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So it’s been a minute since we heard from Trump Yeshiva, which was once a spin-off of the Daily Freier but somehow went rogue. Ever since The Donald tweeted the Bible for us, Trump Yeshiva was a bit out of control. Their Tisch about Covfefe, musings on Selichot, and bizarre Twitter feud with Preoccupied Territory… the Trump years were a wild ride. But then he lost the Election (Trump fans: Please email us your Conspiracy Theories as to how he actually won!), got deplatformed from Twitter, and then they took down Parlour. It felt like the end of a crazy era. But guess what? Trump Yeshiva is back! We stopped by their Shteibl at the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station* on the floor below the Filipino Markets. So here is the transcript of Mr. Trump’s latest Tisch. It’s about Loyalty! (Warning: Not Safe For Work!)

King Menashe? What. A. Loser. His dad Hezekiah was a Great Builder. Great, Great, Builder. Built an amazing tunnel to the Pools of Siloam. Just an Amazing tunnel. For water. Lots and Lots of Water. So during the Assyrian siege, Evil Senacherib had no water. Because Jerusalem had all the water, Am I right? There was so much water, that the residents of Jerusalem actually got bored of water! They said, please Hezekiah, enough water! We’re tired of water….. So where was I? Oh yeah, Menashe. Now normally, when a guy’s dad is a great developer, the son turns out pretty good too! I mean, Helllooo! But this Menashe, not so much. He turned to other Fake Deities. Like Baal. And Moloch. Really creepy things with the kids, I mean, we’re talking PizzaGate stuff here. So Disloyal. Fuck Him.

Flavius Jospehus? OK, Not a King. So sue me. I’m kidding, people, I’m kidding. Anyway, this guy’s plan to defend Yodfat stinks! I mean, we’re talking a real Mark Milley plan. But when they lose to the Romans, he tricks all his friends into committing suicide. Then he goes out and kisses Vespasian’s butt, and gets invited to his Inauguration as Emperor. This guy is the Mike Pence of the 1st Century. Fuck Him.

King Ahab? Technically a Northern Kingdom loser, but bear with me, OK? The guy marries a hot foreign chick. So far, so good, right? But this Jezebel was a real Jezebel. This woman was a giant pain in the ass. Forces people to worship Fake Deities. Treats the Prophets badly. Finally, Jehoshaphat kills Ahab and Jehoshaphat’s son throws Jezebel out of a window. This is better than Game of Thrones! Fuck ’em both.

King David? I got mixed feelings about this one. So his Best General was married to Batsheba, a real dime piece. Anyways, he sees her laying out on the roof in a bikini and decides to send Uriah the Hittite off to, I dunno, Afghanistan or something. So that he could get Bathsheba alone and maybe grab her by the…..

OK, that’s enough learning for one day! Tune in tomorrow when we test Trump Neckties for Shatnez!

* With the impending closure of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station, Trump Yeshiva is looking for a new home. Please add your suggestions/hot real estate tips in the Comments Section!

By Ari Calvo

Last Updated 5/23/2017 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Heading abroad amidst a string of major gaffes, United States President Donald Trump has found an unexpected success: uniting Palestinians and Israelis. No, the world’s most powerful son-in-law Jared Kushner has not gotten the two sides to agree on anything at all, but The Trump Administration has united the two sides in a massive game of Middle East Bingo. And we have the cards to prove it.

When Trump makes a gaffe that insults either side, they mark the offense. (Israelis use a tiny kippah and Palestinians use the rusty keys that open their father’s brother’s cousin’s nephew’s ex-girlfriend’s former roommate’s former home. Or a filing cabinet.) Given Trump’s propensity for surprising the world with completely bizarre and unexpected comments, each side will be allowed Wild Card boxes. They can be anywhere on the card because, like our borders, we can’t all agree on where to put them.

Players can also choose not to play for their own nationality and instead choose to play merely by which side Trump will be first to offend the most. Each card has a range of severity, from gaffes that cause unanimous laughter (such as admitting how much he relates to the song ‘Golden Boy’) to scandal-inducing comments that lead to an absolute shutdown of the peace process entirely, with both sides slamming their doors shut with signs out front saying to come back after Trump’s been impeached. Seriously, they’ll even take Mike Pence.

Some of the offenses are the same for both groups. Pronouncing hummus with the American pronunciation “hum-us” is a high offense to both parties. There’s also a hummus specific wild card for any hummus-related atrocities, such as Trump confessing he loves Hummus Quinoa Cakes. Both sides also have the box for offending everyone by saying the Israelis had the right idea with their border wall and asked how Israel got the Palestinians to pay for it.

Options on the Palestinian card include using a mobile version of the red button to order a BLT while visiting Al Aqsa, referring to the West Bank as Judea and Samaria, calling Mahmoud Abbas “Bashar”, and referring to someone whose name he doesn’t know as Abu. Probably the most controversial, albeit not unexpected, options is the announcement that the US Embassy will be moved from Tel Aviv to East Jerusalem. However, everyone is most eager to get the chance to mark the box if someone convinces Trump that all speeches in the region are started with the terms of endearment, ‘sharmuta’ and ‘kusemek.’ Palestinians don’t get to have all the fun though as the Israelis have a similar box for if someone convinces Trump to greet a woman as ‘bat zona.’

For the Israelis, there’s the complete possibility Trump will visit Masada, look around at the ruins and declare that he “really prefers Jews who didn’t commit mass suicide.” Additionally, there’s a wholehearted expectation he’ll ask how Israel functions when everyone works in banks. “Your army must have very organized finances!” is expected to be met with the sound of an entire country in collective laughter. It also wouldn’t be surprising to hear him admit his visit to Masada was cancelled when he found out he couldn’t turn it into a hotel since he had planned to drop down the giant gold Trump sign from his helicopter while he was here. Another alarming possibility is the outcry he could cause by collecting the notes from the Kotel, insisting they are Hillary’s missing emails.

Each side is so engrossed in the competition that they have even taken to trying to sway the game in their favor. through the fine art of trolling. Religious Jews in Jerusalem have been hanging extra tallits out with the wash in hopes of getting Trump to admit he thinks Jews have sex through a hole in the sheet. If successful, they get to mark a sex-specific Wild Card box in case Trump finds a way to relate this to his own amazing abilities in the sack.

Across the Green Line, Palestinians have changed literally every restaurant’s name to “Aloha Snackbar” in order to trigger Trump’s tendency to talk about whatever is right in front of him and get him to say “Allahu Akbar“, just to see if Steve Bannon will totally lose his mind.

Competition is fierce as each side has decided they are likely better off by letting the victor set the parameters for a long-term peace solution than they would be with any negotiations involving the Trump Administration.