Tag: Gideon Levy

Haaretz, Judaism

Haaretz discovers new Gods that it can disappoint

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/12/2021 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv (Surprise!): Summer might be over, but for Haaretz it’s still apparently Four-Twenty. That’s right, the uniquely ridiculous Lefty News Institution on the other side of town has apparently dipped into the edibles again, because they just discovered some new Gods that they will no doubt soon disappoint with their self-absorbed goofy schtick. You see, our friends at Haaretz are like a gift. A gift that once allowed us to write a story about a performance artist at a Haaretz cultural symposium who threw oranges at the audience and stuck a flag in his tuchus (This. Really. Happened.). So growing into a disappointment to other deities besides the Yud Hey Vav Hey isn’t really a stretch. The Daily Freier launched an intensive flurry of investigative journalism, tracking down several of these deities on their alternative planes of existence.

“I just feel that Gideon Levy’s writing is getting so…. derivative.” complained Thoth the Egyptian deity of Wisdom and Science as he languished on the shores of the Nile. “And don’t get me started on Amira Hass. She just seems nuts…..Can I say that? Is that offensive?  My kid just came back from Oberlin and said that I’m ‘part of the problem’. I’m honestly having a hard time keeping track of the new rules.“

The Daily Freier then spoke with Ishtar, the Akkadian Goddess of Love and Beauty. “I like going out with my girlfriends on Fridays to check out a new cafe or maybe a gallery opening, so I still get the weekend paper delivered to my flat in Neve Tzedek. But their online English edition just seems insane.” Ishtar took a sip of her Tubi and stared into the distance. “So what’s Bradley Burston upset about this week?“

In order to ensure impartiality, the Daily Freier spoke with HaShem, who was dwelling just outside of Tzfat in a reality beyond human concepts of Time and Space. “I know that Schocken has been trying to bait me for years, so right now I’m giving him the silent treatment.” mused the Tetragrammaton as (your favorite pronoun) absentmindedly created a new marsupial. “For years I’ve been complaining about Haaretz to Thor, Quetzalcoatl, and Vishnu at our Sunday poker games…. now maybe they will see what I’ve been dealing with.”

As the Daily Freier was about to end our Zoom call with the Lord of Hosts, we could have sworn that we overheard The Creator offering to trade Haaretz to the Gentiles for Dolly Parton and Chinese food.

Haaretz

Man trapped in Tel Aviv elevator with nothing to read but Haaretz

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/4/2018 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Police are racing against time in an attempt to rescue a man trapped in a Central Tel Aviv elevator with nothing to read but today’s edition of Haaretz. The newspaper, known for its Left-Wing stance, as well as for hosting cultural conferences where performance artists throw oranges at the audience and stick flags in their butt (What? You think we just made that up? Oh Ye of Little Faith), is considered somewhat of an acquired taste. Authorities soon learned that the building’s thick concrete walls blocked cellular data coverage thus forcing the man to pass the time by reading Haaretz instead of checking his phone.  Upon learning this, they rushed a team of police, firefighters, and paramedics to rescue the man, identified as recent American immigrant Zachary F, before it’s too late. The Daily Freier wandered over to the unfolding scene to get all of the facts.

“Time is precious.” explained the on-scene Commander, a Police Lieutenant named Moti. “We’re afraid that once he reads today’s Amira Hass article, he may lose his will to live. Just like that poor chimp at Tel Aviv University.”

Moti continued to monitor the situation via closed-circuit television before suddenly barking orders to a group of firefighters. “Hurry up with the ladder! He’s getting to the part where Peter Beinart implies that he may want to break up with Israel because Bibi won the last election!”

While the building’s thick concrete walls forced Zachary to read Haaretz in the first place, Moti explained that they also may have prevented further tragedy. “Baruch HaShem, those concrete walls means he doesn’t have access to Amos Schocken’s Twitter feed.”

UPDATE: As the article went to print, paramedics were struggling to insert a breathing tube into the elevator shaft, as Gideon Levy’s latest Editorial on Gaza threatened to suck all the oxygen out of the confined space.

Times of Israel arrested for stealing Haaretz’s Identity
Haaretz, Tikkun Olam, Times of Israel

Times of Israel arrested for stealing Haaretz’s Identity

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/5/2017 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem: The nation’s journalistic community is in shock today after police launched an early morning raid on the Times of Israel’s Headquarters and arrested key personnel. A Jerusalem Magistrate issued a warrant early this morning for the arrest of the Times of Israel on the charges of stealing the identity of Haaretz. As the nation’s venerable Lefty newspaper, Haaretz is widely read outside of Israel by the Jewish State’s many critics while being read by as many as three dozen people who actually live here. But anyhoo, the Times of Israel, which started out a few years ago after telling the Jerusalem Post that it was time that they started seeing other people, used to be kind of normal. Reflecting an Anglo readership that was socially liberal but kinda to the Right on Security issues. Then things got a bit weird. Both with their coverage of Israel and abroad. Especially the States. It kinda felt like we were trapped in our childhood Reform Temple’s Wednesday Night Confirmation Class. Like forever…. And they kept ranting about Trump. A lot (And trust us, we know that there is a lot about Trump that you can make fun of.)…. But then they started stalking Haaretz. And sifting through Haaretz’s trash. And changing their hairstyle and their clothes to match Haaretz. And copying their voice intonation. Like that film in the 90’s with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh or something.

Yet despite the Times’ recent leftward funk, today’s events came as quite a shock, especially to the folks who got arrested. As police escorted the handcuffed journalists out of the Times of Israel building, one unidentified female in her early 30’s screamed “My flask! My flask! Hey be careful you idiots! That’s Laphroaig dammit!”

After the journalists were led away, the police held an impromptu Press Conference which was attended by the victims of this Identity Theft. Amira Hass got up to speak first. “Today I stand in solidarity with the Palestinians. For today I too had my identity taken away from me. Today was my Naqba.” Then it was Gideon Levy’s turn, and he described further details of the alleged theft. “I know that the Times of Israel broke in and stole my ideas. I mean, My Dream Journal is missing. Also my windchime. But they’re going down. My cat saw everything.”

After the Victims’ Testimony, the police played a grainy surveillance video of two editors meeting in the Times of Israel Break Room.

———–

Unidentified Female (North American accent): You know what Israel needs?

Unidentified Male, (British accent): I give up. What?

Unidentified female: ANOTHER Lefty newspaper in English!

Unidentified Male: OMG Absolutely! Say… are you going to pass that joint or what?

————

Meanwhile, the not-at-all-Loony-Left Tel Aviv-based Blog “+972 “  complained that nobody has tried to steal their identity yet.

With the Times of Israel appearing to have imitated multiple facets of the Haaretz style, Tel Aviv residents want to know when the Times will also hold a cultural conference where a performance artist sticks a flag in his butt and pelts the audience with oranges. (And Yes. This really happened.)

(DISCLAIMER: The Freier still wants to blog for the Times from time to time. I mean, If that’s cool. No harm no foul? Call us maybe?)

Arts & Literature, Haaretz

Artist With Flag In His Butt at Haaretz Event Shocks People Who’ve Never Read Haaretz

699700259(EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS REALLY HAPPENED!)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/7/2016 at 4:50 PM

Tel Aviv (Surprise!): The scandalous performance at yesterday’s Haaretz Culture Conference during which an artist placed the flag in his tuchus while pelting attendees with orange rinds, shocked and offended those members of the audience and the public who had never, like, actually “read” Haaretz.  The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to console the traumatized, somehow find a way to work through the horror, and to monetize this story.

“I….I don’t know what to say” said a shell-shocked Adi F., who admitted that she had never read a column by Gideon Levy. “I wonder if Maccabi will cover therapy sessions. I really want to un-see this.”

Other audience members were visibly angry. “This is an outrage! A shonda to the Goyim! How could he do this?” demanded Michael H., before letting slip that his exposure to Haaretz is limited to peaking at the Weekend Edition left on his Vad Bayit’s doorstep.

Interestingly, audience members who were accustomed to Haaretz were visibly less upset. “Still not as offensive as an Amira Hass article!” chuckled alert local Ronit S. as she sipped a cappuccino in the lobby.

After security escorted the artist from the stage and removed the flag from his posterior, a subsequent body cavity search further revealed 3 Shekels, 40 Agurot, some cheap sunglasses, and a Rav Kav.

Atarim Square, Tel Aviv Living

Tel Aviv Residents Nominate Atarim Square as a Palestinian Heritage Site

Club

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/24/2015 at 8:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: A grassroots community effort is about to pay off, with 10,000 signatures gathered to date in an effort to name the Atarim Plaza as a Palestinian Heritage Site under the auspices of the United Nations Education, Scientific, Cultural Organization (UNESCO).  Alert local Ronit S. explained her team’s efforts to date. “After the Palestinians tried and failed to name the Western Wall as theirs at UNESCO, we felt we needed to throw them a bone. Plus it’s like totally gross. So we canvassed the neighborhood around the Harbor and the beaches.  Everyone seemed really enthusiastic, almost as if they wanted to just give the place away….. Except the kids who were skateboarding in the plaza…..And the guy we met who built his own shack in the basement of the old parking garage….Oh and  the guys we saw walking out of the Pussycat Lounge. They seemed to like things just the way they are.  I even saw my boyfriend walking out of the Lounge, but he said he was only there because he had to pee.” 

Reaction across the Israeli political spectrum was mixed. Noted Haaretz columnist Gideon Levy was apprehensive. “I like the “Idea” of a Palestinian self-governing area, but you know, someplace else.  Like in places I don’t want to go.  You know, anywhere east of the Ayalon Highway.  But this…. it is AWFULLY close to some of my favorite breakfast places.  I just don’t know.  It’s all so CLOSE.”

MK Aryeh Deri (Shas) appeared to have reservations as well, but indicated that his fears would be allayed if somebody gave him some money. MK Oren Hazan (Likud) also raised concerns. “If Atarim Square becomes Palestinian, does this mean people won’t be able to visit the Pussycat Lounge? .…Asking for a friend.”

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ISIS

To Focus World Attention, Mosul’s Besieged Christians Hire Israel to Bomb Their Buildings

mosul_fleeingBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/25/2014 at 6:30 PM

Mosul- The 2,000 year old Christian Community in this Iraqi city, on the verge of extinction at the hands of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), came up with an innovative way to focus world attention to their plight: Get Israel to bomb them. Ibrahim, a Christian resident who asked to be identified only by his first name, explained “I called my cousin in Detroit who knows some Jews in Chicago, who knew some Israeli’s in New York, and, yada yada yada, Israel bombed our buildings! We’re saved! Oh, and they phoned us ahead of time, so we all went to a restaurant and watched from there.”

Daily Freier staff accompanied Ibrahim when he pleaded his case to the United Nations, and recorded the following interaction with UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, Navi Pillay

Ibrahim: Madam Commissioner, our ancient community of Christians is under assault at the hands of ISIS. Our choices are to convert, flee, or die.

Commissioner Pillay- (Looking up from a Sudoku puzzle) That’s very interesting. We’ll send someone to look into that after the Summer Recess….

Ibrahim: Oh, and the Jews bombed our buildings last night…..

Commissioner Pillay: (Jumping from her seat) Wait, WHAT? I am calling the Human Rights Council to action IMMEDIATELY!

Ibrahim: (Aside to the camera) “Mission Accomplished”

Ibrahim went on to explain just how successful the gambit proved. “The UN just named July ‘The Month in Solidarity with the Christians of Mosul’! Noam Chomsky just mentioned us in his blog! Gideon Levy’s travel agent just called and asked about flights. A bunch of grad students from the Monterey Institute just showed up wearing keffiyehs, yoga pants, and American Apparel T-Shirts to teach our kids ‘Sustainable Crafts’ and ‘Post-Modern Ethical Dance Therapy’, whatever the hell that is.”

When asked about potential negative repercussions of their involvement, IDF Spokesman Shuki Cohen reacted in a tone of mock-fear “What, will mobs in Europe start chanting “Death to the Jews”? Will the UN open another investigation on us? Will this lead to another “crisis of the heart” think-piece by Peter Beinert? Wait, come to think of it, that last scenario does sound kinda bad………” Cohen continued, “Anyways, our pilots could use the route familiarization”

Fresh off the success of his diplomatic coup, Ibrahim was last seen handing out copies of Israel’s business card to the Copts, the Yazidis, the Marsh Arabs, the Bahais, The Christians of Pakistan, the Berbers, the Mandeans, the Kurds, and a bunch of other oppressed ethnic and religious minorities within the Middle East who you never hear from because the Jews had nothing to do with it.