To Focus World Attention, Mosul’s Besieged Christians Hire Israel to Bomb Their Buildings

mosul_fleeing

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/25/2014 at 6:30 PM

Mosul- The 2,000 year old Christian Community in this Iraqi city, on the verge of extinction at the hands of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), came up with an innovative way to focus world attention to their plight: Get Israel to bomb them. Ibrahim, a Christian resident who asked to be identified only by his first name, explained “I called my cousin in Detroit who knows some Jews in Chicago, who knew some Israeli’s in New York, and, yada yada yada, Israel bombed our buildings! We’re saved! Oh, and they phoned us ahead of time, so we all went to a restaurant and watched from there.”

Daily Freier staff accompanied Ibrahim when he pleaded his case to the United Nations, and recorded the following interaction with UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, Navi Pillay

Ibrahim: Madam Commissioner, our ancient community of Christians is under assault at the hands of ISIS. Our choices are to convert, flee, or die.

Commissioner Pillay- (Looking up from a Sudoku puzzle) That’s very interesting. We’ll send someone to look into that after the Summer Recess….

Ibrahim: Oh, and the Jews bombed our buildings last night…..

Commissioner Pillay: (Jumping from her seat) Wait, WHAT? I am calling the Human Rights Council to action IMMEDIATELY!

Ibrahim: (Aside to the camera) “Mission Accomplished”

Ibrahim went on to explain just how successful the gambit proved. “The UN just named July ‘The Month in Solidarity with the Christians of Mosul’! Noam Chomsky just mentioned us in his blog! Gideon Levy’s travel agent just called and asked about flights. A bunch of grad students from the Monterey Institute just showed up wearing keffiyehs, yoga pants, and American Apparel T-Shirts to teach our kids ‘Sustainable Crafts’ and ‘Post-Modern Ethical Dance Therapy’, whatever the hell that is.”

When asked about potential negative repercussions of their involvement, IDF Spokesman Shuki Cohen reacted in a tone of mock-fear “What, will mobs in Europe start chanting “Death to the Jews”? Will the UN open another investigation on us? Will this lead to another “crisis of the heart” think-piece by Peter Beinert? Wait, come to think of it, that last scenario does sound kinda bad………” Cohen continued, “Anyways, our pilots could use the route familiarization

Fresh off the success of his diplomatic coup, Ibrahim was last seen handing out copies of Israel’s business card to the Copts, the Yazidis, the Marsh Arabs, the Bahais, The Christians of Pakistan, the Berbers, the Mandeans, the Kurds, and a bunch of other oppressed ethnic and religious minorities within the Middle East who you never hear from because the Jews had nothing to do with it.

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