Tag: Start Up Nation

Heroic Israeli scientists trap Corona Virus in Dizengoff Center

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/1/2020 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: The world cheered today after Israeli scientists managed to trap and isolate the Corona Virus in Tel Aviv’s Dizengoff Center Mall. Dizengoff Center is not so much a Mall as it is a confusing series of passageways connected by shops selling candles and/or pop tarts. Yet despite the fact that the Daily Freier has dunked on the mall here here here here and here, it is these very qualities that allowed Israel to trap the virus inside of a building that one cannot escape. The Daily Freier put on our masks, washed our hands with soap, and checked out the Health Ministry’s Press Conference outside the Mall’s King George Street Exit by the parking garage.

The Corona Virus is now trapped somewhere on the 3rd floor between the tattoo shop and the Apple Store that isn’t actually an Apple Store.” explained Doctor Yonatan C. from the Ministry of Health. “It tried to find its way out but became confused and turned around after walking past the playground with the slide protruding from a giant plastic elephant’s butt.

In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier skyped with The Corona Virus as soon as it got some decent wi-fi. “Where the hell am I? This place doesn’t even make sense.” complained The Artist Formerly Known As Corona. We then asked Corona just how it was lured into such an elaborate trap. “I needed to run some errands…. you know, pick up stuff from the pharmacy, maybe get some Druze Pizza from the food concessions, and drop off dry cleaning. They said they had convenient parking. I walk inside and within minutes I was lost.” The Virus looked around in confusion and began to sulk. “The worst part is the deception.

As the Daily Freier ended the conversation, the Corona Virus was desperately trying to download the mall’s EasyDizi Navigation App.

 

 

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Patriotic Germs in Tel Aviv Central Bus Station vow to fight Corona Virus

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/27/2020 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv: With the worldwide spread of the dreaded Corona Virus, Israelis fear that the pandemic will soon affect their country as well. Yet while most Israelis remain confused and without a plan, one group has already organized to fight the virus head-on: the germs who live in the Tel Aviv Bus Station. The giant complex boasts abandoned floors occupied by transients, a Yiddish Theater, scary toilets, and a bat colony. In addition, it houses a community of fiercely nationalistic microbes that are gruff but lovable. The Daily Freier is quite familiar with the Central Bus Station, having once marketed a cologne inspired by its smells (Really!), so we had no problems meeting germs to interview.

This Corona character doesn’t know who he’s messing with.” explained Shirli, an e-coli virus living on the door knob of the 3rd floor womens’ bathroom. “You’re in MY house now.”

We are organized and ready for this threat.” noted Tomer, a staph infection hanging around the escalator near the Levinsky Street entrance. “Am Yisrael Chai.

Gamla will not fall again, and neither will we.” stated Dudi, an airborne fungus living in a pile of bat feces on the second floor.

In addition to the germs in the Central Bus Station, the Daily Freier learned of other microbes organizing against Corona, to include Yossi the Household Mold behind your Tel Aviv apartment’s bathroom wall, the stuff living in Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square, and the germs living in the dry pee in Dizengoff Square.

When we shared this story with actual Israeli humans, they noted that this plan is better than Health Minister Litzman’s real-life Corona plan, which consists of stopping flights from random Asian countries and protecting an accused sex offender from being deported to Australia.

 

 

 

“Still better than EL AL”: American trapped in luggage hold of Israeli bus

(Based on a True Story!)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 1/10/2020 at 3:00 PM

Latrun: A tragedy was averted yesterday after Israeli police rescued an American tourist from the luggage compartment of an Egged bus. Apparently the 19 year old man tried to retrieve a bag from the luggage department, got trapped inside, and the bus driver took off. Now those of you who don’t live in Israel are asking “How the heck could this happen?” Whereas those of you who have ever rode an Israeli bus are no doubt nodding your heads and sadly laughing to yourselves.

Just to make this story even more Israelier, the bus company blamed the young tourist for the balagan. Egged Spokesperson Ron Ratner said “The incident happened on a windy and rainy day, and the driver was unable to foresee irresponsible behavior of the passenger.”  (Note to our foreign readership: the previous sentence is Israeli for “Sorry“…..and yes he really really said this.)

Yet perhaps the greatest aspect of this story was the courage shown by the tourist. The Daily Freier was able to speak with him and get his side of the story. “Flying to Israel on El Al really prepared me for what happened in that cargo hold. The feeling that I was trapped with nobody to help me? If you added the part where our departure was delayed because a Haredi guy refused to sit next to a woman, you’re describing my El Al flight. Also, the bus didn’t lose my luggage.

UPDATE: Nefesh B’ Nefesh wants to use this brave tourist for their upcoming “Only in Israel!” publicity campaign.

Amazon shocked to discover Israeli delivery drivers act like Israeli drivers

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/29/2019 at 11:00 AM

Tel Tzion: As more and more olim are realizing that they really don’t want to walk to the Makolet and speak Hebrew, the Israeli postal system has become desperately overwhelmed. “I walked out of my building and a guy in a van yelled at me: ‘Are you Leora Cohen?’ Umm…what?” said Tel Tzion resident Hadassah C.  After Hadassah explained that she wasn’t Leora but that she was Leora’s upstairs neighbor, the guy threw a parcel at her and sped off shouting “So, you give this to her when you see her.

Strangely enough, many Amazon shoppers in Israel are finding that just because something comes from an American company doesn’t mean that their Israeli counterparts are remotely sorta halfway holding to the same level of American service. “My parcel was late. And the box looked like it had been taped together. .. and the sweatshirt I had ordered for my husband smelled a bit like arak and nargileh smoke.” complained Chani D., another disappointed shopper. “I’m not going to stop buying from Amazon (chas v’shalom!) but I complained on about 22 Facebook groups, including the one where the guy said he just ordered 16 boxes of Kleenex because and I quote, ‘I’m kind of a tissue snob.‘ Yeah, that one too.

The Daily Freier tried to reach Amazon customer service staff in Americaland to provide some constructive feedback. A customer service representative in Omaha replied “Yeah, yeah, we heard this already. Honestly, we didn’t expect Israeli delivery drivers to be so…Israeli.  Wait, you mean, they’re still doing that after we told them not to? But…but… we told them not to!

“But I’m making a Difference!” American woman creates fake MASA program to stay in Israel

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 12/19/2019 at 3:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Weizman: An American citizen is under arrest today after authorities discovered that she’s been running a fake MASA program for over a year. MASA is a a public-service organization founded by the Government of Israel together with The Jewish Agency. Alison R. was detained early this morning after a month-long investigation.  Apparently she created the NGO so she could stay in Israel “because I LOVE LOVE LOVE it here.” The Daily Freier was able to speak to Alison while she  live-blogged her experience in the Tel Aviv District Court’s holding facility.

I really don’t see what the big deal is.” complained Alison as she posted photos of her detention cell to Secret Tel Aviv. “I’m making a difference in the Community. Also, believe me, I have done A LOT for Israel.

The Daily Freier asked Alison how she first decided to create a fake MASA program and she explained. “So I did my homework…. and discovered that every MASA program needs to be a combination of the following words: Start-Up, Communities, Women, Internship, Impact, Periphery, and Water. So I created ‘Women of the Periphery Sustainable Water Impact Start-Up Internship’. Wait… do you think they’ll let me out in time to go to Kuli Alma before it gets crowded? It’s Old School Hip Hop Night!”

The Daily Freier then spoke with the Israeli Police Anti-Fraud Task Force to demand answers on how this deception was able to go on for so long. Lead Investigator Lieutenant Dalit S. explained. “Our greatest challenge is that Alison’s NGO didn’t sound any less ridiculous than your average MASA program. During our investigation, we uncovered an NGO that builds gender-segregated religious dog beaches. We were about to arrest them until we discovered it was for real.

UPDATE: Authorities released Alison after learning that 50 people have already applied for 8 positions with her Women of the Periphery Sustainable Water Impact Start-Up February 2020 Internship. Also, half of your Taglit bus wants to extend their trip to volunteer there “because it sounds A-Ma-Zing.

“We just ordered toilet paper!” Anglo Olim react calmly to Amazon’s free shipping

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/24/2019 at 3:00 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh-Mem Sofit: “Is it a fast day? Some kind of holiday? There is some religious reason why people aren’t shopping now, right?” asked Israeli-born makolet owner Rami K. as he stood outside his mini-market in Ramat Beit Shemesh-Alef. Rami dragged on a cigarette and wondered out loud exactly why his business has come to a dramatic slowdown this past week. “I sell everyday things that people need: toilet paper, trash bags, tissues, laundry soap. These Americans living here still use the toilet, right? So, if they aren’t buying toilet paper in my store, where are they getting it from…. America?… hahahahaha. I make joke, yes?

The Daily Freier had to gently inform Rami that the downward turn of his business was in fact due to Amazon.com and their recent free shipping offer (stop us if you’ve heard this one before). After a few glasses of Arak and an hour on Facebook, we managed to convince our Israeli friend that Americans were indeed buying their trash bags, toilet paper, and laundry soap from the United States. “You Americans are crazy.” said Rami as we showed him that in the great tradition of Jews building community, there are now multiple Facebook groups dedicated to shipping Amazon to Israel… and they can’t stand each other.

The Daily Freier then set out to ask RBS-Alef residents exactly why they were shopping online for their basic necessities. “It’s just easier to buy on Amazon and wait a week for delivery” explained local homemaker Esty C. “If I need to buy from Israeli stores, I actually have to… you know…. speak Hebrew. I thought I was done with all of that… are we still in Hebrew Day School or something?

As we left RBS-Alef, we asked Rami if he had ever considered taking his makolet business online and creating a user-friendly website for Americans to buy his products online. “Yeah, My daughter said I should make a nice website, but then I woud actually have to… you know… speak English.

 

Israel adds extra Yom Kippur just for Scooter Riders

“This is your chance to apologize to us.”
(photo credit: Hazel Orpen)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/11/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: In the greatest change to Judaism in centuries, Israel has added an extra Yom Kippur. Yet it’s reserved specifically for scooter riders, because they suck  their actions have posed a unique challenge to 21st Century Israeli society. Specifically: how does one repent for anti-social behavior if a single Yom Kippur is not enough? The Daily Freier walked over to the Tel Aviv Rabbanut to get all of the facts.

 

We were greeted in the Lobby by Yossi, the Rabbanut’s Director of Community Outreach. We asked him exactly what prompted this drastic action. “The rise of the scooter has affected us all.” he explained. “Bird, Lime, whatever. Remember when electric bicycles were the most annoying vehicle on the sidewalk? Good Times.”

The Daily Freier asked Yossi just how the Rabbanut could possibly change the Jewish calendar. “Why not?” he replied. “We have 3 Election Days this year. What’s an extra Kol Nidre?” Yossi thumbed through the Gemara looking for a specific passage.  “This extra Yom Kippur…. it is a chance for you to repent for being such a… how do I say this without committing Lashon Hara?….. for being such a sociopathic ass.

The Daily Freier challenged Yossi, noting that anti-social behavior takes many forms. “You raise a compelling point.” Yossi replied, as he pulled another book from the shelf. “Next year, bzrat HaShem, ‘Extra Yom Kippur’ will also apply to people who play matkot on the beach.”

In the spirit of diversity, Daily Freier will also be accepting repentance from those of you who park on the sidewalk.

 

 

Only in Israel: an Amazon Store that sucks!

(Photo Credit: Globes Israel)

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/3/2019 at 10:30 AM

Bet Shemesh: The Anglo Israeli Community was paralyzed with fear today over rumors that Amazon Israel had been hacked… and turned into a website selling a poor selection of overpriced Israeli products. The eagerly anticipated launch of the online retail giant in Israel only fueled confusion and disappointment among Olim.

I put off my yerida for this!” explained Ramat Bet Shemesh resident Dassie S. “I stopped myself from publishing an angry rant on Keep Olim In Israel announcing my departure. I let my brother come and visit from America without bringing me a suitcase of Ziploc bags! They told us Amazon was opening up here, so I decided that I could tough it out. But when I opened my computer and typed in Amazon.co.il and just saw stam overpriced Israeli products, I was sure they had been hacked or something. Why does HaShem hate us?

The Daily Freier then went to Amazon Israel’s Headquarters in Haifa to demand answers. “No, we haven’t been hacked.” replied an exasperated Customer Service rep named Yuval. “It’s not a prank. Yes, it’s supposed to be like that. And no, I haven’t heard about your special steak spice. Can’t you just buy your spices at the Shuk? I’ve had this conversation a million times today.

Sadly, this was indeed not an elaborate prank. After several email exchanges with Amazon Israel customer service, the Daily Freier confirmed that they do not intend to stock Montreal Steak Spice, Neosporin, or the snack-size Ziplocs that you can’t even find at Osher Ad. They do, however have t-shirts from Adika (um… whoever they are) and dishes from Naaman. We caught up with our friend Dassie to get her opinion on this business model.

So, like instead of going to literally any Israeli mall to buy Naaman dishes, I can pay extra on Amazon and still have to wait for the Doar? Yeah….no.

These spoiled Americans, they expect too much.” laughed Yuval. “They want cheap prices, they want fast delivery, they want cheerful customer service reps. Who do they think we are? Next thing you know, they’ll be wanting their parcels delivered by flying robots. Hahahahaha.

If you don’t think I’m going to complain about this in my Aliyah Blog, you’re in for a big surprise.” warned Dassie. The Daily Freier admonished Dassie that as we approach Yom Kippur, it’s imperative not to spread malicious gossip. Yet she was adamant. “It’s not Lashon Hara if it’s true.

 

“What’s an Appointment?”: a guide to Misrad HaPnim

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 9/22/2019 at 2:30 PM

Jerusalem: You want passport? Meet me at 6 in the morning. Don’t worry about computer.

It was with this cryptic reply that our Daily Freier reporter first encountered Magda, a Polish-born Olah with a reputation as a ‘fixer’ in the government bureaucracy. I needed a passport for my son and the Misrad HaPnim (Ministry of the Interior) website showed no appointments available for months.

If there’s anything we learned in Poland, it was how to stand in line.” noted Magda as we arrived at the Misrad Hapnim office at 6 AM. “Website not important. If you come early enough they always let you in.” Amazingly enough, a line soon formed, consisting of everyone who isn’t using the website: Senior Citizens, the Haredim, and former Soviet Bloc citizens who chatted in Russian while smiling with a faint tinge of nostalgia. And yes, they gave me a number and processed my passport even though I didn’t make an appointment online. Who knew that would actually work?

Your cousin needs papers signed? Meet me at Aroma in one hour.” was Magda’s reply when I called in a panic about my cousin Shlomo, a Lone Soldier who needed to get medical paperwork signed immediately and couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment.

Shlomo and I rushed to Aroma and Magda was waiting for us on the street. “Go inside and buy a box of rugelach.” Magda ordered him.  As a Lone Soldier, Shlomo found this confusing. “Buy something? Like, actually pay money?”  But Magda was insistent. “No rugelach, No paper.

As we entered the Kupat Cholim (Insurance HMO) office, rugelach in hand, Magda explained: “Kupat Cholim secretary is Queen of the office. If you want help, you bring gifts.” And yes, after handing the secretary the pastries, she was surprisingly helpful and let Shlomo see the doctor for just a second to get his paper signed.

In Poland, we knew how to get things done.” Magda explained. “Communism wasn’t such a bad system, it was just different…but we knew how to get around it.” This reporter was surprised at Magda’s candor and suggested that perhaps she could leverage her expertise in dealing with Israeli government bureaucracies into a successful business venture. Magda laughed. “You Americans and your jokes. Open a business? What does that mean.. open… a… business? Who do you think I am? The Minister of Labor or something? That’s funny. You Americans!”

New App alerts you whenever Ariel Gold says something stupid

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/10/2019 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has done it again, releasing an exciting App this week to great fanfare. ‘That’s Gold!’ is an application for Iphone and Android users that alerts you whenever noted BDS supporter/Deep Thinker Ariel Gold says or does something ridiculous. The Daily Freier wandered down to that WeWork office near Rothschild (no not that one, the other one) in order to meet the creators of this amazing application.

With our ‘That’s Gold!‘ app, we provide our customer with a one-stop shop to stay up to date on the latest dumb shit that Ariel came up with.” explained lead engineer Pinchas G. “Our state of the art algorithm pulls data from Ariel’s Twitter feed, Code Pink press releases, and the comments section for Hen Mazzig’s pet rabbit’s Instagram page.” Pinchas feverishly typed a line of code on his Macintosh and continued. “The 2.0 version even has a feature that notifies you whenever she uses a Yiddish phrase incorrectly.

Well if you think this App is selling like latkes in December, you are correct. The Daily Freier ran into a number of happy customers on Rothschild Boulevard.

OMG This is A-Ma-Zing!” extolled Arielle (NOT Ariel) C. “This gives me something to do whenever the Daily Freier is going through Writer’s Block.

Changed my life!” enthused David S. “I really like the feature that alerts me whenever she takes a selfie with Neteurei Karta.

Unfortunately, not all of the feedback was positive. The Daily Freier stumbled upon Alert Local Ronit S. as she desperately tried to silence her beeping Iphone at the coffee kiosk on the corner of Allenby. “Ariel just got into a one-way argument with Jason Greenblatt and now my phone won’t shut off…..thanks a lot.”

The Daily Freier looks forward to Ms. Gold’s inevitable response to this story, because it would no doubt trigger this app, thereby becoming the most Meta thing like ever.


p.s. Yes, we wrote a similar story about Margot Wallstrom back in 2015.

p.p.s. With Margot retiring, we saw a chance to reuse a theme.

p.p.p.s. At least someone around here is bothering to recycle. What, do you hate the Planet or something?