Tag: KellyAnne Conway

50 Shades of Theresa May

Donald Trump Tehresa May

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/13/2017 at 8:30 AM

Washington DC: In light of the G-20 summit, The Donald has just been called by The Theresa.  And naturally the FBI and MI5 bugged the conversation ……aaaand then somehow Donald Trump Junior was given a copy ……aaaand then the Daily Freier got a copy from him by pretending to be a hot Russian journalist with the goods on Hillary……  aaand we are now sharing it with you: our loyal and credulous readership. So without further ado, here it is……

(Transcript, Joint FBI/MI5 Telephone Intercept, 11 July 2017, 1356 GMT)

Location: The Oval Office, District of Columbia

[BEGIN INTERCEPT]

Unidentified Female (KellyAnne Conway?): Maggie is on line 1, Mr President.

President Trump (POTUS): Put sourface through.

Prime Minister May (PM May): A jolly good morning to you Mr. President [hysterically nervous can’t-believe-I am-still-here laughter] How are you?

POTUS: Angie, my little hausfrau……

PM May: No, Theresa, Theresa. The H is silent.

POTUS: Aaaah, Teresienstadt. Yes, my kinky vicar’s daughter, how you doing gorgeous? What time did you want to play? I think Angie was also interested. Did you see that eye roll at Vlad? I haven’t seen a cold shoulder like that since I cut up Ivana’s credit cards…..

PM May: Oh indeed. Quite the drama queen, Mr. President. We aim to shaft those Germans in our negotiations, sir.

POTUS: Amazing. Just amazing. Again, America is with you. But earlier this time.

PM May: Britain is so grateful for the Special Relationship, Donald. On that note, you mentioned at the G-20 this powerful trade agreement between us.

POTUS: Baby, all of my relationships are special. So much special…..But I was talking about our powerful chemistry. We held hands. Went viral. Bigly.

PM May: You said you wanted something quickly sealed in London.

POTUS: Yes, Melania is with her mother again next weekend. Eastern European women, know what I’m saying? Plus I can probably get out of the meeting about nuking North Korea. So…. you lookin’ for a free ride on the Trump Express?

[Line goes dead]

POTUS: Theresa…Theresaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [like Marlon Brando’s “Stellaaa” in Streetcar Named Desire]…..KellyAnne, get me that Merkel woman on the line. And don’t stop ’til you get past the Hasselhoff hold music.

KellyAnne Conway: Yes Mister President.

POTUS:  Gotta put a smile on one broad’s chops even if I have to covfefe……

[END OF INTERCEPT]

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The Secret Diary of Theresa Bridget-Jones-May, aged 60 ¾

 March 15, 2017 The Secret Diary of Theresa Bridget Jones, aged 60 ¾

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 3/15/2017 at 10:30 PM

London, Westminster: The British security and intelligence agencies were left scratching their heads last night after UK Prime Minister Theresa Bridget-Jones-May left her personal diary on a high-speed train to Reading. It is the most embarrassing incident to happen on an East Midlands train since her predecessor ‘Call Me Dave’ Cameron was caught red-handed in the disabled toilets with a wild boar named Beryl who hailed from Cheshire.

The terror threat around Flange Station was raised to salmon pink as MI-5 agents frantically scoured the carriages, interrogating anyone who looked like they had been on holiday or had an Irish accent.

In an exclusive breakthrough just hours ago, a page of the diary was leaked to the Daily Freier’s Editorial Staff, raising speculation about the Prime Minister’s ‘special relationship’ with US ginger heart-throb Donny ‘So Much Winning’ Trump.

Ever since he called me before Vladimir and Angie, my heart has been all aflutter at the prospect of his visit. I have taken up a little Zumba and I already have my new kitten heels from last summer’s holiday in Magaluf. I think I will also trim my “Maggie“.

The “Maggie” is a popular hairstyle favoured by politicians such as Angela Merkel and the new King of Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon, who immediately called for a third referendum on whether haggis should be served in post-Brexit Britain.

Sources are rushing to establish if the diary’s handwriting was that of the Prime Minister or of senior Republican strategist KellyAnne ‘Feet on the Sofa’ Conway. Asked for a comment on how special the relationship was by the White House press corps (which now consists of just Smitty, a janitor at the Washington Post plus the guy who writes Garfield), Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-Calm-Now’ Spicer said: “She’s no Melania, but I so would…” before screaming “I gave you 2 pages of his tax receipts, just go home!

A real clue was scribbled on the back of the diary entry: “When our hands touched at the White House, it was wonderfully romantic, I can’t explain it, there was instant electricity… carpal tunnel, arthritis, rheumatism.

Case closed.