By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/3/2019 at 11:00 AM
Tel Aviv: There’s a hot new Netflix film called “Red Sea Diving Resort”, and people in Israel can’t stop talking about it! The film tells the story of the Mossad’s clandestine operation to rescue Ethiopian Jews in the 1980’s and bring them home to Israel. But perhaps the most unbelievable part is that in order to make the mission succeed, the Mossad set up a really good hotel. That’s right. An Israeli hotel that was affordable AND with good customer service! The Daily Freier wandered around Central Tel Aviv pestering random strangers for their feelings on this crazy tale.
“Amazing!” enthused Ron C. as he sat on a bench on Dizengoff. “The way the Mossad went “deep undercover” by teaching their agents to treat the customers like ‘customers’ instead of ‘somebody stopping me from taking a smoke break.’ I mean, this didn’t just happen overnight. Ron took a drag from his cigarette and continued. “The flashback scenes were perfect: The meticulous planning, including a mock-up of the hotel where the waiters were specially trained not to throw their menus at the customers and demand tips! I felt like I was there!”
“I was sitting on the edge of my seat with suspense!” remarked Alert Local Ronit S. “I mean, the most suspenseful scene? Probably when they almost blew their cover after a customer asked for ice and Chris Evans laughed and said ‘This isn’t America’. You could just cut the tension with a knife until he recovered, smiled, said he was just joking, and brought a full carafe of ice.”
The Daily Freier then solicited the opinion of tourist Jessica H. “So the scene where the unsuspecting European tourists check in, and the Mossad is running Zodiac boats just 200 meters away? That was cool, but the whole time I was thinking, ‘Wait, someone cleaned their rooms!’ Also, Mossad Headquarters got a native English speaker to proofread all of the signs in the hotel so that they didn’t just say ridiculous nonsense! I couldn’t believe it!”
As the article went to print, several Facebook groups popped up with Israelis asking the Mossad to take over hotels in Mitzpe Ramon, Eilat, and basically all of Tiberias.
By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 4/13/2019 at 3:00 PM
Tel Aviv, The Old North: The city of Tel Aviv has a little more equality these days, and people are excited. You see, it used to be that in order to park like a total dick, you needed to be able to afford a car. No Longer! Today with the huge success of rental companies like Mobike, Bird, and Lime, parking like a sociopath is within everyone’s reach. The Daily Freier walked the streets of Tel Aviv to find out just how big a deal this is.
“I love the freedom that this gives me.” explained local dick Dan G. as he dropped his Lime on the sidewalk in front of a cafe. “I always thought making other people’s’ lives difficult with bad parking was just for the rich guys who could afford a car and a permit. But now, I can really make my mark on the city!”
“Not caring about how my actions affected other people used to be so difficult without a car.” noted Ron C. “But with my Bird, it’s so easy making life inconvenient for my fellow Tel Avivians. This is even better than matkot!”
“Annoying my neighbors used to be so hard.” reminisced North Tel Aviv resident Guy S. “But now, with my Bird, I can block paths to schools and create a public hazard on a budget! Only in Israel!”
Tune in next week when the Daily Freier visits the Rabbanut to learn the halakhic ramifications of parking your bike on the sidewalk.
By Emily Goldstein & Mark Levy
Last Updated 12/22/2018 at 12:50 PM
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: Hot Mobile announced that as of yesterday afternoon, it has screwed more recent immigrants to Israel than that really cute soldier on your Birthright bus who could also play guitar. The Daily Freier attended an emotional Press Conference at one of Hot’s kiosks in Dizengoff Center.
“This just means a lot to all of us.” announced Hot’s spokesperson Dorit H. “But now we have screwed more Olim than Danny, the soldier assigned to your Taglit group who wrote 5 poems to 6 girls, and showed 3 other girls the star constellations, ‘because the Negev sky is so clear at night’. We were going to announce it on our Website, but to be honest, we haven’t really updated it in a while, so why start now?”
Dorit wiped a tear from her eyes and continued. “The competition has been strong. Pelephone and Cellcom? Their contracts are also slightly harder to understand than Gemara, but slightly easier to escape from than an Iranian jail. But in the end, it was our blend of gaslighting, bait and switch, and just hanging up on customers that won out.”
The Daily Freier then asked Dorit if this amazing story had yet been picked up by any of the Big Names in Israeli Media “Of Course!” she replied. “Just last week the Jerusalem Post published a personal account of one Olah’s quest to try to get a refund for services she did not ask for but we charged her for anyway. You should read the whole thing! It’s like a mix of the boat trip in ‘Heart of Darkness’ and that Horror Movie ‘The Ring’. Except in this movie, nobody calls you back.”
When the Daily Freier challenged Dorit on some of the details of Hot’s Announcement, she told us to publicly Tweet our phone number to Hot’s Twitter account for a follow-up. Then she blocked us.
By Yekutiel Bornstein and Mark Levy
Last Updated 11/15/2018 at 3:00 PM
The Technion, Haifa: Scientists at Israel’s prestigious Technion are currently hard at work attempting to solve one of the World’s most intractable mysteries. Cold fusion? Nope, they’ve already found a source of renewable energy. The mystery of the weird posts on popular community page Secret Tel Aviv? Nope, they’ve solved that too! Trying to figure out why the Homeland of the Jewish People still has not even made a bagel as good as….. ummm… Dunkin Donuts? Yes! And in terms of “Problems facing self-absorbed Ashkenazi Olim from North America“, this situation is basically our Code-Red Alert. So it makes sense that the greatest scientific minds in the Jewish world would seek to tackle this problem. The Daily Freier went up to Haifa to figure out just how we will solve this Crisis.
The project’s lead scientist, Dr. Shmuel C. greeted the Daily Freier and quickly ushered us into their experimental “Bagel Lab“, which looked a lot like a Queens, New York bakery circa 1981, complete with linoleum floors, fluorescent lights, and a set of bells on the door that jingled when you opened it. In fact, just to really nail the whole effect, they built a Carvel Ice Cream shop in the adjoining lab. “We know that the Startup Nation can bring a good bagel to Israel.” explained Dr. Shmuel. “I mean, how hard could this possibly be? Look, we built a high-speed rail line already and it will take you non-stop from Jerusalem to….wait…. never mind…but still, we got this!”
The Daily Freier then sampled some of the prototypes, and they were just as good as any bagel we’ve had so far in Israel, meaning they tasted like the foam from your couch cushion dipped in sesame seeds. “Do you like it?” asked Dr. Shmuel. “The same expert who designed this prototype previously helped McDonalds-Israel Division attain their amazing tasting burgers!” Or course he did.
Trying to lend a hand, the Daily Freier asked Dr. Shmuel some questions about their process: “So when you boil the bagel before you…..” but he quickly cut us off and said “Wait…..Boil the bagel before you bake it? That doesn’t even make any sense.”
By Mark Levy and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Derech Menachem Begin: Today the Start-Up Nation’s Ministry of the Interior revealed its new slogan: “Better than a Saudi Consulate!“, reminding its customers that despite long lines, unannounced closures, and indifferent service…… your chances of getting taken out by a Saudi hit squad are extremely low. The Daily Freier attended a press conference at their Tel Aviv office after receiving a press invite via fax.
“We are very proud of our customer service standards.” explained Ministry of the Interior spokesperson Nava K. “After negotiations between our Union and the Government broke down last week, we staged an unannounced work slowdown…. But Hey! All of our customers survived! Only in Israel!”
The Daily Freier asked Nava if, much like Israeli carrier El Al, the Ministry was perhaps suffering from low expectations. But she was insistent. “If Mr. Khashoggi had come to our office instead of the Istanbul Consulate, he would still be alive! Of course, he might not have gotten service yet because our computer skipped the number he had taken from the kiosk…. but one should not be too picky. Welcome to Israel!”
As the Press Conference came to an end, Nava announced that the Interior Ministry has begun an Efficiency Campaign for speedier customer service….. led by experts from Israel’s High Speed Rail network.
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM
Jerusalem Navon Station: There were cheers and celebrations today in Start-Up Nation after a High Speed Train came, like, “this close” to making the Tel Aviv-Jerusalem run quicker than a “very fast” sherut. You see, the High Speed rail is something that Israel is quite proud of. Even though it took 18 years to build just 50 kilometers of line. And you have to switch trains at the Airport. And the first leg is on a normal train. And you are supposed to make reservations on line. But they don’t check. And the train drops you in the Jerusalem railroad station approximately 3 Gazillion meters underground. And the escalator ride to the top lasts longer than some Tel Aviv relationships. But anyhoo, today the ride was extra fast. So fast in fact that there were moments when it appeared that the train might overtake the Sherut (a shared minibus taxi) that had left Tel Aviv’s Central Bus Station at the same time that the train had left Tel Aviv’s Savidor Station. The Daily Freier went up to Jerusalem to get all the facts.
“We are quite proud of our High Speed rail’s performance today.” explained Israel Rail spokesperson Sarit K. “Our riders got here almost as quickly as people who rode in a van from the 1980’s.” Sarit continued. “In addition, we feel it isn’t very fair to make the comparison. I mean, we were up against Moti, one of their more aggressive Sherut drivers.” Sarit dropped her voice to a whisper. “I heard that he didn’t even stop at all of the red lights either.“
The Daily Freier asked Sarit if maybe High Speed Rail would aim for a higher metric than beating a minibus. “Today we almost beat a Sherut. Who knows, maybe in 2019 we will almost beat the Number 480 Bus.”
UPDATE: In an effort to make their High Speed Rail even more competitive with traditional forms of mass transit, Israel Rail announced that all trains will now play tinny high-pitched Israeli music from the 1970’s out of busted out speakers, display a weathered photo of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef on the dashboard, and have an old compact disc hanging from the conductor’s rear view mirror.
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 8/9/2018 at 6:15 PM
Tel Aviv: Security experts are in a state of alarm today after an Israeli man successfully built a gun using a 3-D Fax Machine. Tel Aviv inventor Udi R. posted a YouTube video last night demonstrating how he built a 9MM pistol using the controversial “3-D Fax Technology“. While the rest of the world sort of “moved on” from Fax machines some time around the final season of “Sex and the City“, here in Start-Up Nation the fax machine is still humming along and is often the only way a government office will accept documents! In fact, Israelis have found many versatile uses for the fax machine, so it only makes sense that someone would use it to build a 3-D gun. The Daily Freier spoke with Udi about his newfound notoriety.
“The Fax machine has fascinated me, ever since the city building inspector accused me of not living in my apartment as we spoke…in my apartment.” explained Udi as we sipped Kafe Kar in a North Tel Aviv cafe. “Then I faxed my lease to his office and he was happy and left me alone after that. So I thought to myself… This device? It’s magical! It can do anything! And then I started working on building a 3-D Fax.”
Experts voiced their concerns about Udi’s invention, with American gun control groups calling for a ban on 3-D faxes, once they are able to find a working fax machine.
Udi says his next project is to fax himself a 200 gram block of decent cheese from Europe that doesn’t cost 80 Shekels.