page to ensure that no gebrochts has been used in the printing process. (Ok, we made that last part up…but you believed it for a second, didn’t you?)
Instead of paying our authors a living wage, sometimes we let them plug their producst or the products of their friends. So If you are interested in pre-ordering a copy of Hagadat haPesach, it’s $36, which isn’t much compared to the million billion shekels you will be spending on dry crackers and that Pesachdik gefilte fish that nobody likes. Pre-order your Hagaddah here!