(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
OK people, just in cased you’ve been living under a rock for the past 18 months….. there’s going to be a little bit of locker room talk here. Got it? Good. Let’s get started.
Long time ago. In the land of Shushan. Wait a second…. Hey Jared, is that really the name of the place? That just sounds silly….. OK, so that’s really no kidding the name? Got it. Great name, Shushan. Great, Great name.
So anyway, there was this king. Ahashveros. Great King. Amazing King. Let me tell you, I have a lot of respect for Ahashveros. And he’s a strong King. Not like some other leaders I could mention…. So anyways, when you’re famous, let’s just say that the ladies find you. Ask Billy Bush what I’m talking about. Long story short is that Ahashveros had this hot chick. Named Vashti. Nice face. Killer body. But you know what? Just a nasty woman. A real nasty woman. One day the King is having a party at Ahashveros Tower. And he wants Vashti to show up. Just to show his buddies what a dime piece he landed. But get this…. Vashti refuses to show up. Can you believe the nerve? So Ahashveros? Great King. Just the best. You think he’s going to let Vashti get away with that? No way. So that night, the King goes up to Vashti and says “You’re fired“. And then I guess Vashti went on all the daytime talk shows in Shushan and complained about Ahashveros.
But now the King needs to find the next Mrs. Ahashveros. So he has a great idea…. he holds a Beauty Contest. Remind you of anybody in particular? So anyway, the King gets to check out all of the talent in the Kingdom. Love this guy. So they have an evening dress competition, the talent competition, and the speech on world peace or being nice to animals or trees or whatever. Then they have the swimsuit competition and he spots this one lady named Esther. Now this woman was a Perfect 10. Just smoking. And let’s just say she didn’t waste a lot of fabric making her swimsuit, you catch my drift?
So the King chooses Esther. Now let me ask you something. Did they have Tic-Tacs back then? Anyways, yada, yada, yada, she becomes the Queen. Great Queen. Amazing Queen. The best Queen. Just the Best. And you know what? Esther is Jewish.
So everything is going great for a while. And Esther has a cousin named Mordecai. Great guy. Great great guy. But there’s also this guy named Haman who works in the Government. Now Haman is a bad hombre. Bad Bad Hombre. And he does what he wants in Government without telling the King. I think he worked in the 9th Circuit Court of Shushan. Or maybe the Kingdom’s Environmental Protection Agency. Or the State Department. Wait a second. Did they have CNN back then? Cuz if they did, that’s where Haman was working.
So Mordecai finds out that Haman wants to kill the Jews. And he tells Esther. And this makes Esther sad. Very very sad. So Esther tells the King. And the King thinks, who the hell does this guy Haman think he is? So the King has Haman hanged. And Esther is really grateful to the King. I mean, really really grateful. You following me?
So the Jews win against Haman. So much winning. They were winning so much that finally Queen Esther said “King Ahashveros! Enough winning! Your people are bored with winning!” But the King said “No way! We will never be bored with winning!”
So then they all had a big party. A very big party. Bigger than Chanukah. Yuge. And loud. Very very loud. With those little noisemakers that my grandkids bring back from synagogue. And they all dressed up. The guys dressed up like Kings and astronauts and soldiers and cowboys. And the women dressed up like sexy devils, sexy Cleopatra, sexy Pocohantas, sexy cops, sexy Yasmin from Alladin, and my favorite, sexy nurses. I love Purim. Pass me one of those 3 pointed cookies.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 12/23/2016 at 3:00 PM
Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: As a certain President-Elect (Also known as HaShem’s early Chanukah gift to humor writers) selects a team that appears to actually really really want to move the United States Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, voices are crying out against such a radical move. Voices that are saying “Stop! Such a unilateral move is too risky! You’re going to ruin everything we have worked for!” Are these the words of noted diplomat and windsurfer John Kerry? The President who knows what’s good for Israel better than Israel knows what’s good for Israel? The New York Times? Purveyor of Received Wisdom Thomas Friedman? Not really. Actually, these are the words of Benny, the guy with the shop across from the U.S. Embassy on HaYarkon Street, who will hold your phone for the mere price of 15 Shekels while you are doing whatever you are doing in there.
The Embassy, whose strict rule of Absolutely No Cellphones on site has forced its Israeli Local Hire employees to sext each other via fax, has proven to be a goldmine to the guy in the shop across the street with the World’s Greatest Business Model. Specifically: Open a Shop Across From The U.S Embassy and Charge People 15 Shekels to Hold Their Cellphones While They are Inside the U.S. Embassy. Benny explained his philosophy.
“I don’t understand why you would want to move the Embassy. You have everything here. the beach, restaurants….me. Think about it. When you need a place to put your phone? Boom! Here I am! And how can you be sure that the guy who takes your phone in Jerusalem will be up to the job? He will probably have to close the shop for Shachrit, Mincha, and the rest of that stuff. Me? I’m always here. Am Yisrael Chai. God Bless the USA.”
Benny continued to explain his specific predicament. “My wife doesn’t know about the Embassy move yet. And I saw her pricing tickets on the Internet for a trip to Rome this Spring. And new furniture for the living room. I’m dying over here. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I can call Mister Trump. He seems like a regular guy. Maybe we can make a deal.”
Before making the call, Benny plans to gather other concerned stakeholders to include the Embassy Marine guards, who have come to appreciate being stationed 50 meters from Tel Aviv Beaches full of women from Tel Aviv, the bartender at Mike’s Place who needs to save up for a trip to South America, and the State Department Employees who will need to lie to their wives/husbands/significant others and say that Jerusalem really really has a great night life….you just need to look a littler harder.