Brighton: A crisis was narrowly averted today by quick-thinking security personnel at Britain’s annual Labour Conference. A man carrying the Union Jack attempted to gain access to the Conference this morning but was stopped before he reached the auditorium. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all of the facts.
“I knew something was amiss when the individual did not quickly provide a list of preferred pronouns.” explained a Momentum activist named Stephanie at the Credentialing Booth. “Then I noticed that he had a bizarre handkerchief in his pocket with red and white crosses on a blue background. He said it was a keffiyeh, but he wasn’t fooling anyone. I remembered seeing that thing on a Spice Girls album a long time ago. That’s when I called the Police.”
As the man was led away in handcuffs, frightened attendees shared their feelings with the Daily Freier. “This is absolutely terrifying.” stated a volunteer wearing a “Free Gaza” smock. “Yet the fear I felt is the same that the people of Jenin have felt since 1967. Today’s events have placed me in greater in Solidarity with Palestine. Yalla.”
With the attempted incursion safely under control, Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn held an impromptu Press Conference to allay fears and restore calm. “Today’s events were an attempt by Boris Johnson’s thugs to destroy our Solidarity. We will not be defeated by Hate, because we are For the Many, Not the J….. Not the J….”
At that moment Corbyn’s Spokesperson grabbed the microphone. “Not the Few.”
Washington: The National Institute of Health (NIH) issued a groundbreaking and controversial report today, providing clinical proof that prolonged and extended usage of keffiyehs by college-age white people can lead them to become just total insufferable pricks. Sabrina H., a spokesperson for the NIH outlined the findings in a contentious press conference at the Institute’s Washington Headquarters.
“The study we place before you today is the result of 8 years of prolonged research on multiple college campuses across the Western World.” Sabrina explained the linkage further, as she directed the audience’s attention to a Powerpoint Graph on a large screen. “What we are seeing is the progression of a typical subject sample named ‘Blake’. Here we see Blake as he began Undergrad Studies at the University of Oregon in Eugene….. So he’s showing a baseline of moderate dickish tendencies. He is speaking incessantly of his ‘Gap Year’ experience teaching English abroad. But notice what happens when he begins incorporating the keffiyeh into his wardrobe halfway through First Semester Sophomore Year.” Sabrina then gestured to a profound spike in the Graph’s Y-Axis of Prickdom. “Now this keffiyeh is serving as what the NIH describes as a ‘gateway’ accessory. This keffiyeh opens him up to telling you at length about his change over to veganism. He’s starting to read Mondoweiss, and not for the laughs. He is now mere months away from interning on a documentary that includes the words ‘Olive Tree’, ‘Voices’, and ‘Nablus’. He may even start growing bad dreads.”
At this point in the presentation, several (keffiyeh clad!) members of George Washington University BDS staged a mock “Die-In”, disrupting the rest of the event and kinda proving our point.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.