Tag: Roxy Cruz

Vegan Jewish extremists caught sacrificing Tofurky on Temple Mount

Still not the weirdest Ba’al Teshuva that you’ve ever met from the Gush!

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/7/2022 at 1:50 PM

Jerusalem, Har HaBayit: A potential International Incident was narrowly averted today, thanks to the quick reaction of Israeli Law Enforcement. This morning a group of Vegan Extremists infiltrated the Temple Mount during the allotted Jewish visitation hours. While guards were distracted by somebody possibly reciting the Shema, the Vegan Extremists attempted to sacrifice a Tofurky, thus fulfilling Biblical Prophecy. At the last minute, a policewoman intervened and managed to wrestle the lead Vegan to the ground because she wasn’t Vegan. The Police held a hasty news conference outside the Dung Gate.

The Daily Freier questioned the police spokesperson as to how they were able to so quickly identify the suspects and close in for the arrest: How did they figure out which Jews on the Temple Mount were Vegans?

They walked across the entire plaza in order to inform us that they’re Vegans.” the spokesperson replied. “Then they sent us multiple texts announcing that they’re Vegans. They’re currently in our Holding Cells, and to be honest, they still haven’t stopped telling their fellow prisoners that they’re Vegans.”

The Daily Freier then traveled to the Confinement Facility in order to get the Vegans’ perspective on this potentially catastrophic incident. A man introduced himself as Nahum, but said we could also call him Starseed. “This was an act of Solidarity with the animals. I hope that our action strikes a blow against the Meat Industry.” Nahum/Starseed then lowered his voice and looked around the room. “I was also hoping that this incident would catch the attention of Outspoken Tel Aviv Vegan/Daily Freier contributor Roxy Cruz so she would maybe go out on a date with me.

The Daily Freier challenged Nahum/Starseed that his Group’s actions were counterproductive and could have triggered an International Incident but he was adamant. “Whatever. I guarantee you that I’m still not the weirdest Ba’al Teshuva that you’ve ever met from the Gush.”

As the story went to print, the activists were placed on conditional release in order to allow them to arrive on time for their 3 day retreat in the Arava, doing yoga and channeling their feminine energy at the price of 2400 NIS per person.

 

Israeli Barbie: Meirav Covid Edition

By Roxy Cruz

Last Updated 5/12/2020 at 9:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Remember February? Those were innocent times, weren’t they? It was in February that Roxy first introduced us to her “Israeli Barbie” line of action figures, including the polyamorous Thrupple of European Spouse Barbie, Yuval Melech HaShuk, and Sigalit Barbie. Well, now that the Corona Virus has completely messed up our lives, it’s time to introduce the latest addition to our line of Israeli Barbies: Meirav Covid Edition!


Meirav: 48 years old, no children. Works as a healer, speaker, life coach, and activist. She makes a total of 850 shekels per month, so her 83 year old mother helps her with another 9K. Lives in Sheinkin alone and shares a dog with her ex, Dudi, a fun-oriented Eyal Golan look-alike who now lives with Alina, a 22 year old former model whom he met in Ukraine and who holds the record for longest legs in Europe. Alina calls Dudi “Poshcosko” in a baby voice, and Meirav refers to her as “that ugly shiksa“.

Meirav keeps calling the ex to organize weekends and talk about the dog like it’s a child they adopted together. She keeps finding psychological problems with the dog, when the truth is that the dog is only depressed about living with her owners and not having sex at the park on Fridays, and then put to sleep afterwards because her life is that miserable.

As a life coach who does not have her own act together, her hobby is spying on Dudi’s girlfriend and also making sure none of the neighbors are having any fun anywhere within a kilometer radius. This involves calling the police a lot. Has 2 friends and they both live in Haifa, and one of them is avoiding her phone calls because she only talks about Dudi and her friend thinks she should let it go after 6 years already.

Meirav was secretly happy about the lockdown because for the first time in a long while everybody has nowhere to go and no friends to talk to, and no dates.  She takes pictures of people that she saw outside and posts them online to bash them within her community of online fellow Meiravs. Now that the lockdown has been eased, she’s bored and has no place to go.

Hopes the “ugly shiksa” gets Corona.

Dating tips with Roxy: Coronavirus Edition!

In 2016, the Daily Freier was contacted by a mystery woman named Roxy. She had great ideas for a dating/advice website. Alas, we lost touch with the Brazilian Carrie Bradshaw of Tel Aviv, until we actually met her at a bar in 2019. Yada Yada Yada, Roxy introduced us to a very…..Tel Avivian line of Barbie Dolls living in sin together somewhere in the Kerem. Now Roxy is back answering the question on everyone’s minds: How can I get my freak on during a Plague Outbreak? So without further ado, here’s her advice!

*Enjoy! This might be our final Season!

** NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!!


For the Boys: If there was a time in the history of humanity when being a toy boy or a fuck boy was useless, that time is now.  There was one reason why any woman tolerated your general bad personality: dick. So here is some general advice: pretend to be an okay human being during this difficult time for humanity and convince a female to carry your possible descendants when this crisis is over. The only chance you have to establish a connection and then have some possible future sexual opportunity with a consenting female is to talk to her, even if this is truly painful for you. So chat with the girls. Try to avoid questions like where is she now, cause…. duh. Also, avoid asking her for selfies cause, dude, we all look like fucking alpacas right now. We can’t go to the hairdresser, the nail salon, nothing. So just visit her Instagram and see pictures for your ummm, pleasure. If you FaceTime her, try to keep the camera away from your eyes so she won’t see your pupils opening wide and realize you’re a psychopath.

For the Girls: Until we find a way to detach our pussies and send them to the boys via ‘Wolt’, men feel under no obligation to chat with us, see us, or establish any sort of social dance we need to provide them with 3 sexual opportunities before they prefer the free-spirited, lice-infested teenager he met at the kombucha bar. So if there is a gentleman talking to you during this time, move him immediately to the top of your list and have this in mind if you both survive the current crisis: In case you FaceTime him, make sure you don’t mention your middle name is Ashley and none of the details on why your broke up with Satan, a.k.a. your ex, so he won’t know that you’re batshit craaaaazyyy.

Have y’all a great coronacation. Bless your lungs. Wash your hands.


Got dating questions for Roxy? Just “Ask Roxy” at daily.freier@gmail.com

Introducing: The Israeli Barbie Collection!

By Roxy Cruz

Last Updated 2/19/2020 at 7:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Who amongst us did not LOVE LOVE LOVE to play with Barbies when we were young? But for those of us living in Israel, the concept of a doll with a nice house, a car, and a real job just seemed…. unrealistic. Which is why we are really really excited to introduce this new line of Israeli Barbie dolls crreated by Tel Aviv’s very own Roxy Cruz!

Also, Israeli Spouse Barbie may or may not be based on Roxy’s life story.


Israeli Spouse Barbie: Left her well-paying job as a senior executive in Denmark to live with Yuval, a struggling poet and musician, in Shuk haCarmel. Comes with a free headset and a working contract in  Customer Service.

 

 

 

 


Yuval Melech HaShuk: Israeli Spouse Barbie’s partner. Comes with scratch-n-sniff “Festival in the Negev & Cannabis” scent.

Yuval’s bullshit Army stories that he tells Taglit Barbie sold separately.

Rumor has it that the Israeli Government exports its hottest/laziest men to Northern Europe in order to bring back experienced Customer Support Technicians in the form of their new girlfriends.

 

 


Barbie Sigalit: An Israeli bartender and aspiring actress who lives and has sex once in a while with 3 roommates. Has a recreational drug issue to treat her daddy issues, plus her issues because she wants to be Yemenite but is actually Ashkenazi. Barbie Sigalit has a dog that she refuses to look after, but she also wants to have a baby soon.

 

 

 


So if you CALL NOW and order Israeli Spouse Barbie & Ken Yuval Melech HáShuk, you also receive free of charge and unsolicited, Barbie Sigalit….since Ken Yuval convinced Barbie Israeli Spouse to try polyamory so he can keep Barbie Sigalit, too.

Also, you get the free darbuka from their living room that nobody in the house knows how to play.