Tag: Israel news

Oleh who escaped Dizengoff Center now trapped in Jerusalem’s Binyan Clal

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 1/22/2020 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem, Clal Building: Would you believe it? The first week after I made Aliyah, I’m trapped in a building again!” said Zachary F, an American college student who once got lost in Dizengoff Center. “My neighbor told me to go to a Government office in Binyan Clal. At first I thought he was pranking me…it looked like an abandoned building… but then I saw the security guard … and that was the last time I saw daylight for the past two weeks.

Since then, Zachary has been wandering up and down the stone staircases, looking for signs or directions or even windows to orient himself (spoiler alert: there are no windows), stopping occasionally to check if there’s wi-fi where he’s standing (spoiler alert: no wi-fi can penetrate the building’s thick stones) and living off stale food from the vending machines.

I tried to find a store to ask for directions. I mean, there’s storefronts here, but it seems like they’re never open or boarded up… except for that sleazy looking sex shop over there and I’m too embarrassed to go inside.” he said. Zachary is hopeful that one day soon, someone will actually walk into the Clal Building and he can get directions. “Just so you know, when I get out, I’m going to complain about this on my Aliyah Blog!

The Daily Freier confirmed that the Clal Building did actually contain the Misrad Habinui Vhashikun (rental assistance office) which Zachary was seeking out. We also learned that it was built by the same architect who designed the Dimona Reactor (No. Really.)

Before we said our goodbyes, we asked Zachary if he had any messages that he wanted to convey to the Authorities. “This building is so dilapidated and old, I don’t understand why the Government is using such antiquated facilities… It’s so unlike them!

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My Ex from Haifa is a Pig and won’t give me a Get. No you don’t understand. He is. A Pig.

(Photo Credit: Youtube)

By Sarita Azul

Last Updated 1/21/2020 at 3:00 PM

Haifa: A woman who married a wild boar from Haifa in 1999 is now, decades later, one of Israel’s many ‘Agunot,’ the name for women ‘chained’ to a defunct marriage and unable to remarry in a traditional ceremony. Her husband, the wild boar, has repeatedly refused to grant her the Jewish divorce degree known as a Get. Smadar S., who had only been on three dates before she married the boar, and who subsequently filed for civil divorce, is frantic to get a religious divorce as well so she can remarry and have a child before her biological clock ticks to the end of her fertility.

I never thought a wild boar would trap me like this.” she said. “He was so nice in the beginning. But now my life is a mess and it’s completely unfair. Why does he get to remarry while I can’t even date? Being an Agunah is worse than turning forty.

Look, I understood that he was a wild boar.” Smadar went on. “But I thought my love would help him to change. I was patient. I was kind. He wanted to root through garbage? Fine. I looked the other way. His idea of a vacation was digging his furry snout into garden manure… whatevs. A wild boar’s gotta do what a wild boar’s gotta do. I get it. I’m not meshuganah. But he’s absolutely refused to be a mensch and grant me a Get, even when asked by friends, family, attorneys and others. His response was always the same. He’d snort a few times, trot away and overturn a trash bin.”

The wild boar population in the coastal city of Haifa has grown considerably larger since 2018 as a result of the city’s mayor, Einat Kalisch-Rotem banning measures that would have driven the wild boars away and/or killed them. Animal rights defenders have applauded the mayor’s defense of nature and the local wildlife, but there have now been reports of single wild boars in dating apps and groups of wild boars blocking traffic. Wild boars, like foxes, jackals and other wildlife, are protected by Israeli law.

Wild boars are grey, their hair feels like bristle, and they can grow up to two meters (six feet) long.” Smadar took a long sip of her coffee and stared into the distance. “I don’t know why I thought that was Hot.

Oy, veh iz mir… you wouldn’t believe how selfish they are. A wild boar thinks only of himself. He never replaced the toilet paper after he used up a roll. Just left the cardboard. Seriously, every time. He never paid a bill. Never cooked a meal. Never a kind word. Nothing. De nada. I wish I’d gotten a pre-nup.”

As we got up to leave, Smadar inquired whether we knew any ‘discreet’ Arab Christians or Russians who ran a butcher shop. “Asking For a Friend“.

Amazon shocked to discover Israeli delivery drivers act like Israeli drivers

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/29/2019 at 11:00 AM

Tel Tzion: As more and more olim are realizing that they really don’t want to walk to the Makolet and speak Hebrew, the Israeli postal system has become desperately overwhelmed. “I walked out of my building and a guy in a van yelled at me: ‘Are you Leora Cohen?’ Umm…what?” said Tel Tzion resident Hadassah C.  After Hadassah explained that she wasn’t Leora but that she was Leora’s upstairs neighbor, the guy threw a parcel at her and sped off shouting “So, you give this to her when you see her.

Strangely enough, many Amazon shoppers in Israel are finding that just because something comes from an American company doesn’t mean that their Israeli counterparts are remotely sorta halfway holding to the same level of American service. “My parcel was late. And the box looked like it had been taped together. .. and the sweatshirt I had ordered for my husband smelled a bit like arak and nargileh smoke.” complained Chani D., another disappointed shopper. “I’m not going to stop buying from Amazon (chas v’shalom!) but I complained on about 22 Facebook groups, including the one where the guy said he just ordered 16 boxes of Kleenex because and I quote, ‘I’m kind of a tissue snob.‘ Yeah, that one too.

The Daily Freier tried to reach Amazon customer service staff in Americaland to provide some constructive feedback. A customer service representative in Omaha replied “Yeah, yeah, we heard this already. Honestly, we didn’t expect Israeli delivery drivers to be so…Israeli.  Wait, you mean, they’re still doing that after we told them not to? But…but… we told them not to!

“Why are you dancing on my van & trying to hug me?” Oleh who bought used van has questions

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/24/2019 at 1:15 PM

Beitar Illit: The weirdest things have been happening since I bought this van.” noted Beitar Illit resident and father-of-nine Yitzi P. “We just made Aliyah last month and I got a good deal on a used van from some hippie religious guys…. they were really nice, they even included a CD player and some CDs. It’s funny, but whenever I stop at a red light, people start dancing and the guys in tight jeans and gelled hair run out to give me hugs and call me “achi”…..that means brother, right? People are so friendly here!”

Yitzi continued. “Then, a guy comes up to my window and gives me a little bag and asked me if I “rotzeh samim?” It took me a minute because my Hebrew isn’t so good, but I realized that he was giving me havdala spices! That’s so nice, right? He was doing kiruv like the Chabad ladies who give out candles. After a few days, I ended up with a few extra bags of havdala spices, so I decided to share the mitzvah too…I’ve been giving them out whenever people come over and try to dance with me at traffic lights!”

Yitzi explained that he’s happy in Israel. “I think I totally understand Israelis now. …but hey, that police car looks like it’s been following me all day. Do you think I have a busted tailight or something?”

New Elections averted after Netta joins Coalition

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 12/11/2019 at 6:45 PM

Jerusalem:The stalemate in Israeli politics is broken and a new coalition has won the backing of the public. Netta Barzilai will join the Blue White and Pink party, thus saving Israeli voters from a third election and saving the sanity of President Rivlin. The shocking move will see the Eurovision winner as Defense Minister. Plus, Bar Refaeli will serve Finance Minister.

As a confused Bibi looked nostalgically at a pair of furry handcuffs, Sarah began to bake cakes with metal files inside. While the ultra-religious parties, Shas and UTJ, sensing their time was up, raided yeshivas, burning a surprising amount of Wizard of Oz DVDs. The Joint List said: “We will not cooperate with this Coalition. We are not your toy. Wait, can we rephrase that?”

An excited Netta noted  “I have a manifesto to unite people and make them forget about scandalous corruption, the insane cost of living, and an utterly senseless conflict. Oh, and ridiculous fashion and cheesy music for Everyone!”

Omer Adam, call your agent

Daily Freier criticized for “Anglos Only” Pétanque Tournament

No Francophones were harmed in the making of this article

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/1/2019 at 3:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Apparently the Daily Freier is in a lot of trouble.  Like, a LOT of trouble. In the spirit of Community, we decided to organize a pétanque tournament. In Tel Aviv. On Rothschild Boulevard. Where apparently a certain….group of Olim congregate and play this really cool looking game that looks like bocce only even more ridiculous. Anyhoo, we organized this Competition, and somehow accidentally added “Anglos Only” to the Facebook Event. Must have been an oversight. You see, the Daily Freier has been obsessed with pétanque for a long time. But now we are getting a bunch of angry texts from the principal of Collège Français de Tel-Aviv, the French Embassy, and that kinda hot/kinda crazy French girl from your Ulpan. The Daily Freier hastily held a News Conference to dispel rumors.

Daily Freier editor Yuval Weiss greeted the assembled press, but before he could finish his introduction, an angry editor from I24-Francaise lit into him.

It is simply…absurd that the Daily Freier would exclude the very Nation that created this noble sport from your tournament. Do you not notice that the pétanque courts of Rothschild are absolutely French?”

Wait, they’re French?” replied Yuval. “You sure? Because I’m so Woke that I don’t see race or color or national origin.”

The Daily Freier tried to change the subject to our upcoming Chanukah Scavenger Hunt in Dizengoff Center, but the French Embassy Chargé d’affaires stood on his chair and began reading from the Declaration of the Rights of Man and name-dropping the Marquis DeLafayette.

Finally, Yuval was able to regain control of the Press Conference. “We apologize for the oversight. It’s just that as Anglos we are used to creating new opportunities on very short notice. It’s hard to explain this concept sometimes….. Wait, what’s the word for ‘entrenpeneur’ in French?

Finally, The Daily Freier was able to defuse the situation by inviting everyone to a Mickey Rourke Film Festival at the Kerem House.

*In the spirit of Jewish Solidarity, we promise to hold next year’s Daily Freier Pétanque Tournament in Netanya.

 

 

 

 

 

Israel adds extra Yom Kippur just for Scooter Riders

“This is your chance to apologize to us.”
(photo credit: Hazel Orpen)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/11/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: In the greatest change to Judaism in centuries, Israel has added an extra Yom Kippur. Yet it’s reserved specifically for scooter riders, because they suck  their actions have posed a unique challenge to 21st Century Israeli society. Specifically: how does one repent for anti-social behavior if a single Yom Kippur is not enough? The Daily Freier walked over to the Tel Aviv Rabbanut to get all of the facts.

 

We were greeted in the Lobby by Yossi, the Rabbanut’s Director of Community Outreach. We asked him exactly what prompted this drastic action. “The rise of the scooter has affected us all.” he explained. “Bird, Lime, whatever. Remember when electric bicycles were the most annoying vehicle on the sidewalk? Good Times.”

The Daily Freier asked Yossi just how the Rabbanut could possibly change the Jewish calendar. “Why not?” he replied. “We have 3 Election Days this year. What’s an extra Kol Nidre?” Yossi thumbed through the Gemara looking for a specific passage.  “This extra Yom Kippur…. it is a chance for you to repent for being such a… how do I say this without committing Lashon Hara?….. for being such a sociopathic ass.

The Daily Freier challenged Yossi, noting that anti-social behavior takes many forms. “You raise a compelling point.” Yossi replied, as he pulled another book from the shelf. “Next year, bzrat HaShem, ‘Extra Yom Kippur’ will also apply to people who play matkot on the beach.”

In the spirit of diversity, Daily Freier will also be accepting repentance from those of you who park on the sidewalk.

 

 

“He was never even banned from Keep Olim!” Israel’s fake Aliyah stories debunked

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/8//2019 at 2:00 PM

Jerusalem: This week The Times of Israel reported a mini-scandal rocking the nation: the Ministry of Absorption created make-believe Olim for their Social Media Campaigns. That’s right, the Ministry in charge of immigration had a hard time finding actual….. immigrants. Which is weird, because we’re not shy about sharing things. Such as how much better the Banking was in our country, how the country isn’t doing enough for us, and how we’d already be multi-trillionaires if we hadn’t made Aliyah. So it’s not like it would be hard to find us, seeing how Extra we can be when it comes to complaining. But apparently the Absorption Ministry wanted Olim who wouldn’t spend the whole article whining about the lack of Ziploc bags and a real Apple Store, and instead wanted something more positive. C’mon that’s nuts, right? Yet it was just these incredibly suspicious positive attitudes that first alerted the Olim Community to this shady enterprise. The Daily Freier set out to ask our fellow immigrants of the exact moment that they detected the Government’s Fake Online Olim.

So I was reading this one profile about a guy, and it said he had a real job.” explained an Olah Hadasha named Jess. “Major Red Flag, right? So I tried to CyberStalk him and I couldn’t find any history of him getting banned from Keep Olim. That’s when I called BS. Also, none of them had ever begged me to bring a bag of their winter clothes back on my next flight from New York.”

When the Olah from Britain said she had more than two Israeli friends? Oh Please.” scoffed a recent immigrant named Tali. “It’s just so obvious. I mean, she never even mentioned the time she tried to sell a futon on Secret Tel Aviv and got a bunch of really sketchy DM’s from Israeli guys. Plus, her name wasn’t Rachel or Sarah.”

There was just so much lying.” complained David from Boston. “The Lone Soldier who talked about buying furniture at IKEA? They should have started small, maybe with a Lone Soldier who doesn’t mooch your groceries.”

UPDATE: The Daily Freier wants the Big Money Machers at Misrad HaKlita to know that for the right price, we will create convincingly fake Aliyah Blogs that will fool the most cynical Olim. We know how to do this. Trust us.

‘I’m not Giveret!’ Secular Jerusalem Woman’s winter clothes make her look religious

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/3/2019 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem: “I wish they’d stop calling me ‘giveret’… and stop wishing me ‘b’sha’ah tova’ already!“ yelled secular, unmarried Jerusalem resident Olga R. “It happens every winter.” she explained. “When it gets cold, I wear a warm hat and a big cozy sweater and suddenly they think I’m one of “them”… you know, those religious women who are always pregnant. I would correct them, but then I’d have to give up my seat on the bus.

As winter weather settles over Israel, secular Israelis find themselves in the uncomfortable situation of being mistaken for their religious brethren. The Daily Freier sat down with a few of these misunderstood souls. “It was freezing cold, so I wore a long skirt with thick tights.” Yaffa explained. “So, this cute religious guy starts chatting me up and asks me if I want to go to a hotel with him. I agreed, but when we got there, he just wanted to sit in the lobby and drink a Coke Zero. Worst. Hookup. Ever ….even worse than that Tinder guy who took my old couch.

Yossi G. recalled an incident on the fast train to Tel Aviv. “It was raining, so I was wearing a hat and long black raincoat and reading a vintage Hebrew poetry book when this creepy yeshiva bachur sits down beside me. He said ‘You really look like you know how to shteig. What sugya are you into? I’m looking for a chavrusa.’ I though it was a gay pickup line.”

These religious people are so superficial… they just judge people by external stuff… it’s disgusting.” Yossi complained as Yaffa and Olga agreed. Just then, Yaffa realized that her phone battery had died and asked Yossi to use his phone. “I left it in the car.” he said. Later, as Yaffa was leaving, Yossi confided to the Daily Freier that he had lied about leaving his phone in the car “I have an iPhone X, I didn’t want her to see it and think I’m a nerd. I’m getting my iPhone 11 delivered next week.”

Huge win for BDS after Hurricane cancels Israel visit

“OK, can you stop texting me now, Mr. Waters?”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/28/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Israel’s Hasbara efforts suffered a crushing blow this weekend after a Category One Hurricane failed to show up for its scheduled appearance. Hurricanes are fairly rare in this part of the world, so there was quite a bit of anticipation building up for its arrival. Yet last minute lobbying forced the hurricane, who goes by “Bob”, to cancel his trip. The Daily Freier spoke with Bob as he wandered aimlessly off the coast of Cyprus.

I just couldn’t take the pressure.” lamented Bob. “Which is ironic, because I’m supposed to thrive in fluctucations of barometric pressure, right?” Bob half-heartedly threw some rain clouds into the atmosphere and continued. “It started when my friend Gus the Tornado told me about the open letter from Roger Waters on the Weather Channel accusing me of ‘Climate Apartheid’. Then some bizarre cat lady started tweeting at me from her vacation to Iran. I couldn’t really understand her message, but she kept saying ‘Seriously, Bob?’…. I just felt unsafe.”

The Daily Freier asked Bob if he had any regrets about his canceled trip. “I really wanted to visit my family in Israel. The Flash Floods down south, my cousin Humidity, and of course my brother-in-law Boaz the Golani Cloud.

Reaction from the BDS people was unsupringly giddy, with many of the usual suspects chiming in:


Israel might have hypnotized the world, but it cannot hypnotize the weather. Me and my (EDITOR’S NOTE: Check CNN and insert name of current boyfriend/husband as of 5 AM Eastern Standard Time before this story goes to print) applaud the courage of Bob the Hurricane.” -Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat, Minnesota)

If Bob the Hurricane truly wants to educate himself about Palestine, he can listen to the folk songs I heard growing up in my grandmother’s village. You know, songs like ‘Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahud’. or ‘Falastin Baladna Yahud Kalabna’ . Stuff like that.” – Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (Democrat, Michigan)

What’s a Hurricane?” -Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes (Democrat, New York)


Reaction to Bob’s cancellation among the “Only in Israel!” crowd was unsurprisingly glum, forcing Taglit to cancel a planned stop at the Technion where a representative from ‘Stand With Us’ would explain how Israel invented hurricanes in the mid-1980’s using only solar panels, Waze, and Dead Sea skin products.