Tel Aviv: It’s the question that so many men are asking today: “Is she Shomer Negiya or does she just not want to touch me?” Avi G., an office worker from Givatayim is unwilling to admit that Roni, his new co-worker is simply ‘not into him’. At all. “She must be some sort of religious fanatic who won’t touch men.” lamented Avi. “I mean, why else would she refuse to give me a hug?”
The Daily Freier sat down with Roni at Cafe Aroma for a nice girl chat, and she admitted that although she isn’t actually religious, a bit of Yiddishkeit is actually a good reason to avoid awkward social interactions with creepy male co-workers. “Avi is loud and tells bad jokes and his cologne smells like the inside of Tel Aviv’s central bus station.” she said “He kept inviting me for coffee, but he stopped since I told him that all the coffee shops around here have a bad hecscher. He tries to hug me, so I told him that shomer negiyah is very important to me.” Roni, who now goes by her new Hebrew name “Neshama Emunah Temima“, admits that pretending to be religious has lots of other perks. “I told my boss that I needed the day off for the fast of Asara b’Teves and he agreed…. I don’t think he even knows what the fast of Asara b’Teves is, but you know, it sounds plausible and hey… it’s a day off!”
In addition to the workplace, Roni’s status as a sort-of–baalat teshuva has proven invaluable in other spheres of life as well. “My roommate just got back from India and thinks that she’s a curry expert now… So pretending to keep Kosher is the nicest way to avoid eating her garbage kitchen experiments.” she explained.
Yet this new life did not come easy. “I took the bus to Jerusalem so I could to meet up with my frum American cousin Esty who is spending the year doing Sem. And I just followed her around for the day so I could copy what she wears and a few key phrases. Now I just pepper my conversation with phrases like Shidduchim, Refuah shelaima…. and a bunch of other things she showed me on A Sem Girl Says!”
Epilogue: Roni‘s co-workers have been very supportive of her new religious identity, although Fabricio, a former model and recent Oleh from Spain “with the really cute accent” was disappointed. “She seemed like a fun girl and I wanted to ask her out to the new bracelet bar. But you know…. I think she’s too religious. So instead I went with Maygal the Frecha office temp from Ashdod.“
Tel Aviv: The city is abuzz this weekend with some exciting action: the competition to be named “Tel Aviv’s Next Top Shitty Bartender“. Tel Aviv Municipality’s Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. explained. “While it’s true that the Imperial Cocktail Bar was recognized as the Best in the Middle East, we felt that this discriminated against one of the Start-Up Nation’s Core Competencies: Indifferent or Slightly Hostile Customer Service.” Safir took the Daily Freier down to the competition site on Ben Yehuda Street to scope out the talent.
The Municipality had set up a mock bar where competitors were run through realistic scenarios to include:
“Customer just interrupted you while you were texting your boyfriend.“
“Customer wants ice.”
“Customer at all-you-can-drink event has the chutzpah to ask for another drink.”
While all of the competitors were amazing, some simply stood out for their awesome lack of a give-a-shit. The Daily Freier spoke with one of the stars, a guy named Avner, about the events so far.
“So these people kept annoying the hell out of me. Just really stressing me out. What do you call those idiots who hang around the bar asking for things when you’re trying to check Tinder or work on your Start-up?”
The Daily Freier helpfully added “Customers?”
“Yeah that’s it. Anyways, these ‘Customers‘ kept bothering me. I mean, it’s not like I work for tips or anything.”
The Daily Freier then spoke with Romi, who seemed a bit frustrated from one of the tougher scenarios: “Giving the customer change“.
“OK, this guy gave me 200 shekels for a 135 shekel bill.” explained Romi. “So the idiot kept waiting for me to give him some money back or something. Whatever. I just assumed that the rest was my tip. I mean, I’m kinda hot.”
After being tested for three hours, Sapir was ready to crown a guy named Yoav the winner. Unfortunately Yoav stepped out for a smoke break thirty minutes earlier and had not yet returned.
Tel Aviv, Allenby: Israeli stocks were in free fall this morning as the crisis involving a group of Australians sequestered inside a Tel Aviv Bracelet Bar enters its second week. Last Thursday, a group of seven Australian backpackers entered a “Bracelet Bar” on Allenby in Central Tel Aviv, and have until now not departed the premises. The seven tourists continue to drink alcohol at a rate that Israeli’s Industry is simply not prepared to accommodate, as for Israelis having six drinks is the “craziest night”, whereas in Australia this could in fact be “breakfast”. As the guests continued to consume stocked inventory, the bar owner was first forced to place a lien on his apartment before defaulting to his business’s Insurance Provider. As the Australians discovered “Tubi” on Sunday, the Insurance Provider went into default, leaving beer distributors and peanut wholesalers with massive unpaid bills for goods provided.
As the Crisis continued to eat through the Israeli Economy, the Government summoned the Australian Ambassador on Wednesday. After discussions described as “frank” the Ambassador dispatched a Consular Team to the bar to repatriate their bogans citizens. However, upon learning the selection of drinks available in unlimited quantities for as little as 68 Shekels, the team elected to stay “for a beer” and have since been absorbed into the original group.
The Daily Freier was able to speak to one of the Australians during a momentary lull in service during Shift Change. “Mike” then explained how the Crisis originated. “We were walking back to our hostel from the beach and we passed a bar. The hostess asked us if we wanted to buy a bracelet. I asked her what a bracelet was and she explained that it allowed you to drink as much as you wanted to…… And I thought to myself “If we had this back home we would burn the ****ng country down.” Mike continued to describe what would happen if Australia ever got bracelet bars until a man later identified as his father interjected to share an anecdote about his son’s comparatively “lightweight” drinking habits that involved a father-son trip, Thailand, and vomit. (Editor’s Note: This paragraph actually really kind of happened once!)
A Police Hostage Negotiation Team has been called in and are currently attempting to lure the Australians out of the bar with the promise of “Macca’s“.
Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Tel Aviv University graduate students Melissa P. and Kate D. have adopted “The Right of Return” in their ongoing dispute with a bracelet bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda. The women’s ordeal began earlier this evening around 8:30 PM local time when they arrived at the establishment, purchasing the ’79 Shekel Red Bracelets’, allowing an unlimited amount of house wine, draft beer, and mixed drinks. After spending several hours at the establishment getting, as one bystander noted, “hella wasted”, the ladies departed the bar. It is at this point that the narratives of the protagonists in this ordeal diverge, with bar hostess Anat L. claiming that the ladies voluntarily left their seats and set out toward Dizengoff Street, while Melissa and Kate insisting that they were forcibly evicted from their land seats and cast out of the bar “for like no reason”. The Daily Freier spoke with Anat for her perspective on this ongoing tragedy.
“Those two were out of control, but I guess the manager likes them. Anyway, I told them that after 10 PM there is a noise ordinance, and if they want to stay outside they need to keep it down. Well that led to an eye roll or two. I had to go back to talk with them two more times. On the last trip over there, Kate just said “F– this, we’re out, and they stormed off….. Of course they came back like 30 minutes later because, and I quote, “the other place sucked”. But by that time newcomers had settled at their table. And to just let them back in would totally disrupt the current demographics of the bar……Welcome to Israel.”
The Daily Freier was also able to speak with Melissa and Kate for their side of the story. Melissa shared her perspective; “Whatever the hostess told you is total crap. She hates us. She basically ran us off, and then turned around and said that we left on our own accord. I mean yeah we left, but only because we knew that our friend Ran’s shift starts at 11 and that if we came back he would take care of us at the bar. But when we came back, our chairs were occupied. The whole thing was a disaster……wait, I should know this…..how do you say ‘disaster’ in Arabic???”
Kate was equally adamant that an injustice had occurred; “We bought these bracelets, and they’re good all night. Our right of return is inalienable and cannot simply be negotiated away.” When the Daily Freier asked Kate what kind of repercussions might occur if their wishes were not respected, she noted “If they think they can just get away with this shit, I will boycott them forever……or at least until next Wednesday. That’s old school hip-hop night.”
Tel Aviv, Sheinken: The city is going crazy about popular local website Secret Tel Aviv’s new interactive map, with Secret Tel Aviv’s key demographic groups leading the way. The doctor-phobic, who previously had to crowd-source their medical diagnosis on the site, can now meet up and consult with like-minded people as a completely suitable and safe substitute for actually, like, you know, going to the doctor and stuff. In addition, strangers can now find the exact location of that piece-o-crap couch you’ve been trying to sell for 100 ₪. Most importantly, Tel Aviv residents finally have a better way to source a sweater for their pet chickens. The Daily Freier talked to some of the map’s biggest fans yesterday at that coffee shop on Ben Yehuda near Frischmann.
“This new map is AMAZING!!!” enthused MASA Program participant Melissa C. as she consulted with several like-minded residents whom she had just met through the map. “Now, let’s say you met a really nice guy who is a Lone Soldier? And you had an amazing time with him last week at the beach before he had to go back to the Negev? But now, you have, like, a persistent rash on your left arm and stuff? Now maybe you can find out, like, what it is?” Melissa’s voice trailed off as she continued; “…….Asking for a friend.”
Despite the enthusiasm for the new product, not everyone in the community shares in the excitement. The Daily Freier caught up with its old friend, Yossi the Talking Household Mold, and talked to him about his views on this new application. As he tidied up his new place on Bograshov and hung a framed picture of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef (Z”L) up on the wall, Yossi shared some of his observations about the Map. “When I first heard about the Map, I gotta admit, I was kind of excited. Like, now I can learn prevailing wind conditions for the coming weeks, the addresses of prominent shputzniks and how to avoid living near them, maybe find out which buildings in Central Tel Aviv contain sub-standard weather proofing around their windows. That kind of stuff, news I can use….. But when I open up the map, it’s all henna tattoos and bracelet bars. So yeah; if me and my fellow bridesmaids want to get white-girl wasted the night before our best friends’ Indian-themed wedding on the beach, I’m all for it. But until then? Thanks but I’ll pass.”
The Daily Freier wanted to continue mocking Secret Tel Aviv’s new map, but is secretly hoping to get some sort of widget for its newspaper included in this exciting and ground-breaking new application.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.