Tag: Temple Mount

Vegan Jewish extremists caught sacrificing Tofurky on Temple Mount

Still not the weirdest Ba’al Teshuva that you’ve ever met from the Gush!

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/7/2022 at 1:50 PM

Jerusalem, Har HaBayit: A potential International Incident was narrowly averted today, thanks to the quick reaction of Israeli Law Enforcement. This morning a group of Vegan Extremists infiltrated the Temple Mount during the allotted Jewish visitation hours. While guards were distracted by somebody possibly reciting the Shema, the Vegan Extremists attempted to sacrifice a Tofurky, thus fulfilling Biblical Prophecy. At the last minute, a policewoman intervened and managed to wrestle the lead Vegan to the ground because she wasn’t Vegan. The Police held a hasty news conference outside the Dung Gate.

The Daily Freier questioned the police spokesperson as to how they were able to so quickly identify the suspects and close in for the arrest: How did they figure out which Jews on the Temple Mount were Vegans?

They walked across the entire plaza in order to inform us that they’re Vegans.” the spokesperson replied. “Then they sent us multiple texts announcing that they’re Vegans. They’re currently in our Holding Cells, and to be honest, they still haven’t stopped telling their fellow prisoners that they’re Vegans.”

The Daily Freier then traveled to the Confinement Facility in order to get the Vegans’ perspective on this potentially catastrophic incident. A man introduced himself as Nahum, but said we could also call him Starseed. “This was an act of Solidarity with the animals. I hope that our action strikes a blow against the Meat Industry.” Nahum/Starseed then lowered his voice and looked around the room. “I was also hoping that this incident would catch the attention of Outspoken Tel Aviv Vegan/Daily Freier contributor Roxy Cruz so she would maybe go out on a date with me.

The Daily Freier challenged Nahum/Starseed that his Group’s actions were counterproductive and could have triggered an International Incident but he was adamant. “Whatever. I guarantee you that I’m still not the weirdest Ba’al Teshuva that you’ve ever met from the Gush.”

As the story went to print, the activists were placed on conditional release in order to allow them to arrive on time for their 3 day retreat in the Arava, doing yoga and channeling their feminine energy at the price of 2400 NIS per person.

 
 
 
 
 
 

BREAKING: Inventors of the Suicide Bomb Dislike Metal Detectors

There is a story sending shock waves throughout the International Community today. Specifically, it appears that the folks who brought us the airline hijacking and the suicide bomber……. you may want to sit down for this one …….. well it appears that they really dislike metal detectors. Once again, the people who brought us the Munich Olympics massacre, the Entebbe Hijacking, and the Sbarro bombing……. are violently opposed to measures that may have prevented……. the Munich Olympics massacre, the Entebbe Hijacking, and the Sbarro bombing. The Daily Freier wandered around Jerusalem trying to make sense of it all.

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Check it out!)

Jews on Temple Mount Feeling Lost and Confused Without Wakf Escorts

Daily Freier Israellycool Temple Mount(This story was first published on Israellycool)

By Yuval Weiss

Jewish visitors to the Temple Mount are in a state of confusion and disarray. Robbed of their traditional escorts from the Muslim Wakf, the Jews wander aimlessly, bereft of the comfort of a bunch of angry men yelling at them not to pray. The Wakf, employed by our friends the Jordanians, normally keep a sharp eye out for the dangerous act of Jews praying (Stopping gun smugglers? Not so much). However, the Wakf has been on strike ever since Israel installed metal detectors, which was a totally unprovoked violation of the “status quo” for no good reason except, like, last Friday three Arabs smuggled guns onto the Temple Mount and used them to murder Israeli policemen. The Daily Freier spoke with an impassioned Wakf spokesman named Fares as he stood by the Lion’s Gate.

This is an injustice! Metal detectors at a Muslim Holy site? This is unprecedented. Except, like, you know, at Mecca. Besides, If the Zionists install metal detectors, how are we supposed to smuggle our guns?

Meanwhile, “Israeli” Arab politician Ayman Odeh also denounced Israel’s response. Odeh, who is a lot like Hanin Zoabi except not as interesting, warned that Israel’s actions may lead to another Intifada. Because, you know, the first two Intifadas worked out so well for the Palestinians.

Anyhoo, the Jewish visitors are a bit lost without the Wakf’s helpful hectoring.

I just don’t know what to do!” complained a disoriented guy named Noam. “How am I supposed to enjoy the Holiest site in my religion without some Jordanian hack barking orders at me?

This just doesn’t feel right.” sighed a concerned woman named Devorah. “It’s all so strange. Nobody is chanting in my ear or waving a book at me. I don’t feel safe.

The poor morale notwithstanding, the Daily Freier managed to find a little happiness, as a Jewish couple had just arrived in order to get married on the Temple Mount. Inspired by last week’s secret wedding there, a Dati Leumi (religious-Zionist) couple named Esther and Avi prepared for their ceremony, surrounded by a dozen happy guests.

An excited Esther shared her story with the Daily Freier “Avi always said that he really really wants to get married but that we should wait until we can do it on the Temple Mount. We have waited so long but now we are going to get married!!! I thought this day would never come!

Neither did I.” shared a visibly distraught and distracted Avi.

Esther shot a glance at Avi and continued. “All of the girls from Sem have these A-Ma-Zing wedding stories. But guess what? My story is going to be better! Har Ha Bayt! How do you like them apples Miriam? A wedding on the Kinneret, Shayna? That’s nice I guess. But I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome my wedding is going to be!

A now-sweating Avi interjected. “Maybe we should play it safe, you know, wait for a statement from King Abdullah later this week. After all, we can never be TOO careful.

Esther glanced at Avi again and continued. “Avi and I are so excited! Nothing can spoil this special moment. Nothing!

Avi peered into the far distance. “Wait, is that the Wakf police walking toward us?” he asked in a strangely hopeful tone of voice.

Esther stared at Avi and then handed us her iPhone. “Hey can you take a picture of us? I want to send it to OnlySimchas!

Despite the absence of the Wakf to help Jews better understand their holiest site, our friends the Jordanians found other ways to reach out…..by holding a moment of silence for the killers in their Lower house of Parliament (The Daily Freier’s ADHD must be kicking in because we missed their moment of silence for the Druze police officers shot in the back by the three Israeli Arabs Temporary-Residents-of-Canaan-with-Israeli-ID-Cards from Umm El Fahm). The speaker of the Jordanian Parliament explained:

We pull off stupid stunts like this because We Know that You Know that no matter how obnoxious we act, whatever replaces the Hashemite Kingdom would be far, far worse. So thanks for putting up with our petty bullshit. And big shout-out to the IDF for continuing to prop up our ancient kingdom that was started 95 years ago by a family of transplants from Mecca who cut a side deal with the British, screwed over the Ottomans, and got kicked out by the Saudis.  Again, as much as we suck, whoever takes over from us will suck more. Please excuse us while we throw a party for a Jordanian soldier who murdered Jewish schoolgirls on a field trip in 1997.