Last Updated 7/21/2014 at 5:38 PM
South Beirut– Hezbollah Leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, long Israel’s arch-nemesis, made a series of rambling and only partially coherent phonecalls to Israel late last night. According to well-placed sources, Nasrallah started off by asking Israel “what it’s been up to” and noting “how long it’s been”. When Israel told Nasrallah that it’s “been really busy” and “working on things” Nasrallah affirmed that he too has been busy. “Yeah, you know…..just stuff like betraying the Arab Street by siding with my Iranian Masters to prop up a Syrian regime that uses chemical weapons on its own citizens. And working out. Been working out A LOT. Nothing crazy. Light weights….cardio.” Sheikh Nasrallah then told Israel that it had made a mix tape. ” Stuff by the Smiths, Toad the Wet Sprocket…..Whenever I listen to “Close to Me” by The Cure, I think of the 90’s and all the times we had together before I sacrificed my bona-fides in the Arab World to serve a crime family posing as the Syrian Leadership.” When Israel told Nasrallah that it was “great to hear from him” but that things were “really crazy with Hamas”, the Sheikh replied petulantly “Uh huh…..targeting your cities with missiles. Wonder where they got THAT from”. It was at this point that anonymous sources noted that Sheikh Nasrallah had his Yearbook open to the page of Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and that Mashal’s picture had been defaced with devil horns and his teeth scribbled out with black ink. The conversation ended with Israel telling Nasrallah that they should “be in touch some time”. Sheikh Nasrallah was last seen walking toward the Lebanon-Israel border wearing a tan trench coat and carrying a boom-box with a Peter Gabriel tape in it.