Tag: Trump

“F-ck him”: Trump Yeshiva looks back at some Very Disloyal Jewish Kings

So it’s been a minute since we heard from Trump Yeshiva, which was once a spin-off of the Daily Freier but somehow went rogue. Ever since The Donald tweeted the Bible for us, Trump Yeshiva was a bit out of control. Their Tisch about Covfefe, musings on Selichot, and bizarre Twitter feud with Preoccupied Territory… the Trump years were a wild ride. But then he lost the Election (Trump fans: Please email us your Conspiracy Theories as to how he actually won!), got deplatformed from Twitter, and then they took down Parlour. It felt like the end of a crazy era. But guess what? Trump Yeshiva is back! We stopped by their Shteibl at the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station* on the floor below the Filipino Markets. So here is the transcript of Mr. Trump’s latest Tisch. It’s about Loyalty! (Warning: Not Safe For Work!)


King Menashe? What. A. Loser. His dad Hezekiah was a Great Builder. Great, Great, Builder. Built an amazing tunnel to the Pools of Siloam. Just an Amazing tunnel. For water. Lots and Lots of Water. So during the Assyrian siege, Evil Senacherib had no water. Because Jerusalem had all the water, Am I right? There was so much water, that the residents of Jerusalem actually got bored of water! They said, please Hezekiah, enough water! We’re tired of water….. So where was I? Oh yeah, Menashe. Now normally, when a guy’s dad is a great developer, the son turns out pretty good too! I mean, Helllooo! But this Menashe, not so much. He turned to other Fake Deities. Like Baal. And Moloch. Really creepy things with the kids, I mean, we’re talking PizzaGate stuff here. So Disloyal. Fuck Him.

Flavius Jospehus? OK, Not a King. So sue me.  I’m kidding, people, I’m kidding. Anyway, this guy’s plan to defend Yodfat stinks! I mean, we’re talking a real Mark Milley plan. But when they lose to the Romans, he tricks all his friends into committing suicide. Then he goes out and kisses Vespasian’s butt, and gets invited to his Inauguration as Emperor. This guy is the Mike Pence of the 1st Century. Fuck Him.

King Ahab? Technically a Northern Kingdom loser, but bear with me, OK? The guy marries a hot foreign chick. So far, so good, right? But this Jezebel was a real Jezebel. This woman was a giant pain in the ass. Forces people to worship Fake Deities. Treats the Prophets badly. Finally, Jehoshaphat kills Ahab and Jehoshaphat’s son throws Jezebel out of a window. This is better than Game of Thrones! Fuck ’em both.

King David? I got mixed feelings about this one. So his Best General was married to Batsheba, a real dime piece. Anyways, he sees her laying out on the roof in a bikini and decides to send Uriah the Hittite off to, I dunno, Afghanistan or something. So that he could get Bathsheba alone and maybe grab her by the…..


OK, that’s enough learning for one day! Tune in tomorrow when we test Trump Neckties for Shatnez!

 

* With the impending closure of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station, Trump Yeshiva is looking for a new home. Please add your suggestions/hot real estate tips in the Comments Section!

“I built a statue of Bernie Sanders!” Bibi reaches out to Democrats

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/8/2020 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: With the news that Joe Biden is on track to win the Presidency, things might get a bit rough for our Prime Minister, as The Bibi and The Donald had developed quite a rapport over the years. Plus, Biden served as President Obama’s VP and Netanyahu’s relationship with Obama were kinda hit or miss. So Prime Minister Netanyahu knew he had to act fast. This morning, Bibi sent a nice note to the Democratic National Committee outlining a new initiative.

I just built a statue of Bernie Sanders on Tel Aviv Beach!” it announced. “I know how much you love that guy! Let’s open a new chapter of cooperation between our two great nations!

The Prime Minister defended his actions at a hastily held Press Conference at the Knesset, taking questions from the assembled reporters. When the Daily Freier confronted him, noting that the statue in fact depicted famed Israeli Prime Minister David Ben Gurion, Bibi replied: “I said it was a statue of a cranky Ashkenazi Socialist born a long time ago. Tell me where I lied.”

Following the press conference, Yair Netanyahu announced that in the spirit of goodwill, he “would like to show Hunter Biden the town” when Mr. Biden’s son visits Tel Aviv.

Trump Yeshiva was unavailable for comment.


Real World Editor’s Note: Go ahead and say to yourself that Bibi is not shameless enough to try this.

 

Stocks tumble after Trump fat-shames Corona Virus

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/12/2020 at 2:30 PM

Washington: The Dow Jones Industrial Average continued its free-fall today after President Donald Trump tweeted a series of increasingly personal attacks against the Corona Virus. The trouble began yesterday afternoon when Mr. Trump rehashed his complicated history with the virus dating back to his time on the hit TV show “The Apprentice” before becoming President.

Mr. Trump sent a tweet from his infamous “Trump Yeshiva” account describing the President’s long-time feud with the microscopic entity currently wreaking havoc to the world. “Corona BEGGED me to be on The Apprentice, but I said No. Why? NO CLASS!” The President followed up with a second tweet minutes later. “People are telling me that Corona gained a LOT of weight. A Real Fatso. Gross!

Yet it was President Trump’s final tweet against Corona that caused the S&P 500 Index to lose 10% of its value in a mere 15 minutes of volatile trading. “Corona is a tough guy because he was quarantined. I like organisms that weren’t quarantined.

Markets rebounded slightly in the late afternoon upon news that President Trump was about to re-open his feud with Rosie O’Donnell.

 

Palestinian Authority’s Top Ten Excuses for skipping Trump’s Peace Conference

1. We need to prepare for our upcoming elections

2. Still kinda exhausted from Pride

3. Need to catch up on The Bachelor

4. Still haven’t forgiven Jared Kushner for those Game of Thrones spoilers

5. Our Ex just moved to Bahrain and we really don’t want to run into her

6. Frankly, John Bolton’s mustache frightens us

7. Coachella

8. We hear that Trump isn’t big on holding grudges

9. Still looking for parking

10. What part of “From the River to the Sea” don’t you understand?