Tag: Bibi

Bibi’s dog currently only Netanyahu not under police investigation

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/6/2017 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv Dog Beach: Amid ongoing investigations for, as far as we can tell, illegally forcing their household help to hide cigars and 30 Agurot deposit bottles inside of  furniture while riding on a submarine, reliable sources now declare that the only member of the Netanyahu family not under police investigation is their dog: serial biter/stealth pooper Kaiya Netanyahu.  And with the rest of the family in a bit of “deep dog doo doo” Kaiya finds herself the only Netanyahu who has not been interviewed under caution by the police. We had a chance to speak with Kaiya after she finished swimming at the Tel Aviv Dog Beach.

I just really feel that our family is under attack from the media.” explained Kaiya as she dried off in the sun. “Like what happened to Yair and I last month when that crazy woman followed us and took our picture. It’s just not fair.

The Daily Freier then asked. “So you’re saying that you and Yair did not in fact leave your poop on a sidewalk unattended?

What are you doing for the Holidays?” replied Kaiya. “Are you going anyplace nice?

The Daily Freier asked Kaiya if she has ever seen the family take bribes or illegally accept gifts. “Never! I hate the smell of cigars! And submarines make me claustrophobic!”

As Kaiya got up to leave for an appointment at an upscale Tel Aviv dog washery, she admonished. “Don’t believe everything you read in the newspapers! Except the Daily Freier!

UPDATE: Amid ongoing fallout from Yair and Kaiya’s “Poop-Gate” incident last month, police have asked Kaiya for a “sample” to see if there is a DNA match with the “evidence” left behind at the scene. She has now retained legal counsel and is referring all questions to her attorney.

 

 

Advertisements

Let’s play “The Donald’s Mid-East Bingo”!

The Donald's Middle East Bingo

By Ari Calvo

Last Updated 5/23/2017 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Heading abroad amidst a string of major gaffes, United States President Donald Trump has found an unexpected success: uniting Palestinians and Israelis. No, the world’s most powerful son-in-law Jared Kushner has not gotten the two sides to agree on anything at all, but The Trump Administration has united the two sides in a massive game of Middle East Bingo. And we have the cards to prove it.

When Trump makes a gaffe that insults either side, they mark the offense. (Israelis use a tiny kippah and Palestinians use the rusty keys that open their father’s brother’s cousin’s nephew’s ex-girlfriend’s former roommate’s former home. Or a filing cabinet.) Given Trump’s propensity for surprising the world with completely bizarre and unexpected comments, each side will be allowed Wild Card boxes. They can be anywhere on the card because, like our borders, we can’t all agree on where to put them.

Players can also choose not to play for their own nationality and instead choose to play merely by which side Trump will be first to offend the most. Each card has a range of severity, from gaffes that cause unanimous laughter (such as admitting how much he relates to the song ‘Golden Boy’) to scandal-inducing comments that lead to an absolute shutdown of the peace process entirely, with both sides slamming their doors shut with signs out front saying to come back after Trump’s been impeached. Seriously, they’ll even take Mike Pence.

Some of the offenses are the same for both groups. Pronouncing hummus with the American pronunciation “hum-us” is a high offense to both parties. There’s also a hummus specific wild card for any hummus-related atrocities, such as Trump confessing he loves Hummus Quinoa Cakes. Both sides also have the box for offending everyone by saying the Israelis had the right idea with their border wall and asked how Israel got the Palestinians to pay for it.

Options on the Palestinian card include using a mobile version of the red button to order a BLT while visiting Al Aqsa, referring to the West Bank as Judea and Samaria, calling Mahmoud Abbas “Bashar”, and referring to someone whose name he doesn’t know as Abu. Probably the most controversial, albeit not unexpected, options is the announcement that the US Embassy will be moved from Tel Aviv to East Jerusalem. However, everyone is most eager to get the chance to mark the box if someone convinces Trump that all speeches in the region are started with the terms of endearment, ‘sharmuta’ and ‘kusemek.’ Palestinians don’t get to have all the fun though as the Israelis have a similar box for if someone convinces Trump to greet a woman as ‘bat zona.’

For the Israelis, there’s the complete possibility Trump will visit Masada, look around at the ruins and declare that he “really prefers Jews who didn’t commit mass suicide.” Additionally, there’s a wholehearted expectation he’ll ask how Israel functions when everyone works in banks. “Your army must have very organized finances!” is expected to be met with the sound of an entire country in collective laughter. It also wouldn’t be surprising to hear him admit his visit to Masada was cancelled when he found out he couldn’t turn it into a hotel since he had planned to drop down the giant gold Trump sign from his helicopter while he was here. Another alarming possibility is the outcry he could cause by collecting the notes from the Kotel, insisting they are Hillary’s missing emails.

Each side is so engrossed in the competition that they have even taken to trying to sway the game in their favor. through the fine art of trolling. Religious Jews in Jerusalem have been hanging extra tallits out with the wash in hopes of getting Trump to admit he thinks Jews have sex through a hole in the sheet. If successful, they get to mark a sex-specific Wild Card box in case Trump finds a way to relate this to his own amazing abilities in the sack.

Across the Green Line, Palestinians have changed literally every restaurant’s name to “Aloha Snackbar” in order to trigger Trump’s tendency to talk about whatever is right in front of him and get him to say “Allahu Akbar“, just to see if Steve Bannon will totally lose his mind.

Competition is fierce as each side has decided they are likely better off by letting the victor set the parameters for a long-term peace solution than they would be with any negotiations involving the Trump Administration.

The Donald's Middle East Bingo The Donald's Middle East Bingo The Donald's Middle East Bingo