Tag: The Bible

From the Freier's Archives....

G-d spare’s Onan’s life after he sort of apologizes on CNN

Last Updated 1st of Sivan 1476 BCE

Valley of Sorek: The Holy One Praised be He has decided to spare the life of Onan son of Judah, a Man whose life has recently been jerked off course taken an unfortunate turn. Onan had been instructed to get his brother’s widow Tamar pregnant, but he pulled out of his commitment at the last minute, angering HaShem and placing himself on The Tetragrammaton’s Naughty List. Yet Onan was able to redeem himself by appearing on CNN and making a half-assed apology. Let’s go right to the transcripts!

Elisheva Bat Camerota: Hello and Welcome to CNN. Apparently a man did something with his pickle, yet here I am with the immense privilege of interviewing him. Sarcasm if you didn’t notice.  Hello Glass Ceilings. Anyway, here’s Onan Ben Yudah. Hi Onan. Umm, what’s up?

Onan Ben Yudah: Hello Elisheva and thank you for having me. Right off the bat I would like to apologize to anybody who was offended by my actions. Also I would like to thank The Creator for being a good sport about all of this and not striking me down.

Elisheva: Yeah, Adon Olam is really giving you a second chance. Have you had a chance for reflection?

Onan: I just feel that we need to put this into context. I mean, the George Floyd Protests. Trump. Corona. Trump. The Kim and Kanye Breakup. Trump….. I was under a lot of stress.

Elisheva: So you were looking for some stress relief.

Onan: Yeah I guess so. The important thing is that we all move on from this and look toward the future. Like looking for my Lost Uncle Joseph.

Elisheva: Yeah where exactly was your dad on the day Joseph disappeared?

Onan: Umm… So let’s talk about the Friends Reunion! Don’t they look great?

Elisheva: OK Onan, thanks for stopping by the Studio. Coming up, Tamar talks about her personal journey and the mysterious older man she recently met up with!

Onan: The title of my new book is “Oops!”  Available on Amazon!

[FADE TO BLACK]

The Donald

Great Trumpian moments in the Bible

Great Trumpian moments in the BibleSCENE: Gaza, 12th Century B.C.E

Samson: Delilah you are an amazing harlot. Just amazing. And I’ve had the best. And believe me, I am VERY rich. Here, have some silver coins.

Delilah: Oh Samson, you are gorgeous AND generous.

Samson: I know.

Delilah (running her hands through Samson’s comb-over): Tell me Samson. Do you have ANY weaknesses?

Samson: Delilah baby, let me tell you. I have the best Intel. Just the best. People come to me all the time with great Intel. Amazing Intel. And my people are telling me things. Great, Great people. They’re telling me I can never cut my hair. My magically yuge hair. Or else I will lose my super powers. Bigly.

Delilah (purring in his ear): Oh Samson. Your secret is safe with me.

SCENE: Jericho in the time of Joshua

Israelite Spy: Rahab the harlot, please help us gain knowledge about our enemies.

Rahab: Sure, no problem. You seem nice enough.

Israelite Spy: Is there someone in this city who is loose with the tongue and tends to overshare?

Rahab (smiling slyly): I know just the guy.

….. Later, in the Shuk…..

Rahab:  Oh Donald Ben Fred! You are looking even better than normal! Have you been working out?

Donald: Guilty as charged baby. What’s shaking?

Rahab: Donald, let me introduce you to my, umm, cousin from out-of-town.

Donald: Hey pal. You wanna see our amazing city defenses? They’re the best. Just the best.

Spy: Donald Ben Fred, thou art wise and generous. But your city must have SOME weakness.

Donald (leans in to whisper): Now that you mention it, the city fears Israel and HaShem. Also, the walls….

Spy (furtively scribbling on papyrus): Go on.

SCENE: Sodom, the time of Abraham

Angel: Lot son of Haran, thank you for sheltering us in your home.

Lot: Mi home es su home.

(A man appears)

Angel: Wait, who is this?

Lot: Oh that is my good friend, HaDonald. He buys and sells clay huts.

Angel: OK, but he’s discreet?

Lot: Bigly.

….Later on the streets of Sodom…..

Unruly Mob: Hey HaDonald, we want to molest some strangers! Do you know where we can find some?

HaDonald: Well you won’t find any strangers at Lot’s home, let me tell you. Believe me, there are not two strangers at Lot’s house.

Unruly Mob: Lot’s house! Let’s roll!

HaDonald: Wait! I said there were no strangers there! You’re making a mistake! a yuge mistake!

 

ISIS, The IDF

Mystical protective Cloud on the Golan already planning his post-IDF trip to India

(Photo Credit: Youtube)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/10/2016 at 1:30 PM

Golan Heights, Israel (Sorry Bashar): The mysterious dark pillar of clouds that stood between an IDF patrol and ISIS on the Golan Heights last week already has big plans for what’s he’s going to do after the army. The vertical cumulus cloud, named ‘Boaz’, said he is ‘counting down the days‘ until the end of his enlistment, at which point he and some of his army buddies plan to go on a 3 month trip to India and Nepal that he says “is going to be sick“, “really crazy” and “just out of control“. Boaz, who comes from a family of storm clouds from outside of Israel and therefore qualifies as a Chayal Boded or “Lone soldier”, finishes his enlistment next May. The Daily Freier Caught up with Boaz on Thursday night at a bar on Dizengoff street as he enjoyed a weekend pass with a few of the guys from his unit.

Boaz told us that they chose this particular bar on Dizengoff “because one of the guys in my squad said he had a bit of luck here“. When we arrived, Boaz and his buddies spotted several women from a “MASA” exchange program sitting by themselves and they quickly introduced themselves and sat down at their table. Soon, Boaz stretched out, exhaled, leaned back in his chair and nonchalantly wrapped his cloud arms behind the back of two young women as he told them stories about his Army duty and how just this week he “like saved my entire platoon from ISIS“.

Later, Boaz admitted that while he is getting a lot of credit for last week’s encounter, he has also gotten in some trouble during his enlistment. Last year, he received non-judicial punishment from his company commander after a prank he played against the Mossad Spy Vulture went horribly wrong. “That bird is just an idiot. So I created an updraft of hot air while he was flying. Unfortunately, that accidentally forced him into Lebanese air space where he was captured. Last I checked he was home free and had joined ‘Breaking the Silence‘ or something. And I got 30 days confined to base.”

While Boaz can’t get out of the army fast enough, he also mentioned that after India he may want to go back to school, get a meteorology degree, and come back as a weather officer. “I don’t think they can say no. I mean I don’t just know about weather. I AM weather.”

But for now, Boaz just wants to dream about what his trip will be like. “Just hang out on the beach in Goa and maybe smoke a bit. Rent a moped. Go to an ashram and just chill. Maybe go backpacking. I actually have some cousins over there who are cirrus clouds, so it will be nice to see them again.” Boaz also explained that on this trip being a cloud would have its advantages. “Sometimes hostels won’t rent to Israeli backpackers because…..well I guess that’s because they once rented to Israeli backpackers…… But I can just show them my second passport from Cloud and everything will be chill.”

Boaz’s friends who will accompany him to India include such other mythical enlistees as “The Israel Spy Dolphin“, a talking dog from the K-9 unit, the wild boars that Mahmoud Abbas says Israel releases on the West Bank every night to ruin crops, the Zionist sharks in the Sinai, and the soldier on your Birthright trip who honestly really really isn’t trying to bang you.

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