Yesterday, we released an ad without properly vetting, for a free all expenses-paid Shabbaton next Wednesday at IfNotNow’s Editor’s Dad’s Summer House outside of New Paltz. This ad is not in line with our values as an organization dedicated to stories about Dizengoff Center, Taglit jokes, the shortcomings of Jerusalem nightlife, and some occasional dunking on the Woke Dorks of Anti-Zionism. We are returning the money that we received for this ad, and will immediately begin a critical evaluation of our ad process and policies. Specifically, we will try to figure out how we missed them talking about JVP’s Acapella group performing “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahood” in Three Part Harmony. Also the part about Mairav Zonsein teaching everyone how to dance the Dabka until Ali Abunimah inevitably busts in and yells at her for appropriation. Same with the BDS puppet show based on Simone Zimmerman’s dream journal. Not to mention Ariel Gold’s amazing “Poetry Slam for Palestine” featuring some not so subtle references to her love-hate relationship with a certain Gay Israeli Mizrahi Indigenous Rights Activist.
Ithaca: And that’s Hen’s heart that’s breaking down this long-distance line tonight, but he ain’t missing Ariel at all. Since she’s been gone away. He ain’t missing her. No matter what his friends say…. Wait, where were we? Oh yeah. Noted anti-Zionist Ariel Gold has ended her tumultuous relationship with Mossad-funded Hasbara Guy Hen Mazzig. That’s right, the BDS/Zionist Power Couple is no more, before we could even think of a cute name for them like “Bennifer“.
For the past couple of years, self-described Jew-indigenous-to-Spain Ariel Gold feuded with Hen on the Internets, leading to such gems as the time she criticized his shirtless selfie, an amazing online debate for which the Daily Freier created Bingo cards, and the time Ariel tried to kidnap Hen’s pet rabbit. Sure, they broke up from time to time while Ariel yelled at Morton Klein or Ben Shapiro, but they always managed to continue their tumultuous online relationship.
So it was with heavy heart that the Daily Freier discovered that Ariel had recently dumped Hen. For a pine tree. Last week noted British actor Eddie Marsan wrote a nice post on Twitter about a tree planted in his honor by the Jewish Community of the United Kingdom. It all went downhill from there, with Ms. Gold replying with accusations of stolen land, ethnic cleansing, and… (checks notes) ….promoting forest fires. That’s right, there is another target of Ariel’s Anti-Zionist Righteous Indignation, and it’s a Pine Tree named Ido currently growing in the Shfela Region just south of Tel Gezer. With Ido the Pine Tree suddenly the new target of Ariel’s online activism/diary entries, naturally Hen began feeling like the losing end of an Evergreen Love Triangle. The Daily Freier contacted Mr. Mazzig for his take on Ariel branching outleaving breaking up with him for a member of the Coniferous family.
“I still haven’t processed this.” lamented Hen while staring at his coffee hafuch. “This is a complete shock. Just last week I was picking out a house for us in our indigenous land…. near Barcelona.”
The Daily Freier tried to cheer Hen up, noting that there were plenty of wacky and performative BDS activists from the Finger Lakes Region out there waiting to meet him, but he was inconsolable. “I’ve been dumped before for other men, for other women, once even for a cat. But what Ariel has done is the most humiliating thing I’ve ever experienced. I feel like I’ve been cuckolded by Etz HaHayim.“
We had more questions for Mr. Mazzig but he cut the interview short “because it’s time for Mincha.” As we got up to leave, we could hear Hen praying “Shema Spain Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Ehad.“
Editor’s Note: If you think this is the last you’re going to hear from Ido the Pine Tree, then you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.
Many us share a love for Young Adult Womens’ literature, but found it lacked a particular focus on boycotting a certain country. A country populated by certain Rootless Cosmopolitans who lacked a capacity for British irony. A country located to the Southwest of Syria, a nation whose leader I consider a friend. So imagine how chuffed I was upon hearing the news that Sally Rooney has decided not to translate her works into Hebrew.
As I told my comrades in the Islington Gardening Allotment this morning, Chick Lit finally has a champion in the struggle to erase the Zionist Entity for Palestine. Sally’s books now truly have “something for everyone”. Our steadfast colleague Diane Abbott noted that Sally’s female protagonists “displayterrible choices in men that remind me of some of the choices that I once made as a young woman.” I’m not sure what she’s referring to, but it sounds like a rather authentic endorsement.
Ms. Rooney’s stand is truly a breath of fresh air. For too many months, the Progressive Left in this nation has been hectored by a series of reactionary Kulaks Blairites spinning yarns such as “Why did Corbyn’s Labour rallies feature a sea of Palestinian flags but no Union Jacks?” Yet what these critics don’t understand is that the Northern Counties that abandoned Labour were not interested in jobs or their childrens’ education. Rather, they were waiting for a Woke Novelist to rally the Proletariat in the Struggle for Palestine.
Ms. Rooney, please consider yourself invited to my next High Tea at the House of Commons.
Brooklyn: There was celebration in the air last night when the election results were announced. That’s right, Peter Beinart was nominated to serve as Israel’s Next Top Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.* The prestigious award is bestowed upon the former friend of Israel whose Personal Journey has taken them the furthest on the Crazy Train to Woketown. While many worthy aspirants entered this year’s contest, in the end Mr. Beinart was the one who stood above the rest.
Remember your ex? The one who stole your goldfish? And when you asked for them back, (Preferred Pronoun) sent you a mix-tape of songs that you once listened to together, each with a clue as to where (Pronoun) hid the fishbowl? Well that Ex has a name, and it’s Peter.
Tel Aviv, The Old North: Israel is abuzz today with exciting news… The Daily Freier hired Omar Barghouti. That’s right, the founder of the BDS Movement has signed with the #1 Voice in Anglo-infused Israeli satire! Mr. Barghouti, long known for pushing a hard line on Boycotting the Jewish State unless, like, you know, it personally inconvenienced him, will now be a full-time writer. In fact, Omar hit the ground running by submitting a satire piece to the Jerusalem Post entitled “If Israel develops a Corona Virus Vaccine, you can take it.” The Daily Freier spoke to its writing staff on what Mr. Barghouti’s arrival meant to them.
”OMG, this guy is amazing.” noted Yekutiel Bornstein. “I hope he doesn’t mind that we used to say he looks like a chubby Buster Bluth.”
Aaron Pomerantz was simply in awe of his new colleague. “He’s so full of shit…. it’s….it’s…. Majestic.“
Of course, there have been some growing pains along the away for both sides, as Editor Yuval Weiss explained. “We asked him to do a satire piece where he pretends to study at Tel Aviv University….. and then he reminded us that he no-kidding studied at Tel Aviv University.”
Also, Mr. Barghouti will have to deal with the fact that our Unisex Restroom has a sign that says “Occupied”.
Ithaca: Ariel Gold is not afraid to take a stand. As a member of Code Pink she has stood against American Foreign Policy on topics such as Iran and Saudi Arabia. She is a noted critic of Israel and has clashed frequently online with Israeli advocates. Yet today Ariel is taking on her most dangerous opponent yet: Standard Written English.
For quite a while, Ms. Gold’s tweets have suffered from a certain lack of proofreading, such as this one and this one. It got so difficult to track what she was saying that we developed an app to make things easier for everyone. Now Ariel has laid down the gauntlet and declared war on proper spelling, grammar, syntax and other tools of World Zionism. We caught up with Ms. Gold as she prepared to picket her local food co-op.
“The spellcheck function is just there to police my words. What is this, ‘A Handmaid’s Tale?’ Helllooo! We say No to Spellcheck, No to Grammarly, No to Proofreading! From the River to the Sea!” The Daily Freier could have sworn that the pink bullhorn in Ariel’s hand was not there at the beginning of this conversation, but we sort of just let it go.
The Daily Freier challenged Ms. Gold that maybe people would take her political positions more seriously if she performed basic due diligence on her tweets, but she was adamant. “Seriously? Did Hen put you up to this?The only thing to check is your Privilege!”
As Ariel left for her protest, we extended our sincere appreciation for her tireless work against the malicious stereotype that all Jews are clever.
Tel Aviv: Israel’s Hasbara efforts suffered a crushing blow this weekend after a Category One Hurricane failed to show up for its scheduled appearance. Hurricanes are fairly rare in this part of the world, so there was quite a bit of anticipation building up for its arrival. Yet last minute lobbying forced the hurricane, who goes by “Bob”, to cancel his trip. The Daily Freier spoke with Bob as he wandered aimlessly off the coast of Cyprus.
“I just couldn’t take the pressure.” lamented Bob. “Which is ironic, because I’m supposed to thrive in fluctucations of barometric pressure, right?” Bob half-heartedly threw some rain clouds into the atmosphere and continued. “It started when my friend Gus the Tornado told me about the open letter from Roger Waters on the Weather Channel accusing me of ‘Climate Apartheid’. Then some bizarre cat lady started tweeting at me from her vacation to Iran. I couldn’t really understand her message, but she kept saying ‘Seriously, Bob?’…. I just felt unsafe.”
The Daily Freier asked Bob if he had any regrets about his canceled trip. “I really wanted to visit my family in Israel. The Flash Floods down south, my cousin Humidity, and of course my brother-in-law Boaz the Golani Cloud.”
Reaction from the BDS people was unsupringly giddy, with many of the usual suspects chiming in:
“Israel might have hypnotized the world, but it cannot hypnotize the weather. Me and my (EDITOR’S NOTE: Check CNN and insert name of current boyfriend/husband as of 5 AM Eastern Standard Time before this story goes to print) applaud the courage of Bob the Hurricane.” -Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat, Minnesota)
“If Bob the Hurricane truly wants to educate himself about Palestine, he can listen to the folk songs I heard growing up in my grandmother’s village. You know, songs like ‘Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahud’. or ‘Falastin Baladna Yahud Kalabna’ . Stuff like that.” – Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (Democrat, Michigan)
“What’s a Hurricane?” -Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes (Democrat, New York)
Reaction to Bob’s cancellation among the “Only in Israel!” crowd was unsurprisingly glum, forcing Taglit to cancel a planned stop at the Technion where a representative from ‘Stand With Us’ would explain how Israel invented hurricanes in the mid-1980’s using only solar panels, Waze, and Dead Sea skin products.
Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has done it again, releasing an exciting App this week to great fanfare. ‘That’s Gold!’ is an application for Iphone and Android users that alerts you whenever noted BDS supporter/Deep Thinker Ariel Gold says or does something ridiculous. The Daily Freier wandered down to that WeWork office near Rothschild (no not that one, the other one) in order to meet the creators of this amazing application.
“With our ‘That’s Gold!‘ app, we provide our customer with a one-stop shop to stay up to date on the latest dumb shit that Ariel came up with.” explained lead engineer Pinchas G. “Our state of the art algorithm pulls data from Ariel’s Twitter feed, Code Pink press releases, and the comments section for Hen Mazzig’s pet rabbit’s Instagram page.” Pinchas feverishly typed a line of code on his Macintosh and continued. “The 2.0 version even has a feature that notifies you whenever she uses a Yiddish phrase incorrectly.”
Well if you think this App is selling like latkes in December, you are correct. The Daily Freier ran into a number of happy customers on Rothschild Boulevard.
“OMG This is A-Ma-Zing!” extolled Arielle (NOT Ariel) C. “This gives me something to do whenever the Daily Freier is going through Writer’s Block.”
Unfortunately, not all of the feedback was positive. The Daily Freier stumbled upon Alert Local Ronit S. as she desperately tried to silence her beeping Iphone at the coffee kiosk on the corner of Allenby. “Ariel just got into a one-way argument with Jason Greenblatt and now my phone won’t shut off…..thanks a lot.”
The Daily Freier looks forward to Ms. Gold’s inevitable response to this story, because it would no doubt trigger this app, thereby becoming the most Meta thing like ever.
Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: Law enforcement moved swiftly in the early morning hours, safeguarding a local rabbit from credible threats. “Shani” is a white angora, and the pet of noted Israel Advocate/Indigenous Rights Activist/Shirtless Selfie afficionado Hen Mazzig. So when noted Code Pink Activist/BDS fan/that one really annoying girl in your NFTY Youth Group Ariel Gold escalated her one-way Twitter feud with Hen, police whisked Shani off to an undisclosed location. The Daily Freier spoke with a visibly frightened Hen at a local cafe.
“This all happened so quickly.” Hen said as he nervously picked at his shakshuka. “One moment Shani and I were just chilling on the balcony people-watching, and then all of a sudden the cops show up and say she has only 2 minutes to pack a bag…. she didn’t even have a chance to finish her carrots and celery smoothie.”
The Daily Freier asked Hen what specifically caused the latest crisis. “At first, it was all sort of innocent. You know, Ariel body-shaming me and teaching me important lessons about my Mizrahi heritage. Then shit just got weird. Stuff about my secret payments from the Israeli Government. Honestly, for a moment I thought I was reading the Forward.” Hen looked nervously around the cafe and continued. “Finally, she tweeted something at me about Ilhan Omar and AIPAC. I couldn’t really understand what she was saying, girlfriend could use a spellcheck once in a while…. but the bottom line is she is not going to be ignored.”
Finally, the Daily Freier was able to Skype with Shani from her undisclosed location. “Things are OK in the Safe House. Apparently I’m not the first animal that stayed here.” The Daily Freier asked Shani if she has any regrets. “The real tragedy is that I absolutely LOVE Glenn Close movies….. I hope this doesn’t ruin them for me.”
As the Daily Freier was about to end the interview, a visibly relieved Shani noted that Ariel had moved on to yelling back and forth with Morton Klein.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.