Great Trumpian moments in the Bible

Great Trumpian moments in the BibleSCENE: Gaza, 12th Century B.C.E

Samson: Delilah you are an amazing harlot. Just amazing. And I’ve had the best. And believe me, I am VERY rich. Here, have some silver coins.

Delilah: Oh Samson, you are gorgeous AND generous.

Samson: I know.

Delilah (running her hands through Samson’s comb-over): Tell me Samson. Do you have ANY weaknesses?

Samson: Delilah baby, let me tell you. I have the best Intel. Just the best. People come to me all the time with great Intel. Amazing Intel. And my people are telling me things. Great, Great people. They’re telling me I can never cut my hair. My magically yuge hair. Or else I will lose my super powers. Bigly.

Delilah (purring in his ear): Oh Samson. Your secret is safe with me.


SCENE: Jericho in the time of Joshua

Israelite Spy: Rahab the harlot, please help us gain knowledge about our enemies.

Rahab: Sure, no problem. You seem nice enough.

Israelite Spy: Is there someone in this city who is loose with the tongue and tends to overshare?

Rahab (smiling slyly): I know just the guy.

….. Later, in the Shuk…..

Rahab:  Oh Donald Ben Fred! You are looking even better than normal! Have you been working out?

Donald: Guilty as charged baby. What’s shaking?

Rahab: Donald, let me introduce you to my, umm, cousin from out-of-town.

Donald: Hey pal. You wanna see our amazing city defenses? They’re the best. Just the best.

Spy: Donald Ben Fred, thou art wise and generous. But your city must have SOME weakness.

Donald (leans in to whisper): Now that you mention it, the city fears Israel and HaShem. Also, the walls….

Spy (furtively scribbling on papyrus): Go on.


SCENE: Sodom, the time of Abraham

Angel: Lot son of Haran, thank you for sheltering us in your home.

Lot: Mi home es su home.

(A man appears)

Angel: Wait, who is this?

Lot: Oh that is my good friend, HaDonald. He buys and sells clay huts.

Angel: OK, but he’s discreet?

Lot: Bigly.

….Later on the streets of Sodom…..

Unruly Mob: Hey HaDonald, we want to molest some strangers! Do you know where we can find some?

HaDonald: Well you won’t find any strangers at Lot’s home, let me tell you. Believe me, there are not two strangers at Lot’s house.

Unruly Mob: Lot’s house! Let’s roll!

HaDonald: Wait! I said there were no strangers there! You’re making a mistake! a yuge mistake!

 

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