The sexual tension is palpable as Jew-hater Kamran Hussain flirts with Kamran Hussein… wait…. we mean Maree Campbell. Who is DEFINITELY a real woman, and not just a “Girlfriend in Canada” situation. Unless Kamran is currently flirting with… himself?
Follow the hijinks as Kamran transforms himself from a sketchy weirdo from Luton who is obsessed with Israel into…. a sketchy weirdo from Luton who is obsessed with Israel AND who has a special lady friend! So the pictures of her look a bit AI and/or photoshopped, but that’s just to keep the Zios off balance and confused!
Brooklyn: Authorities today are warning citizens about a disturbingly powerful new strain of marijuana that is hitting the streets. “Ontario as-a-Jew Sticky Smicha” is a brand of cannabis so powerful that after two solid bong rips you will believe that David Mivasair is actually a Rabbi. That’s right, the THC content is so high that just a small dose will have you believing that David the Canuckian BDS Activist is not just a goofy imposter. The Daily Freier spoke to NYPD Narcotics Detective Farrell who warned young people to stay away from this dangerous new high.
“I’m not Jewish myself.” explained Detective Farrell. “But I understand that a few hits of this stuff will have you believing that David isn’t just pretending to be a Rabbi in order to make it more palatable that he opposes Israel’s existence.” Detective Farrell finished his Chocolate Cruller and continued. “Three hits and you’ll think that Ariel Gold is indigenous to Spain.“
You see, Ravreverend Mivasair says he’s a Rabbi. But he works in a Church. He explained that he got his Smicha from famed Jewish Renewal Founder/LSD connoisseur Zalman Schechter. Or from a Tim Hortons in Saskatoon. It’s hard to keep the stories straight.
Yet after eating a brownie made with “Ontario as-a-Jew Sticky Smicha“, we were so high that we were nodding our heads when Monsignor Mivasair agreed that Zionism has nothing to do with Judaism. We were so baked that we didn’t wonder whether Minister Mivasair went to the bathroom each time they sang “Ki Mi Tzion“. After two hours we were eating raw cookie dough straight from the tube and forgetting that Parson Dave has a problem with teaching about the Holocaust.
The Daily Freier contacted Pastor Mivasair for comment, and he promised to Tweet his response “on Saturday right after Mincha“.
Mojang: Once again leading the way in the field of Performative As-A-Jewdaism, Peter Beinart spent the past six months designing a Bi-National Palestinian/Jewish State in the Minecraft Multiverse! That’s right, Peter painstakingly built a Virtual One State Solution, thus fulfilling all of the great ideas he’s been trying to sell us for the last couple years. The work was hard, but Mr. Beinart is a builder. Today Peter took the bold step of moving there to live permanently.
This is a bit of a turnabout for Mr. Beinart, who was still considered somewhat of a Liberal Zionist until a few years ago. However, as time went on and actual Israelis continued to disappoint him, Mr. Beinart slowly moved away from Zionism. He finally broke with Zionism after he read a book by the guy who founded Electric Intifada. (He. Really. Said. This.) Peter now refers to himself as a “Cultural Zionist who believes in the Right of Return“, which appears to be the last Rest Area on Peter’s personal Road Trip to his very own virtual Shtetl. The Daily Freier saw it all coming a mile away and actually ran a betting pool on this very topic. Think of us as the Moe Greenes of Anglo-Infused Israeli satire. Or not.*
Yesterday, we released an ad without properly vetting, for a free all expenses-paid Shabbaton next Wednesday at IfNotNow’s Editor’s Dad’s Summer House outside of New Paltz. This ad is not in line with our values as an organization dedicated to stories about Dizengoff Center, Taglit jokes, the shortcomings of Jerusalem nightlife, and some occasional dunking on the Woke Dorks of Anti-Zionism. We are returning the money that we received for this ad, and will immediately begin a critical evaluation of our ad process and policies. Specifically, we will try to figure out how we missed them talking about JVP’s Acapella group performing “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahood” in Three Part Harmony. Also the part about Mairav Zonsein teaching everyone how to dance the Dabka until Ali Abunimah inevitably busts in and yells at her for appropriation. Same with the BDS puppet show based on Simone Zimmerman’s dream journal. Not to mention Ariel Gold’s amazing “Poetry Slam for Palestine” featuring some not so subtle references to her love-hate relationship with a certain Gay Israeli Mizrahi Indigenous Rights Activist.
Ithaca: And that’s Hen’s heart that’s breaking down this long-distance line tonight, but he ain’t missing Ariel at all. Since she’s been gone away. He ain’t missing her. No matter what his friends say…. Wait, where were we? Oh yeah. Noted anti-Zionist Ariel Gold has ended her tumultuous relationship with Mossad-funded Hasbara Guy Hen Mazzig. That’s right, the BDS/Zionist Power Couple is no more, before we could even think of a cute name for them like “Bennifer“.
For the past couple of years, self-described Jew-indigenous-to-Spain Ariel Gold feuded with Hen on the Internets, leading to such gems as the time she criticized his shirtless selfie, an amazing online debate for which the Daily Freier created Bingo cards, and the time Ariel tried to kidnap Hen’s pet rabbit. Sure, they broke up from time to time while Ariel yelled at Morton Klein or Ben Shapiro, but they always managed to continue their tumultuous online relationship.
So it was with heavy heart that the Daily Freier discovered that Ariel had recently dumped Hen. For a pine tree. Last week noted British actor Eddie Marsan wrote a nice post on Twitter about a tree planted in his honor by the Jewish Community of the United Kingdom. It all went downhill from there, with Ms. Gold replying with accusations of stolen land, ethnic cleansing, and… (checks notes) ….promoting forest fires. That’s right, there is another target of Ariel’s Anti-Zionist Righteous Indignation, and it’s a Pine Tree named Ido currently growing in the Shfela Region just south of Tel Gezer. With Ido the Pine Tree suddenly the new target of Ariel’s online activism/diary entries, naturally Hen began feeling like the losing end of an Evergreen Love Triangle. The Daily Freier contacted Mr. Mazzig for his take on Ariel branching outleaving breaking up with him for a member of the Coniferous family.
“I still haven’t processed this.” lamented Hen while staring at his coffee hafuch. “This is a complete shock. Just last week I was picking out a house for us in our indigenous land…. near Barcelona.”
The Daily Freier tried to cheer Hen up, noting that there were plenty of wacky and performative BDS activists from the Finger Lakes Region out there waiting to meet him, but he was inconsolable. “I’ve been dumped before for other men, for other women, once even for a cat. But what Ariel has done is the most humiliating thing I’ve ever experienced. I feel like I’ve been cuckolded by Etz HaHayim.“
We had more questions for Mr. Mazzig but he cut the interview short “because it’s time for Mincha.” As we got up to leave, we could hear Hen praying “Shema Spain Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Ehad.“
Editor’s Note: If you think this is the last you’re going to hear from Ido the Pine Tree, then you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.
Many us share a love for Young Adult Womens’ literature, but found it lacked a particular focus on boycotting a certain country. A country populated by certain Rootless Cosmopolitans who lacked a capacity for British irony. A country located to the Southwest of Syria, a nation whose leader I consider a friend. So imagine how chuffed I was upon hearing the news that Sally Rooney has decided not to translate her works into Hebrew.
As I told my comrades in the Islington Gardening Allotment this morning, Chick Lit finally has a champion in the struggle to erase the Zionist Entity for Palestine. Sally’s books now truly have “something for everyone”. Our steadfast colleague Diane Abbott noted that Sally’s female protagonists “displayterrible choices in men that remind me of some of the choices that I once made as a young woman.” I’m not sure what she’s referring to, but it sounds like a rather authentic endorsement.
Ms. Rooney’s stand is truly a breath of fresh air. For too many months, the Progressive Left in this nation has been hectored by a series of reactionary Kulaks Blairites spinning yarns such as “Why did Corbyn’s Labour rallies feature a sea of Palestinian flags but no Union Jacks?” Yet what these critics don’t understand is that the Northern Counties that abandoned Labour were not interested in jobs or their childrens’ education. Rather, they were waiting for a Woke Novelist to rally the Proletariat in the Struggle for Palestine.
Ms. Rooney, please consider yourself invited to my next High Tea at the House of Commons.
Brooklyn: There was celebration in the air last night when the election results were announced. That’s right, Peter Beinart was nominated to serve as Israel’s Next Top Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.* The prestigious award is bestowed upon the former friend of Israel whose Personal Journey has taken them the furthest on the Crazy Train to Woketown. While many worthy aspirants entered this year’s contest, in the end Mr. Beinart was the one who stood above the rest.
Remember your ex? The one who stole your goldfish? And when you asked for them back, (Preferred Pronoun) sent you a mix-tape of songs that you once listened to together, each with a clue as to where (Pronoun) hid the fishbowl? Well that Ex has a name, and it’s Peter.
Tel Aviv, The Old North: Israel is abuzz today with exciting news… The Daily Freier hired Omar Barghouti. That’s right, the founder of the BDS Movement has signed with the #1 Voice in Anglo-infused Israeli satire! Mr. Barghouti, long known for pushing a hard line on Boycotting the Jewish State unless, like, you know, it personally inconvenienced him, will now be a full-time writer. In fact, Omar hit the ground running by submitting a satire piece to the Jerusalem Post entitled “If Israel develops a Corona Virus Vaccine, you can take it.” The Daily Freier spoke to its writing staff on what Mr. Barghouti’s arrival meant to them.
”OMG, this guy is amazing.” noted Yekutiel Bornstein. “I hope he doesn’t mind that we used to say he looks like a chubby Buster Bluth.”
Aaron Pomerantz was simply in awe of his new colleague. “He’s so full of shit…. it’s….it’s…. Majestic.“
Of course, there have been some growing pains along the away for both sides, as Editor Yuval Weiss explained. “We asked him to do a satire piece where he pretends to study at Tel Aviv University….. and then he reminded us that he no-kidding studied at Tel Aviv University.”
Also, Mr. Barghouti will have to deal with the fact that our Unisex Restroom has a sign that says “Occupied”.
Ithaca: Ariel Gold is not afraid to take a stand. As a member of Code Pink she has stood against American Foreign Policy on topics such as Iran and Saudi Arabia. She is a noted critic of Israel and has clashed frequently online with Israeli advocates. Yet today Ariel is taking on her most dangerous opponent yet: Standard Written English.
For quite a while, Ms. Gold’s tweets have suffered from a certain lack of proofreading, such as this one and this one. It got so difficult to track what she was saying that we developed an app to make things easier for everyone. Now Ariel has laid down the gauntlet and declared war on proper spelling, grammar, syntax and other tools of World Zionism. We caught up with Ms. Gold as she prepared to picket her local food co-op.
“The spellcheck function is just there to police my words. What is this, ‘A Handmaid’s Tale?’ Helllooo! We say No to Spellcheck, No to Grammarly, No to Proofreading! From the River to the Sea!” The Daily Freier could have sworn that the pink bullhorn in Ariel’s hand was not there at the beginning of this conversation, but we sort of just let it go.
The Daily Freier challenged Ms. Gold that maybe people would take her political positions more seriously if she performed basic due diligence on her tweets, but she was adamant. “Seriously? Did Hen put you up to this?The only thing to check is your Privilege!”
As Ariel left for her protest, we extended our sincere appreciation for her tireless work against the malicious stereotype that all Jews are clever.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.