Tel Aviv, Ibn Gavriol: Tel Aviv: Tel Aviv residents “in the know” are facing a dramatic new reality: You don’t need to work for Wolt to be a total dick.* The city has re-discovered a Tel Aviv icon named Dan who is proving once again that being a total dick is a state of mind that should not depend on working for a company where the drivers appear to be encouraged to run over pedestrians on the sidewalk, block bike lanes, and ignore crosswalks.
You see, the Daily Freier first met Dan G. in 2015 when he refused to give in to the Knife Intifada and instead kept going about his business of being a jerk. Next, we caught up with Dan in 2019 when he proved that with an e-scooter, one did not actually need a car to park like a dick. But now Dan is taking a stand once again, insisting that he does not need to work for Wolt to maintain his credential as a total zayin. The Daily Freier caught up with Dan to hear his side of the story.
“You see that?” Dan asked, motioning to a Wolt driver jumping a curb and almost hitting a woman before blocking the sidewalk with his bike and walking into a restaurant to grab an order. “That’s amateur hour. Call me when you double park your car, walk into a supermarket, then cut the line claiming you were there before and just left for a moment.”
The Daily Freier asked Dan if he felt that the proliferation of Wolt drivers doing mildly sociopathic things was diluting his own personal brand of being a dick. “That’s a good question.” Dan mused as he stood in the bike lane forcing cyclists onto the sidewalk. “The Covid epidemic and the rise of takeout food allowed a lot of these guys the opportunity to get paid while making life difficult for others. But what’s going to happen after Corona?” Dan thought for a moment as his unleashed dog chased another dog. “They’re going to learn that their blue insulated delivery bag was just a crutch.”
As the Daily Freier ended the interview, a Wolt deliveryman asked us to step off of the narrow sidewalk into the street so he could pass more easily. Dan stared at him for a moment in silent awe.
Brooklyn: There was celebration in the air last night when the election results were announced. That’s right, Peter Beinart was nominated to serve as Israel’s Next Top Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.* The prestigious award is bestowed upon the former friend of Israel whose Personal Journey has taken them the furthest on the Crazy Train to Woketown. While many worthy aspirants entered this year’s contest, in the end Mr. Beinart was the one who stood above the rest.
Remember your ex? The one who stole your goldfish? And when you asked for them back, (Preferred Pronoun) sent you a mix-tape of songs that you once listened to together, each with a clue as to where (Pronoun) hid the fishbowl? Well that Ex has a name, and it’s Peter.
Jerusalem: Exciting news is afoot at Israel’s Intelligence Agency, as the Mossad has begun recruiting its newest agents from Israel’s Seminaries. This story seemed too crazy to be real, but according to our local Mossad Agent/avid Daily Freier reader “Yuval”, it’s legit. We caught up with Yuval waiting on line at the Post Office and he filled us in on their new strategy.
“We started out recruiting Yeshiva Bochers but it didn’t really work out.” Yuval explained. “The Frum guys couldn’t gather information because they literally didn’t know how to talk to women and were always staring at the ground….. and the Modern Orthodox guys quickly blew their cover bragging to all the Birthright girls how they were Secret Agents. So now we just recruit Sem girls.“
Yuval introduced us to his newest recruits: Dassie, Shevy and Chavie. Our first question was whether their bulletproof black tights and pleated denim skirts were a uniform issued by the Mossad. “No!” Dassie laughed and explained that she was dressed totally differently from her co-agents. You see, she had bought her skirt at a shop “near the Tachana Merkazayis” while Shevy had bought hers “on Emek…..near fro-yo.” (Editor’s Note: We still don’t know what this means.)
“These girls can be speaking Hebrew, but between their heavy American accents and that yeshivish Ashkenazi pronunciation, nobody understands them!” Yuval enthused. “They can have Top Secret conversations in broad daylight!” Yuval then lowered his voice and asked us if we knew what the word “Koisel” meant. He’s heard the new recruits use it and is genuinely baffled.
Next, we then tested the girls’ powers of deduction by letting them look at our Facebook page for 2 minutes. Chavie pointed to a halfway-obstructed blurry group photo showing a young man standing behind a tree. “That guy’s from Teaneck, he was in Yeshiva with my cousin Yitzie. Give me a second and I’ll find his Shidduch resume and I’ll tell you how many generations back we’re related.”
Finally, we asked these highly-trained girls if they had plans to continue in the Intel field after they finished seminary.
So on Monday afternoon a giant sinkhole opened up in the parking lot of a Jerusalem Hospital, swallowing cars and generally behaving badly. Some people blamed it on the Shidduch Crisis. Others blamed it on the Jooz(really). But the Daily Freier went a step further, and will stop all other activity for the immediate future as we doggedly pursue multiple stories about this Enigma of a Sinkhole. So without further ado, here is a list of our upcoming Sinkhole Stories.
1. “I’m a Start-Up.” Jerusalem Sinkhole rebrands himself
2. Shas blames Sinkhole on Naftali Bennett
3. Outrage after Sinkhole goes on Secret Jerusalem and asks where he can get a bacon cheeseburger
4. “Have you wrapped Tefillin today?” Chabadnik stops by the Sinkhole
5. Bibi says he can’t leave office “until we fix the Sinkhole crisis”
6. Rashida Tlaib claims that her grandmother used to live in the Sinkhole before the Naqba
7. Leaked audio reveals Sara Netanyahu screaming at the Sinkhole about her Masters Degree
8. Sinkhole’s wife wants to move to Ramat Bet Shemesh because their current kitchen is too small
9. “Was he secretly Messianic?” The Sinkhole’s Jerusalem Minyan has its suspicions
10. Bar Rafaeli says she really wanted to pay her taxes but the sinkhole stopped her
11. CNN begins referring to the “Occupied Arab sinkhole”
12. “What about Tzfat?” Nefesh b’Nefesh invites the Sinkhole to explore their “Go North” program
13. Sarah Tuttle-Singer shares a taxi with the Sinkhole and they discuss Tamar from the Bible for 3 hours
14. The Sinkhole starts lying about his Army service to impress Taglit girls
15. Jerusalem Sinkhole canceled after his old tweets surface
16. Litzman blocks efforts to extradite Sinkhole to Australia on sex charges
17. Ariel Gold informs the Sinkhole that he’s actually from Spain
18. Sinkhole claims he’s enrolled at Or Sameach but I see him in Crack Square every night smoking weed
19. Jerusalem Sinkhole claims that Maktesh Ramon is his cousin
20. Liami is trying to Keep the Sinkhole in Israel
Beit Shemesh: “There are Facebook friends who share memes and like your posts; but you know what makes a real friend? It’s the people who bring me stuff when they come to visit, or at least send stuff with their cousin.” noted Malky, a resident of Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph. “But now that Osher Ad sells Montreal Steak Seasoning and I don’t need to smuggle it from North America, how do I know who my real friends are?” Malky took a long sip from her coffee and looked into the distance. “I don’t.“
“Yeah, I know that you can find Montreal Steak Seasoning at AM:PM.” she continued. “But who has that kind of money? I have 7 kids. I made Aliyah for cheap Yeshiva tuition.” (Editor’s note: We’re sure there were good Zionistic reasons to….) “You think I’m going to waste those savings on Montreal Steak Spice and duck sauce? And no, Amazon won’t ship it here. My programmer husband built an algorithm to periodically check Amazon to alert me if they started shipping it here.
The next question we had for Malky is how a busy mom like herself discovered that Osher Ad was selling Montreal Steak Seasoning. “Someone posted on the group.” she replied breezily. “The group?!” we asked.
You see, the same Start-Up Nation ingenuity that taught us to nudnik the US Embassy for appointments also started a Facebook group so people can alert one another when Osher Ad has Kirkland toilet paper in stock…. or Skippy peanut butter, which they’ve been out of for AGES!
The Daily Freier research team confirmed that this group exists (What, you think we made it up?) and promptly asked about where to buy those nice big rolls of Kirkland paper towels.
“You know…” Malky reminisced. “This reminds me of something my Russian grandmother said they used to do when the Soviet stores actually had meat in stock . One of the ladies on her floor would knock on everyone’s door and everyone would immediately go to the shop. Things were so difficult back then…. nothing like now!“
Editor’s Note: This is our SECOND story obsessing over McCormick Brand Montreal Seasoning in less than 6 months. So our message to McCormick Foods is the following: “Pay Us.“
Hey Ladies and Gents! Wait, Sorry for the Gendered Language! My Staff are going to give me Heck about this when we get back to the office! But give an alter kacher some slack! I’m learning and evolving! Ha! So you like my schtick? Some people say it was dated when they did it in the Catskills 60 years ago, but what do they know, right?
OK Gang, so anyone hear any news from Israel this week? Because I was busy Tweeting about getting away from Fossil Fuels. And the Minimum Wage. And those Darn Republicans. And Affordable Housing. But I didn’t find anything noteworthy in the Middle East to Tweet about. Which is unusual, because my last name is “Schumer” which comes from the Hebrew “Shomer” or “Guardian“. Which makes me the guardian of the Jews, right? I never get tired of telling this amazing anecdote!
So yeah, pretty slow news week in terms of Israel and the Middle East. Which is great because it gives me time to reach out to some of the younger and “more rambunctious” lawmakers. Why, just this week I had coffee with that lovely girl Rashida from out in Michigan. She even taught me a song that she learned from her grandma, only Rashida called her grandma “siti”. Kind of like a “bubbe” in Yiddish right? So anyway, the name of the song was “Falastin baladna al Yahud kalabna”, and let me tell you, it had a very catchy tune! I don’t know Arabic, but it sounded amazing. Like butta! Rashida said the song was about coexistence. Who doesn’t love coexistence?
Then there’s AOC. What a gal! Can I say gal? Is that word OK? Anyways, she came over for a nice visit to my office! And she brought snacks from New York, some amazing cookies from a little bakery in Yonkers! She takes care of me like I’m her grandfather! But you know what’s funny? After we noshed on the cookies, she started measuring the drapes and the desk in my office and holding a swatch of carpet up against the floor. Kinda weird, but you know kids these days right? Anyhoo I asked her what she was doing and she said it was an old Puerto Rican Tradition that one performs when visiting a respected elder. Well I guess that respected elder is me! Naches!
So seriously, is anything happening in Israel this week? Because my staff haven’t told me anything.
Tel Aviv, The Old North: OK, so this is going to be a LONG night. I mean, Hamas promised they would attack between Midnight and 2 AM, and in the past couple of days their on-time rate has been a lot better than most Israeli companies. But the shelter in the building is kind of nice. There are some kids playing. Someone brought their dog! Also, there’s the hot girl from the second floor. This isn’t too bad!
Huh, what’s this? Oh no. Oh no no no. That guy just showed up. With a guitar. Wait, is this the one who was expelled from Hebrew Union College after he failed guitar class?” HaShem help us.
I just told him that I refuse to sing along to Wonderwall. But those guitar chords he’s doing write now…. They sound familiar. Oh no. I think he’s trying to play Stairway to Heaven. Badly.
Maybe if I cause some sort of commotion, it will make him stop. Here, let me jostle the broken futon in the corner that someone abandoned here 20 years ago. Maybe that will end this cycle of violence.
Wait, I think he’s moved on to John Mayer. I hate you Guitar Man. I really Hate you. But no, it gets worse. Someone just requested the Chili Peppers.
That’s it, I’m going outside to take my chances with the missiles.
Gaza: Tragedy struck the Gaza Strip yesterday as Israel destroyed a giant tunnel complex, trapping many Hamas fighters in the rubble. Yet this crisis has been compounded with news that three of Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar’s brothers and/or ex-husbands are among the missing. We’re not 100% sure. You see, with the Honorable Ms. Omar, the whole “husband” or “brother” title often gets lost in the weeds. Ms. Omar has a history of saying some not so nice things to say about the Jooz, but that didn’t stop us at the Daily Freier from showing up at the press conference in solidarity with her missing Brusbands.
“Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” Congresswoman Omar sta…..Wait, sorry! She really really said this once! Sorry folks, running satire pieces about these people is harder than you think.
Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yeah, so Ms. Omar was asked about why the United States continued to support Israel and she replied “It’s all about the Benjamins.” which was…. wait what? She actually said this in real life? OK we quit.
So yeah, we tried to write this story but it got away from us. Tune in next week when Ilhan accidentally sings “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahood” on a hot mike and Peter Beinart puts it in context for us.
UPDATE: While credible reports place Roger Waters in the same tunnel complex, he is not currently a husband and/or brother of Congresswoman Omar. We think.
Jerusalem, Katamon: American Olim across Israel are puzzled by the bizarre behavior of their British, Canadian, and South African friends. You see, in the Diaspora we’re all Jewish. But somehow when we arrive here, the Israelis decide that we’re all “Anglo-Saxons” (really). Anyhoo, it turns out that Americans have less in common with their fellow English-speakers than one would initially suspect. The Brits and other assorted Commonwealthians are in fact all obsessed by potato chips (Wait… they’re called crisps? Really?) that taste like they fell in salad dressing at a picnic. And now a reasonable facsimile of those chips has arrived in Eretz HaKodesh.
“Look at them plotting their route of makolets; it’s like they’re planning the D-Day Invasion.” noted an American Olah named Dassie as she watched her roommates huddled in a Katamon Cafe. The object of their desire? Salt & Vinegar chips.
“Yesterday, I saw my roommate Hannah taking selfies in the supermarket like a teenager.” Dassie confided. “I’ve lived with this girl for 4 years and I haven’t seen her so excited since the time her cousin from Leeds came to visit and brought a suitcase full of Cadbury chocolate and PG Tips teas. Who makes such a fuss over something silly like that?“
As we sipped our ice coffee, we heard a ruckus in the snack section of a nearby kiosk, a British guy and a Canadian guy violently fighting over the last bag of salt & vinegar chips. The shocked kiosk owner remarked “Wow… A Canadian acting rude…. and a British guy showing emotion!Moshiach is coming!“
When we got finished laughing at this foolish reaction over silly potato chips, we accidentally told Dassie that we’re planning a trip back to the States this month and she asked us to bring back Ziploc bags, K Cups, Dunkin Donuts coffee beans, the new iphone, and some decent cleaning products.
The Lone Soldier Center, Tel Aviv: With news that our idealistic and naive Prime Minister was outmaneuvered by Yair Lapid offering Mansour Abbas some sweet political freebies to join his coalition, a new Political Party has signaled that it too is ready to be bought off. The Recently formed Chayal Boded (“Lone Soldier”) Party has signaled that it will swing its electoral strength behind the right coalition… for a price. The Daily Freier joined a hastily convened Press Conference in the Lone Soldier Center Dining Hall just as they finished serving that tasty Chinese chicken with the sticky rice.
“Our demands are simple.” explained Party Spokesperson Doron S. “We need an iPhone charger. A couple of spliffs. Some tuna fish. A big bag of Bamba. Also maybe a bottle of Tubi this weekend after we get back from the South.” Doron whispered hastily with a cluster of advisors behind the microphone and then continued. “Don’t worry about the tuna fish, Josh is doing Miluim this weekend so when he gets back we should be good to go in terms of groceries for at least 2 weeks.”
“Before we join any Coalition…” Doron admonished “The Lone Soldier Party has some serious questions that need answers. Like the Knesset Dining Hall… MK’s eat for free, right? Also, will this give us some sort of discount on our Arnona?”
The Daily Freier stood up to challenge Doron on his Party’s short-sighted platform, but the Lone Soldier Center manager announced that she had an extra toaster oven that she was giving away and we got knocked to the ground in the subsequent chaos.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.