Wadi Rum, Jordan: A recent archaeological expedition has uncovered an amazing breakthrough in Middle Eastern History: “Comedian” Amer Zahr‘s last decent joke. Suspended in ancient amber and preserved for posterity, the joke has survived to this day almost intact. Forensic experts were table to recreate it to almost 90% accuracy…. something about eating tasty hummus with your annoying in-laws. It was actually kinda funny, which today is a bit off-brand for Mr. Zahr.
You see, Palestinian/American “comedian” Amer Zahr is
the most disappointing product to come out of Detroit since the ’79 Pinto so busy denouncing Israel that he “forgot” to be “funny“. Nobody knows exactly what happened. Some people think the Mossad stole his sense of humor at a wedding in Dearborn during Obama’s second term. The United Nations even passed several non-binding resolutions demanding that Israel return Amer’s punchlines and comedic timing. Now he spends his days yelling at nice ladies on Twitter for having the temerity to go on a hike near Jerusalem. Basically, Amer morphed into a “comedian” if by “comedian” you mean “bitter and obsessed with Israel”. So in that sense, Roger Waters and Jeremy Corbyn are comedians too!
(We published this story on Israellycool this week. Go over and check out the whole story here!)
Brooklyn: There was celebration in the air last night when the election results were announced. That’s right, Peter Beinart was nominated to serve as Israel’s Next Top Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.* The prestigious award is bestowed upon the former friend of Israel whose Personal Journey has taken them the furthest on the Crazy Train to Woketown. While many worthy aspirants entered this year’s contest, in the end Mr. Beinart was the one who stood above the rest.
Remember your ex? The one who stole your goldfish? And when you asked for them back, (Preferred Pronoun) sent you a mix-tape of songs that you once listened to together, each with a clue as to where (Pronoun) hid the fishbowl? Well that Ex has a name, and it’s Peter.
(This story is published today on Israellycool. Check it out!)
SCENE: The Middle Eastern Foods Aisle at a Wegmans in Ithaca, New York. Ariel Gold is in Deep Thought near the hummus section…..
Voice #1: Wait, Sabra Hummus? I just can’t even. This is a Hate Crime!
Voice #2: You know, I’m somewhat of a Middle East Expert. In fact, I just returned from a trip to Iran! Did you know there are Menorahs there with 18 candles? I know! Mind. Blown.
…… The Daily Freier is slumming it over at Israellycool today. Check out the full article!
Wuddup Allies! Who else is ready for Hanukkah? Great food! Games for the kids! Oh, and the part where you think it’s about Jews 2000 years ago fighting for a sovereign Jewish nation in “Israel”? Well that’s your White Privilege talking, know what I’m saying? So let me break it down for you. This Hanukkah I’m going to straight up gaslight you for 8 Crazy Days and 8 Crazy Nights! I already talked to the folks over at the Forward and They. Can’t. Wait! This week is going to be off the hook. Anyways, let’s get started.
(The Daily Freier is over on Israellycool today. Go check us out!)
Oy vey ist mir! Great to see you! So did you know my last name comes from the Hebrew word “Shomer”? It means guardian! So I’m a guardian of the Jewish people! I hardly ever tell this story, except at every single Jewish event that I’ve attended for the last 40 years. Oy gevalt!
So how’s my Yiddish schtick? Straight out of the Catskills circa 1958, right? You know, it gives me great naches! And it lets me pretend that I’m still the leader of a political party that hasn’t completely thrown Israel under the bus! LOL! Meshugeneh! So what’s my secret? It’s these magic glasses I wear! Let me explain….
(We’re published on Israellycool today. Check out the entire story over there!)
Judea & Samaria– Everyone’s favorite soldier-slapping Woke Poster Girl has a lot on her mind lately. You see, Ahed Tamimi has had a recurring series of very disturbing dreams this week. Instead of doing time for slapping an Israeli soldier, Ahed dreams that she slapped a soldier of an Arab nation…..and the Arab nation reacts by…..well, let’s just say she doesn’t get a free Mercedes in any of these dreams. The Daily Freier skyped with Ahed and she spilled some serious tea.
“So yeah, I keep having these really creepy dreams.” explained Ahed as she absent-mindedly texted with Al Jazeera. “I slap a soldier that I think is Israeli, but when he turns around, I realize that he’s a soldier from a Brotherly Arab Nation in Eternal Solidarity with the Palestinian People. And yeah, he kicks the shit out of me and sends me to prison.”
(The Freier is on Israellycool today. Go check us out!)
[SCENE: Midnight in a dark storage room, Ur of the Chaldeans, 1800 B.C.E. A young man smashes idols on the ground. Suddenly, a stranger appears.]
Stranger: Hey bro, what are you doing?
Young man: I am Abram, son of Terah. And these idols are a Chillul HaShem. They must be destroyed.
Stranger: Your cultural insensitivity toward this indigenous folk art is most depressing. By destroying these idols, you are actually building Ghetto Walls of Jewish Exclusivity. I suppose you also want to marry a Jewish woman, and build your very own endogamous ghetto for two (Not-Satire Alert: He Really Really Said this about marrying a Jew.)
Abram: How do these idiots keep finding me?
(The Freier is posted on Israellycool today. Check us out!)
This week, Nike showed just how #Woke they are by making an ad starring this guy named Colin Kapaernik who people say once actually played football (we’ve found no proof). Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is not about to let a mere Gazillion Dollar Sneaker Company Out-Woke us.
(We’re over at Israellycool today. Check it out!)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/4/2018 at 2:15 PM
Hollywood: Critics and audiences are raving about the new Sci-Fi hit starring Natalie Portman. The Film titled “Being De-Woked“, is set in a reality where Natalie Portman does not feel the need to constantly make statements about current events that make Snooki sound like Margaret Thatcher. In the film, the Israeli Government notices that Hollyweird is turning Natalie dangerously “Woke“, so they dispatch a crack team of time-traveling Frechot Commandos (names: Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav) to find Natalie in the year 2008, kidnap her, and bring her to a secret Mossad laboratory in the Mojave Desert where she undergoes a controversial “De-Wokeification” process, thus preventing the current reality of a “Woke” Natalie from ever taking place. (Spoiler Alert: the mission is almost compromised when Roni diverts the Time Machine so she can visit the Duty-Free at LAX).
(We’re published over on Israellycool today. Check us out!)