Tag: Israel news

“So how did you think we got all our great ideas?” Meretz defends pot smoking MK’s

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/30/2018 at 3:30 PM

The Yafo Flea Market: Meretz is striking back forcefully against a recently re-visited Government Ethics Panel from 4 years ago forbidding their Knesset Members from smoking cannabis. The Jerusalem Post reported that Tamar Zandberg, a MK for Israel’s In-No-Way-Out-In-Left-Field Meretz Party, was admonished that she could not smoke weed because:

a) it’s against the law

b) she’s like a lawmaker and stuff

But if you think our friends at Meretz were going to simply roll over and give up, well, you’re wrong. The Party issued a stern rebuttal to the Ethics Committee, signed by all of their MK’s, and delivered at a Press Conference this afternoon at the Yafo Flea Market.

This so-called ruling by the Quote Unquote Ethics Committee is totally unjust.” admonished Meretz spokesperson Danny C.  “This ruling deprives our party of some of our best idea generating sessions. I mean, just last night we were only one or two bong-hits away from truly solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Danny continued. “Also, after a marathon 12 spliff session on Tuesday, we came up with a solution to Greater Tel Aviv’s sky-high rental costs which was just brilliant! ….The trouble is, the next morning was “Group Cleanup Day” at our communal apartment on Sheinkin, and now we can’t find the pizza box where we drew the diagrams for all the geodesic domes, houseboats, and rooftop yurts. Wait, do you know what day the Garbageman comes? We might be able to find it in the Green bins next to the curb.

The Daily Freier asked Danny just how long Meretz has been doing…. ummm…. ‘enhanced brainstorming”, and he replied that it’s been “like years and years”  since this has been the case. “In 2014, the Party drafted a 5-Point Resolution to better integrate Israel’s Arab minority, but by the time we got back from Midburn, we realized that we’d left the manifesto at the campsite in the blue IKEA bag that also held our bamba and glow-sticks.

Danny then reached under the podium to get the Party’s latest press release on increasing voter participation, only to find that he’d misplaced it. But he was positive that it contained the following phrases: “It worked in Holland“, “commune in the Arava“, “windmill“, and “hemp seeds“.

 

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Jerusalem bakery shut down after roaches in display case caught breaking Shabbos

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/28/2018 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem, Derech Yafo: Last week, the Jerusalem Post reported that a customer visiting a Jerusalem Branch of the Maafe Ne’eman bakery posted a video of cockroaches running along a plate of borekas in the display case and the clerk on duty refusing to throw it away. But from there, the story took a very disturbing turn. The video also provided concrete proof that the roaches in question had repeatedly violated Shabbos! Yes, it appears that the cockroaches spent much of the Sabbath on Social Media, and reportedly were seen planning a Saturday trip to the Dead Sea. The City Health Department moved quickly to shut the business down, and reaction from their customers was swift.

The Daily Freier spoke with local Yeshiva student Nachum C. “Insects walking on the borekas gevinas? Whatever. No big deal. But when I found out that those roaches turn the lights of their display case off on Friday night before they go to bed? Well I’m finished at that shop forever!”

I can accept a certain number of roaches in my food. I mean, I was in the Army, right?” explained Har Nof resident Yossi R. “But they also text on Shabbat? That was too much.” Yossi then lowered his voice to a conspiratorial level and moved closer to us. “Also, I heard that the roaches sometimes eat over at that Shawarma place around the corner with a hechsher that I don’t like.”

According to Maafe Ne’eman’s company website, they are busy steam-cleaning the store’s display case and the roaches are now attending remedial classes at a local Yeshiva for At-Risk youth.

 

 

Aryeh Deri adds Shabbat Elevator to Ramle Prison’s budget request

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/24/2018 at 11:00 PM

Ramle Prison: Officials at this Central Israel Correctional Institution were pleasantly surprised today when they learned that they’ve been granted an improvement to their facilities. Member of Knesset Aryeh Deri (Shas) added a Line Item to their annual budget request, granting funds to install a Shabbat Elevator. Such a device allows religiously observant people to save time and energy by taking an elevator while not violating the laws of Shabbat. The Daily Freier spoke with prison spokesperson Yoni D.

We are very thankful for Minister Deri’s assistance. This addition to our physical plant will make life easier for those prisoners who are Shomre Shabbat, and will add to the overall quality of life……but to be honest, nobody in our Accounting & Budget Office can remember actually asking for this. Does he know something we don’t know?

In unrelated news, Mr. Deri was seen recently asking Former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert if he had a favorite cell block when he was at Ramle, and which days of the week were best to visit the Prison commissary.

Bulgaria busts Iranians with fake Israeli passports after they said “sorry”

(Based on a True Story!)

By Yuval  Weiss

Last Updated  11/11/2018 at 3:00 PM

Kapitan Andreevo Border Crossing, Bulgaria: A group of Iranians traveling with fake Israeli passports were apprehended at the Turkish-Bulgarian border after they apologized to somebody that they accidentally bumped into. Bulgarian Border Police held a Press Conference and explained the additional clues that caused them to first suspect the fake Israelis.

Border Police Spokesperson Ivan D. explained some of these suspicious activities. “Lately, Bulgaria has become quite popular with Israeli tourists because of our low prices, beaches, great food, and natural beauty. So we have become somewhat used to the ‘charm’ that Israeli tourists bring.” Ivan continued. “We first suspected something was wrong when they didn’t ask complete strangers about their salary or sex lives. But we needed more proof, so we had the Duty Free Cart at Border Control skip past them without offering to sell them any chocolate. When the suspects politely asked to make a purchase instead of screaming at the guy, we called Headquarters…. and when one of the Iranians accidentally jostled the person next to him and then apologized, we closed in and made the arrests.

Yet Ivan also noted that if it weren’t for the heroic work of an Israeli bystander, the arrests might not have been made at all. Alert Tel Avivian Ronit S. was asked to address the audience on exactly why she first became suspicious. “So I was on the bus with these guys who said they were Israeli, and their Hebrew sucked. But I thought “Whatever, maybe they’re just Anglo Olim. But when the bus was 5 minutes away from the Terminal, I jumped up, grabbed my bag and sprinted to the front of the bus. And when I turned around to talk to the ‘Israelis’, they were patiently waiting in their seats for the bus to come to a complete stop. So yeah, the moment I got to Passport Control, I talked to the police.”

In related news, some other Iranians with fake Israeli passports were apprehended in Goa after they passed a drug test.

 

Study: 23% of Israelis still have not formed their own Political Party

(photo credit: Rachel Hodas)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated  10/31/2018 at 4:00 PM

Tel Aviv: The Center for the Study of Democracy in Israel published a report today indicating that only 77% of the nation’s citizens have started their own political party. With today’s election revealing a confusing array of choices consisting of every one, two, and three-letter combination from the Hebrew Alphabet, this number seemed a bit low. So in order to get to the bottom of this, the Daily Freier met with the Center’s lead researcher Natan C. at a North Tel Aviv cafe.

As we sipped our coffees, Natan gestured to the current occupants of the cafe. “Look around. The waitress, the cook, the hostess, the old guy doing Sudoku, the goofy blogger, the old woman dispensing free advice, the manager, the manager’s girlfriend, the manager’s girlfriend’s girlfriend. All of them are currently running a political party, just formed a breakaway party after a nasty split from an existing party, or are busy filling out forms and petitions to form their own.

Not wanting to simply take Natan’s word at face value, the Daily Freier then called Israel’s Board of Election supervisors and asked if the Center’s numbers are in fact correct.  “77% of Israelis have their own political party? Oh that’s just nonsense.” Election Board Supervisor Gila H. scoffed.  “Soon you will be telling me that someone started a party for secular Tel Aviv cats. Wait….never mind. It appears that somebody did. I quit.

Then the Daily Freier went to vote (first time in Israel!) for the party “Olim B’Yachad, because an Israel run by Olim just seems like a really cool thought experiment.

 

 

Blame it On the Rain: Israel Edition

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 10/28/2018 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv: Amid the latest tornado of international events, Israelis were left trying to get their heads around the latest development to hit their war-torn nation: Rain. Ten minutes of torrential rain had Tel Avivians tossing cats out the way to dive into uncollected garbage bins, while Brits wandered around saying: “Oooh. It’s spitting.”

Combined with driving wind, Israel hasn’t heard so many doors slammed and banged since Sara showed Bibi her MasterCard statement.

Bibi called an emergency session of the cabinet, immediately converting the new fast Jerusalem train into a naval warship and generously opening up a number of prisons as shelters. The Knesset and Supreme Court will take 10,000 people.

Locals concerned with the forecast for this afternoon are advised to pack a flashlight, batteries and pita bread and call *N-O-A-H from their smartphones. Regular charges do apply, so just stop by Golan on the way home and give them a bunch of money.

 

Hundreds compete to be first to pee in Tel Aviv’s renovated Dizengoff Square

(Photo Credit: We took this from the Number 5 Sherut. Not bad, Huh?)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/24/2018 at 3:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Square: With workers putting the final touches on the newly stored Dizengoff Square, hundreds are waiting for the chance to put their own trademark Tel Aviv touch to the property. The Daily Freier walked on over to smell the excitement.

First, the Daily Freier ran into Danny, who was waiting patiently just north of the square, right next to the statue of the man displaying his junk. “Ever since they tore down the old Square last year, I’ve just felt like something was missing.” explained Danny as he drank from a liter of iced tea. “But now? Now is my chance.” Danny stealthily eyed the construction site. “Those workers can’t stay there forever.

The Daily Freier then spoke with Nir at the Beer Garden opposite the Square. “So it looks like the City is trying to replace the old structure with something clean and classy, with grass and walking paths.” Nir chugged what appeared to be his 3rd pint of Stella and looked toward the Square with a gleam in his eye. “Welcome to Tel Aviv.

The Daily Freier plans to attend the official opening of Dizengoff Square, where we will offer free samples of our Cologne for Men, “Tachana Merkazit“.