Tag: The UN

The United Nations

UNESCO not convinced that Adam Sandler is really Jewish

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(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/31/2016 at 8:40 AM

Paris: The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) is holding an emergency meeting tomorrow to get down to the bare facts on a question that has confused them for some time: whether famous actor Adam Sandler is really Jewish. While Mr. Sandler has made a name for himself with works to include the Chanukah Song, 8 Crazy Nights, and Don’t Mess with the Zohan, this level of proof simply leaves more questions than answers for the fun folks over at UNESCO. The Daily Freier spoke with UNESCO spokesperson Francesca S. about this fascinating development.

“We just really don’t know whether or not ‘Mr. Sandler’ is actually ‘Jewish’ [when saying these words, she really did make quote-marks in the air with her fingers] so as an organization we are required to do the proper research. Just last week, we learned from President Abbas that Jesus was actually Palestinian.”

When the Daily Freier asked UNESCO if there were any other fairly big problems in the world right now that didn’t involve Israelis or J-E-W-S, she paused, looked at us the same way our teacher did when we used to eat paste, and continued her monologue.

“We’ve been so busy deciding that the Western Wall [she did the air quotes thing again] is actually part of the Al-Aqsa Mosque, that we haven’t really had time to catch up with all of our other tasks.”

For its part, Israel reacted with scorn to UNESCO’s move, but in the spirit of compromise, offered to declare Max Blumenthal and  Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square as Palestinian.

The status of Mr Sandler’s Judaism is due to be voted on early this week by the 21-members of UNESCO’s World Heritage Committee, at which point they will also decide the Jewish status of Jackie Mason, the movie Yentl, North Miami Beach, and Seth Rogen’s hair.

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The Daily Freier en Español, The United Nations

Grave escándalo en la ONU al conocerse que un profesor de la UNRWA (la agencia de la ONU para los palestinos) no tiene fotos de Hitler en su página de Facebook

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Khan Yunis, Gaza:  La Agencia de las Naciones Unidas para los Refugiados de Palestina en Oriente Próximo (UNRWA) está hoy en crisis después de que unos informes recién publicados revelaran que uno de los suyos mantiene una página en Facebook absolutamente libre de fotos admirativas de Hitler, de judíos siendo perseguidos o de judíos religiosos siendo atropellados por un coche o acuchillados.

Fares A., un profesor de matemáticas en la Escuela Primaria Sayyid Qutb de Khan Yunis, mantiene un perfil en Facebook que única y estrictamente contiene fotos de su familia, de sí mismo frente a algún Ferrari o una foto publicada por algún dulce corazón femenino de la escuela (a quien su mujer no puede soportar) de ambos juntos en la década de 1990, e imágenes de lo que parece ser una celebración de una barbacoa al aire libre con un sabroso cordero.

Los compañeros de Hassan en la escuela de primaria Sayyid Qutb estaban en un estado de shock. “Tu piensas que conoces a alguien, y luego, bang, resulta ser otra persona“, declaró el descorazonado profesor de historia Hassan M. “Quiero subrayar que él ha estado en mi casa, hablamos de fútbol… Supongo que la próxima seré más cuidadoso con mis amistades“.

La profesora de geografía Layla R. estaba igualmente molesta. “Este hombre ha empañado la dignidad de Gaza. Esto es aún peor que cuando el Mossad secuestró a nuestro gatito“.

El portavoz de la UNRWA, Chris Gunness, compareció apresuradamente en una rueda de prensa preparada para hacer frente al creciente escándalo. “Tomamos esta acusación muy en serio y vamos a investigarla tan pronto como sea posible, sobre todo después de terminar la investigación sobre las finanzas de un blog que nos critica“.

Cuando este artículo entró en prensa, surgieron informes de que Fares A., el profesor acusado, publicó a la desesperada en su Facebook sus últimas calificaciones en el juego conocido como “Naqbaville“, en un intento de salvar el honor de su familia.

The United Nations

Scandal Rocks United Nations Over Revelation That UNRWA Teacher Has No Pictures of Hitler on His Facebook Page

Schickelgruber UNRWA

(Photo Credit: The Googles)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 10/9/2015 at 12:30 PM

Khan Yunis, Gaza: The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Middle East  (UNRWA) is in turmoil today after published reports revealed that one of their own maintains a Facebook page with absolutely no pictures of Hitler, Jews being hunted down, nor of religious Jews being run over with a car.  Fares A., a mathematics teacher at Sayyid Qutb Elementary School in Khan Yunis, maintains a Facebook profile containing strictly pictures of his family,  pictures of himself in front of somebody else’s Ferrari, a picture posted by his high school sweetheart (whom his wife can’t stand) of the two of them together in the early 1990’s, and pictures of what appears to be an outdoor barbecue event with particularly tasty lamb.

Fares’s fellow teachers at Sayyid Qutb Elementary were in a state of shock today.  “You think you know a guy, and then, bang, this happens.” stated a disheartened History Teacher Hassan M. ” I mean, he’s been to my house, we talk football…..I guess next time I will be more careful with my friendships.” Geography teacher Layla R. was equally upset. “This man has tarnished the dignity of Gaza.  This is even worse than when the Mossad kidnapped our Bumblebee.”

UNRWA’s spokesman Chris Gunness appeared at a hastily prepared press conference to address the growing scandal. “We take this accusation very seriously and we will investigate it as soon as we finish investigating the finances of a blog that criticizes us.“

As this article went to press, reports emerged that Fares was desperately posting his latest scores for the game Naqbaville on his Facebook page in an attempt to salvage his family’s honor.

Tel Aviv Living

Daily Freier’s Alert Readers Solve the Mystery of the Giant Balloon That Floats Over Ramat Aviv

ramat-aviv-balloon-daily-freierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/15/2015 at 9 AM

Ramat Aviv, Rakevet Ha Universita: After last week’s request for help identifying the mysterious balloon in the sky above Ramat Aviv, the Daily Freier’s alert readers swung into action, revealing a dogged search for the truth, and for some, a clear need to get back on their prescribed medication.  Here is what our alert readers had to say:

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“It’s where Buji hides his charisma.” – Ron, policeman

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“It’s where the city keeps all the polite, good looking straight guys who will call you back” – Cathrine, web designer

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“Where’s Ramat Aviv????” – Shuki, playwright

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“I’ve been dating a Sabra girl for 2 years and I just told her over dinner that I want to break up with her…..so……Can I hide in the balloon for a few weeks? – Binyamin, Lone Soldier

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“Actually the Palestinians say it was originally theirs.” – Shoshanna, Optometrist

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“I’m sick of Tel Aviv. Will it take me to Berlin?” – Ashleigh Shapiro, actress

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“I don’t know, but the U.N. is about to pass a resolution against it”. – Adi, entrepreneur

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“Space Aliens…..except they’re also Jewish”. – Dana, stockbroker

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“Hot Cable’s Walk-In Customer Service” –Yonatan, Independent Contractor

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“It’s where Netanyahu has been hiding his good ideas all this time”. – Yuda, musician

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“Kanye is going to parachute from the balloon onto stage next month. ” – Yossi, teacher

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“Remember that nice inexpensive 3-room apartment near Hayarkon Park without a realtor fee that you saw advertised on Secret Tel Aviv?….. It’s up there.” – Howard, stock algorithm designer

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“Probably some Birthright shit.” – Reuven, mechanic

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Chris Gunness, The United Nations

UNRWA’s Chris Gunness Offered Lucrative Job as Pro Wrestling Referee

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By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/3/2015 at 4:00 PM

Boston: Based on the keen situational awareness and managerial oversight that he has exhibited at the United Nations Relief and Works Agency (UNRWA), World Wrestling Entertainment, Incorporated has extended an offer of employment as a referee to Mr. Christopher Gunness.  Mr. Gunness, who has lately been busy investigating where his critics get their money from, was unavailable for comment, but World Wrestling  Entertainment (WWE) spokesperson Robert C. spoke with the Daily Freier earlier today. “A lack of situational awareness and organizational leadership like Mr. Gunness provides day in and day out…….that doesn’t come around evey day.  If WWE wants to continue to build its brand, it needs to jump on talent like this.” When the Daily Freier asked the WWE if there was one event that convinced the organization to extend an offer to Mr. Gunness, Robert noted “When Chris was presented with evidence from UN-WATCH of UNRWA employees calling for the death of Jews on Facebook, and countered with a call to investigate UN-WATCH.……he just exhibited exactly what we look for in a good referee: focus on ‘the Big Picture’…….Either that or he’s full of crap and simply hates Israel.  Hard to tell.”

Full Disclosure: The Daily Freier still thinks it is in talks with Mr. Gunness in regard to the Freier’s goal to become the Official Satirist for Hamas

ISIS

To Focus World Attention, Mosul’s Besieged Christians Hire Israel to Bomb Their Buildings

mosul_fleeingBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/25/2014 at 6:30 PM

Mosul- The 2,000 year old Christian Community in this Iraqi city, on the verge of extinction at the hands of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), came up with an innovative way to focus world attention to their plight: Get Israel to bomb them. Ibrahim, a Christian resident who asked to be identified only by his first name, explained “I called my cousin in Detroit who knows some Jews in Chicago, who knew some Israeli’s in New York, and, yada yada yada, Israel bombed our buildings! We’re saved! Oh, and they phoned us ahead of time, so we all went to a restaurant and watched from there.”

Daily Freier staff accompanied Ibrahim when he pleaded his case to the United Nations, and recorded the following interaction with UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, Navi Pillay

Ibrahim: Madam Commissioner, our ancient community of Christians is under assault at the hands of ISIS. Our choices are to convert, flee, or die.

Commissioner Pillay- (Looking up from a Sudoku puzzle) That’s very interesting. We’ll send someone to look into that after the Summer Recess….

Ibrahim: Oh, and the Jews bombed our buildings last night…..

Commissioner Pillay: (Jumping from her seat) Wait, WHAT? I am calling the Human Rights Council to action IMMEDIATELY!

Ibrahim: (Aside to the camera) “Mission Accomplished”

Ibrahim went on to explain just how successful the gambit proved. “The UN just named July ‘The Month in Solidarity with the Christians of Mosul’! Noam Chomsky just mentioned us in his blog! Gideon Levy’s travel agent just called and asked about flights. A bunch of grad students from the Monterey Institute just showed up wearing keffiyehs, yoga pants, and American Apparel T-Shirts to teach our kids ‘Sustainable Crafts’ and ‘Post-Modern Ethical Dance Therapy’, whatever the hell that is.”

When asked about potential negative repercussions of their involvement, IDF Spokesman Shuki Cohen reacted in a tone of mock-fear “What, will mobs in Europe start chanting “Death to the Jews”? Will the UN open another investigation on us? Will this lead to another “crisis of the heart” think-piece by Peter Beinert? Wait, come to think of it, that last scenario does sound kinda bad………” Cohen continued, “Anyways, our pilots could use the route familiarization”

Fresh off the success of his diplomatic coup, Ibrahim was last seen handing out copies of Israel’s business card to the Copts, the Yazidis, the Marsh Arabs, the Bahais, The Christians of Pakistan, the Berbers, the Mandeans, the Kurds, and a bunch of other oppressed ethnic and religious minorities within the Middle East who you never hear from because the Jews had nothing to do with it.