Somewhere over the Arabian Peninsula: Quick, somebody call The Scorpions, because The Winds of Change are here! That’s right, Ivanka’s husband has Peace springing up all in this joint. Our Treaty with the United Arab Emirates holds fast, despite the arrival of Israeli travelers. Serbia and Kosovo want to move their Embassies to Jerusalem. Now Saudi Arabia is starting to show signs of thawing its relationship with Israel by allowing Israeli commercial aircraft to fly over its airspace, vastly shortening trips to the Gulf, India and the Far East!
You’re flying EL AL to Dubai on business, feeling quite emotional about this historic change, and the Flight Attendant (Smadar?) is totally ignoring your request for a Coke. Only now she’s ignoring you over Saudi Airspace! Incredible! Im Tirtzu, right?
So Smadar has finally acknowledged your existence, and she’s reacting to your request for a soft drink as if you asked for a Gold Krugerrand on caviar. Only now she’s doing it over what looks like the lights of Riyadh! We’ve come so far!
Wait, she’s returning with what looks like a soft drink in a plastic cup! OMG! As we fly over a nation that was once our enemy but now is sort of our frenemy! Is that your Coke? Yes it is, and she just slammed it down on your tray table with all the strength of Start-Up Nation! Who would have thought just ten years ago that you could enjoy passive-aggressive EL AL customer service 10,000 meters over the Arabian Desert! Herzl is smiling down upon us!
Wait, so she didn’t provide ice in the drink and you want to get her attention? What are you, nuts? Do you have some sort of death wish?
Jerusalem, Rasko: “After years of complaining about America, my cousins made Aliyah…. both the far-right and the far-left one!” gushed Jerusalem resident Chana N. “It all happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to ask them to bring me a suitcase full of Q-Tips, Montreal Spice, and Ziplocs.They arrived yesterday and immediately started their Aliyah blogs!”
Chana scrolled through her Facebook feed looking for each cousins’ posts. “Every time President Trump did something she didn’t like, my cousin Leora would write ‘That’s it! I can’t stay in America, I’m making Aliyah!‘ ….So far so good, right?”
“But with my other cousin, Miri, it was the exact same thing except it was Obama and Pelosi…. They’ve been saying it for years.”
Of course, when pressed about actually making Aliyah, each cited some vague excuses about ‘Parnasa’ and asked when Target and Amazon were going to start shipping to Israel. But after spending years as “Almost Olim“, America’s current Bi-Partisan Balagan helped make up their minds!
The Daily Freier reached both Leora and Miri on a Zoom call at their Quarantine Hotels. After politely listening to their gripes about the hotel food, we asked each woman why she made Aliyah: was it because of their Zionist ideals, a sense of religious duty, or were they escaping antisemitism? Miri chimed in. “First week of September my cousin in Israel is sending her kids to school and our old school district is closed! I’ll do anything to escape from a year of distance learning… Anything!”
In a show of solidarity and unity, both Leora and Miri vowed to wear their Nefesh B’ Nefesh hats until Moschiach arrives.
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: Many of you know Dizengoff Center as a place with quirky shops, a playground with a slide exiting an elephant’s tuchus (really), and a Kafkaesque design plan. But did you know that Dizengoff Center has a rooftop Urban Eco Farm? Well it does, and it contains really cool things like bamboo, an herbal wall, beehives, and greenhouses! Trouble is, the insects that are supposed to inhabit the ecosystem keep getting hopelessly lost in and around Dizengoff Center. That’s right, the insects in Dizengoff Center are just as confused and disoriented as you are. The Daily Freier stopped by to talk with some of our friends from the Invertebrate Community and offer our support.
“I’ve really just given up hope.” sighed a cricket named Dudu. “I moved here last month from Holon because the rent was cheap and the view was amazing. But I’ve been wandering the parking garage for five days and I have no idea where I am.” Dudu turned around, trying to find a familiar landmark. ” I just feel like I’ve made a huge mistake.“
“This doesn’t even make any sense.” complained a honeybee named Devorah somewhere near the food court. “I was supposed to meet a girlfriend for coffee so I left the hive early just in case…. I’ve passed that weird tattoo shop four times in the last hour.“
Finally, the Daily Freier met up with a speckled moth named Uri near the movie theater. “I left the greenhouse four hours ago to get a smoothie and now I can’t find my way home. I read the Daily Freier and thought that Olim only get lost here because they’re idiots.” Uri stared silently into the distance. “But it’s real… it’s real.”
Dubai: Years of hard work by diplomats from the United Arab Emirates, Israel, and the United States are up in smoke today after the UAE abruptly withdrew from its Peace Deal with Israel. What caused this change? The BDS Movement? No. An angry phone call from Abu Mazen? Nope. The whiny complaints of Ben Rhodes or Peter Beinart? No, but they were hilarious. No, No, No. In the end, the deal was destroyed by the arrival of a unique threat. That’s right, Israeli tourists showed up. The Daily Freier was able to get the facts just before Dubai permanently banned Israelis again forever.
“It seemed like a good idea.” explained a Tourism Ministry employee named Ahmed. “The young Israelis said they wanted to have a ‘Nature Party’ on the sand dunes. Who doesn’t love nature?” Ahmed took a long sip from his coffee and stared out the window into the distance. “Your young people really like trance music and Ecstasy.“
“We had a problem on a flight last night.” sighed Ibrahim, a Customs Officer at Dubai International Airport. “We don’t even know how the Israelis got on the airplane during Corona, but they did.” Ibrahim nervously fidgeted with his cigarette and continued. “May I ask you a question? What does ‘Ani rotzah shokolad‘ mean?“
Finally, the Daily Freier stopped by the Dubai Hilton to try to figure out what went wrong. “I am sorry, but I do not have time to speak with you.” explained the manager. “The bathrobes and hair dryers are currently missing from all of our rooms.“
When asked about the abrupt diplomatic loss, Prime Minister Netanyahu was surprisingly relaxed. “The irony is that the Emiratis did not even get a chance to meet our National Dream Team of Tourist All-Stars.“
Tel Aviv: So we got good news and bad news. First, the good news. We met a recent arrival to Israel who is enthusiastic, refuses to quit, and determined to make it work here. The bad news is it’s the Corona Virus. The virus, who immigrated to Israel in late February and is named Rachel or Sarah, was kind enough to sit down with the Daily Freier at that cute cafe near Ben Yehuda that’s really popular with Olim.
“OMG I love it here!” enthused the virus. The Daily Freier asked the virus about her story. “So, like my family was originally from China, but then I just started traveling! It was so exciting! Europe! North America! It felt like I was on Gap Year!“
The Daily Freier asked the virus if it had any long-term goals in Israel. “I’m going to start my own NGO!” she replied. “It’s going to be like Taglit, except it will bring young infectious viruses to Israel! Isn’t this exciting?!! Imagine…. a virus riding a camel! Taking shots of Tubi! It just made out with the cute soldier from the bus! It’s got mud all over its body at the Dead Sea! ” (Later, we reluctantly had to admit that this idea wasn’t the dumbest piece of Israel Advocacy that we had ever heard of.)
Then the virus started to “spill tea” on life in Israel. “I hooked up with a Golani last week! We met at the beach!” Then the virus turned introspective. “But why isn’t he calling me? I mean, I got his text that he’s sick with a high fever. But is that just some kind of commitment issues bullshit? They say he’s in an isolation ward on his base, but I think he’s just ghosting me.“
As we got up to leave, the virus had one more question. “So when do I get my 750 Shekels from the Government for Covid Relief?“
UPDATE: There appears to be an End Date to the Corona Epidemic. After the Holidays, she’s going to get married and move to Ra’anana and then nobody will ever hear from her again.
Jerusalem: People are talking of a Modern Day Miracle in the Holy Land this week, as the Unthinkable has come True. That’s right, apparently someone got out of their Hot Cable contract. The Daily Freier wandered around Ben Yehuda Street asking people for their opinion on this Nes Gadol that Haya Po.
“This is Amazing, but I have some questions.” noted Adi, a Tech Sector employee from Modiin. “Did they go through the Website? They couldn’t have gone through the website.“
“So did they find a Sabra to yell at them on their behalf?” inquired Tel Aviv Childcare worker Arielle. “Because the moment they figured out I was an Olah, it was Game Over.“
“Okay I’m quitting today. If they could do it, I can do it.” enthused Motti, an independent contractor from Jerusalem. The Daily Freier had to gently explain to Motti that it was an Evangelical Christian Group that was not renewed, and this was because it was suspected of targeting Jews for Conversion to Christianity.
“So wait, all I need to do is talk about ‘You-Know-Who‘ and I can get out of my contract?” asked Motti. “Too Easy.“
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Motti was on the phone with Hot Cable asking the Customer Service Representative if she had a moment to discuss their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Modiin: “It’s about time I get what’s Magiya Li! All the people with kids, seniors, disabled, small business owners and atzmaii people got grants from the government… now it’s my turn!” said Gefen H, olah chadasha and owner of an illegal catering business, after hearing about the government’s announcement of Corona stimulus grants for Israelis running under-the-table businesses.
Gefen explained that she saw a posting on Facebook, which led her to the Bituach Leumi website. “It wasn’t difficult to apply….I just had to provide a few details. Like, you know, what kind of business I was running, how long I’ve been doing it, how much I made, and where I deposit the money.” Her roommate Anat was suspicious, but Gefen insisted that the site is genuine. “It’s a government website. They don’t lie!”
“I’m not saying Gefen is gullible, but when she was here on Birthright, she hooked up with that soldier who told her that he would never ever spend the night with a girl he just met, but that she was special because of her deep commitment to Zionism.” observed Anat.
The Daily Freier visited the Bituach Leumi office in Jerusalem (because we needed an excuse to buy candy at that American supermarket across the street) and met Dudi and Yossi, the two clerks responsible for overseeing the grant program. “Look, Bibi has been giving away so much taxpayer money, we had to find a way to drum up revenue.” Dudi explained. “It was my idea to catch tax cheats with this phony grant program. Yossi thought people would see right through it, so I bet him a Shwarma meal that he was wrong…I got my Shwarma.”
Meanwhile, we spoke to Gefen as she was taking a break from complaining on Facebook about how the government doesn’t care about her, is ignoring her needs, et cetera, and is awaiting her grant money. “I just heard a knock at the door!” she exclaimed. “Maybe they sent a courier with my check. That’s so nice of them!”
Tel Aviv, Allenby: We celebrate many heroes of the Corona Epidemic: Police, First-Responders, Doctors, Nurses, Grocery Store Workers, Postal Employees, Delivery Drivers, Soldiers. Yet there are some heroes who have gone unnoticed: people who refuse to be afraid and continue to maintain their routine. One such man is Danny, a Tel Aviv man who somehow just managed to cut in front of you at the Super Yuda near your house while still maintaining proper social distance. The Daily Freier was at the scene to witness this symbolic act of defiance against Covid-19.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes.” explained line-cutting victim Adam H. “He’s truly a professional. I’m not even angry. That was….. majestic.”
We then asked Danny just how he was able to perfect his fine art. “Believe me, It’s not easy.” he explained. “But we’re Israelis. This is not my first crisis.” Danny continued. “With a proper understanding of Physics, anything is possible.”
When asked about his plans for the future, Danny indicated that he prayed for an end to the Government’s restrictions on movement, so he could get back to his routine of almost hitting you with his scooter while you walk on the sidewalk.
Tel Aviv, The Old North: Israel is abuzz today with exciting news… The Daily Freier hired Omar Barghouti. That’s right, the founder of the BDS Movement has signed with the #1 Voice in Anglo-infused Israeli satire! Mr. Barghouti, long known for pushing a hard line on Boycotting the Jewish State unless, like, you know, it personally inconvenienced him, will now be a full-time writer. In fact, Omar hit the ground running by submitting a satire piece to the Jerusalem Post entitled “If Israel develops a Corona Virus Vaccine, you can take it.” The Daily Freier spoke to its writing staff on what Mr. Barghouti’s arrival meant to them.
”OMG, this guy is amazing.” noted Yekutiel Bornstein. “I hope he doesn’t mind that we used to say he looks like a chubby Buster Bluth.”
Aaron Pomerantz was simply in awe of his new colleague. “He’s so full of shit…. it’s….it’s…. Majestic.“
Of course, there have been some growing pains along the away for both sides, as Editor Yuval Weiss explained. “We asked him to do a satire piece where he pretends to study at Tel Aviv University….. and then he reminded us that he no-kidding studied at Tel Aviv University.”
Also, Mr. Barghouti will have to deal with the fact that our Unisex Restroom has a sign that says “Occupied”.
Tel Aviv: The world cheered today after Israeli scientists managed to trap and isolate the Corona Virus in Tel Aviv’s Dizengoff Center Mall. Dizengoff Center is not so much a Mall as it is a confusing series of passageways connected by shops selling candles and/or pop tarts. Yet despite the fact that the Daily Freier has dunked on the mall here hereherehere and here, it is these very qualities that allowed Israel to trap the virus inside of a building that one cannot escape. The Daily Freier put on our masks, washed our hands with soap, and checked out the Health Ministry’s Press Conference outside the Mall’s King George Street Exit by the parking garage.
“The Corona Virus is now trapped somewhere on the 3rd floor between the tattoo shop and the Apple Store that isn’t actually an Apple Store.” explained Doctor Yonatan C. from the Ministry of Health. “It tried to find its way out but became confused and turned around after walking past the playground with the slide protruding from a giant plastic elephant’s butt.”
In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier skyped with The Corona Virus as soon as it got some decent wi-fi. “Where the hell am I? This place doesn’t even make sense.” complained The Artist Formerly Known As Corona. We then asked Corona just how it was lured into such an elaborate trap. “I needed to run some errands…. you know, pick up stuff from the pharmacy, maybe get some Druze Pizza from the food concessions, and drop off dry cleaning. They said they had convenient parking. I walk inside and within minutes I was lost.” The Virus looked around in confusion and began to sulk. “The worst part is the deception.”
As the Daily Freier ended the conversation, the Corona Virus was desperately trying to download the mall’s EasyDizi Navigation App.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.