By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 1 December 2023 at 3:50 PM
Doha, Qatar: With today’s resumption of fighting, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh issued a defiant statement from his hotel suite’s breakfast nook. “Today I am calling for more martyrs! With Blood and Fire we will Liberate Al Aqsa!” Mr. Haniyeh emphatically shouted while picking at his poached eggs and salmon. “I am also calling on the Four Seasons Hotel to send more tea and pastries to room 342! From the River to the Sea, I hate cold tea!“
The Daily Freier asked Mr. Haniyeh how the Struggle for Palestine had been affecting him personally. “Every day we are faced with challenges put forth by the Zionist Entity!” Haniyeh complained as a member of his entourage poured him more fresh squeezed orange juice from a large carafe on the drinks cart. “I tried to get a hamburger at 10:30 PM last night but Room Service had the impudence to inform me that the line cook had just gone home and that they only had pizza.”
We then helpfully added that perhaps Ismail’s hotel did not have hamburgers because Ahed Tamimi ate all of them. Mr. Haniyeh thoughtfully scratched his head for a moment. “You raise an excellent point. The Sister Ahed had a very strong appetite in the Zionist jail. She volunteered to fight from our tunnels in Gaza, but our food supplies could not support her Resistance and we had to say no.”
As the Daily Freier ended our conversation with Mr. Haniyeh, he asked us to find the maid and request more towels and some of those tasty pillow mints.
OMG that news site funded by Qatar is giving out some sick burns today! Yassss! I mean, I thought Al-Jazeera was woke, but their kid brother AJ+ is Wokety Woke Woker than Woke! Yeah! I love how they expose just how horribly racist America is and….Wait, you say their country is run with imported slave labor from India and Africa? That doesn’t even make any sense. I mean, slavery??? In Qatar??? Oh please. Let me guess, you found that on one of your Zionist NeoCon sites like….ummm….The Guardian? OK, so let’s change the subject.
OK so where were we? Oh yeah, the Qatari Government that funds AJ+ and Al Jazeera is totally speaking Truth to Power and standing up to Hate and hold on….. funding Hamas? So who complained about it? Probably some Zionist group like AIPAC or Stand With Us or wait a minute….. Saudi Arabia? Again, this conversation is starting to make me uncomfortable.
Whatever. Say what you will, but AJ+ has NEVER stopped passionately advocating for Syrian refugee and how they have been treated by racist Europeans! I mean, Qatar was so busy advocating for Syrian refugees at the height of the crisis that they didn’t have time to actually, like, take in any Syrian refugees. But that’s a small price to pay for finely honed advocacy. I mean, AJ+ and its pointed critiques of American immigration issues are really shaking things up! Especially when you consider that only 12% of the people who live in Qatar have citizenship. Oh and that, uh, in Qatar, if your dad wasn’t a citizen, you’ll never be a citizen! But come on! They’re hosting the World Cup in 2022! And besides, AJ+ keeps shining the light of truth on how the West treats its marginalized communities. Which is kinda impressive when you think of it, since being gay in Qatar is a criminal offense.
Oh that’s funny, I just read that Qatar also funds the Brookings Institution! Pretty neat, huh?
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 1/7/2016 at 5:30 PM
Washington: Hijinks ensued today when the Qatari Treasury accidentally sent Martin Indyk’s paycheck to Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and Mashal’s paycheck to Mr. Indyk. However, despite the potential compromise of funds, the entire situation managed to sort itself out after a few hours and several phone calls.
READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE TODAY AT THE TIMES OF ISRAEL!