Tag: Torah learning

Judaism

Israeli Torah Scholar: Hell exists in Judaism, “but only if you park on the sidewalk”

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 8/26/2018 at 9:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Yehoshua Bin Nun Street: A prominent local Yeshiva has just come out with a bombshell of a Rabbinic insight: that there is in fact a Hell in Judaism, and if you park on the sidewalk you may well be on your way there yourself. You see, compared to our Christian and Muslim friends, Jews have tended to downplay the whole “Hell” thing because we get all of our suffering out of the way in this world. Yet just last week a Yeshiva located in South Tel Aviv saw a groundbreaking Dvrei Torah on the subject. The Daily Freier spoke to the young scholar, Nachum W., about his insights on this important topic.

“The Torah teaches that HaShem loves all of us”. Nachum explained. “Except whoever parked in front of my building last night so that I had to turn my body sideways just to get to my mailbox. That guy? He’s basically Amalek.”

The Daily Freier challenged Nachum that his drosh seemed overly harsh, but he was adamant. “Whoever does this is committing a Chilul HaShem. Bu they don’t care. It’s almost a contest to them sometimes.” Nachum continued. “It gets worse every day. Honestly, these people act as if they have a Government Permit to behave like this.”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we noticed that we really shouldn’t hurry, because someone had double-parked in front of our car so that he could get some cigarettes from the Makolet and say hi to his friends.

The Donald

Great Trumpian moments in the Bible

Great Trumpian moments in the BibleSCENE: Gaza, 12th Century B.C.E

Samson: Delilah you are an amazing harlot. Just amazing. And I’ve had the best. And believe me, I am VERY rich. Here, have some silver coins.

Delilah: Oh Samson, you are gorgeous AND generous.

Samson: I know.

Delilah (running her hands through Samson’s comb-over): Tell me Samson. Do you have ANY weaknesses?

Samson: Delilah baby, let me tell you. I have the best Intel. Just the best. People come to me all the time with great Intel. Amazing Intel. And my people are telling me things. Great, Great people. They’re telling me I can never cut my hair. My magically yuge hair. Or else I will lose my super powers. Bigly.

Delilah (purring in his ear): Oh Samson. Your secret is safe with me.

SCENE: Jericho in the time of Joshua

Israelite Spy: Rahab the harlot, please help us gain knowledge about our enemies.

Rahab: Sure, no problem. You seem nice enough.

Israelite Spy: Is there someone in this city who is loose with the tongue and tends to overshare?

Rahab (smiling slyly): I know just the guy.

….. Later, in the Shuk…..

Rahab:  Oh Donald Ben Fred! You are looking even better than normal! Have you been working out?

Donald: Guilty as charged baby. What’s shaking?

Rahab: Donald, let me introduce you to my, umm, cousin from out-of-town.

Donald: Hey pal. You wanna see our amazing city defenses? They’re the best. Just the best.

Spy: Donald Ben Fred, thou art wise and generous. But your city must have SOME weakness.

Donald (leans in to whisper): Now that you mention it, the city fears Israel and HaShem. Also, the walls….

Spy (furtively scribbling on papyrus): Go on.

SCENE: Sodom, the time of Abraham

Angel: Lot son of Haran, thank you for sheltering us in your home.

Lot: Mi home es su home.

(A man appears)

Angel: Wait, who is this?

Lot: Oh that is my good friend, HaDonald. He buys and sells clay huts.

Angel: OK, but he’s discreet?

Lot: Bigly.

….Later on the streets of Sodom…..

Unruly Mob: Hey HaDonald, we want to molest some strangers! Do you know where we can find some?

HaDonald: Well you won’t find any strangers at Lot’s home, let me tell you. Believe me, there are not two strangers at Lot’s house.

Unruly Mob: Lot’s house! Let’s roll!

HaDonald: Wait! I said there were no strangers there! You’re making a mistake! a yuge mistake!