Apparently we are all back in High School, because this week our Frenemies at the Irish Embassy stayed up until Midnight in order to find our photo in the Yearbook and draw devil horns on our heads and blacken our teeth send a nasty Tweet and then delete it. Yet much like the timeless music of The Corrs, the Internet is Forever and we have screenshots. One would think that Ireland would admire a country that actually managed to completely evict the British, but no. Ireland is upset that Israel is cracking down on all the PFLP-affiliated charities that they fund. They even took the time to complain about that tiny kerfuffle back in 2010 when Israel (Allegedly!) flew to Dubai and knocked off one of their friends in Hamas using tennis rackets, bad wigs, and Irish passports. So this is where our relationship is now.
Yet in the spirit of Goodwill, the Daily Freier set out to get the Irish Government’s side of the story. So we spent the week lurking in their favorite watering holes and BDS Chatrooms in order to get the Top Ten reasons that they angrily drunk tweeted us. Here they are, for your reading pleasure.
1) Gerry Adams keeps tickling us.
2) Daylight Savings Time
3) Was reading “The Merchant of Venice” for the 47th time and dozed off.
4) You always end up hurting the ones you love.
5) You killed Christ.
6) Gal Gadot still won’t return our phone calls.
7) Roger Waters came to us in a dream and instructed us to do this.
8) Yeah, we dream about Roger Waters like twice a week.
10) We’re really busy and don’t want invites to any Chanukah parties.
Yitzhak Rabin: So when the C-130 lands, Team One rushes the terminal and neutralizes the terrorists while Team Two peels off and destroys the Ugandan MiG-21’s. Can your men handle this Yoni?
Yonatan Netanyahu: Yes, Mister Prime Minister.
[A voice calls out from the corner. A man wearing Birkenstocks and a “Breaking the Silence” t-shirt stands up.]
Man: Excuse me, but if I could interject for a moment. Who is going to dialogue with the militants about deradicalization and counteracting the alienation endemic among those dispossessed by post-modernism?
Rabin: Nu? Who the hell are you?
Man: I am outgoing European Union Ambassador to Israel Lars Faaborg-Andersen, and Israel has much to learn from the European Union when it comes to fighting terror. [REAL WORLD NOTE: He actually said this.]
London: The twin shock wins of Brexit and Apprentice host Donald Trump have produced an unexpected surge in violent protests and assaults among nursery rhyme characters.
Lazy chav Humpty Dumpty was arrested in England for racially attacking Polish construction
workers after he fell from a retaining wall, which left him unable to get disability benefits for a fractured fibula. Also arrested was an angry Little Miss Muffet for throwing her old tuffet, the only furniture she had left after IKEA relocated all its branches to Ireland.
Old Macdonald left his barren farm, together with Mary, who had to eat her little lamb or go to a food shelter, and Little Bo Peep, who did lose her entire flock …to a lousy exchange rate, to show moral support for poor Baa Baa Black Sheep. Baa had no wool left after the EU stopped its subsidies, killing off his farm and it also refused to import the three bags full that he had produced because of EU quotas applicable to Brexit Britain.
Meanwhile, Stateside, Jill was left seething after boyfriend Jack, who went to fetch her a pail of water, broke his crown but was left uninsured to see a dentist after Trump threw out Obamacare.
Over at the Spout, Itsy Bitsy Spider failed to climb it when the sun didn’t come out to dry the rain after Donald ripped up America’s pledge to curb greenhouse gases.
And having kissed all the girls and made them cry, Georgie Porgie avoided a harassment lawsuit and was given a cabinet position by Trump, in quite a turnaround for li’l Georgie. When the boys came out to play, Georgie didn’t always run away so he was forced to undergo the ‘conversion’ therapy urged (and experienced) by VP Mike-on-the-down-low Pence.
Haifa: Israel and the European Union agreed to discuss immigration issues after a Polar Bear from the Arctic Circle pleaded for asylum in Northern Israel yesterday. Traditionally found in the North Pole, the 34-year-old Polar Bear known as Frosty washed up bedraggled, lost, and hungry on the shores of Haifa, so at first everyone thought he had just returned from Mid-Burn. Upon realizing he was actually a Polar Bear, startled locals ran along the ridge of Mount Carmel with zoom lenses and iPhones, snapping a relaxed Frosty as he splashed around doing the backstroke. When he complained of cramps, he was hauled onto a fishing boat and taken to the Ramat Gan Safari. Experts from Tel Aviv agreed it was the most interesting news they’ve heard from Haifa in years, but not quite interesting enough to actually go up there and spend the day or anything.
Dismissing the appearance as a publicity stunt for the new Ice Age movie in which he has a small role, Frosty said: “It was not deliberate really, I wanted to stay in the North but then this oil company started fracking off the coast of Greenland and the next thing I know, my ice cap had broken off, Marjorie next door was coughing soot and I am drifting eastwards. I don’t want to stay. I can’t get into any Ulpan courses, and I can’t afford anything bigger than 20 square meters.”
Frosty, who used to star in TV commercials for icy breath mints before landing a cameo role in Madagascar, is the most well-known of polar bears to seek asylum. A spokesperson for the Israeli government said: “While we wish Frosty no harm, the climate here is not suitable for such a lazy enormous creature, even a major icon of his stature. But we understand that the South Pole can accommodate him.”
Percy ‘the Emperor’ Penguin, the South Pole’s more liberal Prime Minister added: “We are making arrangements to bring Frosty here and are making an exception in this case but we cannot have an open door policy to such violent predators, who show up with no papers. While polar bears contribute a lot to our society, doing the jobs we don’t want to do, like sleeping and posing for WWF posters, they could technically be terrorists. We already have melting glaciers, a rise in igloo prices and pressure on our one main hospital – St Pingu. We have to be careful. We see what is happening in the UK and we don’t want to have a referendum on a ‘Sexit.’ Although it does sound rather wonderful….“
The Hague- In a dramatic move at the International Criminal Court (ICC), the State of Israel filed formal charges against Swedish Foreign Minister Margot Wallstrom, citing the “Illegal Occupation” of territory her Stockholm apartment. The Legal NGO Shurat Ha Din filed a “Friend of the Court” brief on behalf of the State of Israel’s charges, outlining the illegal nature of Ms. Wallstrom’s unilateral land grab queue-jumping acquisition of a subsidized apartment from a Swedish Labor Union. Attorney Robert F. outlined the charges. “By illegally acquiring this property and the dispossession of the rightful renters, Ms. Wallstrom committed a clear criminal act under International Law.” When asked by the Daily Freier how he defined International Law, Robert replied, “We are adhering to the common-use ‘Brussels Standard’ for International Law violations, meaning it can be defined as ‘stuff that makes me personally unhappy or uncomfortable’. Ms. Wallstrom’s actions clearly meet or exceed these standards. Oh and we’re pretty sure that she chopped down some olive trees in order to expand her patio last year.”
For her part, Ms. Wallstrom was defiant in declaring her innocence of wrongdoing. “I was treated equally. Just a little more equally than everyone else.” Ms. Wallstrom continued; “These charges are simply not true. I must remind the plaintiff that while European politicians may invoke ‘International Law’, we are by no means bound by it. I mean, really. This is like EU 101.”
In addition, Ms. Wallstrom’s attorney argued that the rush to condemn the apartment purchase in the international arena was circumventing the legal process of Sweden. “This obsession with ‘International Law’ is truly counterproductive. And what is with Israel’s obsession with labels anyway??”
Despite the severity of the accusation, the Israeli public is definitely not united in its support for these charges, with noted Real Estate Law expert Ehud Olmert sharing a dissenting point of view. “So she used her political influence to land an insider real estate deal? I really don’t understand what your point is.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.