Last Updated 8/14/2018 at 9:00 PM
Ben Gurion Airport, Terminal 3: Jewish-American pundit Peter Beinart was briefly detained yesterday after setting off the Airport’s Sanctimony Detector. Mr. Beinart, the beating heart of the (very) Liberal (kinda) Zionist Movement, was held and questioned by Airport Security personnel after his answers to their questions triggered the Detector. The machine, known as the Sanctimonitor, began beeping loudly as Peter talked about his Solidarity trips to Hebron, his one-way feud with Bibi, and the Amazing Vegan Co-Op at the Reconstructionist Synagogue near his favorite bike path. The Daily Freier spoke with Yael Z., the alert Security Officer who initially flagged Mr. Beinart.
” The interview began normally.” explained Yael. “But then he mentioned his White Privilege, and the machine started to beep. Then he began adding the phrase “As a Jew” to Each. And. Every. Sentence….. and the machine started to go crazy. Then he mentioned ‘Tikkun Olam’. And ‘Tikkun Olam’. And ‘Tikkun Olam’. Did I mention that he said ‘Tikkun Olam’? …Finally, he compared the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to the #MeToo Movement, (Editor’s Note: Of COURSE he really once did this. And of COURSE he did it in the Forward) and the machine sort of exploded a little bit.”
Yael continued: “After we brought him to another room for further questioning, he started reading out loud from a notebook about how betrayed he felt, how things are never going to be the same, and that this might really be the last time. At first we thought it was a Taylor Swift breakup song, but it was actually just his latest article for the Forward.”
When the Daily Freier challenged Yael that she was singling Peter out, she strongly disagreed. “That’s absolutely not true. I mean, just last year we arrested Thomas Friedman for smuggling clichés.”
The Daily Freier was then able to speak directly with Mr. Beinart about the current Balagan. “I blame this on Trump. (Real World Alert: No. No. He really really Said this!!!) Peter sighed deeply and continued. “Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can keep providing Israel with my free advice on how to run their country.”
Later, the Daily Freier asked Yael if we could stop by during slow hours and play with the Sanctimonitor by ourselves, but she yelled at us and told us to leave.