Tag: Start Up Nation

Your Daily Freier Guide to Eurovision 2019!

AGF-l7_nQRCupGIAw-SIJiQsHAg8Cta3uYl4XbFXJg=s900-mo-c-c0xffffffff-rj-k-no.jpgWelcome to Israel all you Eurovision Weirdos! You’re going to LOVE it here! Let’s get ready for a week of indecipherable songs by Icelandics paired with costumes that someone stole from a sex dungeon! Ha Ha! Just kidding! Not really! Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is here to help you enjoy Israel to the fullest! So without further ado, let’s get started!

Ben Gurion Airport: Hopefully you flew here on El Al, which is pretty good preparation for the tip-top customer service that you can expect here in Israel! That flight attendant who keeps responding to your requests like you’re a particularly slow 4 year old? Her name is Nava and she (probably) doesn’t actually dislike you. That’s just the Sabra charm! And if you had the good fortune to fly here with some Israelis, well things are getting even better!  You can spot them when they jump out of their seats to grab their bags out of the overhead compartments about the time you’re flying over Cyprus.

Taxis: Remember when you told your friends you hoped to “hook up” with a cute local? Well, congratulations because you’re about to get screwed! Seriously, take the train from the airport to Tel Aviv. As you leave Customs and enter the arrival hall, it’s to your left. There are kiosks where you can buy a ticket to any Tel Aviv station for about 3 Euros (Editor’s Note: We apologize for departing satire to provide actual good advice. We will try not to do it again.)

Israeli Men: Ladies, the men of Israel want you to know that despite any differences in religion or language or culture, they are still willing to have sex with you. Like right now. They got time, their Startup doesn’t open for another hour and their bike is still charging. Not to put too fine a point on it, but our city’s main park is shaped like a penis. A woman pointed this out to us, and they tend to notice details.

Israeli Women: OK, we’ve been here a while and we’re still trying to figure this one out. Native Israeli men seem equally bewildered. Please email us any clues.

LGBT Visitors: Tel Aviv is normally pretty gay.  But as of this morning, and thanks to a team of selfless volunteers, it is now officially Gay Enough for Eurovision!

Fun outside of Tel Aviv: Lies! If you travel East of Ayalon Highway, nothing but hellfire awaits you! Stay in Tel Av….. Sorry folks, that was Aaron Pomerantz our “City Beat” reporter and he’s not a fan of leaving this City to explore. But let’s look at some of the possibilities!

Haifa: Do you like factories? Do you like chemical plants? How about climbing up hundreds of steps to get to a hummus shop? If so, you’re in luck! Haifa’s got you covered!

Jerusalem: (Snore). Whoah, sorry, we fell asleep for a moment. But really, Jerusalem is an A-Ma-Zing city full of nightlife, and the absolute highlight is the chance to drink beer in a shuk at night. Really.


…… Well that’s all the advice we have for now. Tune in throughout the week as we share various pieces of fact-based news and advice!

 

 

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“Still Not Gay Enough”: Tel Aviv’s last-minute Eurovision preparation

(Disclaimer: No Mizrahi LGBTQ Indigenous Rights Activists were harmed in the making of this photo)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/8/2019 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Dizengoff: “Still not Gay Enough for Eurovision”: these are the words that haunt Tel Aviv City Management as they frantically prepare for next week’s extravaganza of bizarre songs and fashion hate crimes celebration of musical diversity and style. With kickoff only days away, the Tel Aviv Municipality Tourism Office has trained a team of experts in order to Gay Up the city. Spokesperson Galit K. described her strategy as we walked around Dizengoff Square looking for a nice brunch place.

The celebrities coming here is great, but it doesn’t help meet our targeted metrics. I mean, does Madonna even HAVE a following in the Gay community? So we knew we needed outside help.

The Daily Freier challenged Galit that Tel Aviv seems pretty Gay already, but she was adamant. “You’re making a common mistake. A lot of people have a difficult time figuring out if Someone is Gay or Just Being Israeli. We address this issue every year at Pride Week. That’s why we trained up a team of experts in order to make every day Tel Aviv activities a bit gayer. We really want to thank the Swedish Ambassador for hosting our workshops. We also could not have done this without help from the Technion’s prestigious Streisand Center for Gay Science, who postponed their reverse engineering of that amazing appletini one of them had in the Hamptons two summers ago in order to help us.

The Daily Freier was able to follow one such expert, Hen Mazzig, as he walked across the city with a clipboard and a bag of accoutrements. We soon passed that statue on the corner of Dizengoff and Frishman. “OK, that statue is just fine as it is.” Hen explained as he switched a cafe’s music selection to Eyal Golan.

We then asked Hen what his biggest challenges were this week. “While most of Tel Aviv is already kinda Gay, there are pockets of the city that just don’t get it.” Hen noted as he handed a restaurant owner a Tax Voucher for any Brunch with Bottomless Mimosas that goes past 1 PM. “Yesterday I saw three guys on the street who clearly haven’t been to the gym in a month. Honestly, for a moment I thought that I was in Jerusalem.

News of Tel Aviv’s efforts have not gone unnoticed in the Progressive Jewish Blogosphere, with some particularly pointed criticism from some circles. “So wait, is Hen volunteering or getting paid?” asked Forward contributor Eden Washing-Pink. “Because from what I know, Hen has a lot of Shekels.

This attempt to gloss over the Occupation with Gayness is problematic and points to deeper issues in Israel-Palestine.” chided Forward editor Mazkeret-Batya Calgon. “I plan to live-blog my critiques of this propaganda.” Mazkeret-Batya then leaned in and lowered her voice. “Also, can you guys help me get free tickets and backstage passes to opening night? I mean, I AM the editor of a Jewish publication on the front lines against anti-Semitism.

EPILOGUE: In order to promote diversity, Tel Aviv promised that after Eurovision, they would open a nice bar for straight people.

 

“Now we can park like sociopaths without a car!” Tel Aviv celebrates the e-scooter & mobike

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/13/2019 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: The city of Tel Aviv has a little more equality these days, and people are excited. You see, it used to be that in order to park like a total dick, you needed to be able to afford a car. No Longer! Today with the huge success of rental companies like Mobike, Bird, and Lime, parking like a sociopath is within everyone’s reach. The Daily Freier walked the streets of Tel Aviv to find out just how big a deal this is.

I love the freedom that this gives me.” explained local dick Dan G. as he dropped his Lime on the sidewalk in front of a cafe. “I always thought making other people’s’ lives difficult with bad parking was just for the rich guys who could afford a car and a permit. But now, I can really make my mark on the city!

Not caring about how my actions affected other people used to be so difficult without a car.” noted Ron C. “But with my Bird, it’s so easy making life inconvenient for my fellow Tel Avivians. This is even better than matkot!

Annoying my neighbors used to be so hard.” reminisced North Tel Aviv resident Guy S. “But now, with my Bird, I can block paths to schools and create a public hazard on a budget! Only in Israel!

Tune in next week when the Daily Freier visits the Rabbanut to learn the halakhic ramifications of parking your bike on the sidewalk.

 

 

 

Top Ten Excuses for Israel’s Moon Crash

1. Onboard computer kept muttering “yihiyeh b’seder” & smoking a cigarette while holding the controls with just one hand.

2. Lunar Rover pushed to the front of the capsule before the lander had come to a complete stop.

3. The Fax machine broke.

4. Robot was busy cleaning capsule for Chometz and forgot to deploy rocket thrusters.

5. Difficult to hear commands over all the Pink Floyd music.

6. Maybe the shuttle’s Vaad Bayit could have cleaned the windows once in a while.

7. Diverted at last-minute to avoid landing on top of the Moon’s Chabad House.

8. Opening the bamba in Zero Gravity was a really bad idea.

9.  Lunar rover became Baal T’shuva and refused to deploy on Shabbat

10. Naftali Bennett kept pestering us for our ballots.

 

 

Our Kafka statue will be a nice metaphor for your time here at Tel Aviv University!

Oh hey there! Welcome to Tel Aviv University, located right here in the Start-up Nation! Just to get things started, take a good look at that statue on the First Floor. Franz Kafka! Wasn’t he cute??? Wait, where were we? Oh yeah, the Kafka statue? Check it out. Because believe it or not, your time here at TAU is going to be a bit like waking up in one of his novels every morning!

So back to Kafka. The themes in his books? We got them covered! Alienation? Yes! Trapped in an absurd bureaucracy that forces you to double back again and again without making any progress? Yes and Yes! Crushed by an unfeeling modernity? Yes and Yes and Yes! Transforming yourself into an insect? OK not so much, but still, you get the idea.

Wait, you want to sign up for classes outside of your program? Because you really can’t do that. Huh? You heard that you could? Where? the Student Guide to your program that you pulled from our webpage? Oh we don’t really look at that. It’s kind of like a “site map” or a “FAQ” or something. You know, something on the Internet that nobody ever really uses.

So that form you dropped off last week? You can have it back now. Because this really isn’t the right office for that stuff, you probably need to talk to the International Office about that. Wait…. they told you to come talk to us? OMG that doesn’t even make any sense!

But don’t worry, graduation is just around the corner! But no need to stress! Cuz when you do graduate, we’re going to send your diploma about a year or two later! And it’s going to look like it was typed up in Microsoft Word with a cute font and printed on paper from our office! Because it was!

You’re going to Love it Here!

(*Mad Props to the Artist Formerly Known As Alex Swinton for inspiring key paragraphs of this allegory.)

Hot Mobile: “We’ve screwed more Olim than the soldier on your Taglit bus!”

By Emily Goldstein & Mark Levy

Last Updated 12/22/2018 at 12:50 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: Hot Mobile announced that as of yesterday afternoon, it has screwed more recent immigrants to Israel than that really cute soldier on your Birthright bus who could also play guitar. The Daily Freier attended an emotional Press Conference at one of Hot’s kiosks in Dizengoff Center.

This just means a lot to all of us.” announced Hot’s spokesperson Dorit H. “But now we have screwed more Olim than Danny, the soldier assigned to your Taglit group who wrote 5 poems to 6 girls, and showed 3 other girls the star constellations, ‘because the Negev sky is so clear at night’. We were going to announce it on our Website, but to be honest, we haven’t really updated it in a while, so why start now?”

Dorit wiped a tear from her eyes and continued.The competition has been strong. Pelephone and Cellcom? Their contracts are also slightly harder to understand than Gemara, but slightly easier to escape from than an Iranian jail. But in the end, it was our blend of gaslighting, bait and switch, and just hanging up on customers that won out.

The Daily Freier then asked Dorit if this amazing story had yet been picked up by any of the Big Names in Israeli Media “Of Course!” she replied. “Just last week the Jerusalem Post published a personal account of one Olah’s quest to try to get a refund for services she did not ask for but we charged her for anyway. You should read the whole thing! It’s like a mix of the boat trip in ‘Heart of Darkness’ and that Horror Movie ‘The Ring’. Except in this movie, nobody calls you back.”

When the Daily Freier challenged Dorit on some of the details of Hot’s Announcement, she told us to publicly Tweet our phone number to Hot’s Twitter account for a follow-up. Then she blocked us.

 

 

That’s not Kif-Kef! The Americans are stealing our brands!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/25/2018 at 11:30 AM

Jerusalem, Givat Shaul: “They spelled Kif-Kef wrong! It’s fake chocolate! These are fake brand names from a fake store!” explained native Yerushalmi Yossi D as he recounted his experience of accidentally shopping in an “American store” in the city. “They’re imitations, but they’re clearly not fooling anyone! They spelled Kif-Kef wrong… it’s clear someone is trying to rip off our famous Israeli brands!” he admonished.

Yossi, who had a morning appointment in Givat Shaul to yell at a Maas HaChnasa clerk, was confused when he walked into a nearby grocery store. “I saw a rack of Tapuchips inside, so I thought I’d go in and buy a bag, but when I got closer, I saw that it wasn’t Tapuchips, it was some knockoff brand called “Lay’s” who had clearly copied the colors and logo of our famous Israeli chips. Do they think we’re stupid and don’t know the difference?

Yossi then added “You know, every word comes from Hebrew. Give me a word, any word, and I show you how the root of that word is Hebrew.

As the Daily Freier prepared to return to Tel Aviv on the High-Speed rail, Yossi asked us to help him carry 12 boxes of Uncle Moishy Cereal to his Sherut.