By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3 August 2026 at 20:00

Nahal Taninim, Israel: Israel’s Alligator population acted swiftly today, breaking off all official ties with National Security Minister Itamar Ben Gvir. Mr. Ben Gvir has been in talks to build moats filled with alligators around Israeli prisons (Really!) but this morning the Israeli Council of Alligators denied any part in Mr. Ben Gvir’s plans.

“We are cold blooded reptiles who prey on birds, small mammals, and the occasional stray tourist.” explained SpokesGator Uri P. at a hastily assembled Press Conference. “Please do not associate us with this clown.“

The Daily Freier spoke with several other alligators at the press conference, including an adult female named Gila. “We have worked so hard to protect our reputation in Israel.” Gila complained as she chewed on sunflower seeds and drank coffee hafuch. “Then this fool Ben Gvir ruins 20 years of hard work in a day. He should bring a different animal species into his Meshuga schemes. Maybe sharks. Maybe dolphins. I hear the Mossad has a bunch of them on their payroll.”

Word of the Alligator Community’s break with Ben Gvir soon reached the Office of the Prime Minister, leading Mr. Netanyahu to promise the alligators draft exemptions and increased education stipends if they agreed to stay in his Coalition.

As the Daily Freier went to print with this story, unconfirmed reports indicated that Ben Gvir was looking for “sharks with frickin laser beams.“