Tag: Linda Sarsour

Pelosi restricts Ilhan Omar to just one anti-Jewish tweet per week

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/9/2019 at 6:05 PM

Washington: In an unexpectedly decisive move, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi yesterday restricted  Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Minnesota) to just one anti-Jewish tweet per week. Congresswoman Omar’s Twitter history includes such Greatest Hits as ‘Israel hypnotized the world’, that support for Israel in Congress was “all about The Benjamins“, and (just this week!) that American Jews have dual-loyalty.  All of this drama has given the Democrats a bit of a rough week, and Pelosi decided bold action was in order. Speaker Pelosi’s spokesperson Drew Hammill explained the new policy at a noontime press conference. “Today Speaker Pelosi laid down the law: Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is henceforth to write no more than one anti-Jewish tweet or Facebook post in any 7-day period, whether or not Congress is in session.”

Reaction in the pundit-sphere was quite positive, with noted “As-a-Jew” Peter Beinart expressing his relief. “This masterstroke by Pelosi means that I can put a solid 5 days into my explanatory think-piece for the Atlantic on why Ilhan Omar’s next anti-Jewish outburst is not nearly as bad as that time Trump called a reporter fat. I think you’re going to see a noted increase in the quality of my excuses for Woke Left Wing Anti-Semitism. As a Jew I feel this is important.

For her part, Congresswoman Omar was quite conciliatory and understanding of Speaker Pelosi’s new directive. “At first I wanted at least two or three, depending on whether I had a chance to meet up with Linda that week or not. But Nancy Jewed me down was very adamant on this point, so I agreed. What can I say? I’m a team player. I mean, until 2020. Wait, did I just say that? Never mind that last part.”

The Daily Freier tried to contact Senate Minority Leader/noted champion of the Jewish people Chuck Schumer for a comment, but he was busy not doing shit while Woke anti-Semites were Corbynizing his party.

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Daily Freier losing ground to hot new satire site called “The Forward”

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2018 at 12:30 PM

New York: With 2018 drawing to a close, the Daily Freier reviewed its web traffic numbers and discovered that it has been consistently losing market share to a hot new competitor in the “Goofy Jewish Satire” niche market that calls itself “The Forward”. This wacky blog has popped up out of nowhere it appears, and is consistently putting out material that is funnier and more nuts than anything the Daily Freier has managed to produce. So did the Daily Freier just give up? Heck No! We put together a focus group! Yes, the Daily Freier gathered a focus group of Jews: Young and Old. Gay, Straight, and the Israeli guy who you think is Gay but ends up trying to hook up with your girlfriend. Reform, Conservative, Conservadox, Dati, Haredi, and Masorti. Americans, Canuckians, and…. Well you get the point. And if you think this comes cheap, then you haven’t purchased bagels and coffee recently, thank you very much. So anyhoo, we put a bunch of Jews in a room with copies of the Forward downloaded onto Kindles and stealthily recorded their reactions. Like that movie with Sigourney Weaver and the Gorillas. Except the Daily Freier was Sigourney Weaver. Let’s call it “Hebrews in the Mist“. So where were we? Oh yeah, the Focus Group. They LOVED the Forward! But don’t take our word for it, check out some of their reactions below!


Hey, check this one out!” exclaimed “Married North Jersey Dentist” to the other people sitting at his table.  No, You Can’t Be A Feminist And A Zionist“, by Mariam Barghouti! You know, this might be the funniest thing produced by a Barghouti since Marwan invented the “Hunger Strike with Designated Snack Breaks” last year!

OK OK you need to see this!” giggled “Canadian-Israeli Woman” as she took a break from showing everyone pictures of her dogs. “It’s calledLay Off Linda Sarsour’.  I know! Linda! The woman who said that there is nothing creepier than Zionism! And accused Jews of secretly controlling America. Yes! her! So anyways, the article says that Jews only criticize Linda because they’re racists! Amazing! ……What’s that you say? It would be funnier if they also threw in some random stuff about Trump? Well say no more. They did that too!

Suddenly, “Older guy who keeps telling jokes with Yiddish punchlines” interjected. “Wait, Wait! Peter Beinart is about to compare the Israeli-Arab conflict to the #MeToo Movement! This is even better than their ‘Hen Mazzig: Secret Agent Man’  sketch comedy series!

Meanwhile, “Recent college grad who wants to work on the new Cannabis Farm in the Negev” sat in the corner laughing at something written by ‘Jewish Voice for Peace’. “OMG this guy is a pro! He supports BDS! He advocates for the ‘Right of Return’! He says ‘Israel/Palestine’ instead of Israel! And then he says he doesn’t understand why Israel isn’t too crazy about him visiting! And he did it all in a deadpan voice!” Then the man took a long hit from a bong that he somehow had smuggled into the focus group and continued. “You don’t have to be baked to truly appreciate the Forward’s comedy genius. But it helps.

My Nation of Islam security detail agree that I’m not a bigot, by Linda Sarsour

Wuddup Allies! Once again, Linda is here breaking it all down for you! So today we’re standing up to the Haters! Hey, did you see yesterday’s article in the Tablet? The article that said that me and Tamika Mallory hijacked the Women’s March? And that at the very first Women’s March planning meeting we shared what we learned from the Farrakhan Book-of-the-Month Club: you know, that Jews ran the slave trade? Not a bad ice breaker, right

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Go check it out!)

This Hanukkah, I’m Gonna Gaslight You for 8 Days! By Linda Sarsour

Wuddup Allies! Who else is ready for Hanukkah? Great food! Games for the kids! Oh, and the part where you think it’s about Jews 2000 years ago fighting for a sovereign Jewish nation in “Israel”? Well that’s your White Privilege talking, know what I’m saying? So let me break it down for you. This Hanukkah I’m going to straight up gaslight you for 8 Crazy Days and 8 Crazy Nights! I already talked to the folks over at the Forward and They. Can’t. Wait! This week is going to be off the hook.  Anyways, let’s get started.

(The Daily Freier is over on Israellycool today. Go check us out!)

The Forward exclusive: Hen Mazzig rumored to be Gay!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/25/2018 at 12:00 PM

Manhattan: In another journalistic breakthrough from their ongoing investigation of Jews who support the Zionist Entity, the Forward has dropped a bombshell bound to shake the Jewish World to its core. Specifically, there are very credible rumors that Israel/Indigenous Rights advocate Hen Mazzig might be….you may want to sit down for this one…. GAY. Yeah, we know. We were just as surprised as you are. But it’s investigative reporting of this caliber that we’ve come to expect from the journalistic standard-bearer for Jews who like being Jewish but don’t like….there’s no delicate way to say this….. Israel, most Israeli people, the Israeli Government, and probably Israeli pets. The Forward, which has done some a-ma-zing work ever since it decided to go Fully Woke, has apparently decided to answer the rhetorical question that we all have asked at one point after taking the entire bag of edibles at once: “Hey! How would Linda Sarsour’s Twitter feed look if she joined a Bundist Yiddish theater troupe in Williamsburg?

The Daily Freier was able to Skype with Aiden Pink, the author of the Forward’s stunning exposé of Mr. Mazzig. We congratulated Mr. Pink on his previous article alleging that Hen is in fact an Israeli agent. “Yeah, that story really broke everything wide open, didn’t it?” Aiden explained. “You see, I wanted to shed light on this secret Israeli conspiracy to influence American society, and for the cover photo we superimposed Hen’s face onto a background with the Star of David and some Shekels.” Aiden paused for a moment and reflected. “Wait, do you think that was too subtle?” (Real World Spoiler Alert: They Really Really Did This.)

The Daily Freier then asked Mr. Pink how The Forward discovered that Hen might be gay, and he replied that they first became suspicious when Hen wore that killer suit to the Algemeiner Awards Gala, with no visible wife or girlfriend to dress him. The Daily Freier then asked Aidan what difference any of this would make.

Aiden: By showcasing prominent LGBT citizens, Israel often engages in Pinkwashing.

The Freier: So by ‘Pinkwashing’ do you mean ‘telling the truth about LGBT rights in Israel and telling the truth about LGBT persecution in the Arab and Muslim world’?

Aiden: …..(pause)….. Is there another definition?

The Freier: Moving on to the topic of Hen’s Secret Agent identity. Specifically, what proof did The Forward have of this accusation?

Aiden: He literally worked for the Israeli Government. He served in the Army!

The Freier: But by your standards, all the Jews, Druze, and Circassians in Israel could also be suspected agents.

Aiden: Wait, So what you’re saying is, in a country with universal conscription, literally everyone was in the military?

The Freier: Uh Huh.

Aiden: So my accusation that Hen was an Israeli agent could also be leveled at your Vaad Bayit?

The Freier: Uh huh.

Aiden: And the pretty Mizrahi girl with big hair & giant red acrylic fingernails who works at the phone kiosk in the mall?

The Freier: Uh huh

Aiden: And the guy on Rothschild who keeps trying to sell you a subscription to Haaretz?

The Freier: Uh Huh!

Aiden: Same with the guy at the juice stand on the corner who keeps hitting on the Taglit girls?

The Freier: Uh huh!

Aiden: And the woman on the Number 4 bus yesterday who told a complete stranger that if she wanted to be skinnier, she should stop eating pastries?

The Freier: Uh huh!

Aiden: OMG, it’s almost as if I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about when I wrote the article.

The Freier: We’ve just had what our Therapist calls “a breakthrough”. And this is the sound of us hugging you from 4000 miles away. OMG…. Did we just have a Moment???


UPDATE:  The Daily Freier has independently determined that Mr. Mazzig is in fact NOT a paid agent of the Jooz, because the one time we met for brunch in Tel Aviv, at no point did he offer to pick up the check.

 

Mocking Nike? We Just Did It!

This week, Nike showed just how #Woke they are by making an ad starring this guy named Colin Kapaernik who people say once actually played football (we’ve found no proof). Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is not about to let a mere Gazillion Dollar Sneaker Company Out-Woke us.

(We’re over at Israellycool today. Check it out!)

Jewish Voice for Peace presents: Woke Seder 2018

(SPOILER ALERT: This is actually a thing.)

Oh hi there! So happy you could make it! Hey, what did you think of our mock Israeli checkpoint at the front door? Scary, huh? I mean, as if a Palestinian would ever disrupt a Passover Seder in real life, right???

Excuse me, did you say that Passover celebrates the Jewish people’s flight from Egypt to Israel? OMG. Sorry, but I’m a little #Triggered by what you just said. Because it’s actually a stand against Colonialism and Islamophobia. No, really. It’s in our Haggadah.

Hey don’t sit there! That seat’s taken! What did you say? For the Prophet Elijah??? Oh don’t be silly. It’s for Rasmea Odeh!

(The Daily Freier is over at Israellycool today. Check it Out!)