Tag: Israel news

The New York Times May 14, 2026May 14, 2026

OPINION: Nicholas Kristof Has Sex With Gerbils

This is a very difficult moment for us at the Daily Freier. But in the interest of Integrity in Media, we cannot remain silent. For we are Journalists. Shining the Bright Light of Fact-Finding into the void. We MUST speak Truth to Power. So here goes…..

NICHOLAS KRISTOF HAS SEX WITH GERBILS. Yes. You heard it here first. Nicholas is chasing a certain furry friend around the hamster wheel and things are getting Frisky. Is it love? Who are we to judge. But to quote Mr. Kristof, “If this ain’t love, why does it feel so good?” Much like the New York Times, when we aren’t 100% sure of something we just throw it in the Opinion section. Just to be safe. Yet once again, we feel REALLY strongly that this story is true, and in the spirit of Nicholas Kristof, we got 14 people to agree with us. So there you go. But back to Nicholas Kristof Shtupping gerbils…..

We first spoke about this breaking news with Dr. Ryan Bellerose at the Northern Alberta Institute for Media Issues. Doctor Bellerose shared his research with the Daily Freier. “My cousin’s neighbor’s brother is Mr. Kristof’s dry cleaner. He says the stories are all true.” Ryan scratched his chin and looked into the distance for a moment. “Also, he saw Kristof at Blockbuster Video in 2003 renting ‘Pretty Woman’ starring Richard Gere.”

The Daily Freier then spoke with our Frenemies in the Anglo Themed Israel Satire World, Preoccupied Territory. “I know a thing or two about this subject, and Kristof is cold busted.” noted Mr. Territory.”Those saying that a human-hamster coupling is anatomically impossible are in Denial.” Mr. Preoccupied then began furiously going through old texts on his phone. “Wait, do you think Michael Sfard And Jill Jacobs are going to sue me for this?“

Are you still not convinced about the veracity of this story? Well what if you saw more photos of Nick with his gerbils?

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!

Tel Aviv Living, Yom Ha'atzmaut April 22, 2026April 22, 2026

A Tel Aviv Girl Wears a Sweater-Vest? No Way!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 22 April 2026 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Are the History books trolling us? Is it a conspiracy? Our friend Romi C, a mom of 3 from Modi’in, was looking for historical photos of Yom HaAtzmaut (Israeli Independence Day) to show her kids and was quite shocked at what she found. “This must be fake. This photo is supposed to be young people in Tel Aviv outside of a movie theater, but they’re dressed strangely. Nobody has piercings or tattoos.” she exclaimed.

Romi explained her interest in Israeli History. “We’re a very Zionist family, you know.” Romi emphasized. “We made Aliyah a long time ago when there were real hardships. You know, before they had Ziplocs in Osher Ad and before Amazon shipped here.“

We sat with Romi and examined other well-known historical photos of Tel Aviv that we found in history books. “That’s a photo of the beach in Tel Aviv? Why is everyone dressed like they’re going to a Bar Mitzvah?” she remarked .”More importantly, where are all the dogs???“

With photos showing Tel Aviv residents in long skirts, button-up shirts, and long pants, the evidence was undeniably clear: either Tel Aviv was a Haredi city in the late 1940’s or someone was using AI on these photos from 77 years ago!

Iran War 2026, The Israel Barbie Collection April 14, 2026April 14, 2026

Israeli Barbie: Missile Shelter Edition!

Well it was quite a month here in Wartime Tel Aviv, and we at the Daily Freier have a lot to tell you. Roxy Cruz is our resident designer of The Daily Freier’s product line of Israeli Barbies to include the Hamas-Gaza War Barbie Collection, the Covid Barbie Collection, and our Startup Nation Barbie Collection. Now she is back with her Brand New Collection of Missile Shelter Barbies, with some honorable assistance by our Tel Aviv Living Editor Aaron Pomerantz, who purposely went to new shelters to collect weirdos. So Behold, The Daily Freier’s newest Barbies!

Ken Idan: Single, 32 years old. Tall for an Israeli guy, dark hair that will fall in 3 years, beard, Birkenstocks. Works in a low-level clerical job at a high-tech company. He is the default Israeli boyfriend. Nice, cool, reads manifestation books, and claims to practice yoga. Uses spirituality as a marketing tool to attract girls. Tells people about a psychedelic experience he had in Peru that changed his life, but forgets to tell them that the experience was only him having a massive case of diarrhea and talking to his deceased grandmothers who were asking for their Tupperware back. Always has an AM:PM 35 Shekel bottle of wine handy in case some girl says yes to him coming over to her mamad.

Barbie Gila: Single, 31 years old. Cosmetician. Always with her friend Sarit, who is also a cosmetician. Calls everyone “mamush” and “motek”. Almost as aggressive and territorial as her dog, a pinscher named Versace, and believes she has a chair that only she can sit on at the miklat. Used to be engaged to Yossi, but they broke up after her brother Tzahi scammed him for 250,000 Shekels and he left her to think about life in Thailand, where he came back married to Alice. Thinks she is very fancy and sophisticated with her white wine and fake designer bags. Inseparable from Sarit, who rolls her eyes every time someone tries to speak to them.

Barbie Miriam the Brazilian Single: Miriam is 28 years old and owns 11 shirts of Brazil to make sure people know where she is from… but men don’t care and women don’t talk to her anyways. Men come up and speak to her in Spanish, she tells them that she speaks Portuguese, and then they say they know because they learned Portuguese when they visited Argentina. Always smiling, always happy, and men are always so nice to her. She’s 2 years away from becoming a real Israeli after finding out those guys are only interested in her arepa. But arepas are from Venezuela.

Barbie Shulamit: Goes to the miklat with a small radio, shouting live disasters and where the missiles and shrapnel fell. “It is in Florentin now.” “Took an entire building down in Petach Tikva”. Comes accompanied by a foreign caretaker who is totally horrified so she has a nervous smile all the time.

Barbie Yochevet: A 49 year old Barbie who is suspected to sleep in jeans, considering how she appears in the miklat within minutes in an absolutely collected outfit and combed hair. Always carrying a bag containing her belongings and passport, in case we get rescued like Private Ryan.

Ken Ori and Barbie Osnat: A couple in their 40’s who have 5 children and haven’t been to a party in 7 years. So in order not to traumatize the children in the miklat, they turned it into a Midburn camp where the kids can lay on mattresses, drink wine, drink beer, and watch football.

Barbie Dorit: Looks at everyone entering the miklat and evaluates their fashion. Looks people up and down, judging them and why they are still wearing pajamas at 11:00 AM.

Ken Yaki: A 58 year old divorced high-tech guy with no children. Counts the “booms” out loud like nobody can hear it. He is a Missile Sommelier, telling everyone, by the intensity, speed and noise, if it is from Iran, Hezbollah, Hamas or if it is just a door that closed somewhere. Incredibly unhelpful to the anxiety of Barbie Alice: a foreign woman married to Ken Yossi for 5 months and new at the Middle East rodeo. She thinks we are all going to die every time and already enters the miklat crying. Ken Yossi lost his shid with Ken Yaki and wanted to whip him with one of the fairy light cables of Ken Ori and Barbie Osnat’s Midburn, but chilled out after he was offered a beer and a pill from Barbie Roxy’s collection.

Barbie Roxy: Alternating between clean pajamas for 5 weeks. Heavily medicated. Took a blue pill she found in a drawer. Praying, yet also drinking. Studying Kabbala for self-improvement but does not rule out exorcism.

* Special thanks to local reporter E.Jas for superb reporting from the field!

Jerusalem, Judaism, Our "Cousins" March 22, 2026March 22, 2026

Top Ten Mistakes Made By Palestinian Burglar Disguised as Haredi Guy

So they arrested a Palestinian for stealing computer equipment from a shop in Jerusalem’s Ma’alot Dafna neighborhood. But get this, he was disguised as a Haredi man, which is kinda CULTURAL APPROPRIATION, isn’t it? Anyhoo, according to News Reports, the man was “behaving suspiciously” before he was busted with stolen license plates, burglary tools, and the purloined merchandise. But the Daily Freier wanted to know more about how our “Cousin” messed up his disguise. In order to get to the bottom of this mystery, we dispatched our Almost-Back-on-the-Derech Reporter Yekutiel Bornstein and our Greater Jerusalem/Shomron Bureau Chief Chava Ewa to the scene of the crime. So behold: “Top Ten Mistakes That Busted The Palestinian Burglar Disguised as Haredi Guy”:

1. Never asked the Cops if they do Daf Yomi with Eli Stefansky.

2. He refused a cup of water during Interrogation “because plastic cups are bad for the environment“.

3. Was found with a bottle of “fancy” Coca Cola and not RC Cola.

4. Managed to get through a sentence without saying “Baruch HaShem” three times.

5. His shirt was ironed.

6. He wasn’t carrying a plastic bag.

7. His phone was manufactured after 2002.

8. A search of his pockets did not reveal 4 borekas from a Simcha wrapped in a napkin.

9. He wasn’t looking at the ground as he walked.

10. His pants weren’t hemmed 3 inches above his ankle.

~~11. He said he was going to work.~~

Mossad, Operation Epic Fury, Top 10 March 4, 2026March 20, 2026

Top Ten Signs That Israel Is About To Blow Up Your Staff Meeting

1. There’s a red dot on the wall but nobody has a laser pointer.

2. Why did the tea lady just call you “Mami”?

3. Your new IT guy insisted on working from home today.

4. The security guard is snacking on Hamantaschen.

5. Conference room is reserved for “Soleimani Reunion 2026”.

6. You open Bluetooth and see “Dudu’s burner phone”.

7. The felafel guy gave you a free Apple Air Tag with your order.

8. Bird on the windowsill is tweeting Hatikvah.

9. You sneeze and a man in the heating ducts says “LeBriyut!”.

10. Photographer for the group picture wants you to stand on some red and white concentric circles.

"The Squad", Hamas January 2, 2026January 2, 2026

IDF Finds Hamas Tunnel Under Ilhan Omar’s Gaza Daycare Center

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2 January 2026 at 2:35 PM

Rafah: Combat Engineers working in concert with elements of the Golani Brigade announced the discovery of a Hamas Tunnel under the City’s “Quality Learing Center“. The Daycare Center is part of a franchise operated by Representative Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Mogadishu) that receives funding from the State of Minnesota and has been open since 2021. The Daily Freier reported from today’s IDF Conference about the discovery.

“Our troops were forced to move slowly, as we overestimated the number of Hamas terrorists in the tunnels.” explained IDF Spokesman Captain Ron C. “You see, our Intelligence Unit counted both Ilhan Omar’s ‘husbands’ and ‘brothers’ without understanding that there’s a bit of overlap. But the lack of any actual kids in the Daycare Center made the operation easier.”

Representative Omar reacted swiftly to the accusations, writing on Twitter “Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” (Haha! Just kidding! But not really!)

For his part, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz blamed the political fallout over the tunnels on “White Supremacy.” (Haha, just kidding again! But not really!)

Music fans were relieved to learn that famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters emerged unhurt from the tunnel.

Hezbollah, Top 10 September 18, 2024March 20, 2026

Iran Ambassador’s Top Ten Excuses for having Hezbollah Pager

Imagine our surprise when, Boom, the Iranian Ambassador’s pager blew up and took out one of his eyes yesterday (Dayenu!). Because it doesn’t even make sense. I mean, Hezbollah is an organic Lebanese Resistance Movement. So when Israel blew up its pagers, we were like, ‘Hey, why does Iran have one of Hezbollah’s pagers? They’re not Lebanese!’ But despite the lack of logic of it all, the Daily Freier has soldiered through and delivered you this Cornucopia of random ideas that ran through our head. So Behold: Iranian Ambassador to Lebanon Mojtaba Amani’s Top Ten Excuses for having a Hezbollah pager.

1) I need Up-To-The-Minute Alerts about when Travis Kelce is going to propose to and/or break up with Taylor Swift

2) Sometimes they need an extra guy to make Minyan.

3) My wife took away my iPhone after she caught me in Mohammed El Kurd’s DM’s.

4) I was putting together an outfit for an 80’s Night.

5) Was listening to Biggie Smalls and just wanted to Keep It Real.

6) Kind of Obsessed with Nino Brown in New Jack City right now.

7) I was getting easily distracted by the Snake game on my 2001 Nokia phone.

8) Threw away my Samsung Galaxy because Robert Malley kept sexting me.

9) The Ayatollah chastised me for my old phone’s Matisyahu ringtone.

10) I am part of a criminal regime that has taken over Yemen, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon in order to fight Israel to the last Arab.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Start Up Nation April 14, 2024April 14, 2024

Heroes: Iran Drones Delayed by Experts from Israeli Postal Service

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 04/14/2024 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem: Israel breathed a sigh of relief this morning after Iran’s missile attack failed to cause serious casualties. Many of us thanked the Armed Forces of the USA, UK, and Jordan for shooting down much of the Armada. We also wondered why it took the Drones and Cruise Missiles like 8 hours to fly here, giving our defenses plenty of warning. Yet few of us know of the Unsung Heroes in Israel who deserve our praise today for the Super Slow Drones. Was it the Mossad? Nope, this time the Israeli Postal Service saved the day by hacking into Iran’s Guidance Systems and causing the Drones to take a much more “relaxed” attitude toward their job! The Daily Freier waited in line at the Post Office near Machane Yehuda for 45 minutes this morning until we could talk to one of Israel’s Modern Maccabees about their Mission.

“It was really quite easy.” explained a Postal employee named Yossi as he snacked on sunflower seeds and lazily glanced at his crossword puzzle. “Me and Yonatan hacked into the Guidance System and added the same Code that we use for ‘Priority Mail’. So yeah, the Missiles took a 3-hour Meal Break and shut off their transponders so Management wouldn’t know where they were.”

The Daily Freier tried to call Yossi a Hero of Zion, but he was reticent. “We just did our jobs. You know, by telling the Onboard Guidance Systems that the woman who had the proper target coordinates had just left early for a 2 Week Holiday Break after which she planned to transition directly to Maternity Leave.” Yossi looked up from his game of Sudoku and winked at us. “Based on a True Story!“

The Daily Freier wanted to continue the Interview, but Yossi told us to come back on Tuesday or Thursday between the hours of 0900 and 1100.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Israellycool January 25, 2024

IDF Discovers Mohammed El-Kurd’s Closet in Gaza Tunnel

Gaza City – Israeli forces announced a critical discovery this morning with far-reaching ramifications. Soldiers in the IDF’s Combat Engineer Battalion operating in tunnels 30 meters below Gaza City have uncovered a closet belonging to Palestinian Media Personality Mohammed El-Kurd. The Daily Freier spoke with Captain “Yossi”, an embedded IDF Public Affairs Officer as he briefed the Media via Zoom.

“We must be very cautious.” whispered Captain Yossi as troops gingerly approached the structure. “We believe that Mr. El-Kurd is hiding in the closet at this very moment.”

(Check out the full story over at Israellycool today!)