By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/25/2018 at 12:00 PM
Manhattan: In another journalistic breakthrough from their ongoing investigation of Jews who support the Zionist Entity, the Forward has dropped a bombshell bound to shake the Jewish World to its core. Specifically, there are very credible rumors that Israel/Indigenous Rights advocate Hen Mazzig might be….you may want to sit down for this one…. GAY. Yeah, we know. We were just as surprised as you are. But it’s investigative reporting of this caliber that we’ve come to expect from the journalistic standard-bearer for Jews who like being Jewish but don’t like….there’s no delicate way to say this….. Israel, most Israeli people, the Israeli Government, and probably Israeli pets. The Forward, which has done some a-ma-zing work ever since it decided to go Fully Woke, has apparently decided to answer the rhetorical question that we all have asked at one point after taking the entire bag of edibles at once: “Hey! How would Linda Sarsour’s Twitter feed look if she joined a Bundist Yiddish theater troupe in Williamsburg?”
The Daily Freier was able to Skype with Aiden Pink, the author of the Forward’s stunning exposé of Mr. Mazzig. We congratulated Mr. Pink on his previous article alleging that Hen is in fact an Israeli agent. “Yeah, that story really broke everything wide open, didn’t it?” Aiden explained. “You see, I wanted to shed light on this secret Israeli conspiracy to influence American society, and for the cover photo we superimposed Hen’s face onto a background with the Star of David and some Shekels.” Aiden paused for a moment and reflected. “Wait, do you think that was too subtle?” (Real World Spoiler Alert: They Really Really Did This.)
The Daily Freier then asked Mr. Pink how The Forward discovered that Hen might be gay, and he replied that they first became suspicious when Hen wore that killer suit to the Algemeiner Awards Gala, with no visible wife or girlfriend to dress him. The Daily Freier then asked Aidan what difference any of this would make.
Aiden: By showcasing prominent LGBT citizens, Israel often engages in Pinkwashing.
The Freier: So by ‘Pinkwashing’ do you mean ‘telling the truth about LGBT rights in Israel and telling the truth about LGBT persecution in the Arab and Muslim world’?
Aiden: …..(pause)….. Is there another definition?
The Freier: Moving on to the topic of Hen’s Secret Agent identity. Specifically, what proof did The Forward have of this accusation?
Aiden: He literally worked for the Israeli Government. He served in the Army!
The Freier: But by your standards, all the Jews, Druze, and Circassians in Israel could also be suspected agents.
Aiden: Wait, So what you’re saying is, in a country with universal conscription, literally everyone was in the military?
The Freier: Uh Huh.
Aiden: So my accusation that Hen was an Israeli agent could also be leveled at your Vaad Bayit?
The Freier: Uh huh.
Aiden: And the pretty Mizrahi girl with big hair & giant red acrylic fingernails who works at the phone kiosk in the mall?
The Freier: Uh huh
Aiden: And the guy on Rothschild who keeps trying to sell you a subscription to Haaretz?
The Freier: Uh Huh!
Aiden: Same with the guy at the juice stand on the corner who keeps hitting on the Taglit girls?
The Freier: Uh huh!
Aiden: And the woman on the Number 4 bus yesterday who told a complete stranger that if she wanted to be skinnier, she should stop eating pastries?
The Freier: Uh huh!
Aiden: OMG, it’s almost as if I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about when I wrote the article.
The Freier: We’ve just had what our Therapist calls “a breakthrough”. And this is the sound of us hugging you from 4000 miles away. OMG…. Did we just have a Moment???
UPDATE: The Daily Freier has independently determined that Mr. Mazzig is in fact NOT a paid agent of the Jooz, because the one time we met for brunch in Tel Aviv, at no point did he offer to pick up the check.