With Corona moving into our collective rear-view mirror, there are some A-Ma-Zing ideas for exploring this beautiful country of ours! Lots to see, Lots to do, Lots to eat! We have heard of some amazing tours starting this Spring. Unfortunately, we have also heard some not-so-good ideas… and it is our journalistic duty to Spill the Tea. So without further ado, the Daily Freier presents the Ten Worst Tour Ideas for Israel!
1) Locusts & Honey: a culinary tour inspired by John the Baptist!
2) Grab your numbered pottery shards, it’s Bingo Night on Masada!
3) “Find your way out of Dizengoff Center” long weekend adventure
4) “Let’s walk up and down all the hills in Haifa!”
5) “Ecce Homo”: We show you the hottest Gay Night Life in Jerusalem’s Old City!
6) Danny the Digger rummages through your trash and posts it on Youtube.
7) Afula, Afula, Afula!
8) “Festival of the Senses”: A Scratch n’ Sniff Tour of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station
9) Drink beer in Machane Yehuda on a Thursday evening! Wait, Sorry. This is actually Peak Nightlife for Jerusalem. Never Mind.
10) Sarah Tuttle-Singer leads a historical walk through Neve Tzedek but gets really baked and spends the entire evening looking for Tacos instead.
So it’s been a minute since we heard from Trump Yeshiva, which was once a spin-off of the Daily Freier but somehow went rogue. Ever since The Donald tweeted the Bible for us, Trump Yeshiva was a bit out of control. Their Tisch about Covfefe, musings on Selichot, and bizarre Twitter feud with Preoccupied Territory… the Trump years were a wild ride. But then he lost the Election (Trump fans: Please email us your Conspiracy Theories as to how he actually won!), got deplatformed from Twitter, and then they took down Parlour. It felt like the end of a crazy era. But guess what? Trump Yeshiva is back! We stopped by their Shteibl at the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station* on the floor below the Filipino Markets. So here is the transcript of Mr. Trump’s latest Tisch. It’s about Loyalty! (Warning: Not Safe For Work!)
King Menashe? What. A. Loser. His dad Hezekiah was a Great Builder. Great, Great, Builder. Built an amazing tunnel to the Pools of Siloam. Just an Amazing tunnel. For water. Lots and Lots of Water. So during the Assyrian siege, Evil Senacherib had no water. Because Jerusalem had all the water, Am I right? There was so much water, that the residents of Jerusalem actually got bored of water! They said, please Hezekiah, enough water! We’re tired of water….. So where was I? Oh yeah, Menashe. Now normally, when a guy’s dad is a great developer, the son turns out pretty good too! I mean, Helllooo! But this Menashe, not so much. He turned to other Fake Deities. Like Baal. And Moloch. Really creepy things with the kids, I mean, we’re talking PizzaGate stuff here. So Disloyal. Fuck Him.
Flavius Jospehus? OK, Not a King. So sue me. I’m kidding, people, I’m kidding. Anyway, this guy’s plan to defend Yodfat stinks! I mean, we’re talking a real Mark Milley plan. But when they lose to the Romans, he tricks all his friends into committing suicide. Then he goes out and kisses Vespasian’s butt, and gets invited to his Inauguration as Emperor. This guy is the Mike Pence of the 1st Century. Fuck Him.
King Ahab? Technically a Northern Kingdom loser, but bear with me, OK? The guy marries a hot foreign chick. So far, so good, right? But this Jezebel was a real Jezebel. This woman was a giant pain in the ass. Forces people to worship Fake Deities. Treats the Prophets badly. Finally, Jehoshaphat kills Ahab and Jehoshaphat’s son throws Jezebel out of a window. This is better than Game of Thrones! Fuck ’em both.
King David? I got mixed feelings about this one. So his Best General was married to Batsheba, a real dime piece. Anyways, he sees her laying out on the roof in a bikini and decides to send Uriah the Hittite off to, I dunno, Afghanistan or something. So that he could get Bathsheba alone and maybe grab her by the…..
OK, that’s enough learning for one day! Tune in tomorrow when we test Trump Neckties for Shatnez!
* With the impending closure of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station, Trump Yeshiva is looking for a new home. Please add your suggestions/hot real estate tips in the Comments Section!
Tel Aviv: It’s the question that so many men are asking today: “Is she Shomer Negiya or does she just not want to touch me?” Avi G., an office worker from Givatayim is unwilling to admit that Roni, his new co-worker is simply ‘not into him’. At all. “She must be some sort of religious fanatic who won’t touch men.” lamented Avi. “I mean, why else would she refuse to give me a hug?”
The Daily Freier sat down with Roni at Cafe Aroma for a nice girl chat, and she admitted that although she isn’t actually religious, a bit of Yiddishkeit is actually a good reason to avoid awkward social interactions with creepy male co-workers. “Avi is loud and tells bad jokes and his cologne smells like the inside of Tel Aviv’s central bus station.” she said “He kept inviting me for coffee, but he stopped since I told him that all the coffee shops around here have a bad hecscher. He tries to hug me, so I told him that shomer negiyah is very important to me.” Roni, who now goes by her new Hebrew name “Neshama Emunah Temima“, admits that pretending to be religious has lots of other perks. “I told my boss that I needed the day off for the fast of Asara b’Teves and he agreed…. I don’t think he even knows what the fast of Asara b’Teves is, but you know, it sounds plausible and hey… it’s a day off!”
In addition to the workplace, Roni’s status as a sort-of–baalat teshuva has proven invaluable in other spheres of life as well. “My roommate just got back from India and thinks that she’s a curry expert now… So pretending to keep Kosher is the nicest way to avoid eating her garbage kitchen experiments.” she explained.
Yet this new life did not come easy. “I took the bus to Jerusalem so I could to meet up with my frum American cousin Esty who is spending the year doing Sem. And I just followed her around for the day so I could copy what she wears and a few key phrases. Now I just pepper my conversation with phrases like Shidduchim, Refuah shelaima…. and a bunch of other things she showed me on A Sem Girl Says!”
Epilogue: Roni‘s co-workers have been very supportive of her new religious identity, although Fabricio, a former model and recent Oleh from Spain “with the really cute accent” was disappointed. “She seemed like a fun girl and I wanted to ask her out to the new bracelet bar. But you know…. I think she’s too religious. So instead I went with Maygal the Frecha office temp from Ashdod.“
Tel Aviv, Central Bus Station: So last month the Daily Freier basically just sat in the corner with pen and paper while a couple of women talked. and talked. and talked .…published a story based on the observations of several Tel Aviv women and how their exes compare to the city’s bus lines. And the story received literally hundreds of likes and shares! And as many as four of them were from men! So yeah, there was a bit of a gender imbalance as to who, like, LOVED LOVED LOVED the story…. and who did not. Ladies of Tel Aviv, it appears you had a lot on your mind.
Daily Freier guest writer Mia Deych started off. “Bus 172. He takes you very close to Gordon beach. Like Ben Yehuda close. He stays out late on Fridays, but then he goes to Holon. Yeah, he hangs out in Tel Aviv all the time, but…. he lives in Holon. Still better than Lod or Ashkelon.”
Next was local woman ‘Rose’ . “LMAO! love it! so true! the 189… the hot startup guy that thinks he’s too smart for you. But he’ll reluctantly take you around on his new shiny hoverboard.“
Then there’s the 126. “Never quite sure if he’s right for you. Are your goals aligned? Or will he forget to turn and suddenly you’re stuck on the other side of the Yarkon?”
It was at this point that one local man chimed in on Secret Tel Aviv. “Obviously these girls are dating the wrong guys.“…..Aaaaaand that worked out for him about as well as you think it did.
Tel Avivian ‘Amanda’ described the #5 Sherut. “It’s the one that is always there, but you never fully appreciate. He’s your back up plan when other options fail, and always seems to be around when you need him. Even on Shabbat. You will never seriously date the 5… but tell him that whoever does ‘is seriously the luckiest girl.’” Ouch.
Some buses are quite the opposite. Natalie clued us in. “The 10 to Jaffa: the one who plays seriously hard to get.“
Some of you have just opted out of all the drama. “That’s why I walk.” noted Elizabeth.
And then we got to the French girls. HaTzarfatiot: ‘Radioo’, ‘Musidora’, ‘Sarah’, ‘Jess’, and ‘Audrey’. shared their ideas with the group. We don’t really understand French, but their comments looked so cool! Like this one!
“Nous on aime juste l’idée que nos ex finissent sous un bus. “
We were just positive that they said something hot and exotic…. Then we translated it:
“We just love the idea that our exes end up under a bus.”
Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda: By popular demand, the Israeli Lottery Authority introduced a new game this week, entitled “Guess the Street Liquid“. Each Lotto kiosk now has a puddle of unknown origin on its sidewalk, with local citizens invited to try their luck guessing its contents. Despite the seemingly simple aspects of this game of chance, there are some rules. While Lotto encourages using one’s sense of sight and sense of smell, there is a strict “No Touching” rule. The Daily Freier hung out with the kiosk attendant “Dudu” for about a half hour and watched the citizens of Tel Aviv take a spin with Lady Luck.
First on the scene was Alert local Ronit S., who stopped by the kiosk on her way home from the Shuk and decided to try out this new game of chance. Ronit spent a full minute contemplating the puddle, carefully circling the puddle from right to left and then from left to right before making her guess and filling out the bubbles on the Lottery Card.
Next to stop by was Gideon.” Since we are only a few blocks from that arsey club on the corner of Ben Yehuda and Allenby, and seeing as they had a big promotion last night, I’m going with ‘Goldstar, vomit, and bad decisions’. OK, give me a bubble sheet to fill out.”
Finally, recent Oleh Zachary decided to place a wager. Zachary took a moment to smell the air around the puddle before placing his eyes at street level to make an expert analysis. “I gotta go with burnt peanut oil, because of the buffet over there.” noted Zachary as he gestured toward the nearby Chinese restaurant. “But there’s just too much funk from sunflower seed husks and body odor. So I gotta say that somebody also spilled that new cologne ‘Tahanah Merkazit’. OK so where do I collect my prize?”
Jerusalem: The Knesset agreed today to begin the conscription of Haredi men, just as soon as the government gets around to knocking down Tel Aviv’s current Central Bus Station, raises the money for a new one, finds a contractor, gets all the necessary permits, and builds the new Central Bus Station. Reaction throughout the country was mixed, as leaders of the Yesh Atid and Yisrael Beiteinu Parties complained that Prime Minister Netanyahu went back on one of his promises. Likud Spokesperson Yonatan F. addressed this point today at a press conference. “This so-called ‘campaign promise’ raised by Mr. Lieberman and Mr. Bennett should really be viewed like a bowl of hummus in the refrigerator. You know, It’s got an expiration date. You can trust it for about a week. Then….. not so much.”
The Knesset today was a heated back and forth, as various possible milestones for Haredi conscription were suggested, to include “Just as soon as Abbas holds another Election”, “Just as Soon as Starbucks comes back to Israel”, and ” Right after the Post Office Clears All the Packages It’s Holding at Ben Gurion”. Likud Spokesperson Yonatan F. explained the logic; “It’s like walking and chewing gum. You really don’t want to do too many things at once.”
In a spirit of reconciliation, United Torah Judaism Spokesperson Shmuel C. stated that his party was ready to compromise. “We understand that some members of Knesset are not happy with the agreement drafted today. So we are also ready to accept a draft as soon as the temperature in Gehinnom reaches zero degrees centigrade for a sufficient time period to promote the formation of a layer of ice crystals.“
(Models From Left to Right: Shlomo, Shlomo, Shlomo, and Shlomo)
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 9/21/2015 at 9:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Opera- It’s literally a “Whose Who” of the Israeli fashion world at tonight’s product launch of the hot new cologne for men: “Tahanah Merkazit”. Tahanah Merkazit is billed as “Summoning up the Sights, the Sounds, the Smells….of Tel Aviv’s Central Bus Station.” With such luminaries as Bar Refaeli and Natalie Portman in attendance, anyone who is anyone does NOT want to miss tonight’s launch. The Daily Freier talked to local Fashion expert Emanuelle H. for her take on the event.
As several sweaty men wearing short sleeve shirts unbuttoned to the navel walked down the fashion runway, Emanuelle explained what she saw. “See how the first model exudes a raw virility as he strides the runway and shows off the musk of ‘Tahanah Merkazit’… Now this model’s name is Shlomo…..Actually, I believe that all of the models are named Shlomo.”
While the ingredients of “Tahanah Merkazit” are a closely guarded trade secret, rumor has it that it is brewed on-site in the basement of the Central Bus Station. Emanuelle shared some industry gossip on the ingredients. “Rumor in the fashion world is that it is a mix of sweat, sunflower seed husks, cigarette butts, falafel, and I believe, pee.”
Tahanah Merkazit is slated to be in stores as early as next month, and advance orders are piling up. Yet Emanuelle stressed that men should proceed with caution before purchasing this product. “As a woman, let me tell you that the effect of this stuff is powerful” as she furtively eyed the second model named Shlomo.
Based on the early success of “Tahanah Merkazit”, the fashion world can look forward to a late Fall release of the cologne “Number 5 Sherut”