Tag: Linda Sarsour

The Forward exclusive: Hen Mazzig rumored to be Gay!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/25/2018 at 12:00 PM

Manhattan: In another journalistic breakthrough from their ongoing investigation of Jews who support the Zionist Entity, the Forward has dropped a bombshell bound to shake the Jewish World to its core. Specifically, there are very credible rumors that Israel/Indigenous Rights advocate Hen Mazzig might be….you may want to sit down for this one…. GAY. Yeah, we know. We were just as surprised as you are. But it’s investigative reporting of this caliber that we’ve come to expect from the journalistic standard-bearer for Jews who like being Jewish but don’t like….there’s no delicate way to say this….. Israel, most Israeli people, the Israeli Government, and probably Israeli pets. The Forward, which has done some a-ma-zing work ever since it decided to go Fully Woke, has apparently decided to answer the rhetorical question that we all have asked at one point after taking the entire bag of edibles at once: “Hey! How would Linda Sarsour’s Twitter feed look if she joined a Bundist Yiddish theater troupe in Williamsburg?

The Daily Freier was able to Skype with Aiden Pink, the author of the Forward’s stunning exposé of Mr. Mazzig. We congratulated Mr. Pink on his previous article alleging that Hen is in fact an Israeli agent. “Yeah, that story really broke everything wide open, didn’t it?” Aiden explained. “You see, I wanted to shed light on this secret Israeli conspiracy to influence American society, and for the cover photo we superimposed Hen’s face onto a background with the Star of David and some Shekels.” Aiden paused for a moment and reflected. “Wait, do you think that was too subtle?” (Real World Spoiler Alert: They Really Really Did This.)

The Daily Freier then asked Mr. Pink how The Forward discovered that Hen might be gay, and he replied that they first became suspicious when Hen wore that killer suit to the Algemeiner Awards Gala, with no visible wife or girlfriend to dress him. The Daily Freier then asked Aidan what difference any of this would make.

Aiden: By showcasing prominent LGBT citizens, Israel often engages in Pinkwashing.

The Freier: So by ‘Pinkwashing’ do you mean ‘telling the truth about LGBT rights in Israel and telling the truth about LGBT persecution in the Arab and Muslim world’?

Aiden: …..(pause)….. Is there another definition?

The Freier: Moving on to the topic of Hen’s Secret Agent identity. Specifically, what proof did The Forward have of this accusation?

Aiden: He literally worked for the Israeli Government. He served in the Army!

The Freier: But by your standards, all the Jews, Druze, and Circassians in Israel could also be suspected agents.

Aiden: Wait, So what you’re saying is, in a country with universal conscription, literally everyone was in the military?

The Freier: Uh Huh.

Aiden: So my accusation that Hen was an Israeli agent could also be leveled at your Vaad Bayit?

The Freier: Uh huh.

Aiden: And the pretty Mizrahi girl with big hair & giant red acrylic fingernails who works at the phone kiosk in the mall?

The Freier: Uh huh

Aiden: And the guy on Rothschild who keeps trying to sell you a subscription to Haaretz?

The Freier: Uh Huh!

Aiden: Same with the guy at the juice stand on the corner who keeps hitting on the Taglit girls?

The Freier: Uh huh!

Aiden: And the woman on the Number 4 bus yesterday who told a complete stranger that if she wanted to be skinnier, she should stop eating pastries?

The Freier: Uh huh!

Aiden: OMG, it’s almost as if I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about when I wrote the article.

The Freier: We’ve just had what our Therapist calls “a breakthrough”. And this is the sound of us hugging you from 4000 miles away. OMG…. Did we just have a Moment???


UPDATE:  The Daily Freier has independently determined that Mr. Mazzig is in fact NOT a paid agent of the Jooz, because the one time we met for brunch in Tel Aviv, at no point did he offer to pick up the check.

 

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Mocking Nike? We Just Did It!

This week, Nike showed just how #Woke they are by making an ad starring this guy named Colin Kapaernik who people say once actually played football (we’ve found no proof). Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is not about to let a mere Gazillion Dollar Sneaker Company Out-Woke us.

(We’re over at Israellycool today. Check it out!)

Jewish Voice for Peace presents: Woke Seder 2018

(SPOILER ALERT: This is actually a thing.)

Oh hi there! So happy you could make it! Hey, what did you think of our mock Israeli checkpoint at the front door? Scary, huh? I mean, as if a Palestinian would ever disrupt a Passover Seder in real life, right???

Excuse me, did you say that Passover celebrates the Jewish people’s flight from Egypt to Israel? OMG. Sorry, but I’m a little #Triggered by what you just said. Because it’s actually a stand against Colonialism and Islamophobia. No, really. It’s in our Haggadah.

Hey don’t sit there! That seat’s taken! What did you say? For the Prophet Elijah??? Oh don’t be silly. It’s for Rasmea Odeh!

(The Daily Freier is over at Israellycool today. Check it Out!)

As a Lefty Jew, How Do I Feel About Farrakhan? Hey Look! A Squirrel!

As a Progressive Jew, Am I Okay with Farrakhan’s speeches where he says that Jews are “Satanic”? Can we change the subject? Because to be honest, I would rather talk about something that doesn’t challenge my worldview. How about right-wing antisemitism? Wouldn’t you rather talk about right-wing antisemitism? That’s much more interesting than Linda Sarsour and Tamika Mallory defending Farrakhan.

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

I Don’t Hate Jews, I’m Just anti-Zioni…..Aww Screw It. Go Farrakhan!

Hey there #Woke People! Linda Sarsour and Tamika Mallory here and we are about to drop some knowledge on you! So have a seat and grab a coffee: it’s about to get Intersectional up in here! First off, we are about tired of certain folks out there saying we have a beef with Jews. That is just a Big Lie being pushed by a bunch of Likudniks drinking the Haterade! The real deal? We oppose Israel’s unjust and illegi…… OMG OMG! Is that Louis Farrakhan??? Giant FanGirl moment, know what I’m saying? Do you think we can get a selfie with the Minister? I mean, like, another one.

(The Daily Freier is published over at Israellycool today. Check us out!)

 

Screenshotting My Old Tweets is Racist, by Linda Sarsour

Linda Sarsour Israellycool Ayaan Hirsi Ali Daily FreierSo can we get one thing straight? Screenshotting my old tweets is basically a hate crime. Worse than the NYPD. Worse than Netanyahu. I mean, it’s even worse than the NFL not giving Colin Kapaernik a job. Yes. It’s THAT BAD. Because when you screenshot a tweet like this one….

 

…. Well you are simply taking away my voice as a Woman of Color and a Muslim in Donald Trump’s Amerika. And why are you even screenshotting my old tweets anyway? Is it because I speak Truth to Power? Like the time I told the CIA to “Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself”?

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Check it out!)

Cutting Costs, The Forward Now Just Links Straight to Linda Sarsour’s Twitter Feed

The Forward Linda Sarsour Twitter FeedWith the ongoing slow death of a ridonkulous business model consolidation of online Jewish media, the venerable news site The Forward has hit upon a brilliant way to cut costs while still maintaining core brand identity: their web page now sends you directly to Linda Sarsour’s Twitter feed. Ms. Sarsour, noted feminist and Sharia advocate, has featured so prominently in the Forward as of late that it just made sense to cut out the middleman and bring Linda’s woke tweets directly to the Forward’s woke audience. The Daily Freier took a stroll around Park Slope, Brooklyn in order to get all of the facts from The Forward’s key demographic: Lefty Jews in a constant state of Checking their Privilege.

(The Freier is posted on Israellycool today. Check it out!)