Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: Planet Breathes Easier as Santa Signs Global Warming Pact

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By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 12/23/2015 at 6:20 AM

Paris: Jingle bells chimed loudly at the Paris Energy Summit this week after Santa Claus agreed to reduce his carbon footprint by slashing his sleigh’s extraordinary use of fossil fuels and fit it with lunar panels. The agreement also sees a reprieve for the Amazon Rainforest as Santa banned receiving letters from children, preferring emails at poorsuckers@smail.com.

Father Christmas is one of the primary causes the world is burning up fast and is responsible for a range of natural disasters and parental poverty. Experts claim he burns 300 trillion tonnes of fuel every year as he whizzes around 180+ countries in little more than six hours on a 1970s hostess trolley. The deal, which could offset all damage done by industrial nations by as soon as Christmas 2020, caused Leonardo Dicaprio and Al Gore to wet themselves.

St. Nick’s chief reindeer Rudolph told CNN: “Basically, we have all been badgering him that we have had a good run, really. It’s Jesus’s day anyway but we’ve been doing this for years now and me and the boys are tired. The elves have got arthritis from packing so fast and it’s hard to breathe in the fumes. How do you think I got this shiny red nose? It’s blood poisoning, not Comic Relief. Prancer is riddled.

While the health implications for his staff are one factor, there is evidence that the Clauses, worth an estimated $56 trillion, have been under pressure to change their extravagant ways for some time. Iceland’s volcanic eruptions are believed to have been triggered by Santa’s luxurious private jet as he returned from the wholesalers. Sixteen elves had to be hospitalized at Lapland General after toxic paint was thrown over them by campaigners furious at deforestation and the use of expensive paper to wrap Christmas selection packs and socks from Walmart.

Santa has cut out 23 countries from his world tour, agreed to the no-fly zone over much of the Middle East and also refused to go down any chimneys, choosing only to drop gifts into the green and blue recycling bins. The decline in presents will see 45 elves and four reindeer lose their jobs. Some will be taken on as extras and donkeys in the annual Nativity play.

In the U.S., where frantic parents were desperately building solar panels and wind turbines out of Lego in back gardens, Donald Trump hailed the new entrepreneurial spirit of the American people. The presidential hopeful caused a Twitter storm when he unveiled plans to increase reindeer hunting licenses and revoke any tourist visas for the Claus family if they ever set foot on U.S. soil. “Santa no longer shares our cultural values and I will not allow his environmental extremism to hurt our quality of life.” he vowed. “Well, no more than Shell, BP and Haliburton anyway.

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