Tag: Climate Change

Polar Bear Arrives in Haifa, Claims Asylum

 Guest Writer Wednesday June 21, 2016 Polar Bear Arrives in Haifa, Claims Asylum Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/22/2016 at 7:00 AM

Haifa: Israel and the European Union agreed to discuss immigration issues after a Polar Bear from the Arctic Circle pleaded for asylum in Northern Israel yesterday. Traditionally found in the North Pole, the 34-year-old Polar Bear known as Frosty  washed up bedraggled, lost, and hungry on the shores of Haifa, so at first everyone thought he had just returned from Mid-Burn.   Upon realizing he was actually a Polar Bear, startled locals ran along the ridge of Mount Carmel with zoom lenses and iPhones, snapping a relaxed Frosty as he splashed around doing the backstroke. When he complained of cramps, he was hauled onto a fishing boat and taken to the Ramat Gan Safari. Experts from Tel Aviv agreed it was the most interesting news they’ve heard from Haifa in years, but not quite interesting enough to actually go up there and spend the day or anything.

Dismissing the appearance as a publicity stunt for the new Ice Age movie in which he has a small role, Frosty said: “It was not deliberate really, I wanted to stay in the North but then this oil company started fracking off the coast of Greenland and the next thing I know, my ice cap had broken off, Marjorie next door was coughing soot and I am drifting eastwards. I don’t want to stay. I can’t get into any Ulpan courses, and I can’t afford anything bigger than 20 square meters.

Frosty, who used to star in TV commercials for icy breath mints before landing a cameo role in Madagascar, is the most well-known of polar bears to seek asylum. A spokesperson for the Israeli government said: “While we wish Frosty no harm, the climate here is not suitable for such a lazy enormous creature, even a major icon of his stature. But we understand that the South Pole can accommodate him.”

Percy ‘the Emperor’ Penguin, the South Pole’s more liberal Prime Minister added: “We are making arrangements to bring Frosty here and are making an exception in this case but we cannot have an open door policy to such violent predators, who show up with no papers. While polar bears contribute a lot to our society, doing the jobs we don’t want to do, like sleeping and posing for WWF posters, they could technically be terrorists. We already have melting glaciers, a rise in igloo prices and pressure on our one main hospital – St Pingu. We have to be careful. We see what is happening in the UK and we don’t want to have a referendum on a ‘Sexit.’ Although it does sound rather wonderful….

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Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: Planet Breathes Easier as Santa Signs Global Warming Pact

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By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 12/23/2015 at 6:20 AM

Paris: Jingle bells chimed loudly at the Paris Energy Summit this week after Santa Claus agreed to reduce his carbon footprint by slashing his sleigh’s extraordinary use of fossil fuels and fit it with lunar panels. The agreement also sees a reprieve for the Amazon Rainforest as Santa banned receiving letters from children, preferring emails at poorsuckers@smail.com.

Father Christmas is one of the primary causes the world is burning up fast and is responsible for a range of natural disasters and parental poverty. Experts claim he burns 300 trillion tonnes of fuel every year as he whizzes around 180+ countries in little more than six hours on a 1970s hostess trolley. The deal, which could offset all damage done by industrial nations by as soon as Christmas 2020, caused Leonardo Dicaprio and Al Gore to wet themselves.

St. Nick’s chief reindeer Rudolph told CNN: “Basically, we have all been badgering him that we have had a good run, really. It’s Jesus’s day anyway but we’ve been doing this for years now and me and the boys are tired. The elves have got arthritis from packing so fast and it’s hard to breathe in the fumes. How do you think I got this shiny red nose? It’s blood poisoning, not Comic Relief. Prancer is riddled.

While the health implications for his staff are one factor, there is evidence that the Clauses, worth an estimated $56 trillion, have been under pressure to change their extravagant ways for some time. Iceland’s volcanic eruptions are believed to have been triggered by Santa’s luxurious private jet as he returned from the wholesalers. Sixteen elves had to be hospitalized at Lapland General after toxic paint was thrown over them by campaigners furious at deforestation and the use of expensive paper to wrap Christmas selection packs and socks from Walmart.

Santa has cut out 23 countries from his world tour, agreed to the no-fly zone over much of the Middle East and also refused to go down any chimneys, choosing only to drop gifts into the green and blue recycling bins. The decline in presents will see 45 elves and four reindeer lose their jobs. Some will be taken on as extras and donkeys in the annual Nativity play.

In the U.S., where frantic parents were desperately building solar panels and wind turbines out of Lego in back gardens, Donald Trump hailed the new entrepreneurial spirit of the American people. The presidential hopeful caused a Twitter storm when he unveiled plans to increase reindeer hunting licenses and revoke any tourist visas for the Claus family if they ever set foot on U.S. soil. “Santa no longer shares our cultural values and I will not allow his environmental extremism to hurt our quality of life.” he vowed. “Well, no more than Shell, BP and Haliburton anyway.