Tel Aviv: With the news that Joe Biden is on track to win the Presidency, things might get a bit rough for our Prime Minister, as The Bibi and The Donald had developed quite a rapport over the years. Plus, Biden served as President Obama’s VP and Netanyahu’s relationship with Obama were kinda hit or miss. So Prime Minister Netanyahu knew he had to act fast. This morning, Bibi sent a nice note to the Democratic National Committee outlining a new initiative.
“I just built a statue of Bernie Sanders on Tel Aviv Beach!” it announced. “I know how much you love that guy! Let’s open a new chapter of cooperation between our two great nations!“
The Prime Minister defended his actions at a hastily held Press Conference at the Knesset, taking questions from the assembled reporters. When the Daily Freier confronted him, noting that the statue in fact depicted famed Israeli Prime Minister David Ben Gurion, Bibi replied: “I said it was a statue of a cranky Ashkenazi Socialist born a long time ago. Tell me where I lied.”
Following the press conference, Yair Netanyahu announced that in the spirit of goodwill, he “would like to show Hunter Biden the town” when Mr. Biden’s son visits Tel Aviv.
Tel Aviv, HaYarkon Street: A 1989 agreement that foresaw a US Embassy move to Jerusalem stipulated that Israel would take custody of the old Tel Aviv location free of charge. Yet according to published reports, the United States has backtracked, and will not hand over the prime beachfront property on HaYarkon Street.
Political commentators surmised that the United States might sell the property to the highest bidder. But sources from within the Trump Administration have revealed that Israel will in fact be granted the property on condition that it becomes the physical campus for the Trump University Graduate School of Diplomacy. President Trump explained his rationale:
“This school, my school, rectifies a total real estate disaster initiated by the Bush Administration in 1989. Just like I got us out of his son’s mess in Iraq, I’m ensuring the United States makes the most of this key property holding.”
In the past two months, the Trump Administration has touted its key role in Israeli normalization deals with the United Arab Emirates, the Kingdom of Bahrain, and Sudan, and has suggested that numerous other Arab nations are purportedly interested in peace with the Jewish state.
“I don’t need the credit for peace, because they’ll never give it to me, even though I definitely deserve it. The **TRUMP** School of Diplomacy will be a huge step in the quest for future peace, and no less importantly, will let the world know who is responsible for it, even though it doesn’t matter.”
The graduate school will offer a Masters’ degree with optional focuses in Deal Making, Negotiating, and Winning. It will be the first institution to offer an M.A.d. (Master of Arts… of the Deal).
The **TRUMP** School of Diplomacy will be the President’s second academic center in Israel. Trump Yeshiva, the Judaic Studies Department at Trump University, is currently headquartered in one of the many haunted corridors of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station. Upon opening of the Trump School of Diplomacy, Trump Yeshiva plans to move to the Embassy complex, in the annex right next to where they’re going to be selling Trump Steaks.
Gotta tell ya, that cartoon was disgusting. One of your worst. For historical reference, it resembled something from Der Stürmer circa 1934. Using the theme of a blind American President being led around by an Israeli Prime Minister? Come on, really? Knowing the historic context of this accusation? You portrayed a Jewish leader as a dog. On a leash, no less! Under his collar was a Star of David. Really? Was that really necessary? Showing Jews as dogs is a step toward dehumanization. Everyone knows that, right? Lots of Editors had to be in on the approval process for this piece. Very curious, is anyone losing their job over this cartoon? Either that or nothing is actually going to happen to anyone who had a part of this, right? So in conclusion, Apology Not Accepted.
So Israel and the Palestinian Authority ended some sort of dispute, and now Jordan can give them some mail that’s been held up since 2008 (Anyone who thinks this is just because of “The Occupation” is welcome to help us get our $50 worth of clothes from the Gap™ out of Ben Gurion Airport Customs without paying the $30 in fees that they demanded from us). But what long-hidden truths have been revealed? The Daily Freier got one of our Scandinavian backpacker friends to check out Ramallah and come back with a full report. And what a report it was! It’s like a Time Capsule from 2008! The first iPhone! Obamamania! Taylor Swift just broke up with a Jonas Brother! If only we could…. never mind. Anyhoo, here are the Top 10 Revelations in the mail!
10) That gift we need to get Hosni Mubarak for his “30 Years as President” party? Skip.
9) That invite to Qadaffi’s 2011 Folk Dancing Expo and Film Festival in Tripoli? Same.
8) The 2012 “Bashar Assad Salute to Arab Unity Weekend” in Damascus? You seeing a pattern yet?
3) Obama just beat McCain! We will never get a more sympathetic friend in the White House! Now is the time to really sit down for negotiations and finally get our Palestinian State living in peace next to Israel! Wait, what’s that? We’re just going to blame Israel, do nothing for the next 8 years, and wait for something to happen? OK that also works.
2) Hahahaha! Donald Trump is running for President in 2016! Hahahaha!
The Sea of Tranquility: The Moon has pleaded for UN intervention after it was slapped with harsh sanctions by Donald Trump for its failure to show over North America.
Visible across most of the world apart from the Western Hemisphere, the longest lunar eclipse did not turn red over Washington…. but Mr. Trump did, tweeting: “There’ll be NO more manned NASA flights, no investment in Crescent Moon Towers and I’m pulling the Ambassador. I’ll give them Star Wars.”
After this Close Encounter of The Trump Kind, the Moon told the UN: “This is blatant discrimination with no sanctions imposed on other orbiting Celestial Bodies.”
But Donald hit back: “I’ve had enough of solar systems taking advantage of America for too long and jobs going to extraterrestrials. It started years ago with Saturn running rings around us. Then we found out that Pluto isn’t even a real planet. Well, enough. I won’t change my (Nep)tune or be made to look like Ur anus. #MAGA!”
Tel Aviv: Event organizers were left alarmed and red-faced after a logistical error scheduled the North-South Korea summit to take place in Jerusalem, the royal wedding for Tehran, and next week’s Eurovision Song Contest to be switched to Pyongyang.
The path to North Korean denuclearization will be discussed over rugelach in the Machane Yehuda market. Bibi is currently having the Iranian documents translated and converted into Korean by a Tel Aviv Startup that hired three Olim desperate for a job and some Filipinos who “probably speak the same language or something.”
The Royal Family will arrive in Iran under armed guard on Sunday for the upcoming nuptials of Everyone’s Favourite Ginger with his Hollywood Bride, Fred….. I mean Meghan. The actress from Suits. Street parties and public executions will be accompanied by canapés at 5 PM, while Camilla Parker-Bowles will be sent home strapped to a nuclear warhead later that evening. After honeymooning in Ramallah, the couple are expected to settle in a terraced house in Bognor Regis.
Meanwhile, flights to Portugal for Eurovision 2018 were rerouted to the North Korean capital of Pyongyang after global air traffic control was hacked by first graders in Moscow. All songs considered too liberal, cheesy or colourful are to be censored by State TV with the 15-hour show to instead broadcast ‘Gangnam Style’ on loop, followed by reruns of M*A*S*H.
Donald Trump and Monsieur Macron issued a joint tweet from a fancy hotel room on the Champs Elysees: (#worryingtimes #LoveWins #MelaniaWho?), and then The Donald vowed to reduce world tensions by moving the Embassy to Western Samoa.
“We just wanted to show President Trump how much we appreciated his courage.” explained City Manager Yoni C. “And what better way to honor Mr. Trump than to name our little town after that word he accidentally invented on Twitter last Spring.”
Welcome to yet another edition of the Dear Daily Freier advice column! An outlet that has already allowed YOU the reader to gain needed advice about such pressing subjects as the Israeli bus system, relationships, and pétanque! So without further ado, here are the answers you did not want to the questions you already regret asking!
Dear Daily Freier,
Hi, so I went on Birthright last month and it was A-MA-ZING. But here’s the thing. The soldier on our bus? Danny? From Hadera? Well when we were down at that big crater in the desert….Mizpe Ramon? Well Danny and I (“may have”) wandered off for the night together. I mean, he was so romantic! He even wrote me a poem! In English and Hebrew! But the thing is, later on the trip I’m pretty sure he also “wandered off” with that girl from LA who pretends to be spiritual but is actually just an idiot. Also the girl who went to Amherst. And maybe the girl from Texas with Israeli cousins. And just now I saw on Facebook that Jess from Seattle posted a poem of his. So anyway, I skyped Danny and confronted him about it, and all of a sudden it’s like he forgot how to speak English. He was just mixing up random words in Hebrew and English and I think Spanish. Anyway, what’s the deal? I mean, is he really a romantic or did he just want to hook up with all the girls on the trip?
OK, So I just graduated from NYU. And I’m Jewish. But not Jewish-Jewish. Honestly, I’m not too big on the Temple I grew up in anymore. Or Trump. Or Israel. Because my Intersectional Feminism Professor said that Israel is bad. Like really bad. Anyway, I’m looking for career advice and wondering if you can help me. Like, if you were a Jew who disliked Israel, most Israelis, and also about half of American Jews…. what career field would you go into?
“Woke in Connecticut”
——– Have you thought of becoming a Professor of Judaic Studies at any given University?
Dear Daily Freier,
So suppose you are an amazing leader. A great leader, Very great. The Best. And let’s say you just did something Very Big for a country in the Middle East. With a lot of Jews in it. Nobody loves the Jews like I do. I have the best Jewish grandchildren. Just the best. So again, let’s say you just did something very big for the Jews there. And the Jews in Israel? They Love it. “It’s the Best.” All of them told me that. And Bibi? Great guy. Great, great guy……..But then there’s the Jews in America….. Some of them say thank you. But, gotta admit, some of the others? Not so thankful. No gratitude. Sad. Very Sad. Anyway, I think I lost my train of thought. But do you know what I’m saying?
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Qom: Iran’s economy is reeling after news that the Trump Administration will not renew the amazingly-successful-not-at-all-a-suckers-bet Iran Nuclear Deal. The Iran deal, seen as the centerpiece of Barack Obama’s legacy, has now been turned over to Congress for approval or disapproval, thus imperiling Iran’s weekly access to John Kerry’s lunch money. The Daily Freier spoke with Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammed Javad Zarif, who agreed to speak with us “even though you’re calling from the Zionist Entity“.
“I cannot understand such a betrayal.” lamented Minister Zarif. “We had a deal. I considered John a friend. I mean, Just last week I sold him a very nice Persian rug for a very, very good price….. a price reserved only for close friends. Mister Kerry was supposed to drop off his lunch money tomorrow. How could this happen?”
Former Secretary of State Kerry was equally upset. “I find it particularly galling, the lack of nuance and appreciation for the diplomatic process in the Trump Administration. Just last week I was discussing the merits of the Iran deal at the Brookings Institute. And now it’s in grave danger. Worst of all, now that I don’t have a weekly appointment to wash Zarif’s car, my schedule is in tatters.”
As the interview drew to a close, Secretary Kerry had one more question. “The Daily Freier, eh? I find your newspaper’s name fascinating. Just what is a “Freier” anyway?“
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.