By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 12/15/2015 at 1:20 PM
Washington: The National Institute of Health (NIH) issued a groundbreaking and controversial report today, providing clinical proof that prolonged and extended usage of keffiyehs by college-age white people can lead them to become just total insufferable pricks. Sabrina H., a spokesperson for the NIH outlined the findings in a contentious press conference at the Institute’s Washington Headquarters.
“The study we place before you today is the result of 8 years of prolonged research on multiple college campuses across the Western World.” Sabrina explained the linkage further, as she directed the audience’s attention to a Powerpoint Graph on a large screen. “What we are seeing is the progression of a typical subject sample named ‘Blake’. Here we see Blake as he began Undergrad Studies at the University of Oregon in Eugene….. So he’s showing a baseline of moderate dickish tendencies. He is speaking incessantly of his ‘Gap Year’ experience teaching English abroad. But notice what happens when he begins incorporating the keffiyeh into his wardrobe halfway through First Semester Sophomore Year.” Sabrina then gestured to a profound spike in the Graph’s Y-Axis of Prickdom. “Now this keffiyeh is serving as what the NIH describes as a ‘gateway’ accessory. This keffiyeh opens him up to telling you at length about his change over to veganism. He’s starting to read Mondoweiss, and not for the laughs. He is now mere months away from interning on a documentary that includes the words ‘Olive Tree’, ‘Voices’, and ‘Nablus’. He may even start growing bad dreads.”
At this point in the presentation, several (keffiyeh clad!) members of George Washington University BDS staged a mock “Die-In”, disrupting the rest of the event and kinda proving our point.