Tag: Bibi

The New York Times, Thomas Friedman

Downsized: New York Times replaces Thomas Friedman with Chatbot Cairo Taxi Driver

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/15/2023 at 11:45 PM

Manhattan: In a cost-cutting move described as Boomer Abuse Bold & Decisive, the New York Times decided today to replace longtime pundit Thomas Friedman’s weekly column with the transcripts of a Cairo Taxi Driver Chatbot. “This is really about eliminating the Middle Man.” explained editor Joseph Kahn. “For the last 40 years, Mr. Friedman has based 90% of his columns on the insights and wisdom of cabbies from Amman, Cairo, and Riyadh. Think of this as a more ‘farm to table’ approach to journalism.”

Ahmed is an affable, verbose, yet insightful cab driver who was created in a collaborative effort between Columbia University’s Middle East and Computer Science Departments. Ahmed still believes that he is speaking to his old friend “Mister Tow Moss from America” who he first drove in 1983 on the way to a birthday party for King Hussein hosted by Hosni Mubarak. Ahmed the chatbot has a chatbot wife named Heba and four University-educated chatbot daughters, leading to many conversations on the Status of Women in the Middle East that somehow always align amazingly close to Mr. Friedman’s point of view.

“We created Ahmed with the ability to produce hours of folksy homespun non sequiturs mixed with raw insights that are suspiciously close to Mr. Friedman’s own political beliefs and theories.” explained Alyssa Stevens, the lead programmer on the project. “Ahmed has read ‘The World is Flat’. He found it ‘derivative’ but doesn’t have the heart to say this to his cherished friend.“

Wishing to get to the bottom of this travesty of justice, the Daily Freier sought out Ahmed the Chatbot for a…. chat. Ahmed took us on a virtual ride from Cairo International Airport to our virtual hotel near the Nile. “Helloooo Tow-moss my friend!” bellowed a noticeably happy and enthused Ahmed. “Habibi, we must move away from Fossil Fuels and build a new Digital Arab Superhighway! We can call it Silicon Suez! This is a very good name, don’t you think, Mister Tow-moss?”

As Ahmed eased his way through traffic, he smoked a computer-generated cigarette and expounded on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in terms that again hewed amazingly close to Inside the Beltway Center-Left Conventional Wisdom. “Tow-Moss my friend, Bibi and the Israelis do not want peace. Bibi should have listened more to Obama and Bill Clinton. I still love Bill Clinton, Mister Tow-Moss!” Ahmed somehow made “Israelis” into a 7 syllable word.

As we left the cab, Ahmed wished good health and happiness for our family before leaning in closer and lowering his voice to an urgent whisper. “Tow-Moss, we must stop Bibi from copying Trump’s playbook and instigating a January 6th-style response to the Protests against Judicial Overhaul in Israel!”

Sources close to Mr. Friedman remain convinced that he will quickly recover from this professional setback as the Chatbot lacks the required Gigabytes of memory to truly mimic Friedman’s name-dropping capabilities.

 

Binyamin Netanyahu

Israel’s Satirists & Comedians demand Yair Netanyahu return to Twitter

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/14/2023 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Israel’s humor community is in a funk today, thanks to the continued exile of their biggest meal ticket: Yair Netanyahu. According to The Jerusalem Post, the Prime Minister’s son has been banished to America and barred from social media by his family. That’s right, The Netanyahus have shipped their Prolific Tweeter/Shitposter to the USA. You see, Mr. Yair has proven to be a bit of a distraction to our Prime Minister, who has been busy himself keeping together a coalition/bad sitcom featuring such wacky character actors as Bezalel Smotrich and Itamar Ben Gvir. So for political expediency, Yair’s been temporarily banished. Naturally, this is causing a huge crisis among Israel’s humorists. The Daily Freier reached out to members of the Community as they struggled with this loss to their livelihoods.

“My recent article about Yair and Prince Harry is in serious jeopardy.” whined The Mystery Man Who Writes the “Pre-Occupied Territory” Blog. “Things can’t go on like this. Bibi, please think of the satirists. I have a mortgage.”

“We need him on Twitter.” admonished distraught local comedian Benji Lovitt.  “And not just because Israel doesn’t have Truth Social. If he stays in America, I’m filing for unemployment insurance.”

The Daily Freier then walked around our own office in Dizengoff Center and asked Tel Aviv Culture reporter Aaron Pomerantz about his thoughts. “This is worse than the Corona Lockdown when we were trapped indoors and forced to satirize ourselves.” complained Mr. Pomerantz as he drank his coffee hafuch. “Between this and Secret Tel Aviv being way less weird these days, I may have to get a real job. But I won’t.“

As the Daily Freier went to press, Israel’s satirists breathed a sigh of relief on news that Sara is yelling at The Help again.

 

 

Binyamin Netanyahu, Joe Biden

Crisis Averted after Bibi Lets Biden Sniff his Hair

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/31/2023 at 5:30 PM

Washington: Diplomatic sources in Jerusalem and Washington reacted with undisguised relief today after an Israeli-American diplomatic crisis was averted at the last minute. President Biden had taken an increasingly critical public stance to Prime Minister Netanyahu’s handling of Israel’s ongoing protests, culminating in this week’s statement by the President indicating that Netanyahu will not be welcomed to the White House in the near future.

Yet at the last minute, Prime Minister Netanyahu displayed his willingness to say or do anything to stay in power the diplomatic acumen that we have come to expect from this political veteran. Working through diplomatic backchannels that may or may not have included their sons Yair and Hunter unexpectedly meeting up at a Gentleman’s Club outside of Baltimore, the leaders’ respective staffs hammered out a compromise that Washington insiders are already describing as groundbreaking. Specifically, Bibi agreed to let Biden sniff his hair at their next meeting that will take place shortly after the Passover Holiday. The Chattering Class have already started singing the Deal’s praises.

“This is exciting stuff.” explained CNN’s Wolf Blitzer. “Now we need to come up with a clever name for this…. what about ‘The Scratch ‘n’ Sniff Summit‘? Does that sound catchy?“

“I actually heard about this from my cab driver last night when I flew into Dubai.” explained noted pundit Thomas Friedman. “Or was it my cab driver in Amman? Who the hell knows. I’ve been phoning it in for years.”

Yet not everyone in Israel is enthused about this development. The Daily Freier walked through the Shuk HaCarmel this afternoon and got decidedly mixed vibes about the Agreement. “Oh Great.” sighed Alert Local Ronit S. “Biden tried to sniff my hair once at the Paris Duty Free.” Ronit picked at her Shakshuka and continued. “I’m not really religious but the next time he visits I’m wearing a headscarf.“

As the story went to press, Bibi ran his hands through his distinguished salt and pepper hair and reminded reporters that Bennett could never pull this off.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you don’t think that the Daily Freier is going to call Trump Headquarters and convince them that this really happened, then you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.

 

Binyamin Netanyahu, Israeli Politics

Daily Freier retracts Satire about Bibi using NASA Images to troll Lapid & Gantz after Bibi uses NASA Images to troll Lapid & Gantz

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/23/2022 at 09:30 PM

Tel Aviv: The world of Anglo-infused Israeli satire is in shambles today after Authorities ordered The Daily Freier to retract a recent story or face stiff financial penalties. Earlier this week the Daily Freier published a humorous story in which Abu Yair Former Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu trolled his political opponents by invoking photos of Outer Space taken by The USA’s National Aeronautics and Space Administration. It was a story in which Bibi compared Pluto’s planet/non-planet status to the Blue and White Party’s shaky power-sharing agreement between Benny Gantz and Yair Lapid. A simple, cute story with a funny punchline involving Naftali Bennet’s kippah.

Little did we know that Mr. Netanyahu would in fact temporarily become a “Twitter Reply Guy”, taking a seemingly innocent NASA tweet about Jupiter as an opportunity to mock Gantz and Lapid. With our satirical story no longer clearly satirical, officials from Israel’s Bureau of Journalistic Standards arrived this morning at the Daily Freier’s office in Dizengoff Center with a Court Order.

“This is a disaster.” lamented Daily Freier writer Aaron Pomerantz. “Something like this has never happened to us. I mean, not since 2016.“

Reactions to Netanyahu’s Tweet in the community were immediate. “This is unprecedented!” noted Tel Aviv web developer Doron R. “Bibi’s Trolling is such absolute Bullshit…it’s…. it’s Majestic!”

“This is next-level trolling.” remarked Ramat Gan pensioner Danny T. “Possibly better than Trump’s recent endorsement of AOC.”

In order to avoid this sort of thing happening in the future, the Daily Freier vowed to henceforth only write clearly fake news, such as stories about a German guy and his Israeli husband going on Secret Tel Aviv to get their prudish, legally blind, anti-social dog laid.

Jerusalem

From now on we only write stories about the Jerusalem Sinkhole
(photo credit: Twitter)

So on Monday afternoon a giant sinkhole opened up in the parking lot of a Jerusalem Hospital, swallowing cars and generally behaving badly. Some people blamed it on the Shidduch Crisis. Others blamed it on the Jooz(really). But the Daily Freier went a step further, and will stop all other activity for the immediate future as we doggedly pursue multiple stories about this Enigma of a Sinkhole. So without further ado, here is a list of our upcoming Sinkhole Stories.

1. “I’m a Start-Up.” Jerusalem Sinkhole rebrands himself

2. Shas blames Sinkhole on Naftali Bennett

3. Outrage after Sinkhole goes on Secret Jerusalem and asks where he can get a bacon cheeseburger

4. “Have you wrapped Tefillin today?” Chabadnik stops by the Sinkhole

5. Bibi says he can’t leave office “until we fix the Sinkhole crisis”

6. Rashida Tlaib claims that her grandmother used to live in the Sinkhole before the Naqba

7. Leaked audio reveals Sara Netanyahu screaming at the Sinkhole about her Masters Degree

8. Sinkhole’s wife wants to move to Ramat Bet Shemesh because their current kitchen is too small

9. “Was he secretly Messianic?” The Sinkhole’s Jerusalem Minyan has its suspicions

10. Bar Rafaeli says she really wanted to pay her taxes but the sinkhole stopped her

11. CNN begins referring to the “Occupied Arab sinkhole”

12. “What about Tzfat?” Nefesh b’Nefesh invites the Sinkhole to explore their “Go North” program

13. Sarah Tuttle-Singer shares a taxi with the Sinkhole and they discuss Tamar from the Bible for 3 hours

14. The Sinkhole starts lying about his Army service to impress Taglit girls

15. Jerusalem Sinkhole canceled after his old tweets surface

16. Litzman blocks efforts to extradite Sinkhole to Australia on sex charges

17. Ariel Gold informs the Sinkhole that he’s actually from Spain

18. Sinkhole claims he’s enrolled at Or Sameach but I see him in Crack Square every night smoking weed

19. Jerusalem Sinkhole claims that Maktesh Ramon is his cousin

20. Liami is trying to Keep the Sinkhole in Israel

Israeli Politics

Top ten reasons the Porcupine walked into Knesset bathroom

The world is in crisis: riots in the streets of America and Europe, escalation in Syria, a potential diplomatic crisis concerning the Annexation Bill. So it’s at times like these that we can truly count on the Jerusalem Post to deliver the hard-hitting news, like….ummm….. a porcupine that walked into the Knesset bathroom. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier followed up on this story and went places that the Jerusalem Post was too scared or not bored enough to go. That’s right, we talked to the porcupine (which wasn’t easy because unlike us, it completed Ulpan Kita Gimel). So behold: the Top Ten Reasons why the porcupine was in the Knesset public restroom.

1. I saw Amir Peretz without his mustache and got scared.

2. In here, nobody can ask me to join their stupid Zoom meeting.

3.  Sara Netanyahu is starting to yell at The Help and this looked like a good place to hide.

4.  I wanted to use the bathroom on the second floor but Ayman Odeh said that it was “Occupied”.

5. Tamar Zandberg gave me something called a “space cookie”. Now the walls are talking & I’m seeing double.

6. Go ahead and tell me a more interesting thing to do in Jerusalem.

7. Apparently, I’m also a Minister in Bibi’s cabinet now.

8. Was just trying to find where Ice Cube kept his amazing theories.

9. Bezalel Smotrich told me to meet him here and not to tell anybody.

10. Benny Gantz was giving a speech on the Knesset Floor and I kept falling asleep.

Guest Writer Wednesday, Israeli Politics

New Elections averted after Netta joins Coalition

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 12/11/2019 at 6:45 PM

Jerusalem:The stalemate in Israeli politics is broken and a new coalition has won the backing of the public. Netta Barzilai will join the Blue White and Pink party, thus saving Israeli voters from a third election and saving the sanity of President Rivlin. The shocking move will see the Eurovision winner as Defense Minister. Plus, Bar Refaeli will serve Finance Minister.

As a confused Bibi looked nostalgically at a pair of furry handcuffs, Sarah began to bake cakes with metal files inside. While the ultra-religious parties, Shas and UTJ, sensing their time was up, raided yeshivas, burning a surprising amount of Wizard of Oz DVDs. The Joint List said: “We will not cooperate with this Coalition. We are not your toy. Wait, can we rephrase that?”

An excited Netta noted  “I have a manifesto to unite people and make them forget about scandalous corruption, the insane cost of living, and an utterly senseless conflict. Oh, and ridiculous fashion and cheesy music for Everyone!”

Omer Adam, call your agent

Binyamin Netanyahu, Israeli Politics

Bibi calls on Minority Communities to march with him against Police bias

“I too am a victim of profiling.”

By Josh Warhit

Last Updated 11/26/2019 at 2:00 PM

Jerusalem: Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu spent the day reaching out to leaders in the Ethiopian and Bedouin Communities, urging them to join him in a demonstration against the Israeli Police.

When asked by community leaders why he chose now to reach out for a joint protest, Mr. Netanyahu discussed what he considers to be a natural and obvious connection between himself and Minority Communities. “For years, the establishment has been biased against me, determined to keep me down and oppressed. My advisors tell me that you and your children feel similarly, perhaps even as much as I do.”

This past summer, Israelis of Ethiopian descent protested against police brutality following the killing of 18-year-old Solomon Teka by an off-duty officer, an incident seen by many as emblematic of systemic racism.

“As you know, they’ve been out for me since the beginning. I’ve heard you feel the same way.” Israel’s leader told the group of head-shaking activists. “The system is biased against people like us. We need to stick together.”

Unsurprisingly, some thought the timing of this initiative was a bit…. convenient. Late last week, Prime Minister Netanyahu was formally indicted on charges of bribery, fraud, and breach of trust. In recent years, Bibi has been accused of requesting and receiving gifts in return for favors.

“This protest will be about standing up together in the face of discrimination.” the Prime Minister explained to media after the event. “Ethiopian Israelis should not fear drinking champagne or enjoying the occasional cigar, nor should I. Interrogate the interrogators.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister’s office said that Netanyahu’s outreach has actually been part of his Likud platform for quite some time. “Prime Minister Netanyahu has wanted to initiate this demonstration for years, but obstacles have presented themselves time and time again. The Attorney General’s current witch hunt against him simply demonstrates his foresight.”

Supporters of the Prime Minister’s Legal Defense Fund are urged to bring their Deposit Bottles to the nearest Likud Office.

BDS, Peter Beinart

Las Vegas now taking bets for when Peter Beinart goes full BDS

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/26/2019 at 3:00 PM

Las Vegas: There’s some hot new action here in Sin City, and the High Rollers are starting to notice. College Football? Nope. Keno? Nope. Nope. Blackjack? Still Nope. The name of the game this year is picking the date that Peter Beinart goes Full BDS, and everyone wants a piece of the action. You see, Mr. Beinart used to (sorta) be the Conscience of Liberal Zionism. But maybe he switched to a different High School or something, because he’s started to run with the wrong crowd ….and don’t think we haven’t noticed. Anyhoo, as Peter keeps driving down Sanctimony Highway (past the old Tikkun Olam Rest Area) toward BDS City, the bookies have started to notice. And now they’re laying down odds. The Daily Freier put on our best suit, and headed out to the Desert to get a piece of the action.

The Daily Freier met up with “Fat Sal”, who greeted us at his office behind a dilapidated motel a few blocks off the Strip. We asked Mr. Fat Sal if he truly felt that Mr. Beinart was flirting with BDS. Sal took a drag from his cigar and replied. “Has Peter been flirting with BDS lately? Oh he’s been flirting. Lotsa flirting. With BDS. You catch my drift?”

We then asked Mr. Sal just how they put down odds on such a unique form of gambling as Peter Beinart’s very public slow-motion Total Eclipse of the Woke Heart, and Sal explained. “There’s a science to handicapping this. How many times this week did he mention his one-way feud with Bibi? How many times has Code Pink praised his articles on Twitter today? How many times has…” [Sal paused and yelled into the other room] “Hey Jimmy! What’s the over/under on Peter’s ‘As a Jew’ count today?”

Sal continued. “At the end of the day I’m just another conservative businessman. Nothing fancy. I don’t get excited easily. I don’t see anything happening with Peter until after the High Holidays. I mean it’s not like he tweeted an article from Counterpunch…..wait, never mind. ….So what do you think about the horses this year? You got any tips?”

Sal then walked away to take a phone call, and the Daily Freier dutifully eavesdropped. “OK talk to me. Two to One by Labor Day? No friggin way. We’ve already got our odds, and those are the odds, OK? Nothin’ is going to make me change them, got it? Not even if he…. wait you said he just co-hosted a talk via Skype with Omar Barghouti the head of the BDS Movement? ….. OK listen to me. Stop taking any action until we figure this out. OK? I’m out.”

As the Daily Freier thanked Mr. Fat Sal for his time and prepared to leave, Peter Beinart tweeted his support for Marc Lamont Hill. “Screw it, I’m done!” Sal yelled. ” All bets are off. Let’s go find some cocktail waitresses.”

The Jooz, The New York Times

Our response to that New York Times editorial cartoon

new NYT Trump BibiGotta tell ya, that cartoon was disgusting.
One of your worst.
For historical reference, it resembled something from Der Stürmer circa 1934.
Using the theme of a blind American President being led around by an Israeli Prime Minister?
Come on, really?
Knowing the historic context of this accusation?
You portrayed a Jewish leader as a dog.
On a leash, no less!
Under his collar was a Star of David.
Really? Was that really necessary?
Showing Jews as dogs is a step toward dehumanization.
Everyone knows that, right?
Lots of Editors had to be in on the approval process for this piece.
Very curious, is anyone losing their job over this cartoon?
Either that or nothing is actually going to happen to anyone who had a part of this, right?
So in conclusion, Apology Not Accepted.