(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 7/13/2017 at 8:30 AM
Washington DC: In light of the G-20 summit, The Donald has just been called by The Theresa. And naturally the FBI and MI5 bugged the conversation ……aaaand then somehow Donald Trump Junior was given a copy ……aaaand then the Daily Freier got a copy from him by pretending to be a hot Russian journalist with the goods on Hillary…… aaand we are now sharing it with you: our loyal and credulous readership. So without further ado, here it is……
(Transcript, Joint FBI/MI5 Telephone Intercept, 11 July 2017, 1356 GMT)
Location: The Oval Office, District of Columbia
Unidentified Female (KellyAnne Conway?): Maggie is on line 1, Mr President.
President Trump (POTUS): Put sourface through.
Prime Minister May (PM May): A jolly good morning to you Mr. President [hysterically nervous can’t-believe-I am-still-here laughter] How are you?
POTUS: Angie, my little hausfrau……
PM May: No, Theresa, Theresa. The H is silent.
POTUS: Aaaah, Teresienstadt. Yes, my kinky vicar’s daughter, how you doing gorgeous? What time did you want to play? I think Angie was also interested. Did you see that eye roll at Vlad? I haven’t seen a cold shoulder like that since I cut up Ivana’s credit cards…..
PM May: Oh indeed. Quite the drama queen, Mr. President. We aim to shaft those Germans in our negotiations, sir.
POTUS: Amazing. Just amazing. Again, America is with you. But earlier this time.
PM May: Britain is so grateful for the Special Relationship, Donald. On that note, you mentioned at the G-20 this powerful trade agreement between us.
POTUS: Baby, all of my relationships are special. So much special…..But I was talking about our powerful chemistry. We held hands. Went viral. Bigly.
PM May: You said you wanted something quickly sealed in London.
POTUS: Yes, Melania is with her mother again next weekend. Eastern European women, know what I’m saying? Plus I can probably get out of the meeting about nuking North Korea. So…. you lookin’ for a free ride on the Trump Express?
[Line goes dead]
POTUS: Theresa…Theresaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [like Marlon Brando’s “Stellaaa” in Streetcar Named Desire]…..KellyAnne, get me that Merkel woman on the line. And don’t stop ’til you get past the Hasselhoff hold music.
KellyAnne Conway: Yes Mister President.
POTUS: Gotta put a smile on one broad’s chops even if I have to covfefe……
[END OF INTERCEPT]