(Based on a True Story!)
By Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 6/23/2016 at 12:40 PM
Tel Aviv, Allenby: Israeli stocks were in free fall this morning as the crisis involving a group of Australians sequestered inside a Tel Aviv Bracelet Bar enters its second week. Last Thursday, a group of seven Australian backpackers entered a “Bracelet Bar” on Allenby in Central Tel Aviv, and have until now not departed the premises. The seven tourists continue to drink alcohol at a rate that Israeli’s Industry is simply not prepared to accommodate, as for Israelis having six drinks is the “craziest night”, whereas in Australia this could in fact be “breakfast”. As the guests continued to consume stocked inventory, the bar owner was first forced to place a lien on his apartment before defaulting to his business’s Insurance Provider. As the Australians discovered “Tubi” on Sunday, the Insurance Provider went into default, leaving beer distributors and peanut wholesalers with massive unpaid bills for goods provided.
As the Crisis continued to eat through the Israeli Economy, the Government summoned the Australian Ambassador on Wednesday. After discussions described as “frank” the Ambassador dispatched a Consular Team to the bar to repatriate their bogans citizens. However, upon learning the selection of drinks available in unlimited quantities for as little as 68 Shekels, the team elected to stay “for a beer” and have since been absorbed into the original group.
The Daily Freier was able to speak to one of the Australians during a momentary lull in service during Shift Change. “Mike” then explained how the Crisis originated. “We were walking back to our hostel from the beach and we passed a bar. The hostess asked us if we wanted to buy a bracelet. I asked her what a bracelet was and she explained that it allowed you to drink as much as you wanted to…… And I thought to myself “If we had this back home we would burn the ****ng country down.” Mike continued to describe what would happen if Australia ever got bracelet bars until a man later identified as his father interjected to share an anecdote about his son’s comparatively “lightweight” drinking habits that involved a father-son trip, Thailand, and vomit. (Editor’s Note: This paragraph actually really kind of happened once!)
A Police Hostage Negotiation Team has been called in and are currently attempting to lure the Australians out of the bar with the promise of “Macca’s“.