Tag: Gaza

Tikkun Olam

“Anything happen in Israel this week?” By Chuck Schumer

Hey Ladies and Gents! Wait, Sorry for the Gendered Language! My Staff are going to give me Heck about this when we get back to the office! But give an alter kacher some slack! I’m learning and evolving! Ha! So you like my schtick? Some people say it was dated when they did it in the Catskills 60 years ago, but what do they know, right?

OK Gang, so anyone hear any news from Israel this week? Because I was busy Tweeting about getting away from Fossil Fuels. And the Minimum Wage. And those Darn Republicans. And Affordable Housing. But I didn’t find anything noteworthy in the Middle East to Tweet about. Which is unusual, because my last name is “Schumer” which comes from the Hebrew “Shomer” or “Guardian“. Which makes me the guardian of the Jews, right? I never get tired of telling this amazing anecdote!

So yeah, pretty slow news week in terms of Israel and the Middle East. Which is great because it gives me time to reach out to some of the younger and “more rambunctious” lawmakers. Why, just this week I had coffee with that lovely girl Rashida from out in Michigan. She even taught me a song that she learned from her grandma, only Rashida called her grandma “siti”.  Kind of like a “bubbe” in Yiddish right? So anyway, the name of the song was “Falastin baladna al Yahud kalabna”, and let me tell you, it had a very catchy tune! I don’t know Arabic, but it sounded amazing. Like butta! Rashida said the song was about coexistence. Who doesn’t love coexistence?

Then there’s AOC. What a gal! Can I say gal? Is that word OK? Anyways, she came over for a nice visit to my office! And she brought some amazing cookies from a little bakery in Yonkers! She takes care of me like I’m her grandfather! But you know what’s funny? After we noshed on the cookies, she started measuring the drapes and the desk in my office and holding a swatch of carpet up against the floor. Kinda weird, but you know kids these days right? Anyhoo I asked her what she was doing and she said it was an old Puerto Rican Tradition that one performs when visiting a respected elder. Well I guess that respected elder is me! Naches!

So seriously, is anything happening in Israel this week? Because my staff haven’t told me anything.

Start Up Nation, The IDF

Victory: IDF weaponizes its inability to write a proper English sentence

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/14/2021 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Israel scored a major victory today over Hamas forces in the Gaza Strip, as sources claim that dozens of Hamas fighters were killed in their underground bunkers. Yet the tactical deception that preceded the attack is just as important as the aerial strikes. You see, The IDF sent out a tweet claiming that the IDF was attacking “in the Gaza Strip” leading Hamas troops to move to their attack tunnels. However, whoever wrote the Tweet had as much of a grasp of English prepositions as the guy on Banana Beach last year who wanted to sleep with you and/or invite you to his mom’s Moshav for Shabbat that weekend. In fact, IDF troops were engaged in combat operations on the Israeli side of the border. The Daily Freier rushed to an impromptu News Conference at IDF Headquarters on Kaplan Street.

As newscasters from throughout Israel and the World waited, an IDF spokesperson named Dudi strolled into the briefing room carrying a darbuka drum and a bag of sunflower seeds.

“The ehhmm….ehmm the Tweet it was good, no?” inquired Dudi as he rolled a spliff and sipped a coffee hafuch.

An attractive female newscaster from Denmark asked Dudi just what went into the strategic decision to trick Hamas with false information.

“Ehhm, it was a big nothing, you understand what I’m saying?” Dudi replied while winking. Then he offered the newscaster a chaser of Arak.

The Daily Freier demanded to know how a World-Class Military force with access to thousands of native-English speaking citizens failed to produce proper English sentences, yet Dudi responded that all of the Anglo Olim in Israel had been called up on emergency taskings in order to augment the IDF’s Olah Hadashah Code talking Unit.

As the news conference drew to a close, Dudi indicated that upon completion of his IDF obligations, he would go back to writing the English translations for Tel Aviv menus.

Hamas, Tikkun Olam

Top Ten Gaza Solidarity Events this Week that you did not hear about

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/26/2018 at 10:30 PM

London: So this week, we learned that a certain group of credulous Lefty London Jews decided to hold Kaddish for the 52 members of Hamas and Islamic Jihad who tried to breach the fence and kill the Jooz unarmed protesters killed by the Zionist Entity this week. But did you know that there were other Gaza Solidarity events this week? The Daily Freier found the ten most profound events and now is sharing them with you, our readers.

  1. Quidditch for Gaza
  2. Pimms & Tiny Sandwiches for Gaza
  3. Improv for Gaza
  4. Pub Quiz for Gaza
  5. Yard Sale for Gaza
  6. Charades for Gaza
  7. Queers for Gaza (Oops! This actually happened!)
  8. Curling for Gaza
  9. Bunko for Gaza
  10. Salsa for Gaza
BDS

Womens’ Gaza Flotilla delayed after getting Lost & stopping for Directions

Womens Gaza flotilla Daily FreierBy Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/17/2016 at 9:00 AM

Barcelona: A Women-Only “Flotilla to Gaza” has run into an unexpected problem after getting lost somewhere between Barcelona and Sardinia.  The Flotilla, which set out to show Solidarity with a regime that promotes Honor Killings and Polygamy the women of Gaza, has been at sea for four days and according to the latest Blog entry of Bree Skyfire-Williams, one of the Ship’s four Co-Captains, they have “like no idea where they are” and “need to maybe stop another ship and ask for directions or something.” The Daily Freier was able to communicate further with the crew via What’s-App whenever they got some decent Wi-Fi.

“I think our problems started before we even got on the boat.” explained Jade, who took a month off of work from her job at the World Bank in order to participate. Jade, who was appointed to the Packing and Supply Committee, described the chain of events. “I mean our  Ships’ Manifest didn’t account for everyone packing way too much stuff for the trip.” To further drive home this point, Jade showed us the packing list of Melissa from the (Fair Trade) Coffee Committee:

“A cold weather outfit, a warm weather outfit, some formal wear in case we go some place nice, a hat, boots, my laptop, Uggs, a yoga mat, yoga pants, French press, a little black dress, 5 swimsuits, hair dryer, 9 pairs of shoes, waffle iron, Crocs, coconut oil, scrunchies, my journal, crystals, ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho, a headscarf, and my rice cooker.”

Jade continued. “Now just multiply that by 20 women, and, well, we had to unload the two boxes of stuff we had for Gaza.”

The boat suffered a further delay when after stopping to ask some Moroccan fishermen how to get to “The Occupied Territories“, the fishermen directed the boat to Ceuta and Melilla.

As the ship continued to flounder lost at sea, Hanin Zoabi attempted to steer the ship “properly“, leaving some hurt feelings. Bree explained.  “I just feel that Hanin’s tone was being like, really hurtful? The navigation committee worked on our planned route for like six months? And changing course is a really big step? I just think we really need to discuss this. And discuss. And discuss. And discuss.”

In a separate conversation, Laurel provided a counterpoint to Bree’s contention. “I don’t want to say that she’s jealous, but ever since I was elected to chair the meals and snacks committee, Bree has just been making some real sniping comments without actually contributing to any of the constructive dialogue.”

When Bree got wind of Laurel’s position, she replied. “I mean, this is coming from a very deep and sacred place? But I really can’t stand Laurel.”

While the Israeli Navy has demonstrated a noted sense of relief from the Flotilla’s Delay, they maintain a contingency plan: an all-Frechot boarding team consisting of Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav.

At last report, the Flotilla had diverted to Tuscany in order to go antiquing this Sunday.

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Hamas, Start Up Nation

Israel solves fake West Bank water crisis by opening fake dams by Gaza.

Israel solves fake West Bank water crisis by opening fake dams by Gaza Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/20/2016 at 4:40 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: In a true win-win for everyone, Israel responded to a fake accusation of cutting off water to the West Bank during Ramadan by opening the fake dams that Hamas says Israel opens every Spring to flood the Gaza Strip.

The UK Independent wrote an article accusing Israel of cutting off water to Israel based on the testimony of an employee of the Palestinian Authority, who also have some novel concepts of what ingredients go into matzoh.  A spokesperson for the Israeli government told The Independent there is “no truth” in the claims, and noted that the shortages were down to faulty water lines, with video provided.

On the other hand, this Spring Gaza’s Hamas rulers blamed floods on Israel opening dams that don’t actually, like, exist and stuff.  Upon being corrected, some news outlets retracted the story, including the notorious Zionist outlet Al-Jazeera (Really! They did a good job too!), while others such as AFP were too busy catching up on Game of Thrones or something to fix the mistake.

So it was just amazing when these two make-believe ideas cancelled each other out. Moti C, a spokesperson for the  Israeli Water Board, explained the move to the Daily Freier.  “We figured we’ve been operating fake dams in Southern Israel for so long, we can afford to divert some fake water to fix a fake cutoff of water supplies. That’s why we’re calling this “Operation Costanza“.

Eddie the Israeli spy vulture  could not be reached for comment.

Bar Refaeli, Guest Writer Wednesday

Bar Refaeli ‘devastated’ not to be named in Panama Papers

BRBy Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/6/2016 at 11:20 AM

Tel Aviv: Publicity-shy full-time supermodel and part-time Israeli taxpayer Bar Refaeli has gone into hiding, with tremendous shame, after failing to make it onto the list of celebrities and politicians exposed in the Panama Papers for illegal deals and dodgy finances.

The Mossack Fonseca law firm in the Central American statelet was revealed this week to be the engine room where the world’s rich got filthy, stinking and dirty rich.  And nobody offered Ms. Rafaeli a piece of the action, rendering The Israeli supermodel too upset to speak. Her PR agent explained: ‘Ms. Refaeli is dismayed at her absence from this exclusive list. More than 11 million documents and nothing. Especially when a real D-Lister like the Prime Minister of Iceland made the team.‘

Years of Sesame Street accounting, imaginative wedding lists, and hiding the shekels under her Princess and the Pea four poster bed during her ‘army service’ have all proved futile as she failed to make it onto neither this list nor the Forbes Rich list. 

Her agent continued. ‘She is a fighter and will be back to claim maternity benefits and appear on Big Brother to complement her meagre salary.’ Additionally, Bar’s agent informed the Daily Freier that his client intended to never wear a Panama hat as long as she lived.

Meanwhile, as one Israeli supermodel hid away from the papers, another, Wonder Woman’s Gal Gadot, was all over them. She was tipped for Oscar stardom after impressing audiences with her 59 words and wrist action in the three-hour Batman vs Superman snoozathon. Even in ultra-conservative Gaza, Hamas militants left their tunnels and rockets to download the original TV series and compare her performance to the iconic Lynda Carter. Gaza tailors are currently working on a Wonder Woman suicide belt in time for Naqba Day.

BDS, Hamas, Roger Waters

Roger Waters in Stable Condition after Gaza Tunnel Collapse

“I was only down there for the acoustics!”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/21/2016 at 11:20 PM

Gaza City: Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters is in serious but stable condition after getting caught in the collapse of a tunnel southeast of Gaza City earlier today. The Daily Freier was at the scene when a representative from the Palestinian Red Crescent briefed the assembled press. “It was approximately 3:00 PM when the Zionist Entity and its Egyptian lackeys triggered a cave-in of the tunnel, trapping 3 of our pious and motivated young tunnelers, as well as our bizarre but helpful friend Mister Roger Waters.”

When asked by MSNBC how rescue workers were able to find Mr. Waters, the spokesperson explained. “The tunnel was impassable to humans at this point, so we brought in Farfour the Mouse. He was able to find our friend by homing in on the intense scent of bitter self-righteousness that emanated from his body even when he was unconscious. Incidentally, this was exactly how we found Jimmy Carter after he accidentally wandered into the Sand Dunes last year during Ramadan.”

For his part, Roger Waters was insistent that he had done nothing wrong. “I know that the Zionists and their friends in the press will try to spin this in some negative light, but I was merely in the tunnel for its acoustics. You see, I’m recording a new single “Indigenous Olive Oil Can Flow Through Any Wall”, and I really needed just the right sound. But I think the vibrations from the snare drum may have set off a tremor and destroyed the tunnel.”

When the Daily Freier pointed out that since the tunnels go under the border, that he may have inadvertently stepped into Israel, he got really upset and his catheter fell out.

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Israel's Spy Animals

Israel Spy Vulture Released by Lebanon, Joins “Breaking the Silence”

IMG_4154By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/31/2016 at 10:30 AM

Golan, Gamla Nature Preserve: The accused “Mossad Spy Vulture” captured last week in Southern Lebanon has been returned to Israel with the assistance of the United Nations, but that is not the end of the story.  The vulture, who goes by “Eddie”, has decided to join the controversial IDF veterans group “Breaking the Silence”, known for their whistleblowing activities and testimony against Israel.

Not surprisingly, this move has led to quite a bit of animosity with some of his former comrades from the Animal Kingdom. In fact,  Eddie and the famous Mossad Spy Dolphin have been busy trading insults on Social Media for much of the weekend.  As the war of words escalated, the Daily Freier was able to speak with Eddie via Skype.

“The dolphin? What a showboat. It was always about him. Not only that, but he was also kind of a racist, always reminding me that as a mammal he was more evolutionarily advanced than I was. What a jerk.”  Eddie continued to vent about his former comrades. “Oh and by the way….. All the goofy stories about Israel’s spying animals? 100% True. The kestrel that the Turks put through an X-Ray machine looking for spy equipment? Well they should have looked harder. The hummingbird that was interrogated by a Turkish counter-terrorism team? That was us. The sharks that stalked the beaches off of Sinai? Us again. The wild pigs that ravage the West Bank? We release them every night…… But don’t take my word for it……Just Ask President Abbas!!!!!!! The vulture captured by the Saudis in 2011? He’s my cousin by marriage….but we no longer speak. They’re all feasting on a sheep carcass right now near the Kinneret.  But do I get an invite? No. Not that I’m bitter. Being a truth-teller is not an easy path.”

In an effort to move on, Eddie plans to tour University campuses along the East Coast as part of an “Interfaith Dialogue and Reconciliation” tour with the Hamas Bumblebee later this Spring

The New York Times

Exciting Contest From The New York Times! Find the Factual Statement in Today’s Diaa Hadid Column!

Screen-Shot-2015-09-16-at-4.14.27-PM-1

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 1/29/2016 at 9:30 PM

Manhattan: Readers of the New York Times are in for a unique treat as the Paper of Record has launched an exciting contest. From now through the end of February, New York Times Middle East Reporter Diaa Hadid places one factual statement in each of her stories and challenges you to find it!

New York Times’ Reader Advocate Margaret Sullivan explained the contest. “Think of this as a ‘Where’s Waldo?’ of the Middle East, except instead of looking for a goofy dork in a striped shirt, you’re looking for something Diaa said that wasn’t hearsay, rumor, cock and bull story, or fantasy!” Ms. Sullivan continued.  “This may stop us from having to provide disclaimers and editorial corrections to each of her stories…..Basically, it’s all about context. If we change the narrative from trying to spot the falsehoods in Diaa’s work to trying to find the real stuff, then that is a real win-win across the board.”

Intrepid Times readers who find the factual statement in a given article are entitled to their choice of an NPR totebag, a CD of James Taylor and Carole King live in concert from Tanglewood, or a $20 gift certificate to Zabars.

Word of the contest has spread quickly, with dedicated readers springing into action. David F. Of Monterey, California shared his excitement about the competition. “This is amazing! I was reading Diaa’s article about the ‘siege’ of Gaza and I kept scouring for the part that wasn’t made up. So I checked and checked. No reference to Egypt also maintaining a blockade. No reference to Egypt building a moat filled with sewage. No reference to the United Nations trucks entering every day from Israel. No reference to imported cement ending up being used to build Hamas attack tunnels leading to Israel. No reference to the new mall they built. And then, Bam! I found it! She wrote ‘Gaza, which lies along the Mediterranean Sea…..’ Now where do I collect my prize?”

Diaa, who used to write for noted “middle of the road” publication Electronic Intifada, seemed to take the whole thing in stride. “After my story about the reported expulsion of Palestinians from the Old City where I forgot to, like, you know, interview any Israelis, I’ve been taking a bit of heat from the Jooz  media watchdogs. But I don’t get it. Like what’s with the surprise? It’s not like I’ve kept my biases on the DL.  Anyways, this contest seems like a good way to move past that. Besides, I’ve got a lot on my plate. Next week I have a 1,000 word piece about the Nicole Brown/Ron Goldman murders that I’m going to write based strictly on my interview with OJ Simpson!”

 

Guest Writer Wednesday, Hamas

GUEST WRITER WEDNESDAY PRESENTS: “Hamas Got Talent”!

Talent

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/25/2015 at 11:20 AM

Gaza City:  TV ratings when through the roof this Saturday, literally, as Simon Cowell made his much-anticipated debut as a judge on ‘Hamas Got Talent.’ More than 20 million tuned in across the Arab world, averting their eyes when Cowell entered stage right, wearing his extremely high-waisted and tight trousers, accompanied by a scantily clad Nicole Sherzinger, from the Pussycat Dolls.

There was much outrage in Israel last month when the multi-billion dollar franchise was extended to the Gaza Strip and auditions began in a UN school to find the next superstar from the tiny, long-suffering enclave.

“It is absolutely appalling how the Palestinians have applied to be part of this worldwide showbiz extravaganza,” cried Israeli PM Bibi Netanyahu. “Watching teenagers juggle grenades live on stage in a high school is only going to end in tears. And, frankly, we could do without the blame. I’d rather see them in the United Nations,” he added.

A nervous looking Cowell, who was born to a Jewish father, was treated to a line up of Abu Mazen ventriloquists, a somersaulting Hitler Youth urban dance act, a magician who stormed a tunnel with explosives, grenades and an AK-47, only to come out the other side, smiling and disembowelled, next to 72 glamorous virgins. Even Nicole Sherzinger clapped. Mahmood El Mahmood, a sweet boy with a stutter came out and blew the audience away, well after his father had, with his version of Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man.’ Cowell pressed the golden buzzer, Mahmood went through to the finals in Ramallah and the roof exploded.

But the real drama was reserved for Fatima Al Boom Shak-a-Lak, whose father disowned her when she dropped out of bomb-making and swastika classes to take up singing in her bedroom. Dressed in a sultry ankle-length black number, and a balaclava, she dedicated her mash-up of Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake it Off’ and Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ to him but her ashamed father chopped his own head off in the gents toilets during the commercial break.

Al Jazeera, which broadcast the show, called the show a hit, as did the BBC, which led with the headline “Palestinians sing and dance through their pain after Israeli rocket targets TV studio. The next episode airs Sunday at 9pm Israel time, 2pm Central.

 

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