Mojang: Once again leading the way in the field of Performative As-A-Jewdaism, Peter Beinart spent the past six months designing a Bi-National Palestinian/Jewish State in the Minecraft Multiverse! That’s right, Peter painstakingly built a Virtual One State Solution, thus fulfilling all of the great ideas he’s been trying to sell us for the last couple years. The work was hard, but Mr. Beinart is a builder. Today Peter took the bold step of moving there to live permanently.
This is a bit of a turnabout for Mr. Beinart, who was still considered somewhat of a Liberal Zionist until a few years ago. However, as time went on and actual Israelis continued to disappoint him, Mr. Beinart slowly moved away from Zionism. He finally broke with Zionism after he read a book by the guy who founded Electric Intifada. (He. Really. Said. This.) Peter now refers to himself as a “Cultural Zionist who believes in the Right of Return“, which appears to be the last Rest Area on Peter’s personal Road Trip to his very own virtual Shtetl. The Daily Freier saw it all coming a mile away and actually ran a betting pool on this very topic. Think of us as the Moe Greenes of Anglo-Infused Israeli satire. Or not.*
Yesterday, we released an ad without properly vetting, for a free all expenses-paid Shabbaton next Wednesday at IfNotNow’s Editor’s Dad’s Summer House outside of New Paltz. This ad is not in line with our values as an organization dedicated to stories about Dizengoff Center, Taglit jokes, the shortcomings of Jerusalem nightlife, and some occasional dunking on the Woke Dorks of Anti-Zionism. We are returning the money that we received for this ad, and will immediately begin a critical evaluation of our ad process and policies. Specifically, we will try to figure out how we missed them talking about JVP’s Acapella group performing “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahood” in Three Part Harmony. Also the part about Mairav Zonsein teaching everyone how to dance the Dabka until Ali Abunimah inevitably busts in and yells at her for appropriation. Same with the BDS puppet show based on Simone Zimmerman’s dream journal. Not to mention Ariel Gold’s amazing “Poetry Slam for Palestine” featuring some not so subtle references to her love-hate relationship with a certain Gay Israeli Mizrahi Indigenous Rights Activist.
Brooklyn: Experts are baffled by a young secular Yiddish enthusiast who doesn’t appear to be suffering from “Daddy Issues” or a serious dislike for a certain country in the Levant that’s full of Jews.
“I guess I just like speaking the language. Is that weird or something?” explained Grad Student David S. “There is some amazing theater from the early 20th Century that doesn’t quite translate into English…. also now I can understand when my grandparents are making fun of me.“
News of David’s non-ideological stand for Yiddish is definitely making some waves. “So that’s it huh?” complained Talia L., a spokesperson for the Brooklyn Socialist Workers Democratic Bund. “He needs to educate himself. Yiddish is a tool of de-colonization. As a Jew, I am indigenous to the Pale of Settlement…. but some Jews are also indigenous to Spain.“
The Daily Freier wandered around Williamsburg until we ran into a Blogger/Independent Journalist named Michael, who expressed skepticism about David’s story. “No estranged relationship with his parents or the synagogue he grew up in? No angry letters to the Editor of the Forward? Never publicly stormed off a Birthright trip? This really doesn’t add up.”
In an effort to avoid further controversy, David said that henceforth he would pretend to be Ba’al Tshuva and/or nuts.
New York: In stunning news, an academic of Jewish descent named Rachel Bat Dolezal Jessica Krug was revealed to be masquerading as an Afro-Latina woman. Doctor Krug, originally from Kansas City, went to great lengths to hone her Woke credentials, including adopting a “street” New York accent so absurd that anyone who grew up in the Tri-State area was reduced to giggling uncontrollably (Bonus points: when she inevitably trashed the IDF, she did it with that accent!) The story is amazing, including such delicious tidbits as people getting suspicious because she was horrible at salsa dancing.
While this was seen by many as a career-ending scandal, others within the Woke As-A-Jewish Community sensed an opportunity. That’s right, Jessica Krug is now working for the beating heart of Progressive As-A-Jewdaism, IfNotNow. The Daily Freier spoke with IfNotNow co-founder, Progressive Christian Activist Seth Woody about this Revelation of Good News.
“A talent like Doctor Krug doesn’t come around every day.” explained Seth as he got ready to teach his next Communion class. “So we knew we had to act quickly. We signed her to a 5-year contract with an option to extend.“
The Daily Freier asked Mr. Woody about the qualities in Doctor Krug that caught IFNotNow’s attention. Seth thought for a moment and replied: “Well, she’s Woke to the point of being Performative, has a hostile relationship with her Jewish heritage, and tends to make things up. Plus, she’s batshit crazy. She’s a perfect fit for our organization.“
Of course, not everyone on the Progressive Left was happy about the move. Noted Twitter personality Ari L. Gold was livid. “Seriously?” Ari exclaimed. “So getting kicked out of Israel and chaining yourself to the Venezuelan Embassy doesn’t count for anything? If you think I’m not going to Tweet about this for the next three weeks, you’re mistaken.”
As the IfNotNow intern ushered us out after the interview, a stream of attendees arrived for their High Holiday Planning Meeting in order to prepare for Purim and Tu B’Shvat.
*Editor’s Note: Julia Salazar could not be reached for comment.
Brooklyn: Excitement was in the air today as a leading As-A-Jewish pundit took the plunge and embraced the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. Noted critic of Israeli policies Peter Beinart dipped into the mikvah at Brooklyn’s Congregration Gates of Self-Righteousness and became a part of the As-A-Jewish people. The Daily Freier was on the scene to share in the simchas.
As the Congregation waited for the ceremony to begin, machers from the various denominations of As-A-Jewdaism milled about in the Jewish Lobby: Bundists, Julia Carmel Bat Dolezal, IfNotNow, Jew-ish Voice for Peace, and some writers for the Forward. Then a hush fell on the crowd as Rabbi Ari L. Gold and Mr. Beinart walked into the room. Rabbi Gold welcomed the audience. “This is an amazing day for me As A Jew as we welcome Peter to the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. As a Jew I feel that Peter will be a great addition to our movement.”
The crowd remained silent as they waited for Mr. Beinart’s response.
“As a Jew I agree with you!” exclaimed Peter to wild applause.
Peter then gave a moving Dvar Torah, that felt kinda like a laundry list of why he thinks Israel sucks and kinda like a Taylor Swift breakup song. He mentioned Trump a lot. And Bibi of course. Also Marc Lamont Hill’s dreaminess. Honestly, there was a lot to unpack. But eventually he finished and then everyone went downstairs to the Social Hall/Food Co-Op for the reception. The Daily Freier was excited to ask the congregants about their fascinating religion.
“You see, As-A-Jewdaism has the same Holy Books as Traditional Judaism, we just interpret them differently.” explained Jesse from IfNotNow. “Also, we use a lot of Yiddish. Because Israelis don’t. And if we don’t know what a cool-sounding Yiddish word actually means, we use it anyway. Like ‘kvelling’. Because As A Jew!”
“Honestly, I never thought this would happen so quickly.” enthused Christine from Jew-ish Voice for Peace. “I mean, by converting before the High Holidays, Peter is giving up an incredible opportunity to write one of his “Crisis of the Soul” think-pieces for Haaretz about why some combination of the Kol Nidre service, Ivanka, and Breaking the Silence caused him to make this decision.” Christine lowered her voice to a whisper and moved in closer. “I’m telling you, even the bookies in Las Vegas were shocked by how fast Peter made the switch.”
Finally, the Daily Freier was able to talk to the man of the hour, Mr. Beinart. “I just hope that my actions As A Jew send a signal. You know, about my virtue. Oh, and also about the fast-growing religion of As-A-Jewdaism.” The Daily Freier asked Mr. Beinart if the conversion process was difficult. “Honestly, I’ve been on this road for quite a while, so it just felt natural.” Peter paused for a moment and continued. “Best of all, they didn’t make me do another Brit Milah because I was already an insufferable prick.”
Las Vegas: There’s some hot new action here in Sin City, and the High Rollers are starting to notice. College Football? Nope. Keno? Nope. Nope. Blackjack? Still Nope. The name of the game this year is picking the date that Peter Beinart goes Full BDS, and everyone wants a piece of the action. You see, Mr. Beinart used to (sorta) be the Conscience of Liberal Zionism. But maybe he switched to a different High School or something, because he’s started to run with the wrong crowd ….and don’t think we haven’t noticed. Anyhoo, as Peter keeps driving down Sanctimony Highway (past the old Tikkun Olam Rest Area) toward BDS City, the bookies have started to notice. And now they’re laying down odds. The Daily Freier put on our best suit, and headed out to the Desert to get a piece of the action.
The Daily Freier met up with “Fat Sal”, who greeted us at his office behind a dilapidated motel a few blocks off the Strip. We asked Mr. Fat Sal if he truly felt that Mr. Beinart was flirting with BDS. Sal took a drag from his cigar and replied. “Has Peter been flirting with BDS lately? Oh he’s been flirting. Lotsa flirting. With BDS. You catch my drift?”
We then asked Mr. Sal just how they put down odds on such a unique form of gambling as Peter Beinart’s very public slow-motion Total Eclipse of the Woke Heart, and Sal explained. “There’s a science to handicapping this. How many times this week did he mention his one-way feud with Bibi? How many times has Code Pink praised his articles on Twitter today? How many times has…” [Sal paused and yelled into the other room] “Hey Jimmy! What’s the over/under on Peter’s ‘As a Jew’ count today?”
Sal continued. “At the end of the day I’m just another conservative businessman. Nothing fancy. I don’t get excited easily. I don’t see anything happening with Peter until after the High Holidays. I mean it’s not like he tweeted an article from Counterpunch…..wait, never mind. ….So what do you think about the horses this year? You got any tips?”
Sal then walked away to take a phone call, and the Daily Freier dutifully eavesdropped. “OK talk to me. Two to One by Labor Day? No friggin way. We’ve already got our odds, and those are the odds, OK? Nothin’ is going to make me change them, got it? Not even if he…. wait you said he just co-hosted a talk via Skype with Omar Barghouti the head of the BDS Movement? ….. OK listen to me. Stop taking any action until we figure this out. OK? I’m out.”
Washington: In an unexpectedly decisive move, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi yesterday restricted Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Minnesota) to just one anti-Jewish tweet per week. Congresswoman Omar’s Twitter history includes such Greatest Hits as ‘Israel hypnotized the world’, that support for Israel in Congress was “all about The Benjamins“, and (just this week!) that American Jews have dual-loyalty. All of this drama has given the Democrats a bit of a rough week, and Pelosi decided bold action was in order. Speaker Pelosi’s spokesperson Drew Hammill explained the new policy at a noontime press conference. “Today Speaker Pelosi laid down the law: Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is henceforth to write no more than one anti-Jewish tweet or Facebook post in any 7-day period, whether or not Congress is in session.”
Reaction in the pundit-sphere was quite positive, with noted “As-a-Jew” Peter Beinart expressing his relief. “This masterstroke by Pelosi means that I can put a solid 5 days into my explanatory think-piece for the Atlantic on why Ilhan Omar’s next anti-Jewish outburst is not nearly as bad as that time Trump called a reporter fat. I think you’re going to see a noted increase in the quality of my excuses for Woke Left Wing Anti-Semitism. As a Jew I feel this is important.”
For her part, Congresswoman Omar was quite conciliatory and understanding of Speaker Pelosi’s new directive. “At first I wanted at least two or three, depending on whether I had a chance to meet up with Linda that week or not. But Nancy Jewed me down was very adamant on this point, so I agreed. What can I say? I’m a team player. I mean, until 2020. Wait, did I just say that? Never mind that last part.”
Ben Gurion Airport, Terminal 3: Jewish-American pundit Peter Beinart was briefly detained yesterday after setting off the Airport’s Sanctimony Detector. Mr. Beinart, the beating heart of the (very) Liberal (kinda) Zionist Movement, was held and questioned by Airport Security personnel after his answers to their questions triggered the Detector. The machine, known as the Sanctimonitor, began beeping loudly as Peter talked about his Solidarity trips to Hebron, his one-way feud with Bibi, and the Amazing Vegan Co-Op at the Reconstructionist Synagogue near his favorite bike path. The Daily Freier spoke with Yael Z., the alert Security Officer who initially flagged Mr. Beinart.
” The interview began normally.” explained Yael. “But then he mentioned his White Privilege, and the machine started to beep. Then he began adding the phrase “As a Jew” to Each. And. Every. Sentence….. and the machine started to go crazy. Then he mentioned ‘Tikkun Olam’. And ‘Tikkun Olam’. And ‘Tikkun Olam’. Did I mention that he said ‘Tikkun Olam’? …Finally, he compared the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to the #MeToo Movement, (Editor’s Note: Of COURSE he really once did this. And of COURSE he did it in the Forward) and the machine sort of exploded a little bit.”
Yael continued: “After we brought him to another room for further questioning, he started reading out loud from a notebook about how betrayed he felt, how things are never going to be the same, and that this might really be the last time. At first we thought it was a Taylor Swift breakup song, but it was actually just his latest article for the Forward.”
When the Daily Freier challenged Yael that she was singling Peter out, she strongly disagreed. “That’s absolutely not true. I mean, just last year we arrested Thomas Friedman for smuggling clichés.”
Later, the Daily Freier asked Yael if we could stop by during slow hours and play with the Sanctimonitor by ourselves, but she yelled at us and told us to leave.
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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.
By Yuval Weiss
