Tag: Conversion to Judaism

Peter Beinart, Tikkun Olam

Peter Beinart converts to As-A-Jewdaism

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/22/2019 at 10:00 AM

Brooklyn: Excitement was in the air today as a leading As-A-Jewish pundit took the plunge and embraced the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. Noted critic of Israeli policies Peter Beinart dipped into the mikvah at Brooklyn’s Congregration Gates of Self-Righteousness and became a part of the As-A-Jewish people. The Daily Freier was on the scene to share in the simchas.

As the Congregation waited for the ceremony to begin, machers from the various denominations of As-A-Jewdaism milled about in the Jewish Lobby: Bundists, Julia Carmel Bat Dolezal, IfNotNow, Jew-ish Voice for Peace, and some writers for the Forward.  Then a hush fell on the crowd as Rabbi Ari L. Gold and Mr. Beinart walked into the room. Rabbi Gold welcomed the audience. “This is an amazing day for me As A Jew as we welcome Peter to the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. As a Jew I feel that Peter will be a great addition to our movement.”

The crowd remained silent as they waited for Mr. Beinart’s response.

“As a Jew I agree with you!” exclaimed Peter to wild applause.

Peter then gave a moving Dvar Torah, that felt kinda like a laundry list of why he thinks Israel sucks and kinda like a Taylor Swift breakup song. He mentioned Trump a lot. And Bibi of course. Also Marc Lamont Hill’s dreaminess. Honestly, there was a lot to unpack. But eventually he finished and then everyone went downstairs to the Social Hall/Food Co-Op for the reception. The Daily Freier was excited to ask the congregants about their fascinating religion.

“You see, As-A-Jewdaism has the same Holy Books as Traditional Judaism, we just interpret them differently.” explained Jesse from IfNotNow. “Also, we use a lot of Yiddish. Because Israelis don’t. And if we don’t know what a cool-sounding Yiddish word actually means, we use it anyway. Like ‘kvelling’. Because As A Jew!”

“Honestly, I never thought this would happen so quickly.” enthused Christine from Jew-ish Voice for Peace. “I mean, by converting before the High Holidays, Peter is giving up an incredible opportunity to write one of his “Crisis of the Soul” think-pieces for Haaretz about why some combination of the Kol Nidre service, Ivanka, and Breaking the Silence caused him to make this decision.” Christine lowered her voice to a whisper and moved in closer. “I’m telling you, even the bookies in Las Vegas were shocked by how fast Peter made the switch.”

Finally, the Daily Freier was able to talk to the man of the hour, Mr. Beinart. “I just hope that my actions As A Jew send a signal. You know, about my virtue. Oh, and also about the fast-growing religion of As-A-Jewdaism.” The Daily Freier asked Mr. Beinart if the conversion process was difficult. “Honestly, I’ve been on this road for quite a while, so it just felt natural.” Peter paused for a moment and continued. “Best of all, they didn’t make me do another Brit Milah because I was already an insufferable prick.”

Judaism

Olah Hadashah competing to be named ‘Israel’s Most Annoying Convert 2018’

Daily FreierBy Yekutiel Bornstein & Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/18/2018 at 12:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: A recent immigrant to Israel is currently chasing her dream: to be named this year’s Most Annoying Convert to Judaism. Rakhel (NOT Rachel) is hopeful, but she knows the competition is tight. You see, converting to Judaism is about as simple as trying to move money from your bank branch in Tel Aviv to your bank branch in Haifa on the same day that you convert your American driver’s license while lacking your complete driving history since the age of 16. So the people who actually follow through on the whole Balagan in order to join the Most Hated Group of People on Earth™ tend to be…..ummm…. really driven. And umm….. really focused on letting you know just how Jewish they are. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier was also able to speak with some of her friends from before her conversion was complete.

“I love spending time with Rakhel and I’m so proud of her.” explained her old friend Devorah. “But ‘Baruch Hashem, I caught the bus at 5:00 Baruch HaShem.’ Yeah, I get it. Baruch HaShem….. Also last time she stopped by my house, she dropped off some pre-cut toilet paper, for just in case she’s ever here on Shabbat.”

In addition the Daily Freier spoke with George, a gentile co-worker who has known Rakhel for 6 years. “I don’t really understand Judaism, but I know that Jewish people always sell me their bread on Pesach and buy it back the next week. And I’m fine with that.” he explained. “But this year after Rakhel sold me her bread, she refused to buy it back the next week because she had stopped eating that hechscher.”

Finally, we were able to meet up with Rakhel after she finished buying a bunch of vegetables at the Shuk that she intends to cook into a stew and store in her second freezer before she serves it to you at a Shabbat lunch 11 months from now.

“I never thought I had a chance.” explained Rakhel as we sipped coffee in a cafe with a hechscher that is more strict than your cafe’s hechscher.  “But then Neta won Eurovision and now I know that anything is possible if a girl puts her mind to it…… you know, it wouldn’t hurt Neta to dress a little more Tznius.”

We also decided to split a slice of carrot cake, and when it arrived Rakhel made the brachos. Really loud. Really Really loud.  As the conversation continued, the Daily Freier noticed the sheer volume of Yiddish terms that Rakhel was inserting into the conversation, which was weird because she converted in a Sephardic Community. Also, she told the bewildered Coca Cola delivery guy that she was Shomeret Negiyah.

“This Derech has not been easy.” admonished Rakhel. “I had to give away all of my old dishes because they were once used for treif. Also the table that the dishes once rested on. And the clothes I once wore while eating treif. And oh yeah I needed to move apartments….. because treif.”