Polar Bear Arrives in Haifa, Claims Asylum

 Guest Writer Wednesday June 21, 2016 Polar Bear Arrives in Haifa, Claims Asylum Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/22/2016 at 7:00 AM

Haifa: Israel and the European Union agreed to discuss immigration issues after a Polar Bear from the Arctic Circle pleaded for asylum in Northern Israel yesterday. Traditionally found in the North Pole, the 34-year-old Polar Bear known as Frosty  washed up bedraggled, lost, and hungry on the shores of Haifa, so at first everyone thought he had just returned from Mid-Burn.   Upon realizing he was actually a Polar Bear, startled locals ran along the ridge of Mount Carmel with zoom lenses and iPhones, snapping a relaxed Frosty as he splashed around doing the backstroke. When he complained of cramps, he was hauled onto a fishing boat and taken to the Ramat Gan Safari. Experts from Tel Aviv agreed it was the most interesting news they’ve heard from Haifa in years, but not quite interesting enough to actually go up there and spend the day or anything.

Dismissing the appearance as a publicity stunt for the new Ice Age movie in which he has a small role, Frosty said: “It was not deliberate really, I wanted to stay in the North but then this oil company started fracking off the coast of Greenland and the next thing I know, my ice cap had broken off, Marjorie next door was coughing soot and I am drifting eastwards. I don’t want to stay. I can’t get into any Ulpan courses, and I can’t afford anything bigger than 20 square meters.

Frosty, who used to star in TV commercials for icy breath mints before landing a cameo role in Madagascar, is the most well-known of polar bears to seek asylum. A spokesperson for the Israeli government said: “While we wish Frosty no harm, the climate here is not suitable for such a lazy enormous creature, even a major icon of his stature. But we understand that the South Pole can accommodate him.”

Percy ‘the Emperor’ Penguin, the South Pole’s more liberal Prime Minister added: “We are making arrangements to bring Frosty here and are making an exception in this case but we cannot have an open door policy to such violent predators, who show up with no papers. While polar bears contribute a lot to our society, doing the jobs we don’t want to do, like sleeping and posing for WWF posters, they could technically be terrorists. We already have melting glaciers, a rise in igloo prices and pressure on our one main hospital – St Pingu. We have to be careful. We see what is happening in the UK and we don’t want to have a referendum on a ‘Sexit.’ Although it does sound rather wonderful….

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