Last Updated 5/2/2018 at 4:20 PM
Tel Aviv: Event organizers were left alarmed and red-faced after a logistical error scheduled the North-South Korea summit to take place in Jerusalem, the royal wedding for Tehran, and next week’s Eurovision Song Contest to be switched to Pyongyang.
The path to North Korean denuclearization will be discussed over rugelach in the Machane Yehuda market. Bibi is currently having the Iranian documents translated and converted into Korean by a Tel Aviv Startup that hired three Olim desperate for a job and some Filipinos who “probably speak the same language or something.”
The Royal Family will arrive in Iran under armed guard on Sunday for the upcoming nuptials of Everyone’s Favourite Ginger with his Hollywood Bride, Fred….. I mean Meghan. The actress from Suits. Street parties and public executions will be accompanied by canapés at 5 PM, while Camilla Parker-Bowles will be sent home strapped to a nuclear warhead later that evening. After honeymooning in Ramallah, the couple are expected to settle in a terraced house in Bognor Regis.
Meanwhile, flights to Portugal for Eurovision 2018 were rerouted to the North Korean capital of Pyongyang after global air traffic control was hacked by first graders in Moscow. All songs considered too liberal, cheesy or colourful are to be censored by State TV with the 15-hour show to instead broadcast ‘Gangnam Style’ on loop, followed by reruns of M*A*S*H.
Donald Trump and Monsieur Macron issued a joint tweet from a fancy hotel room on the Champs Elysees: (#worryingtimes #LoveWins #MelaniaWho?), and then The Donald vowed to reduce world tensions by moving the Embassy to Western Samoa.
So for Israel’s Independence Day, our very own President Rivlin let his voice be used for the driving instructions on Waze, the Israeli Navigation App. However, the Daily Freier learned that Rivlin was not Waze’s first choice…. but that all the other choices disqualified themselves for one reason or another. So the Daily Freier has uncovered the transcripts for these rejected applicants and shared them with you, our loyal readers. To date we have shared the Waze instructions provided by Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer and also your Nefesh B’Nefesh Aliyah Counselor! Anyhoo, guess who we have today? That’s right, the Netanyahus: Bibi, Sara, and Yair! Isn’t this Amazing? Let’s check it out!
Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu: Good afternoon and I would like to thank you for using Waze for your journey today. Did you know that Israeli innovation has led to the cherry tomato, the thumb drive, and Gal Gadot? We are truly the Start-Up Nation becau….
Sara Netanyahu: OK Hurry up and pull into traffic, we don’t have all day.
Bibi: So where are you driving today? Herzliya? Excellent choice! It is an incubator for technology and…
Sara: Turn left! Didn’t I tell you to turn left? Why aren’t you listening to me? You don’t think I’m educated? I am a trained psychologist! Psych-o-lo-gist! B.A ! M.A ! Don’t you know who I am? You’re going to get fired! You want to get fired?
Bibi: Sara, we can’t fire him. He doesn’t actually work for us. Besides, our new friend is going to do me a favor and run into this cigar store in the Tel Aviv Namal Port and pick up that box of Dominican Coronas I ordered. Wait, you asked how much you need to pay? Oh don’t be silly, I don’t pay for stuff like this. But go ahead and take this bag of deposit bottles in with you and bring back the change. Thank you my friend, I appreciate it. You know, a Waze trip is really a team effort. Like a sports team. Or, I don’t know, a submarine.
[Vehicle has temporarily stopped.]
Sara: You’re back?! Finally?! What are we paying you for? Hurry up and drive!
Yair Netanyahu: Hey, we’re about to pass the Pussycat Lounge. Can you jump out and ask if Cinnamon is working tonight? Because she said that if I bring people to the champagne room during her shift, she would rock my…..
Sara: Turn left! I told you to turn left!
Bibi: Hey, you missed the turn. Where are you going? And why are you trying to get out of the car? We’re in the middle of traffic! Wait, you want to quit your Waze trip? Come on, let’s talk about this. Because I’m willing to do almost anything to keep you in this coalition car with us. Name your price. Close all the makolets on Shabbat? Deal. Keep exempting Haredim from conscription? Consider it done. Go back on my word about letting the Reform pray at the Western Wall? Done and Done. Hey, where are you going???
Yair: Achi, before you go…. can I borrow 400 Shekels?
Last Updated 2/6/2018 at 5:00 PM
Jerusalem: The search is on for a new Israeli national anthem: one which is inclusive, sensitive and non-offensive. A source in the Prime minister’s office tells the Daily Freier that the Prime minister was inspired by Canadian Prime Minister Justin Zoolander Trudeau’s bold move of altering Canada’s national anthem to gender-neutral wording (yes… really.) “Hatikva is a pretty song, but it fails to take into account the people who actually don’t have hope…. you know, like people holding for Hot Cable’s Customer Service, the people waiting for Tel Aviv’s light rail, and your friend who is still stuck at the Department of Motor Vehicles in Beit Shemesh.” noted Ari S., an aide in the Prime Minister’s Public Relations Office. “And what about the line “Ayin l’tzion tsofiya“… it’s so insensitive to the Blind!”
“Bibi is obsessed with Canada.” Ari explained. “He’s kinda jealous of all the attention Canadian Prime minister Justin Trudeau gets… and Justin’s majestic head of hair.” Ari revealed that the Prime minister called an all-night staff meeting to determine why Canada is popular and Israel isn’t. “Somebody suggested that the difference in popularity was due to… you know…. the latent worldwide climate of Anti-Semitism… but that got shot down when one of Bibi’s assistants brought up the fact that Israeli ice hockey still sucks and that it’s difficult to find good poutine in the Mercaz, let alone in the periphery.”
The new inclusive, gender-neutral, non-discriminatory national anthem is currently being recorded as a duet by Dana International and Noa. And in a cool tie-in, on the same day as the release of the single, the Wildlife Authority will release a herd of moose into the Golan Heights. “This is going to be the most Canadian thing ever.” explained Ari. “More Canadian than Gordon Lighfoot and Shania Twain drunk-driving a Zamboni machine into a Tim Horton’s.”
Drake had no comment.
Last Updated 12/31/2017 at 5:00 PM
New York City: Noted progressive critic of Israel and Haaretz contributor Peter Beinart is awfully proud of his humility. Yet even a man as low-key as Peter is about his virtues sometimes needs to let the rest of us know just how awesomely #WOKE he is. So Peter set about building a gigantic Virtue Signal on the roof of his local Food Co-Op. Dubbed the “Sanctimonitor“, this edifice is the first Virtue Signal whose beams can reach past the Earth’s atmosphere into the reaches of Outer Space. Peter explained.
“Today the people of Earth are slowly being acclimated to how virtuous I am. But what about Aliens? Will Extra Terrestrial Life be sufficiently educated to know that I somehow was able to string enough words together to compare the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to the #MeToo Movement? [EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes. He Really Did This.] As a Jew I feel this is important.”
In the process of fact-checking this story, the Daily Freier contacted NASA, who confirmed that the Mars Rover is now regularly receiving Beinart’s articles from the Forward, and that the Voyager II Space Probe just received some of his Tweets supporting Obama’s Iran Deal.
The Daily Freier asked Peter if there were further steps he planned with the Sanctimonitor Virtue Signal.
“We are living in very scary times. Trump, Bibi, Kid Rock. And as a Jew I don’t feel safe. So as a Jew I decided that what everyone needs is an Emergency Virtue Signaling beacon. It fits on your key chain and is intended for situations where you don’t feel sufficiently safe: maybe you are next to a Trump Voter, or a gun owner, or a NASCAR fan, or a Jew who doesn’t believe that Obama was very good for Israel. As a Jew I feel that this would be a very frightening proposition. So as a Jew I built this emergency beacon that will project your virtue to anyone within a 50 foot radius. As a Jew I believe that this will help heal the nation.”
The Daily Freier asked Mr. Beinart if he always adds the phrase “As a Jew I” to the beginning of his sentences, or just when it’s necessary to project his virtue.
“As a Jew I don’t believe I have to answer that question.”
Last Updated 9/6/2017 at 1:30 PM
Tel Aviv Dog Beach: Amid ongoing investigations for, as far as we can tell, illegally forcing their household help to hide cigars and 30 Agurot deposit bottles inside of furniture while riding on a submarine, reliable sources now declare that the only member of the Netanyahu family not under police investigation is their dog: serial biter/stealth pooper Kaiya Netanyahu. And with the rest of the family in a bit of “deep dog doo doo” Kaiya finds herself the only Netanyahu who has not been interviewed under caution by the police. We had a chance to speak with Kaiya after she finished swimming at the Tel Aviv Dog Beach.
“I just really feel that our family is under attack from the media.” explained Kaiya as she dried off in the sun. “Like what happened to Yair and I last month when that crazy woman followed us and took our picture. It’s just not fair.”
The Daily Freier then asked. “So you’re saying that you and Yair did not in fact leave your poop on a sidewalk unattended?”
“What are you doing for the Holidays?” replied Kaiya. “Are you going anyplace nice?”
The Daily Freier asked Kaiya if she has ever seen the family take bribes or illegally accept gifts. “Never! I hate the smell of cigars! And submarines make me claustrophobic!”
As Kaiya got up to leave for an appointment at an upscale Tel Aviv dog washery, she admonished. “Don’t believe everything you read in the newspapers! Except the Daily Freier!”
UPDATE: Amid ongoing fallout from Yair and Kaiya’s “Poop-Gate” incident last month, police have asked Kaiya for a “sample” to see if there is a DNA match with the “evidence” left behind at the scene. She has now retained legal counsel and is referring all questions to her attorney.
By Ari Calvo
Last Updated 5/23/2017 at 2:30 PM
Tel Aviv: Heading abroad amidst a string of major gaffes, United States President Donald Trump has found an unexpected success: uniting Palestinians and Israelis. No, the world’s most powerful son-in-law Jared Kushner has not gotten the two sides to agree on anything at all, but The Trump Administration has united the two sides in a massive game of Middle East Bingo. And we have the cards to prove it.
When Trump makes a gaffe that insults either side, they mark the offense. (Israelis use a tiny kippah and Palestinians use the rusty keys that open their father’s brother’s cousin’s nephew’s ex-girlfriend’s former roommate’s former home. Or a filing cabinet.) Given Trump’s propensity for surprising the world with completely bizarre and unexpected comments, each side will be allowed Wild Card boxes. They can be anywhere on the card because, like our borders, we can’t all agree on where to put them.
Players can also choose not to play for their own nationality and instead choose to play merely by which side Trump will be first to offend the most. Each card has a range of severity, from gaffes that cause unanimous laughter (such as admitting how much he relates to the song ‘Golden Boy’) to scandal-inducing comments that lead to an absolute shutdown of the peace process entirely, with both sides slamming their doors shut with signs out front saying to come back after Trump’s been impeached. Seriously, they’ll even take Mike Pence.
Some of the offenses are the same for both groups. Pronouncing hummus with the American pronunciation “hum-us” is a high offense to both parties. There’s also a hummus specific wild card for any hummus-related atrocities, such as Trump confessing he loves Hummus Quinoa Cakes. Both sides also have the box for offending everyone by saying the Israelis had the right idea with their border wall and asked how Israel got the Palestinians to pay for it.
Options on the Palestinian card include using a mobile version of the red button to order a BLT while visiting Al Aqsa, referring to the West Bank as Judea and Samaria, calling Mahmoud Abbas “Bashar”, and referring to someone whose name he doesn’t know as Abu. Probably the most controversial, albeit not unexpected, options is the announcement that the US Embassy will be moved from Tel Aviv to East Jerusalem. However, everyone is most eager to get the chance to mark the box if someone convinces Trump that all speeches in the region are started with the terms of endearment, ‘sharmuta’ and ‘kusemek.’ Palestinians don’t get to have all the fun though as the Israelis have a similar box for if someone convinces Trump to greet a woman as ‘bat zona.’
For the Israelis, there’s the complete possibility Trump will visit Masada, look around at the ruins and declare that he “really prefers Jews who didn’t commit mass suicide.” Additionally, there’s a wholehearted expectation he’ll ask how Israel functions when everyone works in banks. “Your army must have very organized finances!” is expected to be met with the sound of an entire country in collective laughter. It also wouldn’t be surprising to hear him admit his visit to Masada was cancelled when he found out he couldn’t turn it into a hotel since he had planned to drop down the giant gold Trump sign from his helicopter while he was here. Another alarming possibility is the outcry he could cause by collecting the notes from the Kotel, insisting they are Hillary’s missing emails.
Each side is so engrossed in the competition that they have even taken to trying to sway the game in their favor. through the fine art of trolling. Religious Jews in Jerusalem have been hanging extra tallits out with the wash in hopes of getting Trump to admit he thinks Jews have sex through a hole in the sheet. If successful, they get to mark a sex-specific Wild Card box in case Trump finds a way to relate this to his own amazing abilities in the sack.
Across the Green Line, Palestinians have changed literally every restaurant’s name to “Aloha Snackbar” in order to trigger Trump’s tendency to talk about whatever is right in front of him and get him to say “Allahu Akbar“, just to see if Steve Bannon will totally lose his mind.
Competition is fierce as each side has decided they are likely better off by letting the victor set the parameters for a long-term peace solution than they would be with any negotiations involving the Trump Administration.