By Yekutiel Bornstein & Mark Levy
Last Updated 3/10/2018 at 6:30 PM
Ramat Giv’at Ze’ev: The highly anticipated planned Jerusalem suburb of Giv’at Ze’ev is being specifically built to meet the preening sense of entitlement very high standards of Israel’s Anglo Community, specifically those from North America. The development will have such Anglo-friendly amenities as large master bedrooms, closets (Note to our native Israeli readers: a closet is like a very small room where you can store things!), private parking, dishwashers, big kitchens, and a country club. Yet that’s not all. In order to truly capture the flavor of the typical North American Jewish community, the development will have two Shuls: one Shul that you go to and one Shul that you wouldn’t enter if they were giving out free salmon by the pound. The Daily Freier spoke with lead architect Danny C. to get all the details.
“We know how important it is for Canadian and American Jews to have a Shul that they can’t stand, so we proactively opened a synagogue here last month so that we could have it break apart into two rival Shuls just in time for the first homeowners to move in.” Danny continued. “Even though our Housing Development is still under construction, we moved in a Rabbi and his family, along with a Synagogue Board of Directors. That way, the Board will be able to not renew the Rabbi’s contract next month, and the Rabbi can then form a breakaway Shul just three blocks away and really get a nice bitter communal split going before the first family even moves in!”
Danny also explained that the new development makes it possible for homeowners to customize the synagogue they refuse to step foot in. Homeowners will get to choose 3 of the following options, with additional options available at NIS 10,000 apiece:
- The shul is too big. It’s like you’re in a mall or something.
- The shul is tiny. It feels like you’re praying in a closet.
- The building feels dated, like something from the 1970’s.
- The building looks like a spaceship. It doesn’t even look like a Shul.
- The Rabbi hardly speaks.
- The Rabbi won’t stop talking.
- The Rabbi is a right-wing fascist.
- The Rabbi is a left-wing idiot.
- The cantor is quiet as a mouse.
- The cantor is a giant showboat.
- The women’s section is a bunch of gossips.
- The women’s section feels like a morgue.
- The mincha takes forever.
- What is this a race? The mincha was over in 5 minutes.
- My ex in-laws go there.
- The kiddush doesn’t have enough food.
- Did you see the portions at the kiddush?
- Can you believe they called that a kiddush?
- Don’t get me started on the kiddush.
While prices for the development’s homes vary based on size and location, Danny assured us that your friends will say that you paid way too much.
Ramallah- Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas “condemned in the strongest terms” Israel’s “disproportionate and indiscriminate” response to tomorrow’s completely spontaneous riots. Tomorrow’s riots will be a grass-roots, spur of the moment populist reaction to President Donald Trump’s decision to move the United States Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, and will begin approximately 15 minutes after mid-morning prayers. Abbas described Israel’s “Barbaric” attack on tomorrow’s peaceful protesters at a news conference this evening.
(We’re published on Israellycool today. Go check it out!)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 12/1/2017 at 9:50 AM
Los Angeles: In a serious loss for the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement, famed rocker Ozzy Osbourne lost consciousness halfway through a phone call from an angry Roger Waters. The Prince of Darkness has a July 2018 concert planned for Tel Aviv, and noted singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters was none too happy. As fellow veterans of the late 60’s scene, Roger felt a need to reach out to Ozzy and dissuade him from playing in Israel, and thus called the Blizzard of Ozz himself. Unfortunately, about 7 minutes into Roger’s rant, Ozzy was no longer responding to stimuli on our current plane of existence and entered a deep sleep. But with his eyes still open. Mr. Osbourne explained the situation to the Daily Freier from his Los Angeles home.
“Roger rang me up all hot and bothered and I had Zero Idea what the F— he was F—– talking about. After a few minutes it felt as if Sharon was yelling at me again. Something about my concert in Tel Aviv next year I reckon. And then I blacked out, and woke up an hour later on the couch with the f—– dog f—- licking my face. But Israel sounds great. By the way, just asking…. but are bats kosher?”
For his part, Roger Waters insisted that the conversation was going well until it began to cut out for poor sound quality “because I must have been passing through a tunnel at the time.”
Mr. Osbourne, who insists that he’s “Quit the Drinking and Quit the Drugging“, says he looks forward to his visit to Israel next year, and really wants to learn more about the Kapparot Ritual.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/6/2017 at 9:00 PM
Tel Aviv: In a historical first, the Mossad has revealed that two women were recently appointed division chiefs. And the ladies now in charge over at the mythical Intelligence agency wasted no time getting things done, with one of them, named “S”, taking out a terrorist over that thing he did 19 years ago that she never really forgot about. The Daily Freier met up with Ms. “S” at a non-descript North Tel Aviv cafe to get all the facts on how she helped set up [REDACTED] on a “Speed Date” with 72 young ladies somewhere on another Plane of Existence.
“So yeah, back in 1998 I was deep undercover somewhere in Southern Europe and [REDACTED] really made me upset.” The Daily Freier asked “S” if she remembered anything from that fateful day.
“Not really. I mean, I was wearing linen pants from Italy, a white top, and flats. I was feeling blah. My regular hairdresser was on holiday and his replacement totally messed up so I had to wear a hat for a week while it grew in. I had a chicken salad and a Diet Coke. The restaurant was playing smooth jazz.”
The Daily Freier asked Ms. “S” what exactly the terrorist did.
“Well [REDACTED] did [REDACTED] and said [REDACTED]. Then he asked me if something was wrong and I said “Nothing”. Then he asked me if I was OK, and I told him “everything is fine”. Yada Yada Yada, 19 years later, he sleeps with the fishes.”
The Daily Freier asked Ms. “S” if she could share any details from the operation that ended the life of [REDACTED].
“So right before I took him out, he turned and asked me why I was doing this. And I was like ‘Really?’ You don’t remember what you did wrong??? You know EXACTLY why I’m doing this.”
As the interview ended and we got up to leave, the Daily Freier forgot to hold the door for Ms. S and she almost fell over. When we asked her if she was OK, she shot us ‘that look’, said “everything is fine” and then quickly wrote something down in her notebook.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 9/6/2017 at 1:30 PM
Tel Aviv Dog Beach: Amid ongoing investigations for, as far as we can tell, illegally forcing their household help to hide cigars and 30 Agurot deposit bottles inside of furniture while riding on a submarine, reliable sources now declare that the only member of the Netanyahu family not under police investigation is their dog: serial biter/stealth pooper Kaiya Netanyahu. And with the rest of the family in a bit of “deep dog doo doo” Kaiya finds herself the only Netanyahu who has not been interviewed under caution by the police. We had a chance to speak with Kaiya after she finished swimming at the Tel Aviv Dog Beach.
“I just really feel that our family is under attack from the media.” explained Kaiya as she dried off in the sun. “Like what happened to Yair and I last month when that crazy woman followed us and took our picture. It’s just not fair.”
The Daily Freier then asked. “So you’re saying that you and Yair did not in fact leave your poop on a sidewalk unattended?”
“What are you doing for the Holidays?” replied Kaiya. “Are you going anyplace nice?”
The Daily Freier asked Kaiya if she has ever seen the family take bribes or illegally accept gifts. “Never! I hate the smell of cigars! And submarines make me claustrophobic!”
As Kaiya got up to leave for an appointment at an upscale Tel Aviv dog washery, she admonished. “Don’t believe everything you read in the newspapers! Except the Daily Freier!”
UPDATE: Amid ongoing fallout from Yair and Kaiya’s “Poop-Gate” incident last month, police have asked Kaiya for a “sample” to see if there is a DNA match with the “evidence” left behind at the scene. She has now retained legal counsel and is referring all questions to her attorney.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 8/26/2017 at 6:10 PM
Tel Aviv, Ibn Gavriol: Startup Nation does it again! A new company has done the impossible: designing, testing, and marketing a bicycle designed especially for the Tel Aviv market. Specifically, they built a bike that’s “too shitty to steal”. You see, here in Tel Aviv you can keep your bike outside for as long as 20 minutes and still have a good chance of seeing it again when you come back. Not surprisingly, the new bike, named the Bal-a-Gan, is flying off the shelves. The Daily Freier stopped by to talk to the development team and some of their happy customers to find out more about the buzz.
When we arrived, none other than the Daily Freier’s very own Mark Levy greeted us. “This is my seventh start-up so far in Israel, so I’m kind of hoping this one works out. But some of my previous start-ups really paved the way for the Bal-a-Gan, especially the App that allowed you to plan the time and location when your bike gets stolen.“ Mark then went on to explain the unique marketing factors that made the Bal-a-Gan possible. “I guess the biggest factor that created a niche for us is that the police seem to devote just as much resources to combating bike theft as they do for investigating the Binary Options Industry. So we really lucked out.”
The Daily Freier then had the chance to speak to a new owner of a Bal-a-Gan. “OMG this bike SUCKS! This is just the best!” exclaimed happy owner Sarah D. Confident that she now owned a bike too crappy to steal, Sarah rode it to the Central Bus Station, left it unattended, and went inside. A man quickly approached the bicycle with bolt cutters, looked at it for a moment, and turned away.”This bike is an insult to my craft.” he noted disgustedly. Then he went back and removed the seat “just on principle.”