Tag: Trump

Stocks tumble after Trump fat-shames Corona Virus

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/12/2020 at 2:30 PM

Washington: The Dow Jones Industrial Average continued its free-fall today after President Donald Trump tweeted a series of increasingly personal attacks against the Corona Virus. The trouble began yesterday afternoon when Mr. Trump rehashed his complicated history with the virus dating back to his time on the hit TV show “The Apprentice” before becoming President.

Mr. Trump sent a tweet from his infamous “Trump Yeshiva” account describing the President’s long-time feud with the microscopic entity currently wreaking havoc to the world. “Corona BEGGED me to be on The Apprentice, but I said No. Why? NO CLASS!” The President followed up with a second tweet minutes later. “People are telling me that Corona gained a LOT of weight. A Real Fatso. Gross!

Yet it was President Trump’s final tweet against Corona that caused the S&P 500 Index to lose 10% of its value in a mere 15 minutes of volatile trading. “Corona is a tough guy because he was quarantined. I like organisms that weren’t quarantined.

Markets rebounded slightly in the late afternoon upon news that President Trump was about to re-open his feud with Rosie O’Donnell.

 

Palestinian Authority’s Top Ten Excuses for skipping Trump’s Peace Conference

1. We need to prepare for our upcoming elections

2. Still kinda exhausted from Pride

3. Need to catch up on The Bachelor

4. Still haven’t forgiven Jared Kushner for those Game of Thrones spoilers

5. Our Ex just moved to Bahrain and we really don’t want to run into her

6. Frankly, John Bolton’s mustache frightens us

7. Coachella

8. We hear that Trump isn’t big on holding grudges

9. Still looking for parking

10. What part of “From the River to the Sea” don’t you understand?