Tag: Samson

Amir Peretz’s mustache joins Kahol Lavan

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/2/2019 at 10:50 PM

Sderot: In a move that is shaking the Israeli political establishment to its core, Amir Peretz’s mustache just joined the Kahol Lavan political party. Longtime Labor politician Amir Peretz shaved his mustache last week, thus ending one of the greatest symbiotic relationships between a mustache and its host body since Hall & Oates. And now his mustache is lashing out at his former partner and joining a rival political party. The Daily Freier rushed to Sderot to talk to Mr. Peretz’s mustache.

The Daily Freier met the mustache in a local eatery, as the mustache ate hummus, being careful not to get any in his mustache. “I never saw this coming.” complained the mustache. “We had so many good years together, and for him to just end things like this….. it feels like a betrayal.

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Peretz’s mustache exactly when he became a self-aware entity. “I’ve always been kind of independent. But it was on the Golan in 2007 when I realized that his eyes and his brain might not be pulling their own weight and that I might need to step in to help. But I always stayed loyal, you know?

The Daily Freier challenged Mr. Peretz’s mustache on his move to Kahol Lavan, noting that it appeared to be nothing more than petty score-settling, and his mustache exploded in anger. “Everything he accomplished was with me!!! Do you think he would have made it without me?! Do you think he would have made it out of this crappy town?!” The mustache looked around sheepishly at his fellow residents of Sderot in the hummus shop. “No offense.

Mr. Peretz’s mustache continued. “Doesn’t he even read the Bible? He’s going to lose all of his strength, like Samson! I’m serious…. I know his new hairdresser made him do this. She hates me.

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Peretz if he had any future plans. “This is all so new. I haven’t been on my own in 30 years. Maybe I can move to Tel Aviv and grow into a hipster beard.

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Mr. Peretz’s mustache told us that if Amir asks about him, it’s not too late for a reconciliation. “He can call me.

 

 

Advertisements

Great Trumpian moments in the Bible

Great Trumpian moments in the BibleSCENE: Gaza, 12th Century B.C.E

Samson: Delilah you are an amazing harlot. Just amazing. And I’ve had the best. And believe me, I am VERY rich. Here, have some silver coins.

Delilah: Oh Samson, you are gorgeous AND generous.

Samson: I know.

Delilah (running her hands through Samson’s comb-over): Tell me Samson. Do you have ANY weaknesses?

Samson: Delilah baby, let me tell you. I have the best Intel. Just the best. People come to me all the time with great Intel. Amazing Intel. And my people are telling me things. Great, Great people. They’re telling me I can never cut my hair. My magically yuge hair. Or else I will lose my super powers. Bigly.

Delilah (purring in his ear): Oh Samson. Your secret is safe with me.


SCENE: Jericho in the time of Joshua

Israelite Spy: Rahab the harlot, please help us gain knowledge about our enemies.

Rahab: Sure, no problem. You seem nice enough.

Israelite Spy: Is there someone in this city who is loose with the tongue and tends to overshare?

Rahab (smiling slyly): I know just the guy.

….. Later, in the Shuk…..

Rahab:  Oh Donald Ben Fred! You are looking even better than normal! Have you been working out?

Donald: Guilty as charged baby. What’s shaking?

Rahab: Donald, let me introduce you to my, umm, cousin from out-of-town.

Donald: Hey pal. You wanna see our amazing city defenses? They’re the best. Just the best.

Spy: Donald Ben Fred, thou art wise and generous. But your city must have SOME weakness.

Donald (leans in to whisper): Now that you mention it, the city fears Israel and HaShem. Also, the walls….

Spy (furtively scribbling on papyrus): Go on.


SCENE: Sodom, the time of Abraham

Angel: Lot son of Haran, thank you for sheltering us in your home.

Lot: Mi home es su home.

(A man appears)

Angel: Wait, who is this?

Lot: Oh that is my good friend, HaDonald. He buys and sells clay huts.

Angel: OK, but he’s discreet?

Lot: Bigly.

….Later on the streets of Sodom…..

Unruly Mob: Hey HaDonald, we want to molest some strangers! Do you know where we can find some?

HaDonald: Well you won’t find any strangers at Lot’s home, let me tell you. Believe me, there are not two strangers at Lot’s house.

Unruly Mob: Lot’s house! Let’s roll!

HaDonald: Wait! I said there were no strangers there! You’re making a mistake! a yuge mistake!