Tag: BDS

Huge win for BDS after Hurricane cancels Israel visit

“OK, can you stop texting me now, Mr. Waters?”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/28/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Israel’s Hasbara efforts suffered a crushing blow this weekend after a Category One Hurricane failed to show up for its scheduled appearance. Hurricanes are fairly rare in this part of the world, so there was quite a bit of anticipation building up for its arrival. Yet last minute lobbying forced the hurricane, who goes by “Bob”, to cancel his trip. The Daily Freier spoke with Bob as he wandered aimlessly off the coast of Cyprus.

I just couldn’t take the pressure.” lamented Bob. “Which is ironic, because I’m supposed to thrive in fluctucations of barometric pressure, right?” Bob half-heartedly threw some rain clouds into the atmosphere and continued. “It started when my friend Gus the Tornado told me about the open letter from Roger Waters on the Weather Channel accusing me of ‘Climate Apartheid’. Then some bizarre cat lady started tweeting at me from her vacation to Iran. I couldn’t really understand her message, but she kept saying ‘Seriously, Bob?’…. I just felt unsafe.”

The Daily Freier asked Bob if he had any regrets about his canceled trip. “I really wanted to visit my family in Israel. The Flash Floods down south, my cousin Humidity, and of course my brother-in-law Boaz the Golani Cloud.

Reaction from the BDS people was unsupringly giddy, with many of the usual suspects chiming in:


Israel might have hypnotized the world, but it cannot hypnotize the weather. Me and my (EDITOR’S NOTE: Check CNN and insert name of current boyfriend/husband as of 5 AM Eastern Standard Time before this story goes to print) applaud the courage of Bob the Hurricane.” -Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat, Minnesota)

If Bob the Hurricane truly wants to educate himself about Palestine, he can listen to the folk songs I heard growing up in my grandmother’s village. You know, songs like ‘Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahud’. or ‘Falastin Baladna Yahud Kalabna’ . Stuff like that.” – Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (Democrat, Michigan)

What’s a Hurricane?” -Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes (Democrat, New York)


Reaction to Bob’s cancellation among the “Only in Israel!” crowd was unsurprisingly glum, forcing Taglit to cancel a planned stop at the Technion where a representative from ‘Stand With Us’ would explain how Israel invented hurricanes in the mid-1980’s using only solar panels, Waze, and Dead Sea skin products.

 

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New App alerts you whenever Ariel Gold says something stupid

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/10/2019 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has done it again, releasing an exciting App this week to great fanfare. ‘That’s Gold!’ is an application for Iphone and Android users that alerts you whenever noted BDS supporter/Deep Thinker Ariel Gold says or does something ridiculous. The Daily Freier wandered down to that WeWork office near Rothschild (no not that one, the other one) in order to meet the creators of this amazing application.

With our ‘That’s Gold!‘ app, we provide our customer with a one-stop shop to stay up to date on the latest dumb shit that Ariel came up with.” explained lead engineer Pinchas G. “Our state of the art algorithm pulls data from Ariel’s Twitter feed, Code Pink press releases, and the comments section for Hen Mazzig’s pet rabbit’s Instagram page.” Pinchas feverishly typed a line of code on his Macintosh and continued. “The 2.0 version even has a feature that notifies you whenever she uses a Yiddish phrase incorrectly.

Well if you think this App is selling like latkes in December, you are correct. The Daily Freier ran into a number of happy customers on Rothschild Boulevard.

OMG This is A-Ma-Zing!” extolled Arielle (NOT Ariel) C. “This gives me something to do whenever the Daily Freier is going through Writer’s Block.

Changed my life!” enthused David S. “I really like the feature that alerts me whenever she takes a selfie with Neteurei Karta.

Unfortunately, not all of the feedback was positive. The Daily Freier stumbled upon Alert Local Ronit S. as she desperately tried to silence her beeping Iphone at the coffee kiosk on the corner of Allenby. “Ariel just got into a one-way argument with Jason Greenblatt and now my phone won’t shut off…..thanks a lot.”

The Daily Freier looks forward to Ms. Gold’s inevitable response to this story, because it would no doubt trigger this app, thereby becoming the most Meta thing like ever.


p.s. Yes, we wrote a similar story about Margot Wallstrom back in 2015.

p.p.s. With Margot retiring, we saw a chance to reuse a theme.

p.p.p.s. At least someone around here is bothering to recycle. What, do you hate the Planet or something?

Hen Mazzig’s pet rabbit in Protective Custody after Ariel Gold’s latest tweet

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/19/2019 at 12:00 PM

Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: Law enforcement moved swiftly in the early morning hours, safeguarding a local rabbit from credible threats. “Shani” is a white angora, and the pet of noted Israel Advocate/Indigenous Rights Activist/Shirtless Selfie afficionado Hen Mazzig. So when noted Code Pink Activist/BDS fan/that one really annoying girl in your NFTY Youth Group Ariel Gold escalated her one-way Twitter feud with Hen, police whisked Shani off to an undisclosed location. The Daily Freier spoke with a visibly frightened Hen at a local cafe.

This all happened so quickly.” Hen said as he nervously picked at his shakshuka. “One moment Shani and I were just chilling on the balcony people-watching, and then all of a sudden the cops show up and say she has only 2 minutes to pack a bag…. she didn’t even have a chance to finish her carrots and celery smoothie.

The Daily Freier asked Hen what specifically caused the latest crisis. “At first, it was all sort of innocent. You know, Ariel body-shaming me and teaching me important lessons about my Mizrahi heritage. Then shit just got weird. Stuff about my secret payments from the Israeli Government. Honestly, for a moment I thought I was reading the Forward.” Hen looked nervously around the cafe and continued. “Finally, she tweeted something at me about Ilhan Omar and AIPAC. I couldn’t really understand what she was saying, girlfriend could use a spellcheck once in a while…. but the bottom line is she is not going to be ignored.”

Finally, the Daily Freier was able to Skype with Shani from her undisclosed location. “Things are OK in the Safe House. Apparently I’m not the first animal that stayed here.”  The Daily Freier asked Shani if she has any regrets. “The real tragedy is that I absolutely LOVE Glenn Close movies….. I hope this doesn’t ruin them for me.

As the Daily Freier was about to end the interview, a visibly relieved Shani noted that Ariel had moved on to yelling back and forth with Morton Klein.

 

 

 

 

Las Vegas now taking bets for when Peter Beinart goes full BDS

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/26/2019 at 3:00 PM

Las Vegas: There’s some hot new action here in Sin City, and the High Rollers are starting to notice. College Football? Nope. Keno? Nope. Nope. Blackjack? Still Nope. The name of the game this year is picking the date that Peter Beinart goes Full BDS, and everyone wants a piece of the action. You see, Mr. Beinart used to (sorta) be the Conscience of Liberal Zionism. But maybe he switched to a different High School or something, because he’s started to run with the wrong crowd ….and don’t think we haven’t noticed. Anyhoo, as Peter keeps driving down Sanctimony Highway (past the old Tikkun Olam Rest Area) toward BDS City, the bookies have started to notice. And now they’re laying down odds. The Daily Freier put on our best suit, and headed out to the Desert to get a piece of the action.

The Daily Freier met up with “Fat Sal”, who greeted us at his office behind a dilapidated motel a few blocks off the Strip. We asked Mr. Fat Sal if he truly felt that Mr. Beinart was flirting with BDS. Sal took a drag from his cigar and replied. “Has Peter been flirting with BDS lately? Oh he’s been flirting. Lotsa flirting. With BDS. You catch my drift?

We then asked Mr. Sal just how they put down odds on such a unique form of gambling as Peter Beinart’s very public slow-motion Total Eclipse of the Woke Heart, and Sal explained. “There’s a science to handicapping this. How many times this week did he mention his one-way feud with Bibi? How many times has Code Pink praised his articles on Twitter today? How many times has…” [Sal paused and yelled into the other room] “Hey Jimmy! What’s the over/under on Peter’s ‘As a Jew’ count today?

Sal continued. “At the end of the day I’m just another conservative businessman. Nothing fancy. I don’t get excited easily. I don’t see anything happening with Peter until after the High Holidays. I mean it’s not like he tweeted an article from Counterpunch…..wait, never mind. ….So what do you think about the horses this year? You got any tips?

Sal then walked away to take a phone call, and the Daily Freier dutifully eavesdropped. “OK talk to me. Two to One by Labor Day? No friggin way. We’ve already got our odds, and those are the odds, OK? Nothin’ is going to make me change them, got it? Not even if he…. wait you said he just co-hosted a talk via Skype with Omar Barghouti the head of the BDS Movement? ….. OK listen to me. Stop taking any action until we figure this out. OK? I’m out.

As the Daily Freier thanked Mr. Fat Sal for his time and prepared to leave, Peter Beinart tweeted his support for Marc Lamont Hill. “Screw it, I’m done!” Sal yelled. ” All bets are off. Let’s go find some cocktail waitresses.”

Iceland’s Eurovision Band loses “Bad El Al service” case after Court finds no history of good El Al service

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/27/2019 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv: The District Court of Tel Aviv has dismissed the lawsuit brought against El Al Airlines by Hatari, Iceland’s Eurovision Entry. You see, Hatari, a band  of woke rich kids committed in their own special way to social justice, decided to wave the Palestinian flag because they couldn’t find Narnia’s flag during a live Eurovision broadcast. And Israelis, being Israelis, decided to throw some serious shade, culminating in El Al allegedly giving the band purposely poor seats and service on their flight home. Hatari then responded by filing a lawsuit, which was subsequently tossed out today. You see, El Al has this tiny, and let us just stress VERY UNDESERVED reputation for…. you may want to sit down for this….. poor customer service. We know… crazy, right? (Editor’s Note: Just to be fair, we called El Al’s Toll Free Number about this rumor, but the woman yelled at us and then hung up.) So the Court resolved that there was in fact no data set of “good El Al Customer Service” with which to compare Hatari’s accusation of crappy service. The Daily Freier walked down to the courthouse to get all the facts.

We spoke to Tamar C., a bailiff at the courthouse, who read from the Court’s decision. “It is the Court’s opinion that the Band Hatari, henceforth to be referred to as ‘the plaintiff’, did not adequately prove they were purposely and maliciously served poor food, because none of us in the Courthouse can remember receiving ‘a good meal’ from El Al…. not even Sarit from the cleaning staff, and her brother works in El Al’s catering office.

When the Daily Freier noted that the plaintiff had accused El Al of purposely placing them near extra-rude passengers, Tamar continued: “It is the Court’s opinion that the ‘very rude’ Israeli passengers the plaintiff was seated next to would not even make the tryouts for Israel’s ‘Bad Travelers’ All-Star Team.

Tamar continued: “In addition, The Court finds that the plaintiff’s accusation of ‘targeted harassment’ from Ben Gurion Airport personnel was simply the established protocol after the band went through a Security Checkpoint and set off the Sanctimony Detector, also known as the Beinartometer.

The Daily Freier hopes that the current crisis does not harm the very vital Israeli-Icelandic relationship.

 

Jewish Voice for Peace hires Hanin Zoabi

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/9/2019 at 1:20 PM

Oakland: In an amazing coup, the Anti-Israel’s Existence Anti-Occupation NGO “Jewish Voice for Peace” just hired Hanin Zoabi to be their newest “Director of Outreach”!  Jewish Voice for Peace (Street Name: “The Ridiculous JVP“) snapped up the talented but soon to be unemployed anti-Israel-but-an-Israeli Knesset Member just as soon as it was obvious that Hanin would not make the cut of her Balad Party’s candidates in the upcoming Israeli election. The Daily Freier spoke with JVP Executive Director Rebecca Vilkomerson to find out just how they were able to hire the Knesset’s most easygoing and chill member.

This was not a traditional move.” explained Ms. Vilkomerson. Ms. Zoabi might not meet your outdated and racist definition of ‘Jewish’. And her ideas might not meet your outdated and racist definition of ‘Peace’ either. But her voice is just fine.” The Daily Freier asked Ms. Vilkomerson if her definition of “racist” was “people to the right of me who I disagree with” and she nodded in agreement and we continued the interview.

Incidentally, this power move by Jewish Voice for Peace has caused quite a ruckus among its allies on the Sorta-Jewish-But-Dislikes-Most-Other-Jews-Intersectional-Left. In fact, many of JVP’s peers reacted to the move with a mixture of excitement tinged with Envy. “OMG, they hired Zoabi? I wanted to have her write our special edition for Yom HaAtzmaut this year. Damn their luck!” fumed The Forward’s Opinion Editor Batya Ungar-Sargon. “Please excuse me, but I hear that Hen Mazzig just brushed his teeth with water from The Occupation and I need to go write a 700 word blog post on why this is NOT OK……Wait, do you think I’m acting clingy and obsessed?

For her part, Ms. Zoabi was looking forward to this new career move. “They asked me to plan a nice mixer in the Spring, so I’m thinking ‘Boat Ride’, you know? Rebecca just LOVED the idea, but I’m afraid to break it to her that Hamas vetoed the Open Bar and dance-off competitions. But It’s just refreshing to work with people who share my values.” Ms. Zoabi smiled slightly and continued. “Who knows, maybe I will meet someone nice!

We wanted to continue our chat, but Ms. Zoabi had to say goodbye. “They said I need to be in the United States for Friday Morning’s Staff Meeting. Maybe I can call Azmi Bishara and ask about the best deals on last-minute flights out of Israel.

 

Daily Freier losing ground to hot new satire site called “The Forward”

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2018 at 12:30 PM

New York: With 2018 drawing to a close, the Daily Freier reviewed its web traffic numbers and discovered that it has been consistently losing market share to a hot new competitor in the “Goofy Jewish Satire” niche market that calls itself “The Forward”. This wacky blog has popped up out of nowhere it appears, and is consistently putting out material that is funnier and more nuts than anything the Daily Freier has managed to produce. So did the Daily Freier just give up? Heck No! We put together a focus group! Yes, the Daily Freier gathered a focus group of Jews: Young and Old. Gay, Straight, and the Israeli guy who you think is Gay but ends up trying to hook up with your girlfriend. Reform, Conservative, Conservadox, Dati, Haredi, and Masorti. Americans, Canuckians, and…. Well you get the point. And if you think this comes cheap, then you haven’t purchased bagels and coffee recently, thank you very much. So anyhoo, we put a bunch of Jews in a room with copies of the Forward downloaded onto Kindles and stealthily recorded their reactions. Like that movie with Sigourney Weaver and the Gorillas. Except the Daily Freier was Sigourney Weaver. Let’s call it “Hebrews in the Mist“. So where were we? Oh yeah, the Focus Group. They LOVED the Forward! But don’t take our word for it, check out some of their reactions below!


Hey, check this one out!” exclaimed “Married North Jersey Dentist” to the other people sitting at his table.  No, You Can’t Be A Feminist And A Zionist“, by Mariam Barghouti! You know, this might be the funniest thing produced by a Barghouti since Marwan invented the “Hunger Strike with Designated Snack Breaks” last year!

OK OK you need to see this!” giggled “Canadian-Israeli Woman” as she took a break from showing everyone pictures of her dogs. “It’s calledLay Off Linda Sarsour’.  I know! Linda! The woman who said that there is nothing creepier than Zionism! And accused Jews of secretly controlling America. Yes! her! So anyways, the article says that Jews only criticize Linda because they’re racists! Amazing! ……What’s that you say? It would be funnier if they also threw in some random stuff about Trump? Well say no more. They did that too!

Suddenly, “Older guy who keeps telling jokes with Yiddish punchlines” interjected. “Wait, Wait! Peter Beinart is about to compare the Israeli-Arab conflict to the #MeToo Movement! This is even better than their ‘Hen Mazzig: Secret Agent Man’  sketch comedy series!

Meanwhile, “Recent college grad who wants to work on the new Cannabis Farm in the Negev” sat in the corner laughing at something written by ‘Jewish Voice for Peace’. “OMG this guy is a pro! He supports BDS! He advocates for the ‘Right of Return’! He says ‘Israel/Palestine’ instead of Israel! And then he says he doesn’t understand why Israel isn’t too crazy about him visiting! And he did it all in a deadpan voice!” Then the man took a long hit from a bong that he somehow had smuggled into the focus group and continued. “You don’t have to be baked to truly appreciate the Forward’s comedy genius. But it helps.

With my magic glasses, I can’t see the Anti-Semites in my party, by Chuck Schumer

magic glassesOy vey ist mir! Great to see you! So did you know my last name comes from the Hebrew word “Shomer”? It means guardian! So I’m a guardian of the Jewish people! I hardly ever tell this story, except at every single Jewish event that I’ve attended for the last 40 years. Oy gevalt!

So how’s my Yiddish schtick? Straight out of the Catskills circa 1958, right? You know, it gives me great naches! And it lets me pretend that I’m still the leader of a political party that hasn’t completely thrown Israel under the bus! LOL! Meshugeneh! So what’s my secret? It’s these magic glasses I wear! Let me explain….

(We’re published on Israellycool today. Check out the entire story over there!)

The Daily Freier invites Lara Al-Qassem for brunch & Shopping in Dizengoff Center

Wuddup Girlfriend!

As the foremost source for great news here in the Zionist Entity, we at the Daily Freier want to offer you a heartfelt welcome! We know that you’ve had a rough couple of days, but we hope you’re settling in nicely up at Hebrew University!

Anyhoo, let’s meet up! Friday morning 11:00 at Dizengoff Center, Tel Aviv’s most A-MA-ZING spot for brunch and shopping! So you know how when it comes to when you stopped doing BDS, you sorta told the court one thing but the truth is really something else? Well Dizengoff Center is a lot like that. The signs say one thing, but you just sort of have to figure things out. But it’s totally worth it.

So let’s meet on the 3rd Floor. No not the 3rd Floor above Holmes Gym. The other side. Follow the bathroom sign until you get to where they removed the bathroom. Then pass the talking information kiosk that has its circuit board ripped out (really!)

Hey, do you want to download their Navigation App? Wait, it looks like you can only download the Hebrew version and you need the English. Well to be honest it probably is 6 of one half-dozen of the other anyway.

Anyways, go past the sketchy tattoo shop. Then go up the escalator that goes to the playground with the elephant butt slide. If you see us there, say hi!

Hugs,

The Daily Freier

 

Natalie Portman’s new film set in a Parallel Universe where Natalie Portman doesn’t say dumb sh*t

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/4/2018 at 2:15 PM

Hollywood: Critics and audiences are raving about the new Sci-Fi hit starring Natalie Portman. The Film titled “Being De-Woked“, is set in a reality where Natalie Portman does not feel the need to constantly make statements about current events that make Snooki sound like Margaret Thatcher. In the film, the Israeli Government notices that Hollyweird is turning Natalie dangerously “Woke“,  so they dispatch a crack team of time-traveling Frechot Commandos (names: Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav) to find Natalie in the year 2008, kidnap her, and bring her to a secret Mossad laboratory in the Mojave Desert where she undergoes a controversial “De-Wokeification” process, thus preventing the current reality of a “Woke” Natalie from ever taking place. (Spoiler Alert: the mission is almost compromised when Roni diverts the Time Machine so she can visit the Duty-Free at LAX).

(We’re published over on Israellycool today. Check us out!)