Tag: Haifa

Tel Aviv-Jerusalem Fast Train aims to remind the cities why they can’t stand each other in just 30 minutes

Tel Aviv-Jerusalem Bullet Trainc with the Daily FreierBy Mark Levy

Last Updated 1/11/2018 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, HaHagana Station: With the pending (and shockingly somewhat on-time) launch of the Jerusalem to Tel Aviv High Speed Rail line, residents of each city eagerly look forward to the chance to remember all the things about the other city that suck. The Daily Freier wandered the streets of Tel Aviv gathering answers, and then reluctantly took the bus from Savidor Station to do the same in that other city 40 miles to the East that really, really knows how to party.

I don’t quite know what it is about Jerusalem, but it just turns you into a dork.” explained Yafo resident Danny S. “My cousin did Yeshiva there and he actually taught himself to speak poorly accented English. Like he now purposely adds “umms” and “uhs” to his sentences. He literally has a self-imposed speech impediment. And he’s from Miami.

Why do all the girls wear those thick black tights that look like they could stop an AK-47 round?” asked Tamar, a personal trainer from Florentin. “Are they auditioning for the next season of Fauda?

The worst is that Jerusalemites take it personally when we remind them how much their city sucks.” explained the Daily Freier’s very own Aaron Pomerantz. “Last year I somehow talked myself out of a date with a pretty dati girl when I told her that Jerusalem is lame.” [Editor’s Note: This may or may not have actually happened to a Daily Freier writer in real life.]

Not to be outdone, the Daily Freier got some very raw responses from the Jerusalem streets about what they can’t stand about Tel Aviv.

Oh great, now it will only take 30 minutes to be able to walk around an expensive humid slum that smells like dried pee.” explained a Dati Leumi woman named Batsheva or Elisheva or Justsheva. “Also, please tell me about your Start-Up.

Tel Aviv is just a giant weirdo reservation.” noted Hillel K. “It’s like they took the weirdest kid from each of my classes growing up, moved them to Tel Aviv, and let them reproduce. Oh yeah, and now they’re artists.

When the Daily Freier asked Hillel about the cool spots for Jerusalem nightlife, he thought for a moment, scratched his head, and answered. “Well, there’s Machane Yehuda on a Thursday night…. And then there’s the other side of Machane Yehuda….. Wait…..Did I mention Machane Yehuda?

According to the Israeli Ministry of Transportation, in 2019 they will open another High Speed line that will allow you to visit your friend who you thought had died but actually had just moved to Haifa in 2013.

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Polar Bear Arrives in Haifa, Claims Asylum

 Guest Writer Wednesday June 21, 2016 Polar Bear Arrives in Haifa, Claims Asylum Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/22/2016 at 7:00 AM

Haifa: Israel and the European Union agreed to discuss immigration issues after a Polar Bear from the Arctic Circle pleaded for asylum in Northern Israel yesterday. Traditionally found in the North Pole, the 34-year-old Polar Bear known as Frosty  washed up bedraggled, lost, and hungry on the shores of Haifa, so at first everyone thought he had just returned from Mid-Burn.   Upon realizing he was actually a Polar Bear, startled locals ran along the ridge of Mount Carmel with zoom lenses and iPhones, snapping a relaxed Frosty as he splashed around doing the backstroke. When he complained of cramps, he was hauled onto a fishing boat and taken to the Ramat Gan Safari. Experts from Tel Aviv agreed it was the most interesting news they’ve heard from Haifa in years, but not quite interesting enough to actually go up there and spend the day or anything.

Dismissing the appearance as a publicity stunt for the new Ice Age movie in which he has a small role, Frosty said: “It was not deliberate really, I wanted to stay in the North but then this oil company started fracking off the coast of Greenland and the next thing I know, my ice cap had broken off, Marjorie next door was coughing soot and I am drifting eastwards. I don’t want to stay. I can’t get into any Ulpan courses, and I can’t afford anything bigger than 20 square meters.

Frosty, who used to star in TV commercials for icy breath mints before landing a cameo role in Madagascar, is the most well-known of polar bears to seek asylum. A spokesperson for the Israeli government said: “While we wish Frosty no harm, the climate here is not suitable for such a lazy enormous creature, even a major icon of his stature. But we understand that the South Pole can accommodate him.”

Percy ‘the Emperor’ Penguin, the South Pole’s more liberal Prime Minister added: “We are making arrangements to bring Frosty here and are making an exception in this case but we cannot have an open door policy to such violent predators, who show up with no papers. While polar bears contribute a lot to our society, doing the jobs we don’t want to do, like sleeping and posing for WWF posters, they could technically be terrorists. We already have melting glaciers, a rise in igloo prices and pressure on our one main hospital – St Pingu. We have to be careful. We see what is happening in the UK and we don’t want to have a referendum on a ‘Sexit.’ Although it does sound rather wonderful….

Scientists at the Technion Build Turbine to Harness the Sexual Tension Between Netanyahu and Obama

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(Photo Credit: Getty Images)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 11/9/2015 at 3:30 PM

Haifa: Ahead of their high-profile meeting in Washington this week, a team of scientists at Haifa’s prestigious Technion Institute have managed to harness the animosity sexual tension between Binyamin Netanyahu and  Barack Obama to power a small turbine on the Israeli Coast just south of Haifa.  The Daily Freier attended a press conference where the lead scientists explained this fascinating breakthrough.

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(Photo Credit: Getty)

It is actually a rather simple concept” explained Doctoral Student Gideon B. “The intense feelings these men have for one another actually charge the ions in the air around them with opposite yet attracting polarities.  If properly captured, these ions can then generate a very powerful electric current. This current in turn spins turbines allowing us to generate several Megawatts of power, the exact level depending on whether or not Jeffrey Goldberg has published a column that day

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(Photo Credit: Reuters)

At this point, co-moderator Alex G. played a short video demonstrating the concept. “So in the turbine itself, we play a constant newsfeed of the two men interacting in public……OK, so here we have the two leaders awkwardly hugging on a tarmac……..And now we have them publicly contradicting one another at a joint press conference, like a bickering couple……And now we have a picture of them staring into one another’s eyes.  It looks like they can’t stand each other, but it’s really a thin line between love and hate.  You can literally feel the excitement in the air.  I don’t know about you, but the hair on my arms are sticking out right now.”

U.S. President Barack Obama, right, and Benjamin Netanyahu, prime minister of Israel, sit during a meeting at the White House in Washington, D.C., U.S., on, Monday, Sept. 30, 2013. Obama and Netanyahu met today as the contacts between Obama and Irans president test the improved relationship of the U.S. and Israeli leaders. Photographer: Chris Kleponis/Bloomberg via Getty Images
(Photo Credit Chris Kleponis/Bloomberg via Getty Images)

While the commercial and economic feasibility of the generator have yet to be fully determined, Gideon noted that if he could only find a picture of the two leaders in matching denim jackets and cowboy hats, he could power the City of Haifa for months.