Tag: Israel news

Israeli Politics, Start Up Nation

Tel Aviv Pub hires Smotrich to Write their English Menu
“The Elephant is in the Room!”

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/19/2023 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Start-Up Nation has done it again! Basking in the amazing success of his Speech at the Israel Bonds Conference in Washington, Israeli Politician Bezalel Smotrich is now in high demand as a translator of Tel Aviv menus. But one lucky Pub on Dizengoff Boulevard drew first honors. You know the Pub. It’s the one with the really long benches outside and the hot but indifferent wait staff. Not that one. The other one.

You see, Israeli restaurants have to endure the VERY UNFAIR stereotype that their English menus were written with a combination of Google Translate, Indian Tech Support, and reruns of “Friends”. Anyhoo, The Daily Freier spoke to Alon, one of the Pub’s 12 owners about this new business model.

“This menu will be the best for tourists who want to sit on a beer, no?” enthused Alon. “Maybe they can order a plate of laziness.”

“Do you mean lasagna?” inquired The Daily Freier. But Alon looked at us like we were high.

Finally, The Daily Freier contacted Mr. Smotrich himself about this exciting new business opportunity.

“Thanks for you face in me. My land Grandmeizer would be so proud.” stated Mr. Smotrich. “There is a sorting way that these Menus must be wrote. The Elephant is in the Room!“

As the Daily Freier went to print, we learned that Prime Minister Netanyahu has hired former President George W. Bush as an English Language tutor for Smotrich.

 

Israeli Politics, Tikkun Olam

Reform Jewish Activist caught smuggling Tambourine at Western Wall

(photo credit: SGC Media)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 2/13/2023 at 5:00 PM

Jerusalem, The Dung Gate: With inter-communal tension in Israel on the rise, police today prevented a potentially serious escalation in Jerusalem’s Old City. A Reform Jewish activist  aroused the suspicion of Police as he attempted to enter the Western Wall Plaza. When police searched his WGBH Boston totebag, they discovered a tambourine and some Debbie Friedman bootlegs. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all the facts.

As the suspect was led away in handcuffs, the Daily Freier asked security personnel just what aroused their suspicion. A police spokesman named Assaf answered our questions. “We get a lot of Jerusalem Syndrome here, but this was different. When we asked the suspect what he was doing at the Kotel, he mentioned Tikkun Olam. A lot. He really mentioned Tikkun Olam a lot.”

The Daily Freier then asked Assaf about the suspect’s current state of health and welfare. “At first he was very upset and refused to stop singing ‘Bim Bam’ again and again.” Assaf explained. “But we gave him some back issues of Tikkun Magazine and a nice carob cake. He seems happy.“

The Daily Freier then contacted Jerusalem’s Hebrew Union College and asked if they had anything to do with today’s disturbance. A faculty member named “Rabbi Danny” disputed our line of questioning. “These stereotypes have got to stop. You act like Reform Rabbis walk around barefoot in Shul all day when we’re not busy composting. This simply is not True.“ **

News of the arrest spread like wildfire throughout Israel. “This meddling by so-called Reform Jews is unacceptable and an insult to our Community.” fumed a spokesperson for the United Torah Judaism Party. “Now if you will excuse me, we need to block the extradition of an accused sex offender to Australia.“

As the article went to press, the entire Rabbinical Class from HUC was standing outside of the police station holding candles and singing “Shalom Rav” while some of the students played the guitar.

** Real World Alert: We did in fact visit a Shul where the Rabbi wasn’t wearing any shoes. But in fairness, he was Masorti.  Zero points awarded for guessing that this happened in Tel Aviv.

 

Start Up Nation

‘It’s early Purim!’ Religious Israelis celebrate end of Plastic Utensils Tax

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 2/6/2023 at 5:30 PM

Tel Tzion: “It’s like early Purim! The evil decree has been lifted and we are free again!” exclaimed Rivky, a resident of Tel Tzion who is busy planning a Bar Mitzvah and a Bat Mitzvah. “My son’s Bar Mitzvah is in Iyar… I didn’t want to choose between buying plasticware and soda drinks …. or buying tefillin for him. A boy can always borrow tefillin, but it is literally impossible to make a simcha without plastic plates. Baruch Hashem, this evil tax has been repealed just in time.“

We spoke to some of Rivky’s friends, many of whom recently had Bar and Bat Mitzvah celebrations and asked them how they managed. “My brother was coming in from New Jersey, so he brought us a suitcase of plastic plates.” explained one friend. “Now that Israel has Ziplocs , he had a lot of extra room in his luggage.”

“We ordered plasticware on Amazon…. Baruch Hashem they have free shipping to Israel!” noted Rivky’s friend Rochel.

Another friend quietly confided that she had taken a second job off-the-books (in addition to her regular off-the-books job) in order to buy all the plasticware for her kids’ smachot.

We asked the women if, in light of recent events, they were now supportive of the current government. “I’m happy that they repealed the plastics tax.” noted Rivky. “But I’m sure I’ll always find another reason to hate the government.”

Secret Tel Aviv

Secret Tel Aviv builds Geniza for its Old Weird-Ass Posts

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/30/2023 at 7:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Trumpeldor Cemetery: Guess What? “Secret Tel Aviv” just built a Geniza! That’s right, the venerable Tel Aviv online institution has created a dignified burial/storage spot for all the fantastically bizarre posts that once peppered the site back in the era of 2014-2020 when it was specifically populated by goofy Anglo Olim with LOTS of issues and was way more bizarre and fun than it is today. You see, Secret Tel Aviv was new Olim’s first encounter with Israel. It was at this site that we learned about the woman who tried to pimp out her cat (really), Secret Tel Aviv’s affiliate with a sperm bank (really), also the German ballet instructor and his Israeli husband who used Secret Tel Aviv to try to get their legally blind, prudish, anti-social dog laid (really). So we are talking about a lot of classic content. The Daily Freier caught up with Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark as he supervised the construction of the Geniza in Tel Aviv’s Trumpeldor Cemetery.

Jonny led us to the Geniza, which is a shack near the northwest corner of Trumpeldor Cemetery (Just go in the front, take your first left, pass Arik Einstein, and take a right when you see Bernard Lewis. Pass Max Nordau and walk another 50 meters.) Johnny was sitting with several members of the Tel Aviv Rabbanut as an intern carefully folded a 2015 post from a guy who was looking for a Rave party that offered babysitting. “There is so much history that will simply disappear if we don’t do something.” explained Mr. Stark as he glanced at several random complaints about the French from the Summer of 2016. As Jonny spoke, the Daily Freier noticed a pile of papers crumpled up in a dusty corner. “What’s that?” we inquired. Mister Stark stared thoughtfully for a moment and replied. “Those are posts  from every Oleh in 2015 who asked about the best place for Israeli Breakfast and/or when the buses start running after Shabbat.“

The Daily Freier then asked one of the Rabbis (named Yossi) about the Rabbanut’s role in this important archival endeavor. Rabbi Yossi explained. “Some people think that Tel Aviv is just a hive of hedonistic idiots. Last month I met a guy who wouldn’t eat at Bodega because he didn’t like the Tel Aviv Rabbanut Hechsher (Editor’s Note: This Really Really Happened. Also, Bodega is Awesome.). Did he picture us sitting around waxing our surfboards, cutting the sleeves off our t-shirts, charging our electric bikes, and lying to Taglit girls about our Army service? …. So Yeah, setting up this Geniza just seemed like a good way to put some of the weird stuff behind us and move on.”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we told Jonny that it’s not too late to turn back time and return Secret Tel Aviv to its former glory of women looking for the owner of the men’s boxer shorts in their laundry basket at the laundromat, rather than silly pursuits like helping people find careers.

Dating and Relationships, Jerusalem

Couple who met on Yitzhak Navon Escalators are still on Escalators, just broke off Engagement.
“Stop Escalating!”

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 9/8/2022 at 5:30 PM

Jerusalem: The Jerusalem Anglo Scene is in turmoil with news today that one of this Summer’s Fun Couples is On The Outs. Shayna and Zachary, who met in late July on the escalators in the Jerusalem Yitzhak Navon Train Station, are in fact still on the escalators…. and just broke off their engagement.  You see, the kinda new High Speed Train from Tel Aviv is kinda fast, but it drops you off about 11,000 meters below the city (Don’t question our Numbers. This is Science.) So unless you want to risk getting hip-checked while you jockey for a precious spot on the elevator, you’re going to be on the Escalator for a LONG TIME. Which is great if you want to “meet cute” like Shayna and Zachary, but after a while it just gets old. The Daily Freier was on the scene to find out just where It All Went Wrong.

”I just need to think about my future.” confided Shayna. “Yesterday I asked Zachary where this all is even going. You know what he said? ‘To the top.’…. This is exhausting.”

“What’s he even doing with his life?” Shayna continued as we stepped onto the next escalator. “I mean, he’s always just sort of ‘around’. Does he even WORK?” Shayna sighed with exasperation. “Just what Jerusalem needs… another guy without a real job.”

“Look at him. He’s mentally checked out.” Shayna noted as Zachary fiddled with his phone. “What could he possibly be doing that’s so important?” At that moment, Zachary turned around with an announcement. “Wow, today’s Wordle is Impossible!”

As Shayna rummaged through her purse for some gum, we had a chance to talk to Zachary, who had misgivings of his own. “Ever since we met it just feels like I can’t even control my next step.” he complained as we continued upward. Zachary then fearfully looked in all directions from the escalator. “I feel trapped.”

As The Daily Freier ended the interview, Zachary and Shayna seemed to have reconciled while sharing a laugh about a weird/funny Jerusalem restaurant review by Shimshon Leshinksy.

 

 

 

 

Aliyah, Start Up Nation

Israel admits that “Va’ad Bayit” is just a Prank Tax on Olim
Cleaned as recently as 1986!

(Based on a True Story! We changed the name of the Olim! And the dog!)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/3/2022 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv: The nation was rocked yesterday by shocking news that threatens the Zionist ethos of Aliyah to its very core. Responding to an angry email from Liami published reports, Israel’s Misrad Klita (Ministry of Absorption) admitted that the “Va’ad Bayit” does not actually exist. That’s right, the additional maintenance fees that Olim have dutifully paid each month to their Building’s “Superintendent” was just a giant prank/scam that Israelis have been playing on Olim since the 1970’s. The Daily Freier set out to get to the bottom of this disturbing story.

The Daily Freier met with recent British Oleh David S., the heroic Whistleblower who first uncovered this deception. “A woman in my Building yelled at me about all of the hair that my dog Fred was leaving in the stairwell.” David explained. “I told her that I pay 100 Shekels monthly Va’ad Bayit to my Landlord and that it’s not my problem. She stared at me for ten seconds and then told me that there is no Va’ad Bayit in the Building.” (Real World Editor’s Note: This. Really. Happened.)

In our Quest for the Truth, the Daily Freier then met with American Oleh Danny C. “Each month I get a note on my door explaining who owes Va’ad Bayit, what the money goes toward, and when the next Building meeting will take place. So on the day of the Building Meeting, I knocked on my neighbor’s door and asked where everyone else was. He looked at me like I was on drugs. I told him that according to the memo, this was where the Building Meeting was taking place. He told me that they don’t actually have meetings.” Danny stared into space for a minute and then continued. “I heard that he got in a lot of trouble for telling me the truth.” (Real World Editor’s Note: This. Also. Really. Happened.)

Finally, the Daily Freier spoke with one of the many perpetrators of the scam, Tel Aviv resident Irit M. “Every year we take the Va’ad Bayit money and have a party in HaYarkon Park with balloons and a Bouncy Castle for the kids.” Irit explained. “We wait for a day that none of the Olim in our building will be around. Sometimes we contact Misrad Klita and ask them to call the Olim in for fake ridiculous appointments about their education benefits or something.“

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we asked Irit just how this scheme was able to go on for so long. “Because you Olim are SO Gullible!” Irit chuckled.  “I bet you still think that the Hebrew language has vowels!”

Binyamin Netanyahu, Israeli Politics

Daily Freier retracts Satire about Bibi using NASA Images to troll Lapid & Gantz after Bibi uses NASA Images to troll Lapid & Gantz

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/23/2022 at 09:30 PM

Tel Aviv: The world of Anglo-infused Israeli satire is in shambles today after Authorities ordered The Daily Freier to retract a recent story or face stiff financial penalties. Earlier this week the Daily Freier published a humorous story in which Abu Yair Former Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu trolled his political opponents by invoking photos of Outer Space taken by The USA’s National Aeronautics and Space Administration. It was a story in which Bibi compared Pluto’s planet/non-planet status to the Blue and White Party’s shaky power-sharing agreement between Benny Gantz and Yair Lapid. A simple, cute story with a funny punchline involving Naftali Bennet’s kippah.

Little did we know that Mr. Netanyahu would in fact temporarily become a “Twitter Reply Guy”, taking a seemingly innocent NASA tweet about Jupiter as an opportunity to mock Gantz and Lapid. With our satirical story no longer clearly satirical, officials from Israel’s Bureau of Journalistic Standards arrived this morning at the Daily Freier’s office in Dizengoff Center with a Court Order.

“This is a disaster.” lamented Daily Freier writer Aaron Pomerantz. “Something like this has never happened to us. I mean, not since 2016.“

Reactions to Netanyahu’s Tweet in the community were immediate. “This is unprecedented!” noted Tel Aviv web developer Doron R. “Bibi’s Trolling is such absolute Bullshit…it’s…. it’s Majestic!”

“This is next-level trolling.” remarked Ramat Gan pensioner Danny T. “Possibly better than Trump’s recent endorsement of AOC.”

In order to avoid this sort of thing happening in the future, the Daily Freier vowed to henceforth only write clearly fake news, such as stories about a German guy and his Israeli husband going on Secret Tel Aviv to get their prudish, legally blind, anti-social dog laid.

Elections 2022, Israeli Politics

Crisis: 35% of Israelis have never formed a Political Party with Ayelet Shaked

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/6/2022 at 09:50 AM

Jerusalem:  Late Thursday afternoon, Israel’s Knesset TV station released shocking news. According to published reports and confirmed sources, as many as 35% of Israeli citizens have never been in some sort of political coalition with MK Ayelet Shaked. The Daily Freier set out to discuss this breaking development with real people from across Israeli society, so this isn’t going to be like the times we just interviewed our Juice Guy or our Vaad Bayit.

Yet before this story goes any further, we must stress that we are huge fans of Ms. Shaked. This is because she consistently provides the Daily Freier with amazing fresh material. For example:

1) In order to mock the Israeli Left, she once made a fake commercial for a perfume called “Fascism”. Really.

2) Before the 2019 elections, she made an 80’s-style conceptual music video that can only be described as the weirdest thing that we have ever seen in Israel… and we hang out at the Kerem House. It was a breakup song. Except it’s about the IDF and the Supreme Court. And the Supreme Court is a lawyer with more than a passing resemblance to Ms. Shaked. And the Army is a dude in uniform with a Tel Aviv beard.  (Bonus Points: Naftali Bennett performed a spoken-word rap on the video. We wish we were lying to you.)

3)  She helped us create one of our favorite memes.

So once again, the Daily Freier set out to speak to Real Israelis about their feelings about Ayelet Shaked not yet joining them in a Coalition.

“Hmmm.… are you sure I have never been in a Coalition with Ayelet?” inquired Rehovot resident Dorit S. as she walked through her Shufersal looking for Watermelon and Arak. “I’m quite sure that I met her at my cousin’s Tzimmer up North last summer and signed some papers. Wait, that was my building’s Pinui Binui papers. Never mind.“

The Daily Freier then spoke with Danny C. as he waited for his order of chicken and fries at the Ashdod KFC. “I don’t know why Ms. Shaked has not reached out. I spoke with my friend Yair from Miluim. He says she offered him one of the less important Ministry positions if he signed on with her.“

Finally, we spoke to Stav as she purchased her train tickets at the Hadera station. “I joined her Coalition last year, but we got in an argument over Monetary Policy and I quit. At least that’s how I remember the story. We were at MidBurn.“

The Daily Freier hereby announces that it will enter a Coalition with Ms. Shaked in exchange for a free parking spot in that Municipal Lot near HaBima, some Tubi, and tickets to Lola Marsh.

Start Up Nation

Ben Gurion Airport has “No Idea” where Biden’s Luggage is located

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/13/2022 at 10:50 PM

Ben Gurion Airport: President Biden’s historic Middle East visit is in crisis this evening upon the news that nobody at the airport has a clue where his luggage is currently located. Even before Corona, Ben Gurion was never really known for “Customer Service” per se. It’s not really our thing here in Israel, and we like to think that it’s actually part of our charm! But with Corona rules quickly fading away, Ben Gurion Airport slowly realized that the employees it placed on unpaid leave aren’t coming back. So, nothing’s getting done and you’re never getting your bags. Like Ever. Even if you’re the President of the United States. The Daily Freier wandered around Terminal One as dozens of White House Aides frantically searched for the President’s baggage.

As news of Joe’s missing bags slowly sunk in, a phalanx of extremely excited young men and women wearing khakis and dockers quickly fanned out in a frantic scavenger hunt. First, they ran into Moti from Ground Handling. “How should I know?” asked Moti as he chewed on sunflower seeds in the break room. “Bags are Bags. Maybe you should come back tomorrow when Gila returns from the Kinneret. She’s pretty smart about these things.“

Undaunted by their lack of success with Moti, the White House team moved on to Baggage Claim, only to run into a family of distraught Canadian tourists walking through a veritable graveyard of unclaimed bags. The White House aides asked our Canadian friends if they had seen a set of pristine blue gym bags with the words “POTUS” and “Joe from Scranton” written in white cursive letters on the side. The Canadians, being Canadians, apologized profusely that they had not in fact seen the Presidents bags before returning to their desperate attempt to find their property before Airport employees looted the bags then destroyed them in a crusher. (Ha Ha! Just kidding! That would NEVER happen! Wait…. It just happened. Oops. Our bad.)

With night quickly approaching, the Presidential team spotted several cleaning personnel smoking cigarettes outside of Terminal One. Had they seen the bags? “Are you from America?” asked Nadav. “Next month I want to go to Miami and Las Vegas and New York. I’m going to rent a car. So where are the good outlet malls?” The President’s advance team informed Nadav that they were quite busy right now and did not have time to discuss the finer points of American Road Trips, but Nadav was undeterred. “Where does The Rock live?“

Jerusalem, Judaism

Vegan Jewish extremists caught sacrificing Tofurky on Temple Mount
Still not the weirdest Ba’al Teshuva that you’ve ever met from the Gush!

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/7/2022 at 1:50 PM

Jerusalem, Har HaBayit: A potential International Incident was narrowly averted today, thanks to the quick reaction of Israeli Law Enforcement. This morning a group of Vegan Extremists infiltrated the Temple Mount during the allotted Jewish visitation hours. While guards were distracted by somebody possibly reciting the Shema, the Vegan Extremists attempted to sacrifice a Tofurky, thus fulfilling Biblical Prophecy. At the last minute, a policewoman intervened and managed to wrestle the lead Vegan to the ground because she wasn’t Vegan. The Police held a hasty news conference outside the Dung Gate.

The Daily Freier questioned the police spokesperson as to how they were able to so quickly identify the suspects and close in for the arrest: How did they figure out which Jews on the Temple Mount were Vegans?

“They walked across the entire plaza in order to inform us that they’re Vegans.” the spokesperson replied. “Then they sent us multiple texts announcing that they’re Vegans. They’re currently in our Holding Cells, and to be honest, they still haven’t stopped telling their fellow prisoners that they’re Vegans.”

The Daily Freier then traveled to the Confinement Facility in order to get the Vegans’ perspective on this potentially catastrophic incident. A man introduced himself as Nahum, but said we could also call him Starseed. “This was an act of Solidarity with the animals. I hope that our action strikes a blow against the Meat Industry.” Nahum/Starseed then lowered his voice and looked around the room. “I was also hoping that this incident would catch the attention of Outspoken Tel Aviv Vegan/Daily Freier contributor Roxy Cruz so she would maybe go out on a date with me.”

The Daily Freier challenged Nahum/Starseed that his Group’s actions were counterproductive and could have triggered an International Incident but he was adamant. “Whatever. I guarantee you that I’m still not the weirdest Ba’al Teshuva that you’ve ever met from the Gush.”

As the story went to print, the activists were placed on conditional release in order to allow them to arrive on time for their 3 day retreat in the Arava, doing yoga and channeling their feminine energy at the price of 2400 NIS per person.