Tag: Tamar

G-d spare’s Onan’s life after he sort of apologizes on CNN

Last Updated 1st of Sivan 1476 BCE

Valley of Sorek: The Holy One Praised be He has decided to spare the life of Onan son of Judah, a Man whose life has recently been jerked off course taken an unfortunate turn. Onan had been instructed to get his brother’s widow Tamar pregnant, but he pulled out of his commitment at the last minute, angering HaShem and placing himself on The Tetragrammaton’s Naughty List. Yet Onan was able to redeem himself by appearing on CNN and making a half-assed apology. Let’s go right to the transcripts!


Elisheva Bat Camerota: Hello and Welcome to CNN. Apparently a man did something with his pickle, yet here I am with the immense privilege of interviewing him. Sarcasm if you didn’t notice.  Hello Glass Ceilings. Anyway, here’s Onan Ben Yudah. Hi Onan. Umm, what’s up?

Onan Ben Yudah: Hello Elisheva and thank you for having me. Right off the bat I would like to apologize to anybody who was offended by my actions. Also I would like to thank The Creator for being a good sport about all of this and not striking me down.

Elisheva: Yeah, Adon Olam is really giving you a second chance. Have you had a chance for reflection?

Onan: I just feel that we need to put this into context. I mean, the George Floyd Protests. Trump. Corona. Trump. The Kim and Kanye Breakup. Trump….. I was under a lot of stress.

Elisheva: So you were looking for some stress relief.

Onan: Yeah I guess so. The important thing is that we all move on from this and look toward the future. Like looking for my Lost Uncle Joseph.

Elisheva: Yeah where exactly was your dad on the day Joseph disappeared?

Onan: Umm… So let’s talk about the Friends Reunion! Don’t they look great?

Elisheva: OK Onan, thanks for stopping by the Studio. Coming up, Tamar talks about her personal journey and the mysterious older man she recently met up with!

Onan: The title of my new book is “Oops!”  Available on Amazon!

[FADE TO BLACK]

 

 

Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date’s living room

Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date's living roomBy Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/3/2016 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Bialik Street: A complex yet disturbing chain of events played out last night in Tel Aviv that culminated in a woman discovering that the “gross” couch that she threw away on Friday has somehow found a new home in the living room of her Tinder date.  Rothschild-Area Web Designer Tamar B. found herself face to face with her former couch at the end of an evening spent getting drinks with local guy Eitan C.  This morning Tamar described the chain of events to the Daily Freier.

“I threw it away because it’s disgusting. My old housemate Noa loved it, but apparently not enough to bring it with her when she moved out.  I even waited 24 hours after she left before I got rid of that thing, just in case she came back for it.  It was so gross that my Vaad Bayit wouldn’t even take it.

Tamar expressed total disappointment with her date’s acquisition of the former couch. “This sucks. He seemed normal. I mean not ‘normal normal‘, but like ‘Tel Aviv normal‘: like he seems sane and I think he has a job and I’m kinda sure he’s straight.  Actually, I’m sure he’s straight because that chair is a stylistic Hate Crime.

When the evening led back to Eitan’s place “so he could make me a special coffee with cardamom that he learned how to make in Morocco“, Tamar experienced the horror of confronting her ex-furniture. “It was traumatic. He immediately lost 10 points.  What’s worse is that he claimed he got it at an antique shop in Yafo.  I mean…reallyI just don’t get it. Why do these things always happen to me?”

While Tamar has been mum on the final outcome of yesterday’s evening, sources within her circle of girlfriends spoke with the Daily Freier under condition of anonymity and shared screenshots of Tamar’s texts from last night

Tinder couch text Daily Freier

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