Tag: Jerusalem

Top Ten Rejected Daily Freier Articles

Since 2014, the Daily Freier has scratched your collected itches for weird stuff. Sometimes we even write our stories based on tips from you, our alert readership! But what if a story is just “Too weird for the Daily Freier“? Well, it happens. Here are ten stories that we simply had to reject. Enjoy wondering what might have been.


1. The men who play pétanque on Rothschild Boulevard: without their clothes on!

2. Latest Nefesh B’Nefesh program helps you get banned from Secret Tel Aviv…. BEFORE you make Aliyah!

3.  Holmes Gym just opened membership to straight guys too!

4. Afula: Is it the new Neve Tzedek?

5. Bombshell: Two people who work in Israel Advocacy rumored to get along with one another.

6. Win a chance to be named Jerusalem’s Next Top Hot Chani!

7.  Maccabi Health offers free personal development classes to anyone in a Purim “couples costume”.

8. Strange But True: The weirdos who enjoy Tel Aviv AND Jerusalem!

9. Sarah Tuttle-Singer takes 3 bong hits and explains the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.

10. “Have I Peed Here Yet?” An interactive street map for Tel Aviv men.

 

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Linda Sarsour, Time Traveler: Jesus of Nazareth edition

Narrator: Welcome to Episode 3 of “Linda Sarsour, Time Traveler.” When last we saw our heroine, she had  traveled back to the 20th Century in order to inform Golda Meir and Hanna Szenes that they were not really feminists. Now, our Intrepid Linda of Brooklyn has traveled back to Judea in the time of the Roman Occupation in order to inform Jesus that he’s really Palestinian. We catch up with them in Nazareth, north of the Jezreel Valley.


Linda (cheerfully): A salaam aleikum, Brother Issa!

Jesus of Nazareth: Hello my child, you appear to speak the language of Ishmael’s sons, many days journey into the desert beyond Edom. It is a language I do not understand. I speak Aramaic….. a bit of Thai I picked up when I was backpacking…..and Hebrew. You know, the language spoken by Jews like me…..who live in….. wait for it….. Judea.

Linda: Palestine.

Jesus: I am sorry, my child?

Linda: Palestine! You’re Palestinian! Hellooooo!

Jesus: Daughter of Ishmael, the Philistines disappeared from this land around the Year 600 Before….ummm….600 Years Before….ummm……Me.

Linda: So?

Jesus: So, Like NOBODY uses that term anymore. Not even the Essenes of the Wilderness. And they live alone in the desert without decent wi-fi.

Linda: Hey, I love your wooly Palestinian hair!

Jesus: The apostles call it my “Jewfro”, but Bless Your Heart.

Linda: OMG and you’ve got the most amazing Palestinian copper skin tone, just like me!

Jesus: (Looks at his skin, looks at Linda. Looks at his skin, looks at Linda.) But Linda my child, your skin is whiter than National Public Radio.

Linda: Whatever. So when are you going to Al-Quds, anyway?

Jesus: My child, you are using words that make no sense…. Listen, my Father’s house has many rooms. Maybe you might want to go visit a different one? You know, explore a bit? It’s just that I’m kinda busy. There’s a wedding feast tonight up north and the caterer stinks, so everyone is going to turn to you-know-who when they run out of wine. And don’t get me started on the fish.

Linda: Hey, a wedding! Maybe we can all dance the dabka. It’s a traditional Pales….

Jesus: Farewell my child. (Jesus disappears into the ether)

Linda: Wait, did I just get Holy Ghosted?

(Fade to Black)

 

Your Daily Freier Guide to Eurovision 2019!

AGF-l7_nQRCupGIAw-SIJiQsHAg8Cta3uYl4XbFXJg=s900-mo-c-c0xffffffff-rj-k-no.jpgWelcome to Israel all you Eurovision Weirdos! You’re going to LOVE it here! Let’s get ready for a week of indecipherable songs by Icelandics paired with costumes that someone stole from a sex dungeon! Ha Ha! Just kidding! Not really! Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is here to help you enjoy Israel to the fullest! So without further ado, let’s get started!

Ben Gurion Airport: Hopefully you flew here on El Al, which is pretty good preparation for the tip-top customer service that you can expect here in Israel! That flight attendant who keeps responding to your requests like you’re a particularly slow 4 year old? Her name is Nava and she (probably) doesn’t actually dislike you. That’s just the Sabra charm! And if you had the good fortune to fly here with some Israelis, well things are getting even better!  You can spot them when they jump out of their seats to grab their bags out of the overhead compartments about the time you’re flying over Cyprus.

Taxis: Remember when you told your friends you hoped to “hook up” with a cute local? Well, congratulations because you’re about to get screwed! Seriously, take the train from the airport to Tel Aviv. As you leave Customs and enter the arrival hall, it’s to your left. There are kiosks where you can buy a ticket to any Tel Aviv station for about 3 Euros (Editor’s Note: We apologize for departing satire to provide actual good advice. We will try not to do it again.)

Israeli Men: Ladies, the men of Israel want you to know that despite any differences in religion or language or culture, they are still willing to have sex with you. Like right now. They got time, their Startup doesn’t open for another hour and their bike is still charging. Not to put too fine a point on it, but our city’s main park is shaped like a penis. A woman pointed this out to us, and they tend to notice details.

Israeli Women: OK, we’ve been here a while and we’re still trying to figure this one out. Native Israeli men seem equally bewildered. Please email us any clues.

LGBT Visitors: Tel Aviv is normally pretty gay.  But as of this morning, and thanks to a team of selfless volunteers, it is now officially Gay Enough for Eurovision!

Fun outside of Tel Aviv: Lies! If you travel East of Ayalon Highway, nothing but hellfire awaits you! Stay in Tel Av….. Sorry folks, that was Aaron Pomerantz our “City Beat” reporter and he’s not a fan of leaving this City to explore. But let’s look at some of the possibilities!

Haifa: Do you like factories? Do you like chemical plants? How about climbing up hundreds of steps to get to a hummus shop? If so, you’re in luck! Haifa’s got you covered!

Jerusalem: (Snore). Whoah, sorry, we fell asleep for a moment. But really, Jerusalem is an A-Ma-Zing city full of nightlife, and the absolute highlight is the chance to drink beer in a shuk at night. Really.


…… Well that’s all the advice we have for now. Tune in throughout the week as we share various pieces of fact-based news and advice!

 

 

Jerusalem Syndrome victim rushed to Tel Aviv for emergency dose of pretentious self-involvement

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/29/2018 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem, Church of the Holy Sepulchre: A man was airlifted to Tel Aviv yesterday with only moments to spare after suffering from an acute attack of “Jerusalem Syndrome“. You see, Jerusalem tends to drive people nuts. And not just “OMG This is such an A-Ma-Zing party city! We can even drink beer in the Shuk!”  No, we’re talking “I believe I am a Central Character from a Major World Religion and I intend to dress the part. Footwear optional.”

So when a barefoot bearded man wearing a white robe started hanging around the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, authorities were immediately suspicious. And as he got more and more “in-character”, paramedics were on alert. Finally, as he began to quote the Book of Revelation, the man was ushered out the door to a waiting helicopter. Yair S., one of the paramedics on board, explained.

We were going to rush him to Tel Aviv on the High-Speed Rail, but we needed to arrived some time that day, so we decided to airlift him instead. And by the time we got him to the chopper, he was quickly fading and we knew we only had moments to put him on the path to being a shallow and self-absorbed Tel Avivian. So as my partner placed a pair of stupid sunglasses on his face and a bluetooth in his ear, I braided his hair into a man-bun. By the time we reached Icholov, he was stabilized. Thankfully, his beard was just fine as-is.

The Daily Freier was able to visit Icholov Hospital’s state-of-the-art “De-Jerusalemization Chamber“, where the man was currently under treatment. Dr. Chaim T. described the man’s progress. “So we have him on a steady diet of Cafe hafuch, freshly squeezed juice, and muesli from that place on Dizengoff. And I must say, he’s making great progress. Just an hour ago, he told me that he’s ‘an influencer’. With any luck, by next week he will be voting Meretz.” Doctor Chaim then peered into the chamber and jumped with excitement. “Good news! Good news! He just went onto Secret Tel Aviv to try to get laid!

UPDATE: As the story went to print, Icholov Hospital proudly announced that the man had moved to Florentin and now claims to be a graffiti artist. Also, he now blogs from a nearby vegan coffee shop and is collaborating on an app that helps you procure a medical marijuana prescription for your dog.

 

 

Jerusalem bakery shut down after roaches in display case caught breaking Shabbos

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/28/2018 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem, Derech Yafo: Last week, the Jerusalem Post reported that a customer visiting a Jerusalem Branch of the Maafe Ne’eman bakery posted a video of cockroaches running along a plate of borekas in the display case and the clerk on duty refusing to throw it away. But from there, the story took a very disturbing turn. The video also provided concrete proof that the roaches in question had repeatedly violated Shabbos! Yes, it appears that the cockroaches spent much of the Sabbath on Social Media, and reportedly were seen planning a Saturday trip to the Dead Sea. The City Health Department moved quickly to shut the business down, and reaction from their customers was swift.

The Daily Freier spoke with local Yeshiva student Nachum C. “Insects walking on the borekas gevinas? Whatever. No big deal. But when I found out that those roaches turn the lights of their display case off on Friday night before they go to bed? Well I’m finished at that shop forever!”

I can accept a certain number of roaches in my food. I mean, I was in the Army, right?” explained Har Nof resident Yossi R. “But they also text on Shabbat? That was too much.” Yossi then lowered his voice to a conspiratorial level and moved closer to us. “Also, I heard that the roaches sometimes eat over at that Shawarma place around the corner with a hechsher that I don’t like.”

According to Maafe Ne’eman’s company website, they are busy steam-cleaning the store’s display case and the roaches are now attending remedial classes at a local Yeshiva for At-Risk Youth.

 

 

That’s not Kif-Kef! The Americans are stealing our brands!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/25/2018 at 11:30 AM

Jerusalem, Givat Shaul: “They spelled Kif-Kef wrong! It’s fake chocolate! These are fake brand names from a fake store!” explained native Yerushalmi Yossi D as he recounted his experience of accidentally shopping in an “American store” in the city. “They’re imitations, but they’re clearly not fooling anyone! They spelled Kif-Kef wrong… it’s clear someone is trying to rip off our famous Israeli brands!” he admonished.

Yossi, who had a morning appointment in Givat Shaul to yell at a Maas HaChnasa clerk, was confused when he walked into a nearby grocery store. “I saw a rack of Tapuchips inside, so I thought I’d go in and buy a bag, but when I got closer, I saw that it wasn’t Tapuchips, it was some knockoff brand called “Lay’s” who had clearly copied the colors and logo of our famous Israeli chips. Do they think we’re stupid and don’t know the difference?

Yossi then added “You know, every word comes from Hebrew. Give me a word, any word, and I show you how the root of that word is Hebrew.

As the Daily Freier prepared to return to Tel Aviv on the High-Speed rail, Yossi asked us to help him carry 12 boxes of Uncle Moishy Cereal to his Sherut.

High-Speed Train reaches Jerusalem just minutes after High-Speed Sherut

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM

Jerusalem Navon Station: There were cheers and celebrations today in Start-Up Nation after a High Speed Train came, like, “this close” to making the Tel Aviv-Jerusalem run quicker than a “very fast” sherut. You see, the High Speed rail is something that Israel is quite proud of. Even though it took 18 years to build just 50 kilometers of line. And you have to switch trains at the Airport. And the first leg is on a normal train. And you are supposed to make reservations on line. But they don’t check. And the train drops you in the Jerusalem railroad station approximately 3 Gazillion meters underground. And the escalator ride to the top lasts longer than some Tel Aviv relationships. But anyhoo, today the ride was extra fast. So fast in fact that there were moments when it appeared that the train might overtake the Sherut (a shared minibus taxi) that had left Tel Aviv’s Central Bus Station at the same time that the train had left Tel Aviv’s Savidor Station. The Daily Freier went up to Jerusalem to get all the facts.

We are quite proud of our High Speed rail’s performance today.” explained Israel Rail spokesperson Sarit K. “Our riders got here almost as quickly as people who rode in a van from the 1980’s.” Sarit continued. “In addition, we feel it isn’t very fair to make the comparison. I mean, we were up against Moti, one of their more aggressive Sherut drivers.” Sarit dropped her voice to a whisper. “I heard that he didn’t even stop at all of the red lights either.

The Daily Freier asked Sarit if maybe High Speed Rail would aim for a higher metric than beating a minibus. “Today we almost beat a Sherut. Who knows, maybe in 2019 we will almost beat the Number 480 Bus.”

UPDATE: In an effort to make their High Speed Rail even more competitive with traditional forms of mass transit, Israel Rail announced that all trains will now play tinny high-pitched Israeli music from the 1970’s out of busted out speakers, display a weathered photo of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef on the dashboard, and have an old compact disc hanging from the conductor’s rear view mirror.